Ooooooooh, Shiny

Episode IV: A New and Very Shiny Hope

-He's here, he's there, he's everywhere! Who you gonna call? Psycho Douche Gare-Bear-

"Alright inmates, we got a nice little treat for yas." Gary glared at the warden, the fat bastard swaggering around like he was so important. Meanwhile Gary Oak, alpha male of alpha males, heir of Professor Oak himself no less! He was stuck in a filthy prison jumpsuit and handcuffed to a table with a bunch of useless canon fodder criminals. This was entrapment! Entrapment he says! How was he supposed to know that the rumor he heard of Team Rocket recruiting to rise again was actually the cops trying to capture any lingering supporters or members? He was trying to join and take them down from the inside to be a Hero damnit!

"We're going to be showing the Indigo League." The Warden's chief of Security announced as the long-time prisoners cheered happily like eager puppies while a projector lit up one of the walls of the mess hall.

"Well, you're seeing it here first folks!" The voice of the Indigo League commentator came through instantly, "We're getting to see a record being made as Ash Ketchum, the Shiny King of Kanto, the Pride of Pallet town, thought by many to be the greatest trainer in the world is setting yet another record! We're here for the arrival of the Moltres flame torch and Ash Ketchum is the one bringing it. He set off with the torch from the beginning and it looks like he's about to be the first runner in the history of the Indigo League to bring it all the way by himself without stopping or changing runners. Here he comes now!" On the screen, cresting a hill, Gary saw Ash come jogging. Shirtless, muscles glistening with sweat, and carrying the torch of Moltres' fire, the shiny legendary bird itself flapping above Ash. "Ash Ketchum has been jogging the route from across Kanto with the torch for a full week straight without sleep or food and is still going strong. Talk about stamina from the manliest of manly men, the Shiny King!" this was made worse when Gary saw the various League Groupies throwing their numbers and bras to Ash, numbers and bras that should belong to him! Gary Oak! The true greatest trainer in history!

"DAMN YOU KETCHUUUUUUUM!"

"Shut it punk, I wanna watch the shiny king!" one of the female inmates slammed Gary's head into the table, "Damn that's a fine piece of man meat right there."

"…Ooooooooow."

-Leon Smeon, Ash Ketchum is where it's at!-

Walking out onto the arena, Ash waved to the cheering crowd, his face still covered in kiss marks that the girls had given him while in their special cheerleader outfits they got for his league matches. Across from him was 'the Great Mandi' or 'Mandi the Astounding' or something else like that, who was apparently a favorite to win the Indigo league this year.

"Alright everybody and welcome!" The announcer declared happily over the roar of the crowd, "We have a great opening match for you here today! In the Red corner we have the Astounding Mandi! An early favorite to win the Pokémon League and an all-around crowd pleaser with his exciting battle style!" the pink shirted guy Ash had thought was a juggler waved to the crowd while smirking.

"And in the Green Corner, we have Ash Ketchum! The Shiny King! Champion of the Orange Islands! Record setter and the son of Bruno himself! Accompanied by his two girlfriends! Show him how you feel folks!" the crowd cheered louder making Mandi scowl.

"THAT'S MY BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY!" the ever-eager voice of his dad, Bruno, shouted out from the stands, the muscle bound elite four member wearing the first shirt Ash can ever remember seeing him in as it was a 'Go Ash' T-shirt, complete with soda-drinking baseball cap and foam finger.

"Hi Dad!" Ash waved happily, "Hi Mom! Hi Mimey!"

"We are in the middle of an important battle!" Mandi snapped irritably although Ash had no idea why. Maybe the guy stubbed his toe this morning?

"Trainers, send out your Pokémon!" the referee ordered.

"Go, Kingler!" Ash sent out his crab buddy who, as always, declared his requests for cookies.

"Go, Exeggutor!" Mandi sent out the happy psychic plant who paused its dancing to look up at the Kingler who stood two feet taller than it.

"COOKIE!" Kingler shouted, slamming his giant claw on the water as a wave-soaked Mandi and Exeggutor.

"Alright buddy, win this and I'll have mom make you some Chocolate Chip cookies!" Ash promised as Kingler's eyes lit up with unholy fire.

"COOKIE! COOKIE! COOKIE!" Kingler began his war chant as Exeggutor looked nervous.

"Let the match begin!" The referee declared.

"Cookie!" Kingler whacked Exeggutor on the head as all three coconut faces passed out.

"Exeggutor is unable to battle, Kingler is the winner!" the referee declared while said crab waved to the audience. Ash could hear his mom demanding someone bring her an oven to make cookies immediately. "Trainer Mandi, send out your next Pokémon."

"Go Seadra!"

Bonk!

"Seadra is unable to battle, Kingler is the winner! Trainer Mandi, send out your final Pokémon!" the ref ordered. Ash meanwhile was joining Kingler in his war dance, the smell of baking cookies wafting down from the stands.

"Prepare to face my ace Pokémon! My strongest partner! The one who started my journey and will win this for me! GO! GOLBAT!"

Splash.

"Golbat is unable to battle! Kingler is the winner! Victory in the match goes to Ash Ketchum!"

"Yahtzee!" Ash cheered as he scooped up the girls, "Come on Kingler, it's cookie time!"

"COOKIE!"

-Gary Oak, he makes Team Rocket look like rocket scientists-

Screaming angrily through his gag, Gary thrashed about to try and get it out after being forced to watch Ash win his first two matches, each with only one Pokémon each. Ash was currently sitting on the shoulders of a shiny Blastoise and making out with a pair of cheerleader babes. To make matters worse, all the female inmates he was sitting with, as he was determined to get them to give him the attention he deserves, were all talking about fantasies involving Ash! Why couldn't those stupid wenches see that he was the superior specimen?!

"Hmmm, I'd let him enjoy my cookies." One of the very top-heavy inmates purred as she looked at Ash, "I might have to look him up one I get parole."

"Get in line Jones, I'm scoring first." A second inmate scoffed at her friend as the whole table dissolved into debates on how 'well endowed' Ash was, leaving Gary unfairly ignored and unloved. At least it couldn't get any worse right?"

-One hour later-

"LET ME OUT OF HERE!" Gary screamed and pleaded with the guard as he was locked back in his cell with his roommates.

His gay roommates.

Who were also discussing their fantasies with Ash.

WHY WASN'T THE UNIVERSE FARI?!

-Ash, the man who can swan dive into shit and come out covered in diamonds, roses, and roses made of diamonds-

"Welcome back Kanto fans!" the announcer shouted lout while the crowd cheered, "Are you ready to watch our very own Shiny King battle again?!" the crowd screaming loud enough to be heard in Johto was a pretty good indicator of the answer to said question being 'yes'. "That's what I thought! Today, our masterful monarch of meticulously shiny Pokémon is going to be fighting in the ice field! His opponent is an excellent trainer, Pete of Cerulean city!"

"That crowd'll be mine soon when I take your crown 'shiny king'!" Pete declared, before throwing his head back and giving a deep belly laugh before looking around to see what the audience's response to his declaration.

Kricketot…Kricketot…Kricketot.

"Trainer's, send out your Pokémon." The unimpressed referee ordered.

Pete pulled a pokeball from his belt and struck a pose, "Behold my starter pokemon's amazing power! Their unstoppable fury! Their unquenchable thirst for victory! Their stupendous, magnificent, unyielding, unstoppable…wait did I already use that one?"

"GET ON WITH IT!" the crowd shouted at once.

"GO DRAGONITE!" Pete sent out the giant orange dragon who let out a roar, flexing and posing and trying to look all spooky scary.

"Go Parasect!" Ash declared as he sent out his happy mushroom bug who scuttled over and waved at Dragonite, offering a claw to shake.

"That's it?" Pete laughed, "That's all the great 'shiny king' has to offer? This will be a piece of-"

"Dragonite is unable to battle, Parasect is the winner!" the ref declared, interrupting Pete's monologue while the dragon lay on its back, tongue sticking out while Parasect kept poking it.

"Sect?" Parasect looked back as if to ask, 'dats it?'

"Trainer Pete, send out your second Pokémon."

"Go Cloyster! Avenge your fallen leader! Right this dreadful wrong! Best this insignificant-"

"Cloyster is unable to battle, Parasect is the winner!"

"Son of a!" Pete stomped his feet in an angry tantrum.

"Trainer Pete, send out your final Pokémon." The referee ordered.

"Arcanine! Avenge our team! Go forth you might beast of destruct-"

"Arcanine is unable to battle, Ash Ketchum and Parasect are the winners!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Pete fell to his knees and screamed to the heavens.

"Parasect, you were awesome buddy!" Ash happily ran onto the ice field to hug his happy little bug buddy.

"Sect, sect, Parasect!"

-Gary Oak, Kanto's most annoying jail worm-

"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggh!" Gary groaned from his new table. The girls he had tried to woo before weren't worthy of his presence if they still thought some loser like Ash Ketchum was some sort of prize. Who cared if that loser was in the Pokémon League? Who cared if he had over a hundred shiny Pokémon? Who cared if Ash was rich and had never lost a battle? He was Gary Fucking Oak! He had the ultimate pedigree of manliness!

"Stop whining brat!" one of his new tablemates slapped him upside the head, "We're getting to watch the greatest trainer in history win his first league! You have no reason to complain!"

"That's a lie!" Gary hissed like a rabid meowth, "He's not the greatest! I'm better! ME! I'm an Oak!"

"Oak, Smoak. You couldn't win at tic, tac, toe!"

-Ash Ketchum-

"And here we are Pokémon fans! This is the final entry round battle for Ash Ketchum, the shiny king, and Jenette Fisher! A Kanto small town heroine! Who will win, who will go further in the tournament? Are we facing the newest Kanto League Champion?!"

"Go Jenette! GO!" His opponent's cheer squad shouted happily.

"GO ASH! GO!" everyone else shouted just as eagerly.

"Good luck Jenette!" Ash waved happily to his nice opponent who happily waved back. It was so great getting to meet fun loving trainers like this!

"Trainers, send out your Pokémon!" the ref ordered, the man all smiles having gotten Ash's autograph before the match.

"Go Beedrill!" Jenette struck a pose as she sent out her bug.

"Hey, you have one too? Let's make this a Beedrill battle! Come on out buddy!" Ash sent out his evolved Beedrill who struck a pose, even as their opponent's bug got hearts in its eyes.

"Begin!" the ref shouted only for Jenette's Beedrill to pass out via nosebleed while Ash and his Beedrill just blinked confused.

"Um…Beedrill is unable to battle. Shiny bigger beedril is the winner…please actually battle next time." The ref declared as Jenette returned her black and yellow bug.

"Go Scyther!" Jenette sent out Pokémon number to.

"I'll sent out my Scyther too!" Ash happily sent out his own blade bug…NOSEBLEED!

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!" the ref demanded before coughing, "I mean, uh, Scyther is unable to battle! Shiny Scyther wins! Trainer Jeanette, send out your final Pokémon!"

"Go Bellsprout!" Jenette sent out her final Pokémon who struck a pose.

"…Um Muk?" Ash decided to avoid a triple nosebleed knockout.

"Sprout!" the twitterpated bellsprout shot all the way into Jenette's cheer squad.

"Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. Bellsprout is unable to battle, Ash Ketchum is the winner."

-Bary, no that's not it. Lary? No, that's wrong to. Loser McLoser-face. Yeah, that's the one-

"Even the King's Pokémon are heartthrobs!" Gary heard a guard laugh happily, "I'm making bank on this!"

"Seriously? He's the favorite to win. The odds would barely let you win a dime!" guard number two exclaimed in shock.

"I bet on him to win the league after he won his first Gym Battle." Guard the first responded smugly, "Saw his battle with Brock when I was in town and bet my life savings on him to win the league! I'm gonna make millions! Millions! This kid is the best thing to happen to Kanto ever!"

"He's not that impressive." Gary snarled at the guards while he sat otherwise alone at his table, the other inmates not allowed near him in case they unfairly attack him…again.

"Remind me to have the warden sign this one up for therapy. He's delusional." Guard one muttered to guard two.

"I can hear you!"

-Oh, was the last Ash Opening too boring for you? Fine ya needy little babies.-

- Behold! Ash Ketchum, the mighty, magnificent, manly, melodious, meticulous, marvelous, miraculous, motivational, majestic, magical, mind-blowing, mesmerizing, magnanimous, marketable, memorable, masculine, matchless, meritorious, meteoric, metaphysical, momentous, monumental, and muscular master and mastermind of Shiny Pokémon! Witness him and be in awe!-

"We're now down to the top sixteen folks! What an amazing Indigo League!" the ever-excited announcer shouted out. "Here we have Kanto's top two rookies, two rising stars! Ash the Shiny King Ketchum! And Ritchie the nicknamer Sands!"

"HI RITCHIE!" Ash waved to his buddy, both of their Pikachus waving back excitedly.

"HEY ASH!" Ritchie waved back, "THIS IS AWESOME!"

"I KNOW!" Ash cheered, "OH, AND MOM SAYS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO JOIN US FOR DINNER TONIGHT! SHE'S MAKING STEW!"

"FUCK YEAH!"

"YOUNG MAN! LANGUAGE!" Momma Ketchum shouted as Ash and Ritchie both gulped.

"Battle?"

"Yes, let's battle, much safer."

"GO PIKACHU!"

"SPARKY!"

"THUNDERBOLT!" Ash and Ritchie shouted together as their electric types' power clashed dramatically.

-Gary Oak, he gets one word for his introduction. 'Ponce'. Witness him and cringe, for he is pathetic-

"This battle is incredible folks! Ash Ketchum's Pikachu has taken out Ritchie's Pikachu Sparky, Charizard Zippo, Butterfree Happy, Tailow Rose, Eevee…Eevee, and now he's battling Cruise the Tyranitar!" Gary saw Ash's pathetic mouse staring down the giant rock Pseudo legendary and prayed to Arceus to finally see Ash lose. To suffer a humiliating defeat like he deserves! Please just lose damnit!

"Pikachu, use thunder shock!" Ash pointed at the giant Rock Pokémon started glowing bright enough for its skeleton to be visible, then fall down in defeat. "Yahtzee!"

"Why Arceus?! I only ask for what's fair and right in the world!"

"SHUT UP ALREADY!" everyone else in the prison shouted.

-Ash: Arceus' gift to women (literally)-

All but dancing in place, after having kissed Amy and Giselle senseless, his golden blonde girlfriend from the sisters having had the disgruntled expression she always had when she heard a prayer that annoyed her. Now he was heading up to battle in the quarter finals against some guy named 'Tobias' who had won every battle with the same Pokémon apparently.

"This is gonna be so fun!"

"I look forward to gifting you your first defeat." Tobias flipped his hair dramatically, "Come forth, Darkrai!"

"Go Mew!" Ash sent out his happy psychic kitty buddy who flew over to glomp his head. "Alright buddy, use Psychic!"

"Darkrai is unable to battle, Mew is the winner!"

"Latios!"

"Pound!"

"Raikou!"

"Water Gun!"

"Terrakion!"

"Tackle!"

"Volcanion!"

"Razor leaf!"

"Articuno!"

"Gust!"

"And Articuno is now unable to battle! Ash Ketchum has now beaten Tobias, the only trainer in the world to only use legendary Pokémon! What a battle! What a tournament!"

-Gary: Proof for that every manly man, there must be an equal an opposite unmanly one-

"Wow, I think this one finally broke him." Guard the first muttered as he stared down at Gary who was thrashing and frothing at the mouth upon seeing Ash's latest victory.

-Ash Ketchum, he can shake hands with Ash William's chainsaw and break it-

"Now we have our very own Kanto Shiny King fighting Alain folks! This man flew all the way out from Kalos and won every badge within two weeks! Let's see how it goes!"

"Go Unfezant!"

"Go Mewtwo!" Ash smiled as he sent out his grumpy Pokémon.

"Use Psycho cut on all of em!"

"Unfezant is no longer able to battle!"

"Go Bisharp!"

"Bisharp Is unable to battle!"

"Go Weaville!"

"Weaville is unable to Battle!"

"Go Tyranitar!"

"Tyranitar is unable to battle!"

"Go metagross!"

"Metagross is unable to battle!"

"Go Charizard! MEGA EVOLVE!"

"Mega Charizard X is unable to battle, Mewtwo and Ash are the winners!"

-Gary Oak, he might be able to make a dust bunny wince if he punched it-

"Yeah, he's definitely broken now."

-Ash: BEWARE!-

"Now we're at the finals! Ash Ketchum shall be battling Leon, the Champion of Galar! Who came to Kanto with special permission to enter the league from Charles Goodshow and won all eight badges in a day!"

"I'll start with Aegislash!"

"Go Giratina! Use Shadow claw!"

"Aegislash is unable to battle!"

"Dragapult!"

"Shadow ball!"

"Haxorus!"

"Shadow Force!"

"Go Rhyperior!"

"Giratina, return. Go Arceus! Use Stomp!"

"Rillaboom!"

"Headbutt!"

"Charizard! Dynamax!"

"Oooooooh, that looks fun! Arceus, you go big mode too! Then Judgement!"

"Charizard is no longer able to battle! Ash Ketchum has won the Indigo League!"

-Gary: He wants you to fear him too! Come on, it's like a charity…a really, really, REALLY sad charity-

"…Should we do anything to help him?"

"Are you saying you want to bother?"

"…Not really."

-Ash Ketchum, there is nothing left to say for this pinnacle of trainer hood that hasn't already been said-

"THAT'S MY BOY!" Bruno gave Ash his best attempt at a bear hug. "You won the Indigo league, so are you going to challenge the elite four now?"

"Not yet, I've got a better idea!"

"…Ash…what does that mean?"

-Epilogue: Wait, you mean TheSilverboar is actually completing a story? That's possible?!-

And lo, Ash did not rush off to battle the elite four and champion as was his right as League Champion, a right that was his for three years after winning the league. Ash went from region to region, winning all eight badges in every other region and their matching leagues all in the same year. As he went he caught every shiny Pokémon of every region, defeated that regions villainous team or teams, and stopped dozens of plots to destroy the world.

Then, having won every Region's league within two years, Ash went and battled every elite four and champion, becoming champion of the world! With his new title under his belt, Ash finally settled down and married Amy and Giselle. As a wedding gift, they decided to invite other women to join them on their honeymoon in the hopes of finally outdoing Ash's stamina.

So they invited Ariana, and all the Nurse Joys they'd met in their journey, and the officer Jenny's, and the Cerulean Sensational Sisters, and Sabrina, and Janine, and Aya, and Lorelai, and Cissy, and Whitney, and Jasmine, and Clair, and Karen, and Roxanne, and Flannery, and Winona, and Phoebe, and Glacia, and Gardenia, and Maylene, and Fantina, and Candice, and Elesa, and Skyla, and Roxie, and Shauntal, and Caitlin, and Cynthia, and Viola, and Alexa, and Korrina, and Valerie, and Olympia, and Malva, and Diantha, and Lana, and Mallow, and Acerola, and Mina, and Olivia, and Kahili, and Nessa, and Bea, and Melony, and Marnie, and Kris, and May, and Leaf, and Dawn, and Lyra, and Hilda, and Rosa, and Serena, and Gloria, and Lilie, and Shelly, and Bianca of Altomare, and Bianca of Unova, and Courtney, and Pike Queen Lucy, and Dahlia, and Argenta, Angie, and Zoey, and Miss Kanto, and Miss Johto, and Miss Hoenn, and Miss Sinnoh, and Miss Unova, and Miss Kalos, and Miss Alola, and Miss Galar, and Miss World, and Miss Universe, and Blanche, and Candela, and Cheryl, and Daisy Oak, and Duplica, and DJ Mary, and Georgia, and Giselle, and Grace, and Lady Ilene, and Liza, and Lusamine, and Luna Carson, and Plumeria, and Princess Salva, and Shauna, and Solidad, and Ursula, and Zinnie, and Wicke, and Oleanna, and Princess Sara, and Queen Rin brought forward through time, and Mars, and Jupiter, and Aliana, and Bryony, and Celosia, and Mable, and Professor Ivy, and Professor Juniper, and Sonia, and Fennel.

They were not successful in outlasting Ash and he was still capable of going on and rejoining the first girls to celebrate once they had recovered and he had gone through the list, thus creating a never-ending honeymoon cycle.

As for Gary? Who cares, this isn't his story.