Here's to that elf in the corner known as Melpomaen or Figwit who appeared for a brief moment of fame in the Peter Jackson movies, twice. Yes, I know he does not exist in Prof Tolkien's canon LOTR but hey, this is fanfic and a crack fic on top of it.

We will cover the major events of the Third Age (with a healthy dose of domestic drama and courtly backstabbing). This fic was originally posted on AO3.

Figwit agrees to babysit a pair of twins and soon regrets it. Some thoughts are better not committed to paper.

Meet the Twins

Imladris, Iavas, T.A. 132

Dear Journal

When I agreed to come here, I was not expecting this. I knew it was a toss-up between Imladris and being on the road with Gildor Inglorion and his merry company. Sleeping under a decent roof on a proper feather-bed beats cowering from a rainstorm in a tree hollow with someone's boot poking into your kidney any day, merry or not. Personally, I blame the whole debacle on those Nandor elves. If it weren't for Haldir and his brothers… It was only an elm tree, and one with a bad termite infestation. How am I to know it was so special to the brothers because they planted it on their adar's grave? Lord Celeborn always takes the side of his woodland kin, so guess who's set on the road out from Lothlorien.

It is pleasing to see how much motherhood suits Lady Celebrian. She has definitely grown up from that Miss Spoilt Rotten Highness back in Lothlorien. She's probably the reason for her parents' reluctance to reproduce again. We were glad to see the back of her when she wed Lord Elrond. As for Lord Elrond… At least he has some Noldor blood in him, and was raised as one instead of as a Sinda, even if by a pair of accursed Kinslayers.

"Do you mind taking care of my sons?" she asks. "We will only be an hour…"

"Aye," I say. So the good lady and lord go shut themselves in their chamber for some private-time while yours truly was stuck with the twins all morning. At least she could have warned me they were teething before rushing off to try for elfling number three. Lady, beg pardon, but these two are more than a handful.

Everyone knows Lord Elrond's grandfather Tuor of the White Wing was human, likewise his great-grandfather Beren One-hand. His mother had Sindarin blood and a bit of Maia from her foremother Melian. Lady Celebrian had a decent mix of Noldo and Sinda from her parents. The last time I checked the twins have no orcish or warg ancestry. So why in the name of the Valar do they bite like a pair of warg-pups? I have my suspicions about Luthien Morningstar and a certain wolfhound…

My only consolation is that my unseemly screams from the mauling were drowned out by the vigorous sounds emanating from their parents' bedchamber. I swear this is the last time I babysit and not even that airheaded blond Glorfindel will convince me otherwise.

P.S. I should tear out this page and burn it to ash lest someone finds my journal.

(Figwit attempts to burn the page only to have a gust of wind whisk it out of his heavily bandaged hands and straight into the face of a passing Glorfindel. Elrond's captain is less than amused by the contents. Figwit spends the rest of the week up a chimney while a blond warrior combs the precincts of Rivendell with dire promises to avenge the honour of his lord's noble house.)

Notes:

The back story is my spin on it - Figwit getting kicked out of his original home and having to seek employment with Elrond's household. Celeborn probably had him sent from Lorien with Gildor to avoid a potential kinslaying by 3 very angry elf brothers.

Iavas - Sindarin for autumn