Sobering Up

Chapter One: Drunk

Sort of a sequel to Unexpected Heights. Regina inadvertently gets pulled into another nefarious scheme against her, and Emma once more is stuck dealing with her shenanigans. Somewhat swanqueen but only if you're drunk enough.

A/N: Overall, got a lot of votes for Regina on here and on AO3 when I asked who should be the drunk one, so here it is. Drunk!Regina.

The ringing of Emma's cell at two in the morning woke her up rudely. She sat up in bed, groggily reaching for her phone and unlocking it. "Sheriff Swan," she yawned.

"Sheriff, we have a situation," deputy Hua announced.

"What is it? Flying demons? A woman who slaughters puppies for fur coats?" Emma asked drowsily.

"No-"

"Then what? The lord of hell himself come to seek revenge on us?"

"Emma-"

"Or is it the flying monkeys?" At this she growled. "Did I ever tell you how much I hate those damn things?"

"Yes, we all know," Hua sighed out with the patience of one hearing such a fact over and over again had.

"Then what is it? Whose hurt? Who needs rescuing?"

"It's Regina."

Emma was instantly fully awake at this. "What happened?" She was already scrambling out of bed, shoving one leg into her denim pants, cradling the phone between her ear and shoulder.

"Nothing too bad. We just found her wandering around town drunk."

"Regina? Drunk?" Emma frowned as she buttoned up her jeans with one hand. It sure would be useful if she had something like magic to help her with this. Shame she didn't know how to clothe herself with spells. "Regina doesn't do drunk. Are you sure it's her and not some flying monkey trying to impersonate her?" That was a very real fear to Emma.

"Emma, the flying monkey's are long gone, I assure you."

"You never know. They could be hiding under the guise of being human. The stranger walking across the street could be one. The mail man could be one. Even the neighbor." Emma's eyes widened with sudden realization and horror. "You could be one."

Hua was silent on the other end of the phone. "Emma," she began slowly, and with concern, "are you okay? Do you have some PTSD related to flying monkey's? Do you need to speak to Archie about this?"

"I know your game, flying monkey," Emma hissed into the phone. "You can't convince me. I know the truth and I will expose you."

"Sure," Hua said tiredly. "Just come pick up Regina from the station. She's locked up right now for her own safety and she needs to be taken home." And then Mulan hung up.

Emma pocketed her phone and tugged on a shirt before rushing out to get her Bug. On her way to pick up Regina her heart began to pound more. It had been a week ever since she and Regina had kissed. Emma replayed the kiss every day and in her dreams. She had wanted to talk to Regina about it, and about what it meant, but the woman was mysteriously busy each time Emma struck up the nerve to come up to her. She supposed now would be a good as ever time to see if she could get some honesty out of Regina.

But when she got to the station she saw that Regina was clearly in no state for conversation. She was stumbling from one end of the cell to the other, looking drunk, confused, and annoyed. "Where did you find her drunk?" Emma asked Mulan who was sitting behind a desk, filling out some late night paperwork.

"We found her streaking across town," Mulan answered casually.

Man, Emma sure missed out. She would give her last dollar to see Regina's body.

"Do you have any idea what she drank to get like this? Regina, this is out of character for her," Emma explained as she stepped closer to the bars of Regina's cell. The woman was now swaying in rhythm to some song only she could hear.

Mulan shrugged. "I don't know. She just randomly appeared in the middle of town, streaking and screaming how she was going to burn down the whole town."

Emma contemplated this. This really was odd behavior from the usually uptight woman. "Thanks, Mulan. I'll take her back home and make sure she sobers up." There would be time to ask questions about why Regina behaved this way later, when she was coherent.

"Hey, Regina, come on let's you home," Emma said gently to the woman as she opened her cell.

Regina continued to dance to herself. "Regina," Emma goaded, "home. Bed. Rest." Thankfully (?) the mayor was now clothed, though she was wearing some baggy clothes that no doubt had been the ones Emma left over at the station and used when she worked out.

Regina finally noticed Emma in the cell, stopping in her swaying. "Mmaaaah," she greeted, her eyes not at all focusing on Emma.

"Damn, you are really plastered. You're going to regret this in the morning," Emma noted, holding out her hands as Regina lunged towards her with no coordination. Emma stumbled under her weight. She was warm and smelled as if she had been doused in alcohol.

"Geeze, you're going to need a shower. And some water."

"Shwer?" she questioned, leaning her heavy head on Emma's shoulder.

"Yes." Emma began to lead Regina out, staggering under her weight, Regina's legs tripping up over themselves.

"Have a safe trip home," Mulan voiced out.

"Don't think I forgot about who you truly are," Emma gritted out, narrowing her eyes at deputy Hua. "I'll deal with you later."

Mulan rolled her eyes, not even deigning a retort to that.

"We goin' whr?" Regina asked as Emma opened the passenger door to the Bug and sat Regina down, strapping her in.

"Home."

"Hme?"

"Yes."

"Hmmmm," Regina groaned out as she tried to say the word correctly, her head bobbing back and forth. Emma closed the door and got into the driver's seat, moving the Bug out.

"We're gonna make sure you feel better, okay?" Emma said gently.

Regina said nothing just slammed her head into the headrest, rolling her head back and forth while the rest of her body sat limply. She was silent for about two minutes before she spoke up.

"Up. Thfh up," Regina said suddenly as she sat up. Her hands scrabbled at the window.

"Settle down," Emma said. "You can't get out of the car."

"Thfth!" Regina groaned out, giving up on the window, and then bent over. Emma suddenly understood what was going on.

"No, not in the car!"

But it was too late. Emma's eyes widened in horror at the mess and her own gag reflex reacted violently. She only managed to stop the car before she saw what she had for dinner all over her dashboard.

Somehow, they managed to make it to Regina's mansion, Regina wobbling next to Emma as Emma grimly observed her poor car. "Now I'm going to have to burn the interior." She didn't even want to think about cleaning it up.

"s'rry," Regina stuttered out.

Emma just sighed heavily. She was sure Regina hadn't meant it, and the woman had tried to warn her too. "Okay, let's get you upstairs."

First order of business was getting Regina all washed up. And this wasn't solely because Emma wanted to make up for missing her chance at seeing Regina while she streaked (though it would be a prime opportunity). No, this was because her friend needed a nice warm bath to relax her.

The journey up was challenging, Regina almost tipping over on the stairs and falling back several times on their ascent. When they got to the bathroom, Emma sat Regina down on the toilet seat and got the water going. She made sure it was hot and that she put enough suds into it. When she was done, she waved a magical clothing removing hand over Regina's body while keeping her eyes peeled shut to give her friend some modesty. "Alright, get in Regina."

It took a while but she heard a sloshing sound and when she peeked out she saw that Regina was in the water, sighing out in comfort. Everything beyond her shoulders was thankfully covered by suds. "I'm going to go get you some pjs."

Emma left and went to fetch the change of clothing and when she came back she found Regina was gone in the minute it had taken her to do that. "Damn it, where could she have gone?" She panicked. She wasn't in the bathroom and there was no way she could have drunkenly stumbled around. She got her answer a second later when there came a gurgle from the bath. Eyes widening, Emma plunged a hand in and pulled out Regina who had slipped under the water. She coughed out water but seemed to have barely noticed she had almost drowned.

"Regina, don't do that!" Emma freaked, her heart pounding in her chest. "You nearly gave me a heart ache."

Emma propped Regina up normally only for the woman to start sliding into the bath water again. "Guess it was too much to ask you to be able to bathe yourself," Emma muttered under her breath.

Regina had no response to this, so Emma rolled up her sleeves and got down on her knees and got out the sponge to bathe Regina. "Arm," she instructed like one might to their dog for them to hand their paw. But Regina didn't register this, head lolling back and forth comically. Emma sighed and got Regina's hand out of the water. "Why do I always end up taking care of you when you get like this? Not that I mind, just, I guess I'm wondering why you got like this and after such a harrowing adventure you had last time." Last time referring to Regina ingested magical weed in a contrived plot by some gnomes to seek revenge on her. There had been binge eating, floating in the sky, near cannibalistic activities and Regina coming onto Emma several times.

Regina shrugged to this, eyes staring off at the wall in the distance. Emma lifted up Regina's other hand and paused when she saw what was there, boldly displayed across the wrist. "Is this...a tattoo?" She asked, staring in wonder and shock at the ink on Regina's arm. It said bad bitch in purple ink. Regina would be so pissed about this in the morning.

Regina shrugged once more, useless.

The rest of the bath went by quickly as there was no way Emma was going to wash Regina's privates or her chest. That was no no territory. Waving her hands and hoping that her magic would work on Regina (for it never worked properly on Emma) she gave Regina a bathrobe. While she was still in the bath.

The robe was now wet but at least Regina was clothed. Emma could work from there. Scooping Regina up by her armpits, Emma steadied her up. The water poured down from her robe and into the tub. Waving her hand again, Emma changed Regina into some dry clothes. A baggy t shirt top and some sports shorts. Then, holding tightly onto her, she walked her over to her bedroom. There the woman gratefully sunk onto her sheets and was out like a rock if the loud snores were anything to go by.

Emma made sure to roll the brunette onto her side so if she had to throw up again it would go on the floor. And then, Emma took off her own pants and settled herself down gingerly on the empty side of Regina's bed. Looked like she would have to take care of Regina again. Slowly she drifted off.

That morning she was woken up to the wonderful sounds of Regina moaning and groaning. "Oh god, what the fuck happened?" she managed out of a dry throat as she sat up.

There were bags under her eyes and her hair was disheveled. She looked so tired and downtrodden that all Emma wanted to do was pull her into a hug, but the slightly green look on Regina's face told her that wouldn't be a good idea.

"I see you're finally up," Emma yawned, eyeing the clock and seeing it was two in the afternoon now.

"Ugh, I feel terrible," Regina admitted, rubbing her eyes. "I still feel drunk."

"And you probably will for the rest of the day because of all you drank. Do you not know when to stop?" Emma asked as she got out of bed, pulling on her pants quickly so she could get Regina some water and Advil. No doubt Regina had a bitch of a head ache.

"I am a responsible person. I've never been this drunk before," Regina frowned, her words coming out slowly like cement drying. "Which is why this isn't normal."

This paused Emma in concern. "Do you think...magic was involved?" It had been last time Regina had a bad time.

Regina shook her head. "I'm...I can't remember what I did last night. Most of it is lost to my black out. But I do remember how it all began."

"How?"

Regina looked up at Emma and in all seriousness said, "unicorns."