It was finally my day off. My roommate, Aria, was on the TV for another hour or so, so instead of laying on my bed and internally complaining about my own boredom, I decided to go back to my old favorite Hetalia trope: Hetalia unit fanfiction. I know it was an old trope that had died off years ago, but for me, it was something I still hold dear- even though I am 23 and disillusioned to what life on my own is really like. I was just re-reading one of the many fanfictions that have been essentially abandoned on my phone when the word Hetalia with a chibi Italy right next to it showed up on the ad at the top of the screen and caught my attention.
Now I would usually ignore it but as I was bored, and I saw the chibi Italy I figured it was for a plushie or something. I only have one plushie- Russia- so I decided to click it. When I went to the tab, it only had one text box to fill out: one asking for my address.
I figured there were only two things that would happen: 1. This was a way for a mass murderer to find more victims which would end with me not having to deal with debt, which I would be on board for, or 2. Junk mail. So, I filled it out and clicked next. All it said after I put my address was that my order would be here in a week. I shrugged it off and went back to the abandoned fanfiction.
When I finished reading the one I was on I went back out into the living room to wait for my turn on the TV so I could play Sims 4. I also told my roommate of the potential mass murderer that now has our address. As she was heading down the hall towards her room Aria told me "It better only be you that is here when the murderer shows up Allora!"
(I should probably give a description for you guys, huh, well I am about 5'2 ½, I have brown eyes and hair, crooked teeth (kind of how England is described in the Stereotype song) and I wear glasses. I can't think of anything else on how to describe myself.) As she headed to bed I started the process of hooking my PS4 up to the TV.
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It was the beginning of my work free weekend. As I was about to get on the TV for the day since my roommate wasn't up yet, I heard a knock at the door. I quickly got up and put my work shoes on so I could look through the door eye hole, because I am only a few inches too short to see out of it without shoes on, it was a FedEx guy. I opened the door.
"Yes, how may I help you?" I asked him.
He said looking down at his signboard "I'm looking for an Allora Perkins?"
I stared at him confused as I said "Yes? I don't believe I have ordered anything recently?"
He rolled his eyes and handed me the signing device "Well, you have a package anyways. I'll bring it up"
I watched as he headed back to his truck confused when the memory of last weekend came to me. I ran down the stairs to see if the package was something I could just take from him. Before I could reach the truck, he started wheeling a crate taller than I was.
"How are you going to get that up the stairs?" I asked warily.
"Carefully." He snarked.
I huffed annoyed. "Fine, I was going to offer my help"
He looked at me up and down. "In what way do you think your scrawny ass would be able to help?" He snorted "Here, you can take the second box it has the manual in it."
He grabbed a box on top of the crate that I hadn't seen because I'm too short and I was not high enough on the stairs to see it.
"You're a rude one aren't ya," I said walking up the stairs to my apartment.
"When someone orders a giant, heavy crate and then says they hadn't ordered anything I get a little annoyed and ain't gonna be nice." He grunted as he carefully maneuvered the crate up the wooden staircase.
The crate had 'fragile' all across it so he was trying to gently take it up the stairs. He didn't want to end up breaking it since he's not that much of an ass.
I was just staring down at the rude FedEx guy. I thought about how I was going to get that inside of the house without letting the cats out.
"I will be right back. I have to put the cats in the bathroom so that you can put it in the hallway."
I didn't wait for a response from him. Aria was standing at the door when I went back in. She was squinting at me because she hadn't put her glasses on yet. "Allora, what's going on?"
"Um… we've got a delivery." She raised her eyebrow, waiting for me to continue. "So, apparently, the thing I clicked on last week wasn't some address-collecting scheme for a serial killer, and it probably wasn't a plushie either- unless it's a really big, really heavy plushie." If it were some form of plushie, where would I even put it? Judging from the size of the box, it was either a really big one that was going to be way too big to fit conveniently anywhere in my room, or a whole bunch of little ones that'd probably end up strewn all over the house.
She stared blankly at me, then just shook her head and went to sit on our couch, she's not much of a talker in the mornings. The demon cat, as we all affectionately call Chip the black and white cat, was on the cat tree so I grabbed him first. The long-haired, allergy ridden orange cat Loki was on the couch where I had been sitting and where Aria now resided, staring at her like she'd just invaded his kingdom. I put both of them in the bathroom with their food and litter.
This all took only a moment. I quickly went back to the door and opened it.
"Can you put the crate inside, please? Well, when you eventually get it up here."
He was still trying to get it up the stairs and he was slowly turning red from the strain. He was about two-thirds of the way up.
"You going to be ok? Or should I get my phone ready to call an ambulance for you?" I asked
He didn't respond as he was just a few more stairs from reaching the top.
I had previously put the signing contraption on the table next to the door along with the box he had handed me. I quickly grabbed that, so I could actually sign it and give it back while he put the bigger crate inside the hallway.
"I apologize for saying I hadn't ordered anything, I had forgotten that I had put my address to receive something."
He gave me an unreadable look. "It's fine, try and remember next time before you say anything. Now, can you please sign..."
I signed the contraption and handed it to him.
He walked out the door without saying anything else.
I sighed as I stared at the crate that was now in the hallway of my apartment. I decided to look at the smaller box before opening the crate. All that was in it was a small book, the title of it said Manual for Kiku Honda. I opened it to the first page.
Congratulations! You have successfully purchased a Kiku Honda (Japan) Unit! In order to help you unlock your unit's full capabilities and for your safety we have provided you with this manual. (Reading is highly advised for the safety of self and property)
(I didn't purchase shit, I thought to myself. All I did was click on an ad, this has got to be a prank)
What Kiku Honda is:
Country Name: State of Japan
Human name: Kiku Honda or Honda Kiku
Names that the unit will respond to are Nippon, Nihon, Kiku, Japan, Mr. Japan, Mr. Honda, Honda-san, Kiku-san.
Place of Manufacture: USA, California
Age: 22
Height: Five ft. five inches or 165 cm
Your Unit comes with:
(1) Traditional Japanese Katana
(1) WII military uniform
(1) Present-day Japanese uniform
(4) Male Kimonos
(1) Traditional samurai uniform
Various anime DVDs, volumes of manga, and plushies
We are in the process of making a Pochi Unit {Japan's Dog} you will receive one after testing.
Here are some jobs that your unit can get, all information to get a job comes with the unit.
J pop singer: Kiku Honda has a wonderful voice and will woo anyone with it as he sings. He's Japan what do you expect?
Scientist/inventor: Japan has become one of the highest tech countries in the world. So clearly him inventing and studying things is just natural. Just look at everything that comes out of Japan.
Teacher: Kiku Honda is very patient and very hard to get angry so is perfect for the position as a teacher. Not the highest paying job but, the easiest for him to get.
Manga artist: Kiku Honda is extremely talented when he comes to drawing. All you have to do is find a publisher for him, the money will pour in from there.
To remove him safely from the crate do one of the following:
Make any type of Japanese food, anything Japanese does the trick. Warning Kiku Honda might be hungry so it's probably best to make sure the food that you set out is for your unit. (We are not liable for any injuries caused by withholding the food.)
Yell "OH MY GOD! JAPAN! COCKROACHES" But it's suggested that you find something to hide behind because the crate has been known to explode due to the simple fact Japan hates cockroaches. The crate may explode if you go with this option.
If you have a cat than Kiku Honda will activate without warning break down the box and start to pet the cat.
To reprogram your unit all you have to do is talk to them normally. Here are the modes your Kiku Honda unit comes with:
Shy (Default)
Hardworking (Default)
Samurai
Italian (Locked)
Postal (Locked)
Kiku Honda units are shy and hard-working by default, everything he does is the highest quality he can do.
Samurai is activated once he gets to know you better and if he sees you in danger. He will be very protective until he gets knocked out of this mode.
Italian is locked, if you want to unlock it all you need to do is: Lock your Kiku Honda unit and your Feliciano Vargas unit in the house together alone for two weeks. Don't forget to provide the means for your unit to recharge energy in the form of food and fluids.
Postal is locked until he either sees someone he loves killed in front of him or you tell him that as a joke. To get him out of this mode tell him it was a joke. If he saw it happen, you will need to lock him in a room for three weeks by himself. Don't forget to provide the means for your unit to recharge energy in the form of food and fluids.
If you have any questions please call XXX-XXX-XXXX.
I stared at the crate warily for a moment. "Aria, I'm going to grab the demon cat. If the stuff in this book ends up being true, then we're screwed and I am so sorry to drag you with me. Also, I might end up dying from wood shrapnel, so you might have to deal with it by yourself~."
Aria, who was still half asleep, just said: "Whatever Allora, have fun with whatever you're doing. I'm taking the TV."
Before I went to get the cat, I saw that there was a latch at the top of the crate, so I unlatched it, I did not open it, however, to see what was inside. As I was passing by Aria, I rolled my eyes, making sure she saw it. I opened the bathroom door and both cats were right there looking up at me. I scooped up Chip and closed the door before Loki could escape. I went back to where the crate was and waited from a distance with the cat in my arms to see if anything would happen.
After about two minutes a started hearing shuffling from the crate. The top of the crate slowly lifted and the side facing me slammed down onto the linoleum, making me wince because I knew my downstairs neighbors weren't going to appreciate that.
Aria yelped. "What the fuck was that Allora?!"
I didn't respond, I was too busy staring at the person before me that looked a hell of a lot like Japan. "No… no fucking way is this possible…" I whispered in shock.