Love is a wonderful thing.

Whoever said that can have a chat with his Fire Dragon's Fist-

Because love hurts like a bitch.

And there is absolutely nothing he can do about it.

He does not exactly know when he started to have feelings for this person. When he does realize that he, Natsu Dragneel, the famous Salamander of Fairy Tail, is in love, not a crush, absolutely not a crush, but in love, with the famous Ice Mage Gray Fullbuster, also his rival, the first thing he said was:

"Fuck."

And indeed, he was fucked. How many sane people wake up in the middle of the night to realize you are in fact, in love with your rival? How does he know that he is in love? Mind you, he is not that stupid like most people believe he is. Oh no, he is smarter than they give credits for. For once, he is your rival. You don't go checking out his body when you are having a brawl with him. Your eyes should not be searching for him the moment you step into the guild every time you come. You should not feel happy every time he is near. Your mind should not be keeping you awake at night just because it thinks it is a good idea to have a slideshow of the freaking man every night. You should not be noticing the little things about him, the way he unconsciously stripped, the way he laughs, the way he smiles, when he is angry or when he is sad but try to hide it,...You should not feel that scared when he tried to use that spell. It was something that til this day, he still has nightmares. Zeref's hand through his chest or Acnologia's attacks feel nothing compare to the pain in his chest when he saw the person he loves about to do what he promised not to do long ago. He even cried, damn it.

In total conclusion, Natsu is utterly in love with Gray, and he falls too deep for him.

You might think he should confess, tell Gray how he feels and then has a happily ever after with him. How in the holiest fuck of fucks can he do that? Both of them have issues, in case you have not noticed. Gray pretty much thought he is cursed since everyone he loves die. His parents, his mentor Ur, the brother he grew up with hated his guts at one point, though they made up now that does not mean the wound itself has healed. And then Ultear. He has heard about her from Jellal and Meredy at some point, overhearing their conversation after the battle with Future Rogue. It did not take long for him to connect the dots. As for Natsu himself, he knows he has abandonment issue ever since Igneel's sudden disappearance. That one person, or dragon, who has always been with you, someone you love so dearly, suddenly disappeared, gone without a word and you were left behind. It has scared him, that loneliness he felt, the feeling of being utterly alone without anyone. He shuddered just thinking about it. Slowly, that has developed into depression and more. Somewhere in his mind, a tiny voice always told him that he was not enough, that's why Igneel left. At some point he did believe it, maybe he still does. He hates it. Hates that the voice was right.

So when he came to Fairy Tail and made a team of his own, Natsu made sure to have something to assure him that his beloved friends will not disappear on him. Keeping a watchful eye on them. Destroying everything and everyone that took them away from him. Lucy, Erza, Happy, Wendy, Charla, and Gray. He keeps them safe within his watch, it kept his anxiety at bay and shut that tiny little fucker of a voice. But alas, he cannot protect them forever. Boy did it hurt when they tried to kill themselves. The event with Jellal and the Etherion scared him shitless. Erza fucking Scarlet, his older sister figure, he almost lost her because she thought it was a good idea to save everyone by becoming one with that thing. And then there is Gray, Natsu only has two words for this: Ice Shell. Lucy is practically a trouble magnet (he loves her like a sister, he really does but damn, what a shitty luck the girl has) and Wendy got caused in between. You get the idea. How the fuck is his sanity still intact after that he has no idea. But probably it has never been whole at all. How can he love someone when he cannot love himself? And to add salt to the wound, he does not know how to express himself. Yes. he sucks.

So even when he loves Gray, he dare not to make a move. Because somewhere in his mind Natsu knew he is not worthy. He is not someone that can give Gray happiness when he himself is a mess. Gray needs someone that is strong enough for both of them. Strong enough to give Gray the love he deserves. Someone that can show Gray kisses and hugs and all the things that are affectionate, not punches and insults and all the things that hurt. Natsu is almost sure that he cannot give that, since he is more of a punching person than a hugging one. Hell, all of his protecting acts are all destruction acts. Ask Lucy, she knows best. Because Natsu is good with punching than hugging. He is destructive not affectionate and he has a reputation for that. So Natsu decided to step back, and watch him from afar. This feeling he has, is something that no one can find out. It will be his secret. A secret he will take to his grave. Even if he and Gray can never be together, then these fights they have, these battle they fought together, these missions,...all the time that he is able to be with him, even if it is just for a moment, is precious to him. Just this would be enough, he told himself. They can never be what he wanted them to be, so he will be happy. Happy for the man he loves when he has finally found someone for him. Someone that cares and loves him with all their heart. He has told himself that he would be happy.

Easier said than done.

Because one day, when Juvia, happily clutching onto Gray's strong arm and gleefully announced that she and Gray are officially a couple, Natsu could have sworn the world has stopped moving. Everything freezes, while the congratulation sounds from the other guild mates echoing and everyone is practically throwing a party by now, all he can hear is the sound of something in him breaking.

Whoever said that love is a wonderful thing can have a lovely chat with his Fire Dragon's Fist. Because it hurts. It feels like his heart got stabbed by Zeref, then became a punching bag for Acnologia, then got run over by Gildart's crash magic after getting electrocuted by Laxus's lightning and having a fight with Erza. He could feel all the dreadful feelings creeping up inside him. The sadness, the anger,...but overall is the overwhelming urge to cry. Cry because of how hurt it is. Because he feels so ashamed for feeling jealous. This is Gray's happiness. Nobody loves Gray as much as Juvia, even though she has a disturbing way to show it. He should have felt happy. He has told himself to be happy for Gray. But he could not. The urge to cry is because why it could not be him? Feeling jealous that Juvia has everything he wished he could have when it was him that has given up. He has not even started anything. He has chosen to back down. But the feeling is literately crushing him inside, it takes every wills he has to keep a neutral face.

No, keep it together. He told himself. Don't ruin this. Don't ruin this for him.

With that chanting over and over in his head, it gave him the strength. So when the couple headed over to them, to where he was, he smiled like his heart is not breaking inside.

"Congratulation!"

They both look at him. Juvia has this weird look in her eyes. While Gray...he could not look at him. Because if he looks at Gray now, he would know. He refused tp let Gray know. Gray should be paying attention to his...lover and enjoy the party, not his rival. After a while, they thanked him and then left, joining the party. Lucy looked at him worriedly. She has always known. Woman intuition is a scary thing, he found out at one point. She did not make him take to her, as he himself does not know how to express. So she suggested him to do what she has done with her mother. Write a letter. He admitted writing out his feelings did help. Usually he would burn them, the letters that express his heart. But he still kept one. The first ever, the one that held most of his heart. He kept it hidden in his house. Once the letter is the proof of his love, and now he feels like it is something that should be burnt. Looking at the new couple, Natsu felt a small smile. At least they look happy. That is all he needs to know. If Gray is happy, it is enough for him. Turning back to Lucy and giving her some assuring, he made up his mind to go home. And so, the pink hair Salamander left quietly, slipped out when no one noticed. It was raining when he stepped out. Letting out a sigh, Natsu then headed home in the rain, the raindrops soaked him up.

Funny, rain should be cold.

So why do the drops on his cheeks feel so hot?