Author's Note: Hello, everyone! I'm Dilly-Oh, and I like to parody things I enjoy (Frozen, Escaflowne, Blood+, and Blue Exorcist, to name a few). I'm weird like that. So after watching The Dragon Prince on Netflix and thinking of a bunch of dumb/funny stuff, here we are! I will be parodying the entire series, completely re-writing the episodes to be incredibly stupid and funny, one episode at a time. There will be no set release date for new chapters, I will simply update when I have time, so please be patient. Otherwise, enjoy!

The Dragon Brat

Episode 1

Echoes of Blunder

Long ago, Xadia was one land, rich in magic and wonder…but then the Fire Nation launched an attack that- wait, what? Wrong show, sorry.

*Ahem.*

In the old times, there were only the six primal sources of magic: the sun…the moon…the stars…earth, fire, water- dammit I'm doing it again, aren't I? Okay, hold on, where was I…moon, stars, right, then the sky, and the ocean…

But you guys see what I'm talking about, right? I mean, seriously, come on.

One thousand years ago, a Human mage discovered new magic from a seventh source…dark magic. It used the magical essence within magical creatures themselves to unleash dark power – without even ASKING first. Horrified, the Elves and Dragons put a stop to the madness. While a simple 'dude, knock it off' would have sufficed, they instead issued restraining orders on the entirety of the Human race and kicked out every last one, sending them west. The continent was divided in two, as per the divorce agreement, becoming the Earth Kingdom, Fire Nation, Water Tribe and why do I keep DOING that? I'm sorry, I swear I'll stop. Anyway. To the east were the magical lands of Xadia. To the west, the boring as shit Human kingdoms.

For centuries the King of the Dragons himself defended the border. The Humans called him Thunder, for when he fart- er…I mean…SPOKE…he shook the sky. Yes. That's how he got the name. Definitely from his voice, not farting or anything silly like that.

However, on the eve of last Winter's Turn, the Humans used unspeakable dark magic to slay Thunder. They also destroyed his only egg, his heir... the Dragon Brat. Not even a deeply heartfelt 'my bad' could mend this terrible atrocity.

Now the world stands on the edge of all out war, but I truly believe Aang can save us all- son of a BITCH I did it again! Forget it, I give up!

-Present Day-

Rain fell heavily on a darkened castle, beating a steady rhythm on the stone ramparts as thunder boomed in the black clouds above. Lines of lighting crackled across the sky like grasping fingers. In one of the rooms inside the castle, a young boy with wild hair and freckles lay in bed, snoring away. He clutched a spotted toad-like creature to his chest, which joined in with snores of its own.

Further inside the room, an older boy with brown hair and a red scarf was sitting bent over a desk, drawing by candlelight.

"Ugh, why can't I get her left titty right-"

*Crack-BOOM!*

"AAAAAAAAA!" The younger boy sat up in bed, instantly awake and screaming bloody murder.

"Ezran, STOP," the older boy called without looking up. "It's just a thunderstorm. And definitely not the monster that lives under your bed I told you about last night. Now go back to sleep." He paused. "Before the monster really does come."

"AAAAAAA- Oh." Ezran blinked. "Sorry, Callum. I thought Bait was farting me awake again." He hugged the toad-thing tighter. Bait opened its eyes and glowed in response, illuminating the room with a soft, warm light.

"Wouldn't be the first time," Callum muttered. "He's supposed to be your nightlight, not your alarm clock."

"What're you drawing? More naked ladies?"

"No!" Callum said quickly, then threw his sketches in the fire to destroy the evidence. "…It helps me practice anatomy-"

"Whatever." Ezran lay back down, wriggling deeper under the blankets. "Can you tuck me back into bed?"

"Ugh, fine." Callum rolled his eyes and stood. "One little brother burrito, coming up-"

"And kiss Bait good night!"

"Ew, no. I'm not kissing him again, Ez."

"Why not?" Ezran looked up at him with pleading eyes.

"Because the last time I did I got warts all over my mouth and everyone thought I had herpes for like a month. I'm not doing it." Now Bait also had pleading eyes. It even batted its lashes a little. Callum groaned. "Okay FINE let's compromise. I'll blow him a kiss."

"Deal!"

-Meanwhile-

Deep in the castle's surrounding forest, a lone armored guard was on patrol, slogging through the mud. Soaked from the driving rain, the guard halted, glanced around, then unzipped his pants and began to relieve himself.

*Snap!*

The guard gasped at the sudden sound and whirled about.

"Who's there?!" he cried aloud. "Declare yourself, in the name of King Harrow!"

"Dude, your dick's still out," a voice called from the trees.

"It is? Oh, jeez, sorry." He hurriedly composed himself, then stood blinking in the rain. "…It's that size because it's cold-"

A crack of lightning illuminated a group of cloaked figures standing in the shadows. The guard gasped again.

"Oh you poor people! You must be soaked from the rain! Come on over and we'll have you by the fire drinking hot chocolate before you know it! Hurry now, you never know what kind of thieves or murderers could be in these woods-"

One of the figures lifted a pair of twin daggers that gleamed in the dark.

"Oh good, you brought protection with you! That was smart. You should always be prepared-"

"Oh my God someone kill him already!"

The Elf with the twin daggers sprang forward, cape flaring open to reveal sleek green clothing. Her eyes flashed dangerously. The guard finally realized his life was in danger, screamed, slipped in his pee-puddle, and ran. The female Elf gave chase, leaping up into the trees and easily hopping from branch to branch after him. After several minutes of pursuit, the guard ran straight into a tree and went sprawling helplessly in the mud. The Elf landed gracefully in front of him and approached, knives out.

"Alright, you caught me!" the guard cried, glaring up at his pursuer in defiance. She leaned closer, her blades grazing his neck- "Go on, beautiful Elf maiden! Do it! Have your wicked way with me-"

"Wait WHAT." The Elf froze over him.

"Go ahead, ravish me! I am yours to plunder! Claim me as-"

"Uh, no, no thank you, I really don't want to-"

"Use your knives to cut off my clothes, tie me up and gag me like a bad boy-"

"Okay, you know what?" She held up her daggers. "You…you can just leave. Like right now. Go. I don't even want to kill you anymore just go."

"Are…are you sure?" The guard stared up at her, looking slightly disappointed. "We can use a safe word-"

"YES I'm sure just GO."

"Well…all right. You don't have to kink-shame me." He slowly picked himself up, wiped the mud off his chest-plate as best he could, and started to walk away. He disappeared behind a tree, then popped his head back around. "Are you SURE-"

"YES! LEAVE!"

The guard finally left, muttering under his breath.

"Yeah I'm not cut out for this shit," the Elf girl sighed.

-Back at the Castle-

Dawn was breaking, the storm subsiding as the sun peeked above the horizon. In another of the castle's rooms, a middle-aged man with a graying beard stood in his plush quarters before a golden mirror, straightening his black and grey suit. He stared at his reflection, reaching out to caress the strange runic symbols around the edge, noticed a zit and tried to pop it, then slowly swiveled in place to check out his butt-

*BAM BAM BAM!*

"High Mage Viren! I have urgent news!" The man jumped in surprise, hurriedly grabbing a cloth and throwing it over the mirror before answering the door. The guard from the previous night stood there, mud-spattered and panting for breath. "It's an emergency!"

"My God, man! Hurry, tell me!" Viren cried. "…But first how does my butt look in these pants?" He turned around so the guard could see better.

"Uh…kinda wide," the guard admitted. "Maybe it's the shoes?"

"Dammit, you're right." Viren frowned down at his feet. "I'll have to change."

"I'll help you pick out an outfit! This is obviously more urgent than the assassins that have infiltrated our kingdom!"

"Thank you, man. I appreciate your THE WHAT NOW."

-Later-

High Mage Viren hurried along the castle's many corridors, silver staff in hand. He approached a large set of extravagant double doors flanked by guards.

"My Lord, King Harrow hasn't yet woken-"

Viren shut him up with a quick jab to the dick with his staff, then barged past as the guard crumpled to the floor. He marched into the room, stomping past the luxurious canopy bed and yanking opening the thick curtains, letting in the light. There was a groan from the bed as King Harrow, a handsome man with dreadlocks and a short beard, lifted his head.

"Viren…what have I said about you being in my bedroom this early?" he asked, glaring through his dreadlocks.

"…That it's weird and creepy and not to do it again or you'd throw me in the dungeon?" Viren said after a pause.

"Mm-hmm." The King waited expectantly.

"I brought you coffee."

"I forgive you." Harrow sighed, sitting up.

Viren smiled, then screamed as a beautiful black and green bird suddenly dive-bombed him, screeching and going for the eyes.

"He, however, does not."

-Later-

The two men met out on a balcony in the early morning sun. The King shuffled out into the sunlight, wearing a fuzzy bathrobe and bunny slippers, his parrot perched on his shoulder. He took a sip of coffee from a 'World's Best King' mug and scowled at the other man.

"Alright, Viren. What couldn't wait a full eight hours-"

"Assassins."

Harrow spat his coffee out right into Viren's face.

"Well, MY morning is ruined," he grunted.

"As is mine," Viren muttered, wiping his face. "A scout on patrol discovered them just before dawn."

"How did the guard escape?"

"He claims to have seduced the assassin, though I find that highly unlikely considering he's a three at best," Viren sniffed.

"Viren," Harrow said evenly, "I told you not to rank the soldiers. It's mean and demoralizing." He took another sip of coffee. "I'm at least a nine, right?"

"Highness, if we could get back to the assassins-"

"Wait, wait, wait, why would anyone even want to kill ME?" Harrow asked in confusion. Viren gave him a blank stare.

"…Because we led an unprovoked attack against Xadia, slew their blessed Dragon and slaughtered its' defenseless Dragon egg?"

"Naw, I bet it's something else." The King's brow wrinkled as he rubbed his chin in thought. "Maybe I have too many parking tickets on my carriage or something-"

"King Harrow!"

"Okay, okay!" Harrow raised his hands in surrender. "What's the big deal, though? They're just assassins. It's nothing we haven't seen before." An arrow suddenly shot through the air and pierced the wall right next to him. Without reacting, Harrow took another sip of coffee. "…See it happens all the time. Perfectly normal."

"You don't understand," Viren went on vehemently. "These are Moonshadow Elves. They'llbe strongest with the full moon-"

"That sounds…awfully familiar-" Harrow cut in.

"Oh, I'm sure it's not, your Highness."

"No I swear I've heard it before-"

"No you haven't it's totally new and original and never been used before-" Viren stopped himself and cleared his throat. "Anyway. As you can see, we're in quite a dilemma, considering we have a full moon tonight."

"No family fun game night?" the King asked anxiously. "I was gonna crush the boys at Scrabble-"

"With the Elves at the height of their power," Viren went on, deadly serious, "nothing will stand against them. Tell me, my King…what are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking…" Harrow thought for a long moment, "tacos."

"…What?"

"I'm choosing my last supper. If I'm gonna die, I might as well go out with a full stomach, you know?"

"What- but- tacos- are you crazy?!"

"Yeah, you're right. We just had Mexican. I should choose something else. Waffles, maybe. Yeah, waffles."

"Will you quit with the food?!" Viren exploded in exasperation. "Look, we'll just have to find the assassins today, in the light of the sun, before they attack!"

"Yes, good idea!" King Harrow beamed and clapped him on the shoulder. "You take care of that. I'll be busy with…other things." He turned as Viren walked away, pointing at a nearby guard. "You there! Fetch me the cook! We have many important matters to discuss."

-Back in the Woods-

The lone Elf girl leapt through the trees, slowly making her way back to her comrades. She landed on the ground with light feet and pulled back her hood, revealing elegant black horns and white hair. Frowning, she took out her knives, guilt roiling in her gut as she recalled her failure from the night before.

Sighing to herself, she glanced up and caught sight of a bush filled with ripe red berries. She gasped aloud, her eyes lighting up.

"That's it!"

-Moments Later-

The Elf girl sat in the bush, happily chewing a mouthful of berries, the red juice spattered over her face.

"Mmm, that hits the spot- WAITAMINUTE."

She froze, glanced down at her conspicuously clean knives, then back up again at the now empty branches. She swore and stood up to go find more berries.

-At the Elf Camp-

The group of Elf assassins had set up camp in a small clearing deep in the forest, pitching up their tents in a circle. They sat around, checking armor and tending their weapons. A couple sat in the back, toasting marshmallows over a fire, and another pair were painting their nails camouflage. One Elf with long hair pulled back in a ponytail over his twisting horns and a medallion sat on a rock, waiting. The lone Elf girl stepped out of the trees and approached the group. Her knives were out and glistened with red liquid.

"Well done, Rayla," the Elf said, nodding at her in approval. She nodded back and tried to slither on by. "Hold it."

Rayla jerked to a halt, breaking into a cold sweat.

"Yes, Runaan?" she replied, as coolly as possible.

"Why is your mouth covered in blood as well?"

"I ate his heart out," Rayla blurted before she could stop herself. Runaan raised an eyebrow at her. "…Yeah it was probably a bad idea, I got a little carried away. First blood, you know." She shrugged helplessly.

"And why does his blood smell…sweet?"

"...He…had the diabetes?"

"Disgusting humans." Runaan wrinkled his nose in distaste. "Too many Twinkies, I'll bet."

"Haha, yeah, oh my God, they're so gross," Rayla laughed more loudly than necessary, then quickly hurried away through the camp, avoiding eye contact before anyone could ask any more questions.

-At the Castle-

The citizens of the castle had begun their daily lives, walking the streets and chatting amiably. In one house, a hefty baker was busy cooking fruit tarts in an old stone oven, laying out the pastries to cool on a nearby table. As he turned his back, Prince Ezran scuttled out of a vent and began shoving pastries down his shirt.

"HEY!" Ezran froze, the baker suddenly looming over him. "You again?! Quit stealing my shit, kid! I'm gonna go bankrupt!"

"I'm not stealing!" Ezran protested, his face a picture of innocence despite his bulging shirt. "I'm…pregnant!" Bait suddenly plopped out the bottom of his shirt, landing at his feet. Ezran threw his arms up. "It's a boy! I'm a mom!"

"I'm serious, kid. I'm in the damn hole. I'm gonna lose the bakery at this rate." The baker glared down at him impassively. Ezran stood there for several more moments, then grabbed a double handful of tarts, shoved them down his pants, snatched up Bait, and darted back into the vent.

The baker sat down and started crying into his apron.

-Elsewhere in the Castle-

In an empty courtyard, Callum was preparing to train with the help of an older boy with side-swept blond hair and silver armor. Other guards and soldiers milled about the edges of the area, watching with amusement.

"Alright, Prince," the older boy said, "today we will be practicing the art of swordplay. I'll give you lessons that will allow you to become a master swordsman."

"Really, Soren?" Callum asked hopefully.

"No, actually, I'll just be smacking you around with this here sword and humiliating you in front of everyone." Soren cheerfully held up a wooden sword and smiled.

"Sounds about right," Callum sighed, then yelped as the sword cracked him between the eyes.

"You're dead."

"You haven't even given me my sword!"

"Oh. Right. Sorry." Soren handed over the practice blade, then cracked him between the eyes again. "You're dead."

"You're not even teaching me!"

"Okay, FINE. Stand up straight, sword at the ready." He waited until Callum was in position, then whipped his sword out and smacked Callum's to the other side of the courtyard where it pierced a straw dummy's crotch. "You're dead."

"That counts, right?" Callum asked, pointing at the dummy.

"Please," Soren scoffed. "Remember last week? You're the only guy I know who lost a match against a straw dummy."

"...It cheated."

"HOW-"

"It knew my weakness to hay fever and used it against me! Clearly it had prior knowledge and therefore an unfair advantage!"

"Uh huh. Let's continue." Soren smacked him in the gut. "You're dead." The head. "Dead!" The heart. "Dead again." The knees. "Horribly crippled for life so that every moment is sheer agony and you pray for the sweet release of death-"

"Kinda praying for it now," Callum grumbled, knowing he'd be black and blue the next morning. "Hey, wait. What if I was wearing armor?"

"Let's be realistic. If you were wearing armor, you'd probably just flop right over from the dead weight."

"…Yeah okay you have a point." Callum let out a despairing sigh. "Dammit, I'm terrible at this! Why do I have to practice swordplay?"

"Because that's what's expected of a step-Prince," Soren explained patiently. "…Also because the comedy show is good for morale." He gestured over his shoulder, where the other watching guards cheered and waved their popcorn.

Just then, a lovely young woman with long, dark hair to match her long, dark dress went walking by, completely engrossed in a book. She didn't even notice the tree she was in danger of walking into.

"Hey, Soren! Your sister is about to walk into that!" Callum whispered fiercely. "You should say something!"

"Claudia!" Soren cupped his hands around his mouth. "Walk faster!"

"That's not what I meant- hey, Claudia! Watch out!"

"Huh?" Claudia blinked and looked up, finding herself face-to-face with the tree. "Whoa! Don't you get fresh me with!" She smiled over her shoulder and waved. "Thanks, Callum!" Then she turned, tripped over a horse trough, and hit the water with a loud smack. She immediately came spluttering up, her wet hair plastered over her face.

"Yeah, thanks, Callum!" Soren doubled over, snorting with laughter.

Claudia wrung out her hair and sat down on a nearby bench, returning to her sodden book. Callum stared at her with puppy-dog eyes, which Soren was quick to notice.

"Ew, really? Ugh, fine, I'll help you impress her. Go ahead, hit me!" He held still, arms out. Callum seized his chance and lunged forward, his blade swinging down. It struck Soren's chest, bounced off, and popped right back up into Callum's left eye.

"...Okay wow that was pretty impressive," Soren admitted.

"Nice, Callum!" Claudia called encouragingly. "Last time you got two black eyes! That's definitely an improvement!"

"Alright that sweet embrace of death thing is sounding pretty good right about now-"

"Prince Callum." A woman in a robe suddenly appeared. "The King wishes to speak with you."

"Oh thank GOD." Callum eagerly turned to go.

"Okay, wait, he needs a Hall Pass," Soren said. He dumped a saddle with the words 'Hall Pass' scribbled on it into Callum's arms. "Don't lose it. The only other one we have is an actual horse."

-In the Throne Room-

King Harrow, now dressed in Kingly red garb and golden circlet, stood in the throne room, gathered around a large table with his advisors. On it was a model of the kingdom, complete with a castle, miniature soldiers, and the surrounding landscape. There was a knock from the tall double doors and the two Princes poked their heads in.

"Uh, you wanted to see us?" Callum asked hesitantly. Ezran shoved past him, Bait in his arms.

"Dad! What did you- Hey! So that's where my Legos went!"

"Boys!" Harrow boomed cheerfully, turning and holding his arms out to greet them. "Great news. You two are grounded."

"What?!" the Princes said together.

"For, like, a month. At the Banther Lodge."

"WHAT?!"

"We didn't even DO anything!" Callum protested.

"Someone put those tarts in my pants-" Ezran stopped himself. "I mean…what he said."

"Plus, it's spring," Callum went on. "That's the winter lodge. What'll we even do there?"

"Think about what you did," Harrow answered sternly. "Now go get packed."

"Fine," Ezran said, glaring up at his father. "But I'm taking my Legos." He stepped up to the table and started disassembling the castle.

"No, that took me hours!" the King wailed in protest.

The pair were quickly booted out of the throne room and stood in the hallway, looking at each other in confusion.

"Why is he sending us away?" Ezran wondered aloud. "Usually when he grounds us we just get sent to our room. Something's wrong."

"Oh, calm down, Ez. I'm sure everything's gonna be just fine," Callum told him.

"…I'll remember you said that," Ezran whispered, narrowing his eyes at him dangerously. Callum gulped. "Race you there!"

"You're so weird- hey no fair!" He sprinted down the hallway after him.

-Meanwhile-

Lord Viren shoved Soren and Claudia into his chambers, furtively glancing up and down the hallway before following them inside and slamming the door.

"Whoa! What's going on, Dad?" Soren asked, confused.

"Are we in trouble?" Claudia paused. "Is this about the clogged toilets-"

"I have terrible news- wait what did you do to the toilets?" Viren gave his daughter a sharp look. She broke into a sweat.

"…Nothing they weren't designed for."

"Listen, you two. We have…" Viren searched for the right word, "…uninvited guests-"

"When will these Girl Scouts LEARN?" Soren cried heatedly, drawing his blade.

"Let me get some cookies, first!" Claudia protested.

"Moonshadow Elves are coming to kill the King!" Viren burst out in exasperation. His children froze in shock.

"…So no cookies, then?" Claudia asked after a moment, voice thick with disappointment. Her father just looked at her. "I mean, oh no, the King!"

"What are we going to do?" Soren slowly re-sheathed his blade, frowning.

"They've set up a secret camp somewhere in the forest," Viren went on, facing his son. "I want you to find it."

"I gotchu, fam." Soren smirked confidently. "I'm a Hide and Seek champion! Me and the guards play it all the time!"

"Don't call me 'fam'." Viren turned and picked up an elegantly engraved wooden box, handing it to his son. "Use the giant moon moth in this box to find the Moonshadow Elves. They draw power from the moon. The moth will lead you right to them."

"…Well where's the fun in that-"

"SOREN."

"Sorry." Soren paused, thinking. "So…what happens if I can't find them?"

"I'll ban you from working out," Viren said bluntly. Soren screamed.

"My abs!"

"Enough! Just get out there and find them before sundown!" Viren began shoving his son towards the exit. "And use discretion. We don't want to cause a panic."

"Don't worry, Dad!" Soren winked as he opened the door. "Discretion is my middle name! Oh hey Cal sorry about your Dad-"

"What about my Dad?" Callum asked, standing awkwardly in the hallway.

"Dammit, Soren!"

"Once the moon rises, the Moonshadow Elves will be unstoppable," Claudia mused to herself as Viren shooed the boys away and slammed the door shut. "You can count on me, Dad! I'll find a way to stop them from killing the King-"

"Excuse me what about Moonshadow Elves killing the King?" Callum asked, poking his head into the room.

"Dammit, Claudia!"

-Later-

Soren and his search team of a half dozen armored guards bustled about a courtyard, busily readying their horses for departure. They were sure to pack only the essentials, like weapons, toilet paper, and snacks.

"Wait!" a voice called from behind the group. Soren turned to find Callum standing there, dressed in an oversized suit of rusty armor. "I'm coming with you guys."

"…Did you get your father to sign your permission slip for the field trip?" Soren asked after a moment.

"You don't have to be a dick about it-"

"Oh no I'm perfectly serious, everyone has to have one." Soren pointed at the other men, who all waved their slips in the air. "Also, that's ceremonial armor, it's a hundred years old and probably full of spiders."

"What're you-" Callum cut off in a scream as spiders began crawling out the armpits.

"Told you."

"I don't care! I'm coming with you guys!"

"No way, Callum." Soren pulled out an apple and took a bite. "You're just a kid."

"I'm not a kid, I'll be fifteen soon!" Callum glanced at the horse beside him, sizing it up. "…Okay I'm gonna need someone to give me a boost and then maybe hold my hand until I'm on good-"

Soren choked mid-swallow.

"Anyway," Callum grunted out, finally clambering onto the horse, "Harrow is my King and father. It's my sworn duty to protect him." He sat up tall and proud for several seconds, then slowly slid off sideways and hit the ground with a loud CLANK.

"And there's the starting bell!" Soren cried, tossing his apple aside and swinging up onto his mount. The guards followed suit, and together they galloped out of the gate and into the woods.

"...Is this mud or horse poop I landed in?" Callum asked after a beat.

"Do you really want to know?" a stablehand asked.

"...Yeah on second thought-"

"It's poop."

"WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME-"

-With the Elves-

Deep in the forest, the Moonshadow Elves stood in a football huddle, heads together as Runaan gave them a pre-game pep-talk.

"Alright, team, the Humans got us good in the first half, I won't lie, what with taking out our best player, Thunder, King of Dragons, but we're gonna pull it together and get them in the second half. We've got our replacement…"

"Put me in, coach!" Rayla said excitedly. "I'm ready!"

"…and we're gonna go out there and do our best, everyone's a winner here, no matter what the scoreboard says. Now let's bring it in." The Elves all placed their hands in the middle of the circle. Runaan took out a silken white string and tied it around his arms, then looped it around everyone's wrists. "Xadia on three, one, two, three!"

"XADIA!" They all cried together.

"Now let's get out there and WIN this thing!" Runaan drew a knife and slashed the rope, cutting himself and the others free. The white string tightened into bracelets around the Elves' wrists, glowing with power for an instant. Everyone cheered and ran off.

"Hey, Runaan?" Rayla asked, fidgeting nervously as she inched up besides him. "I was wondering…what if…say…the Humans knew we were coming?"

"Well, then we'd lose, obviously…"

"Okay, that's not so-"

"OUR LIVES." Runaan stared at her. "What do you think this is, some kind of game?" He scoffed.

"…Of course not."

"Hey, you're looking pretty pale there, Rayla. Make sure you hydrate before we go. Here's some Gatorade. Replenish those electrolytes."

-Back at the Castle-

Ezran was happily munching on some tarts as he moved around his bedroom, packing for the trip. He glanced around the floor, searching for something.

"Dang it, I can't find my socks! Where are they?" He snatched up Bait and used the Glow Toad as a makeshift flashlight to peer under furniture. He paused as he found an old stash of tarts under the bureau. "…How long has that been there?" A rat crawled out of the bag. "…He can have it."

The door banged open as Callum barged in, having shed the ceremonial armor. Ezran sat up and wrinkled his nose.

"Why do you smell like poop? Did you forget to wipe-"

"Hurry and get packed, Ez! We have to leave soon." He grabbed his own bag, which was strangely heavy. Frowning, he glanced inside. "Okay WHY is my bag filled with jelly tarts?"

"Because I needed room in mine for the Legos," Ezran explained patiently. Callum sighed.

"That baker is going to go bankrupt- PLEASE tell me you didn't put tarts in ALL of my packs."

"Not that one," Ezran pointed at another bag in the corner.

"Okay, then-"

"I put Bait's litter-box in it."

"DAMMIT, Ezran!" Callum shouted, his voice ringing through the room. He threw the pack down. "Don't you get it?! They're just getting rid of us because someone's coming to kill the King!"

Ezran sat very still for a long moment, staring at Callum with wide eyes. Then he stood up and stomped into his own part of the room, slamming the connecting door shut.

"Ez-" Callum began, then stopped when the door suddenly opened again. Ezran stomped back into the room, picked up Bait, and stomped back out. Callum waited a moment. After a few seconds, the door opened once again and Ezran came back out, grabbed one of the packs with tarts, and dragged it into his room. The door slammed shut again.

"…Are…are you done?" Callum called out uncertainly. "Is that it, or did you forget something else?"

The door opened again. Ezran stomped back over and kicked Callum in the shin, then nodded decisively.

"Now I'm done."

Then he stomped back into his room and slammed the door a final time.

-In the Woods-

The group of mounted guards trotted through the forest, Soren at the front.

"I DO NOT CONDONE CHEATING," he said aloud. "I take my Hide and Seek very seriously, I just want you all to know that." He pulled the wooden box out and opened it, releasing a large golden moth with green wings. "Olly olly oxen-free!" he cried, flinging the moth into the air. It fluttered in place for a moment, then shot forward, intent on something. Soren snapped the reins of his horse and kicked it into high gear, the men following behind.

Close by, the group of Elves were back in camp, preparing for the coming assault. The moon moth suddenly darted into the group and latched onto Rayla's face, her screams muffled but its huge wings. Runaan's eyes went wide and he gasped aloud.

"Oh my GOD!" He paused. "…What a beautiful moth! Rayla, hold still! I'll take a picture for your Instagram-"

"Mmmmph!"

"Yes, yes, I'll get your good side, hold still while I- WAITAMINUTE. We've been compromised!" Runaan snatched up a flyswatter, then realized it was already too late. He quickly crushed his medallion and scattered the dust about, chanting a magic word.

The group of guards burst into the clearing moments after, reigning their steeds to a halt. Soren spotted the moth on a nearby tree, but otherwise, the clearing they entered was empty, no Elves in sight.

"Well, guys," Soren sighed, throwing his hands up in defeat, "we've tried ONE thing and it didn't work! Better give up and head home!" He paused. "But first who's up for a real game of Hide and Seek?" The guards cheered as they turned and rode away. The last in line hesitated and looked back at the trees one final time. It was the guard from the night before.

"Why are my nipples hard?" he muttered aloud, turning his horse to follow the others.

The sounds of the men faded off into the forest. Suddenly the trees in the clearing shifted and warped, turning back into Elves.

"I've got a squirrel in my ass!" one Elf complained. Another hawked and spat out a mouthful of pinecones.

"You lied to me!" Runaan snarled, whirling around to glare at Rayla.

"I couldn't kill him!" she cried. "I had my knife to his throat, and then-"

"You just cost us the game!" Runaan growled at her. "Now we'll have to forfeit-"

"That's not a big-"

"OUR LIVES!" he finished. Everyone glared at her.

Rayla stood there, searching for the words to show the depths of her regret and sorrow for her actions.

"…My bad."

And then the moth smacked her in the face again.

-End Episode 1-