Author's note—Thanks for the great reviews, ladies and gents! I laugh just reading them. By the way, a lot of these stories are inspired by real-life events. Like in this one, I got one of the ideas after finding out my grandfather still had a love life. Oh dear. For those of you wondering when Hubert gets his own deal, well, I'm going to have a very special chapter for him. Now, where did we last leave our heroes?
"Mr. Wayne! You need to get dressed now!"
Bruce opened one eye to see a nurse in his room, laying some clothing on his bed. "Everyone's almost ready. They'll leave without you."
"Leave? Where's everyone going?"
"Oh, don't you know? We scheduled a day trip to the zoo today."
Bruce didn't even blink an eye. "I don't want to go to the zoo. My stomach hurts."
The nurse rattled a pill bottle. "That's why I packed all your medicine. Come on, Mr. Wayne." The nurse realized she needed something to bait him. "Mr. Kent is all ready to go. Don't tell me you're too chicken to go?"
"Bring me my cane."
* * *
And so our heroes found themselves sitting in the van, en route to the Zoo. Hawkgirl and John were sitting next to each other, as were Bruce and Wally. Clark had to sit next to Luthor. "Why do we have to go to the zoo?" asked Clark to no one in particular.
"Well," said Luthor. "We were going to go to the mall, but thanks to you five, we've been banned."
Clark didn't know how to reply to that. He leaned back and tapped Shayera. "Look, we can't cause trouble this time, okay? Show Luthor we're not a joke."
"Alright. Hubert will be on his best behavior."
"HUBERT?" the nurses sitting in the driver's and front passenger's seats looked back. Clark pretended he hadn't said anything. When they both turned around, Clark began whispering. "Hubert—you brought that darn parakeet—"
"He said he wanted to see his Wild Relatives. So I put him in my purse."
"He's just a stupid bird—he can't talk to—" Shayera's eyes went red. "Uh…right…forget I said anything."
Clark got comfortable in his seat. Shayera looked at John. He had the facial expression of a giddy six-year old. "Hey, GL," she said playfully. "Ready for a date at the zoo?"
"Please, Robin, we're not that close."
Shayera bit her lip and said nothing.
* * *
"Shayera! Let go of the map. We'll go by the primate section and then head to the aviary. Makes perfect sense."
Shayera was pushing Wally in his wheelchair. "But I want to see the birds!"
"Will you quit acting like a little kid? Look at John. He's acting his age."
Shayera and Wally looked behind them. John was holding a green balloon, some cotton candy, and a giant stuffed duck Shayera had won at the midway. "Yeah. He's really acting his age there. Look, come over here John." Shayera forced Wally to hold the stuffed animal. He made a grab for the cotton candy, but Shayera gave that back to John. "You two can check out the other sections. I'm heading to the aviary."
"What? You can't leave me alone with John?"
"What's the worse that could happen?"
* * *
"Psst. Bruce."
"Clark, I'm going to tell you one more time. I can't hear you when you whisper. Now, what is it?"
"Check out Luthor's pocket."
Bruce leaned over and saw Luthor. He was looking into the lion exhibit. There was something green in his pocket… "Does that look like what I think it looks like?"
"Some sort of green rock…"
"Hello? World's Greatest Detective? How about kryptonite?"
Bruce elbowed Clark. "I was getting to that."
"At my age, that could be fatal. Go do something about it."
Bruce looked Clark in the eye. Boy, nothing changes all these years, huh? "Why the heck do I need to save you from this?"
"Because I need your help!"
Bruce lifted an eyebrow. "And?"
"Please."
"Say it."
"Never."
"Say it."
"Fine." Bruce hands Clark a small piece of paper. Clark puts on his glasses and begins to read. "You are a superior hero to me. I wore red underwear outside my body. My mommy made my costume. I was lame. My alter ego was a nerd and only wears glasses. My girlfriend was a bitch—hey, this wasn't on the list last time..."
* * *
"See, Hubert? These are all the birdies that mommy brought you to see."
Shayera was having a blast. Hubert was making so many new friends. "And this, Hubert is the Harpy Eagle. The largest of her kind…"
The massive raptor took one look at Shayera, another at Hubert, and swallowed the parakeet in one gulp.
"HUBERT!"
* * *
"Hey, check this out John…"
"Quiet Flash! These areas are not patrolled! It could be dangerous."
"The nurse didn't give you your medicine, huh?"
John was pushing Wally through the Primate section. It was pretty neat. They were in a very shaded area covered with tree branches. "Look at this! We can feed the little monkeys if we wanted to."
"Reminds me of Grodd," said John.
"That lame-brain? Please…" Wally was about to say more when two pairs of arms grabbed his and hoisted him up into the trees. "What the—"
The chimps and monkeys drew Wally into the branches. Then they proceeded to pick his hair and making noises. "Well dang. I've been kidnapped by apes."
Meanwhile, several feet below, John was trying to figure out what happened. "Flash was here a minute ago. And now he's gone." John could hear the monkeys above him. "What a minute…Flash…monkeys…apes…GRODD! Grodd is back! I need to save Wally—again!"
* * *
"Eh, Luthor? Mind if I join you?"
"Why not, Bat-geezer."
Bruce got Luthor talking about the old days pretty quickly. Back when Luthor was the villain to go up against. And Superman was more than a windbag. It was just the perfect thing to distract him. "So, I bet you still wished you had some kryptonite."
"You're telling me! Just to shut his trap for a while!"
Bruce smirked and held up the kryptonite. It was a small piece, about one inch by two inches. "Looks like you still do, Luthor. Planning on threatening my old friend with it?" Bruce tossed it in the lion's pen, where it fell into the water. "Looks like the heroes score a point in this round."
"You ass! That was my money clip." Bruce smirk disappeared. "Get it back."
"How?"
"I don't care how. Get it back."
* * *
"Security! Someone's trying to strangle the Harpy eagle!"
"Let him out! Let him out! Hubert? Can you hear me? Mommy's going to be there in just a minute—hack him up or by the Seven Hells I shall deliver a Mighty-Ass whipping."
"Ma'am, please leave the bird—"
SMACK went Shayera's purse against the zookeeper's jaw. The Harpy eagle took off. "Oh no," groaned Hawkgirl. She looked at her back. About seven feathers near the tips had finally grown back. Otherwise she was as flight-capable as a plucked chicken. "Well, maybe I can just climb a tree and throw things at it until I knock her down."
* * *
"Ha! That tickles!"
Wally was having a blast. The monkeys were just handing him sugar-filled fruit and picking dirt from his hair. One placed a pile of leaves on his head. "So, what, I'm your king now? Cool."
Meanwhile, John was climbing the trees. The situation was critical. His ring had gone out (well, they had taken that years ago…Wally had given him a new one from a Cracker Jack box). The Flash was being held hostage by Grodd.
"You ******* excuse for a raptor, you overstuffed and underbred waste of feathers, come and fight me!"
Oh no! Hawkgirl's in trouble too. John looked back at Wally. "Heck, Flash can take care of himself."
* * *
"Uh…Clark…"
"Yes Bruce?"
"You know that kryptonite you made me get rid of?"
"Yeah."
"It wasn't kryptonite."
"Oh ****."
Bruce's eyelids opened wide. He had never…ever…ever heard the Boy Scout say that."
They walked over to the lion's cage. The money clip was lying in the water. "You go get it."
"No way. You tossed it in there."
"You told me to."
"I just told you to get rid of it. Not my fault you goofed-up."
SMACK!
Bruce slapped Clark on the back and the ex-Man of Steel fell face forward into the lion's lagoon. SPLASH! "Ha!"
SMACK!
Luthor pushed Bruce right after him. "No!"
* * *
"O-o-ah-ah," said a chimp.
"What? Now that I'm king, I get a queen? Rock on. Is she hot?"
The leaves parted. A female orangutan began smacking her lips as the monkeys and chimps dragged Wally closer to his bride. "No, I don't want to…ah…"
* * *
"You jerk!"
"You sissy!"
"You have a Protocol for landing in a lion's drinking pool?"
"You're going to save us with your amazing powers? Or will that kryptonite money clip stop you? Super-vision you don't have!"
"Ah, Bruce?" winced Clark. "I'm getting that woozy feeling…"
Clark's eyes rolled back. "What the?" Bruce grabbed the money clip. Luthor was laughing above them. "You ass! The money clip is made of kryptonite!" He threw it as Luthor, and it hit him in the eye, causing the old tycoon to fall into the water too.
Meanwhile, someone above them was shouting. "Three old men have fallen in the lion's cage! And it looks like the old guys are…fighting each other?"
* * *
Shayera finally found a big enough rock. "DIE YOU SON OF A—Ah!" the branch Shayera was on broke, which threw her aim off. It plummeted into the trees. She fell several feet, trying to cling to branches. She tried flapping too, but her wings were still too featherless.
"Hold on, Hawkgirl, I'll save you!" John jumped right below Shayera and pointed his ring at her. Why isn't she slowing down? Oh wait Flash said the battery was—"Ah!"
Shayera fell into his arms. "John? She gave him a peck on the cheek. You saved my life! I'm speechless!"
"I slipped a disc."
* * *
"No! I don't want to marry a monkey queen! Ouch, don't bite me! Okay, okay I don't want to marry an ape queen!"
KERPLUNCK!
A rock had mysteriously landed on the orangutan's head, causing her to faint. In surprise, the monkey's dropped Wally right back into his wheelchair, when he used the excess sugar to spin away. He continued to fly at an accelerated rate.
"Well I've learn my lesson today. Don't accept strange fruit from talking monkeys!"
* * *
"You bald-headed freak!"
"Who's the freak, Bat-fart?"
"Uh, guys?" said Clark.
All three men turned to see a very hungry-looking male lion breathing on them. "Ah!"
"Don't just sit there!" said Luthor. "Rescue me!"
"Rescue me!" said Clark.
"Will the both of you," said Bruce as he waved his cane, "shut up!"
The lion batted his giant paw at the cane, sending it spinning into the air. It hit the back of the Harpy eagle's head, causing it to spit out a very lucky parakeet…that promptly crashed into John's hand. "John…you saved Hubert too!"
She swung her arms around John's neck and planted a kiss on his lips. "Hey…I saved the day and got the girl. I thought only Batman had that luck."
"Hey, there, handsome," said Shayera, batting her eyes. "How about you and me have some fun with your old ring…I still have the maces and the chains in my room."
* * *
"Do something else!" whined Luthor.
"Uh…I'm out of ideas."
"Batman's saying that? We are doomed."
"Quiet," said Clark. "Don't you hear that?"
"Hear what, Clark? I'm half-deaf."
"It sounds like…squeaking wheels…oh dear…DUCK!"
Something metallic flew above there heads. "Ah! I can't find the brakes!"
* * *
"And in other news tonight," said the anchorwoman, "three old men found themselves stuck in a real 'Lion's Den'. The trio of hapless ancients was saved when a forth elderly gentleman crashed his wheelchair into the face of an attacking lion. Everyone left with only minor scratches and bruises."
Bruce turned the TV off. "Just great."
"It could have been worse," said Shayera.
"How?"
"I could have lost Hubert."
Bruce rolled his eyes. "Oh yeah. Well, that just made the whole trip worth it."
"Well, John's got a bit of his marbles back?"
"What? John's sane again?"
Shayera waved her hand. "Alzheimer's comes and goes. I just helped it…go." Bruce stared Batman-style at her. "It's just a matter of…reminding him…of the good old days…I think I've said too much…"
"Wait!" laughed Wally just as Diana walked in. "You knocked boots with John?"
"Did I come in at the wrong time?" said Diana, obviously disgusted. "Um…here's your medicine, Shay. Although it looks like you don't need it as much as I thought." Wonder Woman left.
After she left, Wally continued to laugh. "I mean…come on, this is John, he has the memory of fish. What makes him the hottest bit of action at this place?"
"He has more stamina than you, Speedo," was Shay's only reply.