"Keptin"

"Yes, Chekov?"

"Do we stop them?"

"Me, not we"

"What! Why can't I help?!"

"You are small and you're wearing a Onesie"

"...But-"

"You are not taking on an angry southern man and a Vulcan in a Spider-Man onsie"

"...Stop them Keptin before they kill each other in your honor"

Chekov huffed, sitting down.. as he watched his Keptin put on Leo's class ring?

"Keptin, why are you wearing Leo's ring?"

Chekov watched as Jim's face flushed, and his legs fidgeted.

"...The pants are a size too small, his ring won't go in these small ass pockets"

Checkov didn't even try to contain his snort.

His Keptin was the girlfriend in American high schools, the one who wears her boyfriend's jersey to the pigskin football games.

"Anyway, I'm gonna go wake up one of the deep sleepers so they can help"

Jim said as he started sprinting to the not so dogpile, barely avoiding a collision with Spock.

Who Leo had just thrown to the floor.

And oh shit, where had Leo's sleeves gone?

"Please hurry Keptin, I think Mr. Vulcan is planning Leo's murder"

Jim looked at said Vulcan briefly-

"Murder is killing intelligent beings child, this is pest control"

- and ran like hell to the pile.

Sulu has been a very deep sleeper since childhood, with two bratty sisters like his he had to get used to noise and general chaos.

So when he felt himself being dragged, from a small pile of people, by a guy who looks like he has smiled in the face of demons-

"Hey wanna help me break up a bitch fight?"

"Hell yeah!"

- he didn't even bat an eye.

Chekov watched as Jim hauled a taller guy out of the now not dog pile.

The first thing Chekov noticed about the guy? It was his fluffy hair.

The second was how he tackled back to the ground.

"Holy shit! I think we're gonna be great friends Mr-?"

Jim grunted out, as he grabbed Leo before he could go back after the Vulcan.

"Hikaru Sulu, but you can call me Sulu Captain!"

Chekov blinked, as he saw Sulu wrap his legs around Spock and put him in a chokehold from behind.

"Actually-HEY! LEO DONT YOU DARE BITE ME- I am not a captain Sulu. Just Jim"

Chekov sighed in relief, as he saw the Vulcan stop struggling in Sulu's hold at the Keptin's words.

"So dude, don't try and dispose of Leo. He can legally be an ass to me, and I can legally punch him for it myself!"

Leonard stopped struggling and turned his head back to look at Jim.

"...Are you wearing my class ring on your wedding-"

"Another word and I am going to legally kick your ass"

Chekov promptly burst into relieved laughter.

Leo huffed as Jim finally sat down next to him.

After Pavel had stopped trying to bust a kidney laughing his ass off, Jim had decided that a 'sharing circle' was needed.

He'd set them up so that they were surrounding the two unconscious humans, who are probably in coma's let's be honest.

If they could sleep through him kicking the pointy-eared bastard's ass then they probably won't be waking up at all.

"Alright team, let's start with introductions. I'm James Tiberius Kirk, call me Jim!"

Jim hummed as he bounced like a damn yo-yo. Honestly, if he thought the rest of them would play the first day of class-

"Hello Jim, I am Spock"

- well, never fucking mind.

"I'm Leonard Mccoy, and I hate all of you"

Leo Huffed, as Jim gasped in sudden but inevitable betrayal.

"I'm Hikaru Sulu, and I call bullshit"

"I'm Pavel Chekov and I agree!"

Sulu turned his head towards Chekov, smiling.

"Spider-Man agrees with me Mccoy, your opinions invalid"

Leo felt his eye twitch, yet again.

However, he could feel Jim's hand gripping the back of his shirt like a vice.

He had a feeling the shitty Starfleet shirt material would rip even more if he tried to lunge at Sulu while Jim was holding him back, so no brawls for now.

Well unless he fought shirtless.

"So Captain Jim, why are we on a Starfleet Vessel in Federation uniforms?"

Sulu turned once again to Chekov.

"Well most of us at least"

"Sulu...we have no fucking idea"

Jim sighed, finally letting go of Leo's shirt so he could run his hands through his hair.

"We only woke up, what an hour ago Jim?"

Leo chimed in, rubbing his very bruised knuckles.

How was Vulcan skin that fucking tough?

"Yep, and then we got sidetracked by Spock and Leo's bitch fight-"

Leo's eye twitched, yet again.

Across from him, he saw Spock raise his eyebrow.

The bastard.

"-Oh come on you two, your battle was full of spite and southern anger I reserve the right to call it as it is"

Sulu nodded as Leo glared at Jim.

"I have broken up many bitch fights in my life, I give it an eight out of ten"

Leo blinked very slowly.

"Why eight?"

Leo grumbled, not actually sure if he wanted to know Sulu's scoring system.

"Well there was a lot of violence, but sadly no slapping or trash talk-"

Jim cut him off, cackling out.

"The trash talk started before I woke you up, Spock called Leo an unintelligent pest"

Sulu proceeded to carry the trash talk to the square root of Spock's broken nose.

"Ah, a solid nine then Captain!"

Leo looked at the two hellspawn, with barely contained disdain.

"Can we change the topic, maybe to why the fuck we're all stuck here together?"

Jim looked between him and Spock.

"... Let's get you cleaned up first, you both look like shit-"

"I feel so loved"

"-and we should wait to make a plan when the other two are awake"

Jim finished, looking at Leo with the same 'you know I'm right' gaze his Ma did when he brought Sabine Fuller home and she told him to put her back where he got her from.

And she slept with his third cousin... so maybe he'd listen to Jim.

Just this once though goddammit!

"Leo"

"Yes, Jim?"

"How the fuck did you get away with only a few cuts and bruises after you broke Spock's nose and his goddammed wrist!"

"Pure fucking Georgian rage darlin"

Spock looked at the Mccoy, who was getting first aid from Jim.

"Chekov is Mccoy and the Captain engaging in Terran flirtation?"

Chekov, who had grown very attached to his Keptin since he woke up, chirped.

"Yes, yes he is! And should Leo hurt the Keptin, I will bring upon him the wrath of Russia's winters"

Spock logically scooted away rather quickly.