TW for discussions of past drugging and rape/sexual assault

The first time Natsu noticed that something was wrong with Gray was three days into October, when he found him crying behind the guild.

"Gray?" Natsu crouched down beside Gray, who was sitting with his back against the wall, face buried in his arms, shoulders shaking. "Hey, what's wrong?" He reached out a hand to touch Gray's shoulder and Gray jerked away from him.

"Don't touch..." His voice was quiet and it trailed off. He shook his head, still breathing raggedly. "Sorry, it's, I just, I was... running. Just tired. Fine, I'm fine."

Natsu frowned. Normally Gray would have punched him in the face by now for being too nosy. Or at least challenged him to a fight. Something was wrong.

"What're you doin' back here?" he asked, watching Gray stare at the ground and scratch his arm until it started to turn red. "Hey, you're hurting yourself." He went to reach out for Gray's arm but pulled back when Gray flinched.

"Just... smoking." Gray patted his pocket absently and Natsu raised an eyebrow.

"You quit like, six months ago," he said gently. "What's up, princess?" There was a long silence before Gray's breathing eventually evened back out to normal.

"Nothing," Gray insisted after a moment, voice no longer shaky. "Just. I'm fine. I just need a minute, I can't..."

"Can't what?"

Gray stared miserably at the ground and Natsu searched his face for clues as to what was going on. Gray's eyes were red and his gaze was vacant.

"Go... there, it's..." Gray shook his head, rubbing his face and pushing himself off the wall. He turned around, avoiding eye contact with Natsu. "I need to go home."

When Natsu checked Gray's place for him later, Gray didn't answer, even though Natsu knew he was home. He could smell Gray, but his usual calming scent was tinged with something... bitter. Anger? Fear?

"Hey, popsicle, I know you're home!" he shouted, banging on the door again. "I'm bored and I wanna kick your ass, get out here!"

There was a crash and a few curses, then an agonizingly long silence.

"Go away," came a quiet reply. "I'm not in the mood."

Gray didn't come to the guild hall for several days after that. Natsu searched around town for him until Lucy told him that Gray had gone off on a job by himself.

"Alone?" Natsu frowned. A cobweb hung from the ceiling over his head and he blew it away. The entire guild was decorated thanks to Lucy and Levy – pumpkins, leaves, skeletons and more. Natsu loved it – he couldn't wait for the guild Halloween party.

"You know him, sometimes he gets moody." Lucy shrugged, sticking an orange-and-black paper chain together. "It wasn't a big job, he should be back in a week or so. Why are you so worried about him all of a sudden?"

"I'm not," Natsu said defensively, shifting in his seat. "He's just bein' weird, that's all." He took the chain that Lucy handed him and watched her fold more paper.

"I'm inclined to agree with Natsu," Erza said as she settled down next to him at the table.

"Now there's something I never thought I'd hear," Lucy said, grinning. Erza ignored the comment, setting her plate down in front of her.

"He wouldn't come into the guild," she said. Natsu looked up at her, frowning. "He asked me to bring him a job request but he remained outside. When I asked him about it, he was evasive."

The three of them sat in silence for a moment, then Natsu sighed. "Should I go find him?" he asked. Erza contemplated the question for a minute, then shook her head.

"No, if he needs space, we should let him have it," she said, digging into her cake. "It's not like you or I haven't taken solo jobs before." Natsu grumbled, kicking the base of the table.

"Fine," he muttered. "But he'd better be back soon."

Gray took longer than expected to come back from the job – it was almost the third week of October before Natsu saw him making his way down the road to his house. Natsu ran to catch up with him, calling out his name.

"Gray!" Natsu skidded to a stop next to him, out of breath and smiling widely. "You're back!" Gray's shoulders tightened and at first he didn't turn around.

Natsu's heart sank – were they here, again? Things had been awkward between them since last New Year's, when several glasses of champagne had given Natsu the push he needed to grab Gray, blurt out that he had feelings for him, then kiss him as the year turned over. Gray had reciprocated at first, then suddenly pulled back, pushed Natsu away, and fled into the crowd.

After that things had been strained. Gray acted like nothing had happened, but he was different. He was slower to touch Natsu, reluctant to hug him, insisted on sleeping in his own room when they stayed at an inn. It had stung, and Natsu had nearly talked to Gray so many times, but it had never seemed right and eventually the awkwardness had buried itself away.

But now...

"Hey." Gray turned and gave Natsu a weak smile. Natsu's eyes widened when he realized that Gray had a black eye, as well as several bruises and cuts along his jaw and cheeks.

"Shit, what happened to you? Have you seen Wendy?" he asked. Gray brought a hand up to his cheek and winced, then shrugged.

"It's not a big deal. I fought some bad guys, the usual." He hefted his bag on his shoulder and took a step back from Natsu, who frowned. "They look worse." Natsu hesitated, then forced out a laugh.

"They'd better. C'mon, drop off your stuff and come to the guild!" He was tempted to reach out and grab Gray's hand but had a feeling it wouldn't be a good idea. But maybe getting him to come hang out with the gang would help with this... whatever was going on. "Lucy's gone crazy with decorations this year, the Halloween party is gonna be awesome."

"I'm, ah, actually going to visit Lyon," Gray said quietly. "Next week, I mean. I won't be there for the, uh, the party." Natsu didn't miss the pained look that flashed across Gray's face, but before he could say anything Gray smiled at him. "I'm really tired, long train ride. I'm gonna sleep. See you later, okay?"

As Gray walked off to his apartment, Natsu couldn't shake the feeling that something was very, very wrong.

It was two days before Halloween and Gray and Natsu were headed down to the market to pick up some party supplies. Gray was leaving in the afternoon to visit Lyon, but it was still early morning and he had – somewhat reluctantly – agreed to help Natsu.

"What the hell happened to your arm?" Natsu reached out and grabbed Gray's hand, and Gray tensed before allowing Natsu to inspect it. Deep red scratches decorated his skin, next to scabbed over bits that almost looked like blisters.

"Allergic to something," Gray said quickly. "It's fine." He tugged his arm away from Natsu and pulled his sleeve down. Natsu frowned – Gray had definitely been wearing more clothing than usual lately, and he couldn't remember the last time he saw the ice mage strip. Actually, he couldn't remember the last time he had seen Gray in the guild hall.

"Did I do something wrong?" he said suddenly, stopping their trek to the market and giving Gray an uncertain look. "You've been... if this is about last Near Yea—"

"It's not," Gray reassured him, looking uncomfortable. "I've just been... busy."

"With what?" Natsu challenged. Gray had never kept a part of his life secret from him before. Ever since they were kids, they'd known everything about each other, but this past year had been slowly pulling them apart. "I just..." he hesitated, loathe to admit it but feeling like he was running out of options. "I miss you."

Gray looked guilty, sighing and rubbing his face. He glanced around them – they were in the middle of the street down to the market square, interrupting the flow of traffic. He nodded down the road and Natsu followed reluctantly.

"I'm sorry," Gray said when they arrived at the market, his voice barely audible above the din of the people around them. "It's not..." He sighed, turning toward the center fountain, which was decorated with pumpkins and several ghosts made of bedsheets. A creepy-looking mannequin held a wooden sign that said HAUNTED HOUSE AHEAD.

Natsu was surprised to hear Gray's heartbeat increase dramatically as they approached the fountain and he turned to look at his friend. Gray's eyes were closed and his hands were balled into fists, and he was breathing shakily. He seemed terrified, suddenly. Of what?

"Are you okay?" he asked, touching Gray's arm. He wasn't expecting the violent jerk backwards that bumped Gray into one of the stalls, knocking over a pile of hats. Gray swore, leaning down to pick them up and apologizing profusely to the shop owner. When he turned back to Natsu he looked almost desperate.

"Sorry," he said, rubbing his arm where Natsu had touched him. Natsu's chest ached. Did his touch really hurt Gray that much? "Not you," Gray reassured him, looking over Natsu's shoulder. "Can we go?"

Natsu nodded slowly, gesturing for Gray to head to their next destination. As they moved through the crowd, he watched the uncomfortable way Gray pulled away from people who got too close to him. So it wasn't just Natsu? It was anyone? But that didn't make sense, because not that long ago Gray had seemed fine...

He sighed, trailing behind Gray in the crowd and trying to come up with an explanation for what the hell was going on.

"You made it!" Natsu grabbed Sting and Rogue and pulled them both into a hug, then guided them into the guild hall. It was Halloween and preparations for the party were in full swing. Mira and Lucy were doing some last-minute setup, and the whole room was full of people putting out food and drinks.

"Looks great in here," Sting commented, looking up at the decorations. "We were going to have something at our guild, but the people who aren't here are off teaming up with Lamia Scale for some special... quest or something." Rogue rolled his eyes.

"It's an inter-guild mission," he said, bumping shoulders with Sting. "It was Lyon's idea, he wanted to help us build things back up at Sabertooth, so they went to do some missions in the more remote areas of Fiore. And as guild master, you should know that." Sting grinned.

"That's what I have you for, love," he replied, kissing Rogue's cheek.

Natsu frowned. "Lyon's idea?" he asked. Sting nodded. "Did he go with them?"

"Of course," Sting said, frowning. "They left a week or so ago, why?"

Natsu's stomach dropped. Gray had lied to him, then? Was he still here, in Magnolia? He'd insisted that he didn't need an escort to the train station yesterday, so he could have easily ducked back to his house. But why?

"Just wondering," Natsu said quietly, looking around the guild. He was starting to get seriously concerned. "I gotta go grab something from home. See you in a bit?"

Natsu ran all the way to Gray's house, filled with a sense of unease. He ducked through shortcuts and hopped over a fence, finally coming to a stop at Gray's front door.

There was no answer when he knocked, but Natsu could smell it again – Gray, tinged with bitterness that made Natsu wrinkle his hose.

"I know you're in there, ice block," Natsu said. "Lyon's off on some mission, why'd you lie to me?" The only response was silence and he sighed, knocking again. "Gray? C'mon, lemme in."

"Go away." Finally, Gray's voice – but he sounded so dull and listless. "I'm not coming to the party, leave me alone." The door remained locked.

"C'mon popsicle, open up." Natsu leaned against the door, knocking again. He swallowed his pride, adding, "I'm worried about you."

"Fuck off."

"Nope. I'm just gonna sit on your doorstep until you let me in." Natsu shoved his hands in his pockets. "I could start singing? I'm sure your neighbors would love that."

There was a sigh and a click of the lock, and the door swung open. Gray stood there, arms crossed over his chest, looking at the ground. He had dark circles under his eyes, and both his forearms were scratched and red.

"Shit, Gray, what's goin' on?" Natsu asked gently, entering the house and closing the door behind him. Gray shrugged, moving into the kitchen and leaning against the counter.

"I just don't want to go," he said. "You can't make me."

"That's not why..." Natsu exhaled in frustration, running his hands through his hair. Why did Gray hate Halloween so much? It didn't make sense – he'd always loved the holiday and the party as much as Natsu. Unless...

"Did something happen at the party last year?" Natsu asked tentatively. Gray's breath caught in his throat and he kept his eyes on the ground, saying nothing. Shit.

Natsu had only vague recollections of the party himself – Mira had made so many different drinks and he'd wanted to try them all, and most of the night had been blurry. Thinking back, he hadn't seen much of Gray. What had happened?

"Talk to me," he begged. Gray shook his head. "Something's obviously wrong. I wanna help."

"You can't," Gray replied, voice hollow. "It's mine to deal with. Go have fun."

"I'm not going anywhere," Natsu argued. "You look like shit and I'm not leaving you alone." He expected Gray to tell him off but instead he just stood there, expression vacant. Natsu settled against the opposite counter and tried to keep himself from reaching out and touching Gray. It was hard for him to comfort without touch.

"'s not important," Gray said dully. He swallowed, scratching at his forearm. "Just... go to the party, be... careful. I'll be fine."

"That's not..." Natsu sighed, struggling to find the words. He couldn't stand to see Gray like this – afraid and angry and alone. "Did something happen last year?" he asked again. There was a long silence where Natsu could feel Gray's uncertainty.

"It was just... some guy," Gray said eventually. His voice was so quiet that Natsu could barely hear him. "Friend of a friend of someone. Or whatever. It's not important."

"It is important," Natsu argued, shifting down towards Gray a bit. Some guy didn't give him much to go on, but he wasn't sure how much to push. "What happened?" Gray shook his head at first, then chewed on his lip for several minutes.

"He…" Gray continued eventually, and Natsu waited patiently. "I was drinking. Had too much, but… there was something else. I c-can't remember all of it. Shouldn't have... I couldn't move..." He exhaled, struggling over the fragmented words.

"Someone drugged you?" Natsu said incredulously. Why would someone...? Oh, fuck. There was only one explanation he could think of. Natsu's stomach roiled and he felt like he was going to be sick.

"I just had too much to drink and..." Gray insisted, pushing the words out in a rush. "'s not a big deal. I've slept with other people at parties before." His voice was monotone and he continued to scratch at his arm. Slept with other people. Then...

"Gray..." Natsu's hands shook and he felt angry, suddenly. Someone had hurt Gray, had... but he had to ask. Had to be sure, even though a large part of him didn't want to know. "You mean he forced... himself? On you?"

There was no response, which was a good as a resounding YES. Natsu felt sick.

"Gray, fuck, if... if you didn't want to, and he drugged you, that's... you couldn't say 'yes'." Natsu could feel his whole body trembling, and all he wanted to do was reach out and hold onto Gray. Instead he tried his best to keep his voice still. "That's rape."

Gray flinched at the word, wrapping his arms tighter around himself. He said nothing, staring intently at the floor and shuffling back, away from Natsu.

"C'mere," Natsu said, gesturing to the couch. "Come sit down." Gray moved reluctantly over to the couch, slumping down with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. "Can I sit beside you?"

"Yeah," Gray whispered, shuffling over to make room. Natsu settled down carefully, leaving a space between them. Gray's cheeks were red and his hands were shaking.

"It doesn't matter if you've slept with other people," Natsu said slowly. His stomach churned at the thought of Gray, high on something, being led away by a stranger to be hurt and abused. People had probably seen them going upstairs, but had assumed it was just another one-night stand. Fuck. "That doesn't mean you wanted it."

There was a long silence. Gray grabbed a pillow from the couch and held it against his stomach, then started scratching his arm again. Natsu reached to stop him without thinking and was about to pull back when Gray grabbed his hand. Natsu squeezed Gray's fingers.

"You know it wasn't your fault, right?" Natsu's words were gentle and Gray looked down at the floor. "You didn't... you didn't do anything wrong. It's not your fault." Gray shook his head.

"I was so fucking weak," he said softly. "I've fought... so many monsters. Demons. Dragons. But I c-couldn't push this fucking guy off me. Couldn't say 'no'." Natsu's heart broke at the shame evident on Gray's face. "I couldn't... I s-saw you, wanted to say... but I... like I was asleep. And I didn't, I didn't want it, didn't want to..."

Natsu's stomach clenched because now Gray was crying, trying to hide it behind the pillow. He moved a tiny bit closer and ran his thumb over Gray's knuckles, trying to convey comfort through the small touch.

"I'm so sorry." His words felt meaningless. "I wish I'd known, I could've..." He trailed off with no idea what to say.

"I didn't want you to know." Gray's voice was thick with tears. "I didn't want..."

"Why?" Natsu asked, puzzled. Did Gray think that this would make Natsu look at him differently? "I don't think... it doesn't change—"

"I can't, not with you." Natsu felt a pang of hurt run through him and he frowned, trying to get Gray to look at him. "It's not... not you, I just can't. It's too much." Natsu felt like he was going to start crying. When did Gray stop trusting him?

"Did I... do something?" Natsu's eyes widened in realization. "It's 'cause of... New Year's." Gray looked like he was going to argue, but instead hung his head, and Natsu felt panic begin to rush through him. "Fuck, I'm so, so sorry, I didn't... and I was drinking, and you—"

"I wanted it." Gray's words were quiet but firm. Natsu looked up at him, frowning in confusion.

"You... no, you said he-"

"No, not... not the..." Gray exhaled, breathing picking up for a second. "Not what he did. W-with you. I didn't... I wasn't gonna go home with anyone. From the party. I was..." the words seemed stuck in Gray's throat and he squeezed Natsu's hand tightly. Even though he was too far away for it to be comfortable, Natsu didn't move any closer. "I drank a lot then 'cause I was trying to... not be a coward." Natsu frowned.

"I've never seen you be a coward," he said softly. "And I've seen you fight a lot of scary stuff."

"Not fighting," Gray mumbled, rubbing his face. "With you."

"...me?" Natsu frowned, feeling his own pulse pick up at the admission. "What did I... "

"I wanted to tell you." Gray pulled his legs up on the couch and rubbed at this face, glancing up at Natsu for a second. "How I felt. About you, I wanted... but then..."

"Oh, Gray," Natsu whispered. "Fuck, I'm so sorry, I should've..." He went to move closer, then hesitated, looking at Gray. "Is it okay if I touch you? Or move a bit closer?"

Gray stiffened a bit, fingers curling around Natsu's. He looked over at Natsu, really meeting his eyes for the first time that evening. There were full of hurt and fear and indecision, muddled with his tears.

"It's okay if the answer is no," Natsu added, brushing his thumb gently along Gray's knuckles. "If this is okay, we can keep doing this?" Gray took a shaky breath. "I'm not... I don't want anything from you. I think you know that, but just... I just don't know how to make it better without... hugging. Or holding."

Gray squeezed his eyes shut and ran a hand over his face, then shook his head.

"No," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Natsu insisted. "I've got an idea, okay? Can I go grab your pillows from your room?" Gray looked hesitant but nodded, letting go of Natsu's hand.

Gray's room was usually neat and organized, but now it looked like a warzone. Clothes and blankets were strewn in piles, and mugs of half-full tea sat on the desk and windowsill. Natsu grabbed the blanket and both pillows from the bed, then returned to the couch. He set one pillow down next to Gray, then put the other in between them as he sat back down.

"You look exhausted," he said gently, passing Gray the blanket. "You haven't been sleeping?" Gray shook his head, looking defeated.

"Nightmares," he said quietly. "This... I was okay? I didn't think it would be this bad. But everything – the decorations, the drinks, the guild, it's all supposed to be fun... and all I can think about is some guy on top of me and I can't breathe."

"I'm sorry," Natsu said. He rested his hand on the pillow between them, palm-up. "Why don't you try to sleep now? I'll stay here. Is that okay?"

"But the part—"

"Fuck the party, Gray, you're what's important right now." Natsu sighed. "I know we're all, y'know, rivals and stuff. And we beat each other up and argue, but... you..." He stopped, taking a deep breath and then exhaling. "You're the most important person in my life. And I mean that in a family way, and a friend way, and a... a romantic way, I guess."

Gray made a small sound, but Natsu couldn't look up at him. He felt Gray's hand rest in his and relaxed as their fingers twined together.

"I meant everything I said at New Year's," Natsu continued, examining the pattern on the pillowcase. "And that's all... it's still true. I still care about you like that."

"I do too," Gray said quietly. He sniffed and rubbed his nose. "I went... after the party, I went to stay with Lyon, I don't know if you remember."

"I do, 'cause I missed you." Natsu's cheeks were burning, but he wasn't going to pretend anymore.

"I missed you too," Gray whispered. "And I thought... I stayed with Lyon, and he knew, and we did all, y'know, the things you're supposed to do when you're a victim." The word was bitter and Natsu squeezed Gray's hand. "When you kissed me then, I did – I wanted it, but it was just like... I couldn't think about you because he was there and I thought I was better, but I wasn't and you, you deserved better than broken." Gray was shaking as the words poured out of him.

"Gray, you're not bro—"

"I wanted to be better, for... for you." Gray made a deep, anguished sound and covered his eyes with his hand. "I don't want to be like this. I want to just... forget."

"I know," Natsu murmured, running his fingertips over Gray's palm. "I can't imagine how you feel, but I don't think you're broken or a victim, or any of that. You're you and you're strong and you're not alone now, right?"

Natsu gestured to the pillow on the armrest and Gray looked at it contemplatively. Then, he shifted on the couch and lay down with his head on the pillow next to Natsu's leg instead. Natsu froze, one hand still twined with Gray's, other hovering uncertainly in the air.

"You can touch my hair," Gray said, cheeks turning pink. Natsu exhaled and brought his fingers down into Gray's dark hair, moving slowly and watching for any sign of Gray pulling away. Instead, Gray leaned into the touch a little, eyes drifting closed as he let out a deep breath.

"Go to sleep, snowflake," Natsu murmured, leaning back into the couch.

"What about—" Gray started to protest and Natsu shook his head, drawing his fingers through Gray's hair in long, slow strokes. Gray let out a contented sigh and shifted into a more comfortable position.

"We'll figure it out tomorrow," Natsu said softly. "Maybe not all of it, but we'll try. And..." he hesitated for a second. "I know that right now you're not in a good place, and I'm here for you to help you and support you as a friend. If and when you decide that you want more, those feelings will still be there, but it's okay if you're never ready for that. Okay?"

There was no response and Natsu looked down to see that Gray was already asleep, curled up on the pillow with his hand tucked into Natsu's. Natsu exhaled, brushing Gray's bangs out of his face and wishing he could kiss this all better.

All the bits and pieces of the evening were settling down onto his chest like a heavy weight, and part of him wanted to scream. He wanted to run outside and burn things down and destroy anything that made Gray hurt.

He shook his head, shoving those thoughts aside. Right now, they could both use the sleep. Gray was safe and comfortable, and that was all that mattered. Everything else could wait until tomorrow.