I've been in a bad place the last day or so, and this is something I've been picking at whenever I get down. WARNING: Suicide, negative character interpretation and very bad mindsets.

When I was down one day and watching KHR, I wondered what it would be like if it was less comedy and Tsuna was a little more bitter than apathetic...and it morphed into this.

Shouting At The World

Dame Tsuna is lazy, weak, dumb and a complete klutz. His one redeeming feature?

The fact that he's okay with that.

It was painful once, but Tsuna's learned that once you accept your limitations, life becomes easier. There's still humiliation and misery whenever he steps out the door, but that's his role in life. If it wasn't him, it would be someone else. At least this requires no effort.

Besides, people are just…frustrating. People are only interested in what you can do for them – nobody actually cares about each other nowadays. He's just learning that earlier than most people. Hell, his mother figured it out so soon that it completely broke her brain and she lives in complete denial – and is quite possibly the most blissfully happy person in existence. Unfortunately, Tsuna's still a long way from reaching Nana's level, and dealing with people is still something that fills him with utter misery.

Don't get him wrong, he's hardly a pinnacle of virtue. He's not so far apart for the rest of society to not realise that he's just as selfish and ignorant as the average stranger on the street, but he also doesn't pretend otherwise.

Ironically, the only reason he manages to drag himself out of bed is another human being. Sasagawa Kyoko, who is sweet and kind and a little bit oblivious but has never once been intentionally – or most impressively, unintentionally – mean to him.

It's not much, but one little crumb of happiness in the mouldy crusts of his life is all he needs. If he can maintain this until high school, he'll have a tolerable life.

Unfortunately, a baby hitman with a chameleon doesn't agree.

He's still recovering from the fight with Mochida and the idea that Kyoko now considers him a friend when his tutor decides to upend his life even more.

Apparently, Reborn's next step is to get Tsuna a minion. A chain-smoking, bomb clad pretty boy with a short temper and idol worship issues. Who tries to kill him and then shoves him on a pedestal so high Tsuna's getting dizzy from the lack of oxygen.

It's a weird…eerie readjustment to his life. The bullies and tormentors can't get anywhere near him now without a partially psychotic Italian hitman bearing down on them. Within 2 days half the school is either terrified, in love with him, or some crazy mix of both. The only thing that confuses people is that Gokudera is choosing to worship Tsuna.

If they ever bothered to ask Tsuna, he could have explained it quite easily. Gokudera isn't worshipping Tsuna. He's worshipping Judaime.

Gokudera doesn't want to be Tsuna's friend. He wants to be Judaimes Right Hand. Never mind the fact that Judaime doesn't actually exist. That's just a minor setback in the hitman's grand plan.

He barely has enough time to adjust to Gokudera's presence before Reborn decides to throw him yet another curveball. Well…maybe that's a little unfair, Tsuna definitely make some mistakes too, but who the hell was Yamamoto Takeshi to be asking him for advice? So dependable? All he was doing was being Dame-Tsuna, just in much more crazy ways thanks to a baby going at him with a bullet that broke the laws of all common sense. Was it any surprise that the information he gave was no good?

Then Yamamoto broke his arm, and suddenly had no will to live because he couldn't play in a stupid game.

Tsuna is not a violent person, but he's never wanted to hit someone so badly in his life. Are you kidding? Yamamoto's very existence was something of a dream come true. He was sporty, got decent enough grades, and even if the people around him were superficial, at least they were nice superficial. That was a big step up from Tsuna's lot in life.

Yet, somehow, while screaming at him, wires got crossed, bullets got shot, and the next thing he knows there's another shadow trailing him, pissing off Gokudera and laughing all the way to an early grave.

Gokudera might be horrified to hear it, but Yamamoto is just like him. Yamamoto doesn't actually like Tsuna. He stuck around first out of some misguided duty, but he remains because he likes the chaos that's started to follow. Tsuna is just the unwilling avatar to a more interesting life.

He wishes Gokudera and Yamamoto were outliers, but at some point, Reborn turns his life into a revolving door of crazies all looking to Tsuna for something, and are completely blind to his lack of it. Ryohei wants some kind of rival-stroke-sibling, Haru wants a Prince, Dino wants an ally, and the kids…

Well, to be fair Lambo, I-pin and Fuuta weren't that bad. Lambo and Ipin were less interested in Tsuna and more focused on Nana. They were too young to be manipulative, and Fuuta...Fuuta gained Tsuna's respect by being 100 percent honest that he was using Tsuna, which is more than anyone else in his life was willing to do. It was refreshing in a way.

But kids aside, by the time Mukuro shows up and announces that he intends to take over Tsuna's body, Tsuna doesn't even have the energy to be upset anymore. It's just a more extreme version of what everyone else does, he's just being more honest about how much Tsuna's cooperation is required.

And honestly, there's a part of him that's screaming 'just do it.' He has so little control over his life at this point that he's not entirely sure he'd notice if someone possessed him. Might be nice not to do any heavy lifting anymore.

Unfortunately, that goes against Reborn's plan for the rest of his life, and he gets shot yet again. Normally when Reborn kills him, he revives with absolutely no sanity or common sense. Tsuna gets crushed under a persona that has no concept of consequence or morals – just a laser guided focus on achieving a goal. This time, he at least gets to keep his clothes, but when his actual personality re-emerges, Mukuro is being taken away by...mafia cops. Who make Reborn look positively playful and bring an even more depressing factor to his forceful introduction to mafia.

Omerta, secrets, prisons, traitors.

Tsuna has been declared mafia by the Vongola family. Even if he tries to run, the Vongola will drag him back. If he tries to get out of it legally, the Vindice will drag him into their cells.

It's funny, everyone's celebrating now that Mukuro is gone and there's no threat of anyone losing their free will.

But Tsuna's never felt more trapped in his life.

That same feeling comes crashing back when a silver haired shark arrives with more spectacle than Gokudera and Reborn at their finest, and Tsuna learns that despite Reborn's insistence on him being the last candidate, he now has to fight for it.

Xanxus wants the title, and for some stupid, ridiculous reason nobody is willing to tell him why they can't just give it to him. On top of which, if they lose, Xanxus will kill all of them just to prove a point. There is no scenario in which the man will let Tsuna walk away unless Tsuna takes him out and accepts the inheritance.

These rest of the circus seem delighted with this turn of events. Warning Yamamoto and Gokudera with rational words just sent them running to tutors, as if a sushi chef and a doctor with morals just shy of pedophilic will somehow turn a civilian and a rookie hitman into opponents worthy of elite, cream of the crop assassins. Sasagawa doesn't even ask for an explanation, running off with Colonello with an explanation so vague he half wonders if the teen is related to his mother. He's not even going to touch the whole 'Lambo-having-a-ring.' Who on earth thinks that will end any other way than the five year old in a box by next week?

Hibari is probably packing one of the other rings (and is about the only person in the group Tsuna doesn't worry about since Hibari taking on elite seems fairly par for course), but he's got no clue whose got the last one, and frankly he couldn't care less at this point. Part of him kind of just wants to let them all train and show up to the fights. Let them take their delusions into the battlefield and get hit with the painful reality of the world they seem to happy to enter while shoving Tsuna to the forefront, but Reborn is way too confident. No matter how many bodies fall, the hitman will see Tsuna face off against Xanxus, even if he has to shoot him with a thousand bullets to do it. At which point he'll either die, or claim a victory he doesn't want.

So those are his choices huh? Become a Mafia Boss or die?

He doesn't like either choice, but it's becoming clear he only has one real option. The Varia are professional hitmen. Tsuna's group is a handful of teenagers with a weeks worth of training under their belt, and he doesn't care if they choose to fight or not. He has all but begged them to back down, only to have it fall on deaf or oblivious ears. If they want to throw their lives away, it's their choice – it sure as hell wont be for Tsuna.

Besides, even if he wanted the title, Tsuna knows full well he can't win against Xanxus – knew it in a split second of seeing the other sky. He's carrying rage that could cover Italy, with experience and intelligence that come from being born in the gutter and tutored by the elite. The man will kill him in the most painful way he can sorely because Tsuna's very existence is an offence. Even if by some miracle he does come out the victor, it creates a history where he fought to be Vongola tenth, a precedent he can't deny, and he will not be a mafia boss.

So...death. It's his only option.

But Tsuna can't even let Xanxus kill him instantly, because he knows Reborn will use that stupid bullet and he'll no longer be able to think like 'Tsuna.' No, there's only one choice.

Tsuna has to kill himself. Before the matches even start.

It's not that he wants to. Far from it. He doesn't want to die. For all that his life is nothing to brag about, he's till rather fond of breathing.

But he no longer has a future worth living. And it'll be the ultimate 'fuck you' to his father and the mafia in general.

The only question is, how does he pull that off with a mafia hitman breathing down his neck 24-7?

The answer ends up being phenomenally simple. Dr Shamal.

The doctor is a walking disease centre, brought in to aid Tsuna back when he still had hope that this was all a bad dream. He even works at the school, and it does not take much for Tsuna to find his way into the nurses office. With the man's insistence that he doesn't treat men, it takes even less effort to dig in the doctor's bags and drawers to find something that might do the trick while his back is turned. A mosquito capsule would be perfect, but that would put Shamal under suspicion, and even though he might not like the man, there's something about making him take the blame that feels wrong. This is the first decision Tsuna has been allowed to make in a long time – he's not going to let anyone pretend it wasn't his choice.

In the end, he unearths a bottle of sleeping pills – although by the looks of the description, they're a lot stronger than anything he'd get over the counter. Not that he'd risk that, there's no way Reborn wouldn't notice him purchasing them...but he also can't just swallow them, they have to be taken in a way Reborn won't notice.

The answer comes to him with training. Reborn is firing bullet after bullet, and he's drinking water by the litre. It's literally not issue whatsoever to fill up a few bottles and drop the pills inside to dissolve. Once Reborn's had his daily dose of torture, he can drink them on the way home. The hitman won't notice if he collapses after training, he'll practically expect it.

With any luck, by the time anyone realises he's not just sleeping, it'll be too late.

Oddly, when the sun sets and he starts trudging his way home, he's...hesitant, to start drinking.

It wont hurt, but he wont ever wake up. It's death, for good.

Is he really sure there's no other way? This can't be the only option.

"Stop nursing that bottle Dame-Tsuna" Reborn mocks from his position on his head. "You need to hydrate for training tomorrow."

His shoulders sag, but Reborn is used to that, and Tsuna twists off the cap.

Death, or mafia. Dame-Tsuna doesn't have the skills or time to find another option.

He chugs back the water, trying to hide the grimace at the chemical aftertaste.

He's done being everyone's puppet.

Reborn isn't getting much sleep right now. As much as he pretends, this entire situation is a clusterfuck and he dearly wants to get his hands on the Ninth and ask him what the hell is going on, because he was brought here to tutor a disasterpiece, and nobody involved in the situation should have considered Tsuna capable of handling something like an inheritance battle for at least 2 more years. Mukuro had been acceptable – the Vindice had been on hand should Tsuna have failed – but there's no fail-safe here, and as skilled as Reborn is, he is not a god. All he can do is throw untrained teens at teachers and pray arrogance keeps the Varia underestimating their opponents long enough to keep the majority of them alive. His focus has to be on Tsuna entirely, and shoving a lifetime's worth of flame training on him in a matter of days.

It's stressful, and frustrating, and he's basically running on an IV of coffee and adrenaline so every minute of sleep he can eke out is a godsend. Which is why he's less than impressed when the alarms in Tsuna's room suddenly activate 2 hours after he'd fallen asleep.

He's out of bed with Leon in his hand before he even hits the floor, shutting off the siren and taking in the perimeter. None of the outside alarms had been triggered, and Tsuna hasn't moved from his bed.

Reborn stills.

By this point, he has Tsuna trained to react to the tiniest unfamiliar nose. Albeit with a tad more shrieking than he'd like, but the second any alarm burst in Tsuna's room the boy should have been falling out of bed, wrapped up in his blanket and squawking like a manic depressive seagull. Instead, he's dead to the world.

True, he'd trained to exhaustion the last 2 days. Maybe he just cant muster the effort.

But...Reborn's checked the room twice. There's no intruder, no hazard. What tripped the alarm?

Alarms that are also triggered to Tsuna's physical state...

A chill curls up Reborn's spine, and he jumps on the bed, yanking Tsuna's wrist out from under the blanket and checks for a pulse.

There isn't one.