TJ

I've always loved the rain. The way it feels as it runs down my skin. The sound of the gentle pitter-patter as it crashes to the ground. The overwhelming sensation of serenity and clarity it brings like the first droplets of a warm shower on a cold winter morning. A mild chill ran through my body as I swung back and forth, the sound of the rain accompanied only by the metallic jingle of the chains clutched in my shivering hands.

The park had become something of a happy place for me. More and more often on bad days I would find myself there, letting my mind drift further and further away with every swing to and every swing fro until I could almost forget why I began swinging in the first place.

But today, I thought to myself, would not be one of those days.

I slowly turned my head left, my eyes falling upon the vacant swing beside me as it softly swayed in the wind. Even the sight of that swing made my heart pound faster. My eyes lingered; my mind raced, almost as though I could imagine him into reality and find him there, swinging by my side, with those deep brown eyes and that warm smile that always drives me crazy.

I let out a heavy sigh as my phone buzzed in my pocket, pulling me back into the real world. Almost as if I had only just noticed the chill in the air, a violent shiver ran down my spine as I pulled out my phone to read the text my mom had sent me.

Mom: TJ where are you? I thought you were studying

I pushed my tongue against my cheek as I thought about how to respond. As far as my mom was aware up until now, I was in my room studying for a math test tomorrow. And for a while, I was.

"It's okay, TJ, you just need to keep practicing." Cyrus had promised me. We had been studying together over video chat. Well, it was more like Cyrus was encouraging me to study as I spent what felt like hours staring blankly at a page of numbers, waiting for them to eventually make sense.

"I know." I responded glumly, slumping back into my chair. After a few seconds of uneasy silence, I shook my head, "It just doesn't feel fair."

Cyrus wore a sorrowful expression. He had opened his mouth to speak, but he didn't need to. He understood what I meant.

I leaned forward, resting my head against my hand, my face almost uncomfortably close to the glowing screen in front of me. There was so much I wanted to say to him in that moment, but it wasn't the time nor the place. I had other things on my mind, and either way a video chat on a rainy Wednesday evening probably wasn't the appropriate setting for that conversation.

I lifted my eyes to meet Cyrus'. He gave me a gentle smile in response. "You just need to give it another try." He suggested.

Somewhere in the deepest recesses of my mind, I had decided that that wasn't what I'd wanted to hear. I let out an irritated groan and let the pen in my hand fall onto my desk. "I do keep trying!" I said, raising my voice louder than I had intended to.

A wave of regret instantly ran across Cyrus' face. "I know, I-"

"I keep trying and trying and trying and none of it makes any sense, Cyrus!" I shouted, feeling tears forming in the backs of my eyes as I pulled my face away from the laptop screen. "I mean, it's so simple, right? You can do it and Buffy can do it and so can everyone in class except for me!" I cried, my voice breaking partway through.

Cyrus looked as though he wanted to cry too. "I'm sorry, TJ, I really didn't mean it like that!" He panicked, leaning in as uncomfortably close as I had been seconds earlier, "I just- I just want to help you! I know you hate yourself because you think you can't do this, but you can, TJ! I know you can. I believe in you."

I could feel a lump forming in my throat as I desperately fought back the urge to burst into tears. "I know, and I'm so thankful for your help, but..." I trailed off, returning his gaze for a few seconds as I found my voice, "…I'm just too stupid."

Cyrus immediately shook his head in response to that. "No. No you're not. You can't beat yourself up like this, TJ! This is not your fault!"

"Yes it is." I shot back immediately, warm tears now rolling down my face. I looked down out of embarrassment, noticing how my hands were violently shaking in my lap. I let out a shaky breath, trying to compose my thoughts, "I'm sorry, Cyrus, but I'm gonna go."

Cyrus' eyes widened. "No, TJ-"

I had already slammed my laptop closed.

TJ: Sorry I was studying, just needed some alone time so walked to park

I texted back to my mom in response. Already knowing what her response was going to be, I jumped off my swing and began the walk home, pulling my raincoat tight around my shoulders.

Another buzz.

Mom: It's a school night come home right now! Your going to catch a cold please tell me your wearing a coat

Exactly the response I'd expected, right down to the incorrect use of 'your'.

TJ: Sorry, yes I'm wearing a coat, on way home now

I placed my phone back in my pocket and continued walking. I looked up as the rain clouds twisted and turned above me, falling darker and darker before parting in just the right way, that the white light of a lone star in the night sky shone it's way through the endless sea of gray.

Almost instantly, my phone buzzed again. Rolling my eyes, I checked the screen only to find that I had a text from Cyrus, and suddenly my heart was racing all over again.

Underdog: I hope you're okay

I kept reading it over and over. Four simple words and yet they meant so much more to me.

TJ: Idk. I'm hanging in there

I felt like an idiot as soon as I pressed 'send'. I knew that Cyrus would see through my lie immediately but as much as it hurt me to struggle the way I did earlier, it hurt me more to see Cyrus feel guilty over my struggle.

After about a minute of walking in silence, Cyrus sent me another text.

Underdog: Ok. Worried about you, please give me a call back when you're home

All I wanted was to call Cyrus and cry to him over everything I hated about myself; to hear his comforting voice and to feel his support; to feel close to him. But I couldn't risk scaring him away. I wanted him in my life more than I ever even knew I could, and if my desire to be closer to him ended up pushing him away, I'd never be able to deal with that. No, I had to be strong; had to stand on my own two feet.

TJ: I'm ok don't worry, see you tomorrow

Pocketing my phone once more, I quickened my pace. I've always loved the rain, but in that moment, I suddenly found that the only thing I wanted was to be in the dry.

The night grew darker as the clouds continued to shift, hiding away the star's light once more.

So I've never written for this show or this pairing before, in fact I haven't written at all in over four years, but I really wanted to give this a try. I hope you like it! Any feedback would be appreciated.

I've already uploaded the next chapter onto my Wattpad account, so if you're desperate for that then you can check it out now, HOWEVER the next part will be uploaded on this site tomorrow! And it will be longer, I'm just finding my feet with this part!

By the way, in case you notice any strange or inconsistent dialect in here, I'm a British guy trying to write how an American would write. So sorry in advance for that, if you do spot anything, please let me know!