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"I Just Came to Say Goodbye"

a Fireheart story

Prologue

EPOV

Regret is a curious thing. Heavy; but mostly suffocating.

Lonely.

The entire world seems to move on around us whether we're ready for it or not. Or maybe it just moves around certain people. Our worlds might be unique. Altered based on decisions, a sea of stupid choices. But different, based upon the thoughts and emotions of the beholder. At least, that's what I've come to hope. Because if anyone else felt what I feel every time I look in the mirror, I can't imagine the world would be a very happy place.

I'll never forget it.

The first time I saw her.

It wasn't some bullshit cliche, hollywood moment where the world stopped moving. It wasn't love at first sight or any kind of perfect thing that everyone searches for. But rather, just a moment. One tiny moment of some kind of fire that went through me.

The light just happened to hit her as I caught a glimpse. My eyes found hers through a crowd of people, way too many to be able to notice one person but there she was. Her hair was a veil of the softest looking brown waves I had ever seen. She had a smile that was kind of contagious. Even if you didn't want to, you smiled with her because it was impossible not to. I tried to force myself to look away from this complete stranger but it was her eyes that held me in place.

Brown, but not.

Amber, but not.

I stared at her for a few moments longer than socially acceptable but I didn't particularly give a fuck. I didn't know why, but I felt like I just had to know her. In any way she would allow. I had no idea what her voice sounded like or if she preferred pizza or Chinese, or what her favorite color was but I wanted to know. All of it; I needed to know all of those things. One look and I was righteously pissed at myself for being that guy. The one who stared, the oune who couldn't get his shit together long enough to approach a pretty girl.

I remember the way her cheeks burned pink when she caught my stare and the way her hand came up to push a loose wave behind her ear. She wore a green sweater. Black stretchy little pants and high brown boots. I think her fingernails were painted, probably some natural shade of pink. She wore a necklace, just a plain silver chain with a heart. Her eyes glanced down, clearly embarrassed.. by me, I realized. I remember the way I pulled my brows together, willing myself to stop being a goddamn creep but I just couldn't stop staring. The moment could've been an hour, could've been a second. Just a moment in passing. But that was the first time I ever laid eyes on Isabella Swan.

Sometimes, I wish there was a way to go back to that moment. If there was a way to change the past, the present or our unforeseen future, would we do it? How many things could be different from changing one moment in time? Just a moment.

As much as it kills me to admit it, I think I would change it. Instead of following the path that led me here, I think I would go back. But not to her moment. I would go back to the moment just before that one and never look. Never have that one moment; prevent it. Maybe, just maybe it could've been something else. Is it better to wish for a second chance or is it better to wish to never have met her? I really don't know but I feel the weight of that question every goddamn day of my life.

For a long time, I did everything I could to make excuses. It was the timing.. It was other people.. It was her.. But that's all they were; excuses. The truth of it, is that it was me. And as much as I wish I could fix it, I can't go back. I can't change it. I can never take that back. God knows I've fuckin tried. I've tried to reach out in the beginning, to no avail. I tried to learn how to live without her. I tried to figure out who I really am. I still don't have a goddamn clue.

People say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Fuckin try it.

CHAPTER ONE

EPOV

"Masen." My head snapped at the call of my name, my unwavering impatience finally relieved as I stood and swung my backpack over my shoulder. I marched towards the desk where the awaiting Sergeant raised a brow and pursed his lips into a thin line before he huffed a breath and stamped the final red ink on my release papers. I didn't bother with any parting words as I pulled a cigarette from the crushed pack and brought the filter to my lips, already dry but eager for that first inhale. I pushed the doors open and winced at the sunlight as I lit the end and and stepped across the demarcation line. I took a long, lazy drag as I crossed from military to civilian with just a few steps. It's strange, to go back to a civilian life but it was time for me. I served my four years and reassigned for another eighteen months. But I've had my fill. I did what I said I would do, a promise kept. But I wanted my own life, not one for my family. I didn't bother to look back, not that I wanted to look ahead either so I just walked with my head down, lost in my own thoughts as I made my way towards the awaiting greyhound bus station, waiting to take me.. Home, I guess.

Waiting for however long, I laid on the bus stop bench, just staring up at the gray skies and thick cloud cover. The rumble of thunder was distant but promising. Every now and then, a low jolt sparked the gray clouds that seemed to loom only over me. Rain was coming. Rain.

She stood there, drenched from the pouring rain, her hair a wild mess of dripping waves. Her clothes were as soaked through as mine were. We stood across from each other, both angry. Both hurt. Both with shameless tears falling down our faces. Only inches separated us but it may as well have been miles. She had to have been freezing but didn't seem to even notice the temperature as her swollen and red eyes flared with rage and pain. Betrayal. Her voice, when it finally broke, fractured my very soul. "Mase, please.. just stay."

Words I'll never forget. I hear them every day. Every night. Every time it rains. Every shower. Every dream or conscious thought. I hear them over and over and it breaks me every time. Another crack in an already shattered soul. Even now. Two thousand or so days later.

Within minutes, my cigarette had burned through relentlessly, the tips of my fingers burning with the reminder that I was even holding it. With a flick, I shook the image from my mind. The one that haunted my dreams, my every silent moment. The most precious face I would ever have the pleasure to have seen, crumbling under a veil of salty tears and a soul crushing agonized look in her eyes. It felt as if a light went out inside her. Acceptance. It was the last memory I have of that beautiful face and it kills me to have put it there.

When the bus finally showed up, I handed my ticket over without making eye contact at either the driver or the open fields behind the base where I spent the majority of the last few years. I kept my head down and pulled out the beat up phone I still held onto all this time. Never upgraded, never changed the number either. Just in case. Just in case there was the off chance she would text. Or call.. anything. When I turned on the power, no new messages popped up on the screen. Not that I was expecting any. Every Friday for the last six years, I've powered on this piece of shit just for a few minutes. Never saw her name come up. But I had one saved voicemail from her. Old, from before everything. I've listened to it so many times that I knew it better than any song. It wasn't even important, just a message of her voice, asking me to pick up a bottle of wine on my way home from work. She told me she loved me and I might be a selfish asshole for listening to it a million times over but it got me through a lot of bullshit over the last few years.

Scrubbing a hand over my scruffy jaw, I shook my head at myself and closed the contacts screen with her name on it. She probably didn't even have the number anymore. I pulled up some music and pushed the annoying buds in, officially blocking out the rest of the world's bullshit with a glance out the window, watching the raging storm that was ready to drop right on us.

I wasn't entirely sure how much time passed when I jolted awake to the sound of the air brakes on the bus and then the doors swishing open to let everyone out. A rest stop, I realized as everyone left their personal belongings on board. With a little hesitation, I left my overstuffed backpack on the seat next to me and stepped off the bus. I scanned the crowded rest area and found a few shops, gas pumps, way too many people and some vending machines. Lighting a cigarette, I stalked towards the vending area and pushed some quarters in, hitting the first button at the top, not really caring what came out. Just as I heard the change drop along with whatever I was about to eat, I caught a flash of soft brown hair from the corner of my eye. I halted my steps and found myself staring, maybe hoping but mostly terrified of the face that hair belonged to. Just then, some little kid ran up to the girl and hugged her leg, watching me stare and hid behind her. When she turned, the girls face was unfamiliar but she smiled all the same. I offered a nod of my head and dipped down to pick up what I found to be a bag of pretzels and a bottle of water. Shaking my head, I leaned against a cement wall overlooking the rest stop as I finished off another cigarette, my thoughts a jumbled mess of what if's and for some reason, the face of that little kid. It made me wonder where Bella is now and what she's doing. How much her life has changed. I wondered if she had a kid of her own and found myself sick at the very idea of it. A family of her own. A life without me. Part of me wanted her to wait for me, the better part would never have asked her to.

From pure aggravation, I flicked my unfinished cigarette and made a pit stop in the restroom before I planted my ass back on the bus, only a few more long hours from a city I really didn't want to go back to. Friends I've barely kept in touch with. An apartment that nobody lived in anymore and of course, the possibility of seeing her.

By the time the bus rolled into the station, the city lights erupted under the night sky. With a heavy sigh, I stepped off the bus, shuffled through the ever crowded Grand Central station and took the familiar route towards the Upper East side. I walked with my head down, hood up, trying to keep the rain from my face as I held a slow pace, in no hurry to open the door to an empty apartment.

It's been two thousand days since I've seen her. My Bella. Almost six years since I watched her cry, her eyes in that moment forever haunting me and yet.. the moment I opened the door to my dusty apartment, I saw her so vividly she could've been real. A beautiful ghost that haunts me. That smile over her shoulder, the sound of her laugh fading into the overwhelming silence. The light and happiness that once filled this apartment was long gone and all that was left were a few pieces of furniture with white sheets draped over all of it. Dropping my backpack with a loud thud, I walked over to the living room window and pushed it open, letting some air in to help clear out the dust. I remembered the way she would stand in this very spot with her morning coffee and watched all the people in the park far beneath the building. The thought had me backing away from the window, not wanting to see her standing there, not that it helped. I saw her everywhere. Even when I didn't want to.

The electricity hasn't been turned on yet, there wasn't a morsel of food here and my ridiculously outdated iPhone was officially dead. There wasn't any hot water for a shower yet and the thought of staying in these clothes for another goddamn minute had my aggravation rising way too fast to handle without a drink in my hand. I moved to the bedroom, the closet my only target when I saw the bed. Perfect and pristine the way she left it. The bedding was dark blue with white pillows. A flash behind my eyes and there she was, sprawled out in the morning sun. Naked under the sheets that kept her tucked at my side, that goddamn smile on her lips before her eyes ever opened. Our fingers laced together, her voice sleepy, and a kiss that almost brought me to my knees right where I stood.

"Jesus fuck." Snapping myself out of it, I gritted my teeth and stalked to the closet, ripping a clean pair of jeans off a shelf and grabbed a plain black tee shirt off a hanger that flung itself to the floor. Ignoring the bed on my way out of the room, I stalked to the bathroom and changed my clothes, also ignoring her stupid pink toothbrush as it sat in a holder next to mine. She was everywhere and nowhere at the same time and it was starting to piss me off. I grabbed the pink toothbrush and chucked it into the trash, but not before glaring at myself just once in the mirror. My hair was an unruly mess on top of my head, my eyes empty as usual but at least I recognized a little piece of myself with my own clothes. The sleeve of ink that covered my left arm was mostly new however. A balled silver chain peeked out from under the top of the too tight black cotton shirt, not entirely ready to part with the tags that hung there.

Stepping into well worn in boots, I grabbed the keys off the counter and pulled the door open, desperately needing some air, a cold beer and some damn food. When I pulled the door open, a familiar face was staring back at me, stunned but excited.

"You stalkin' me, bro?" A chuckled laugh and a middle finger greeted me as Jasper stood across from me, a single key on a ring in his hand. He was still half dressed in his uniform. Insignia I've long missed wearing myself. The FDNY logo sent a wave of longing through me. I knew my job would be there when I came home but I was suddenly more eager to get back to it.

"You're home. For good this time?" His eyes looked behind me to glance inside but there wasn't much to see as I closed the door. With a nod, I grinned, pushing a hand through my hair.

"Looks that way. What're you doing here? Not that I'm not glad you are." At that, Jasper laughed and leaned in, the usual fist bump and one arm hug we've shared a thousand times. Although it seemed like another lifetime ago. My lifelong best friend. Through school, the academy, life.. everything. We've been through it all together. I missed him even though we talked almost every month that I've been gone.

"I got a call from downstairs that someone keyed in the entry code. I can't believe you're finally home. You headed out?" He looked happy but worried. Probably because I looked like total shit or he didn't want me to ask the question we both knew was coming. Instead, I just nodded and motioned for the elevators. "I could use a beer. You?"

It was a short walk to a place we've frequented many times before, though it looked a little different after all this time. The conversation flowed easily, as it always had. We caught up quickly, laughed about some things but avoided any talk of Bella altogether until he could see it in my face that I was dying to ask but wasn't brave enough to say her name out loud. With a swig of my beer, I stared out at the mesh of people scattered throughout the bar, well aware of his eyes on me.

"What?" My voice was void of amusement as I made eye contact with Jasper, his own gaze unwavering as that annoyingly cocky smirk of his made an appearance.

"It's been two hours, man. I thought you would've asked by now." I raised a brow at that, admitting to nothing as I took another swig, finishing off my beer and nodded towards the bartender to send over another round, my eyes never leaving Jaspers face.

"I haven't asked about her in years, why would I ask now?" It would do no good to lie and pretend I wasn't fully aware of what he meant, the guy can see right through me, he always could. It pissed me off to no end.

"Because, now you're home and it's different." Well, fuck if he wasn't right but instead of arguing, I spared myself some time and simply asked, "How is she?" My throat felt a little tight as I swallowed nothing but air and looked away from his face while he shook his head and finished his beer, setting the empty bottle on the bar.

"Last I saw Bella, she was doin' alright. She never really went back to normal after you left. She went through a lot, man. And I know.. you have too. I haven't seen her in awhile but last I heard she was teaching. Ballet studio downtown." He cast me a knowing look, already assuming I would try to find her. I wasn't sure if he was right.

I didn't say anything else but he knew not to push it. It's been a long time since we've approached the Bella conversations and the first few didn't end very well. Jasper knows all of it. He knows what happened, why it happened and how it's tortured me ever since. He knows when to push and when not to. So he let it go. For now.

The rest of the night went quick after that. A few beers, more casual conversation, a few laughs and we even stopped by a phone place after many laughs were had at the ancient iPhone I carried in my pocket. We parted ways a little after midnight and I walked home feeling like I might actually be able to sleep through the night for a change. As soon as I was through the door, I kicked off my boots and pulled my new phone out of my pocket and tossed it on the couch, still not completely sure how to even use it. I walked towards the bedroom and even through my drunken haze, I could see the perfectly bed made, waiting for me to lay in it. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't sleep in it, I could barely look at it. I turned back to the living room and crashed on the couch, not bothering to even change my clothes as I hoped for a dreamless night.

~ author notes ~

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~ Fireheart