Mining, Fining, and a Whole lot of Pining

The First Part of a Tragedy

A/N: Back with more Swanqueen-this one with more angst than my other ones. This story skips back and forth a lot with time and memories so it might be a bit hard to follow the plot line but it's done this way on purpose so as to more accurately portray Regina's own confusion and frustration with this whole experience.

They had an understanding, the savior and her. An understanding born out of a misunderstanding. It had all started from that one night when Emma came over to Regina in tears and drunk on something akin to sorrow and heartache and cheap, cheap whiskey. Or no, not then. It had all started much earlier on and now that Regina had a moment for retrospect- had a safe place to speak these words out loud, she knew it had not begun on that night, but on a day so very long ago.

"When?" Archie presses and once upon a time Regina might have slit his throat for daring to ask her how she felt, for daring to assume she had feelings, had a weakness. But she is not that same woman from so many decades ago, from worlds ago. She is reformed and what that entitles is a kinder attitude, the amicability of her constituents, and apparently a great deal of pain. She had lost the prickly defenses of the Evil Queen around her heart and she wanted them back. Wanted to stem the aching in her heart that suffused her body, permeated her every thought sleeping or awake. But no matter how hard she tried to call them back it was no use.

"I think it started from the moment she stepped foot on my doorstep all those years ago," Regina slowly commences, eyes glazing over as she flicks back to the past, peels back the layers of memories and emotions and actions there. She rubs her hands up and down her thighs in a nervous manner because even though she's been going to therapy for a while now, even though she's made great progress with herself, she has been afraid to poke at the sleeping bear, to talk about the elephant in the room that is weighing on her chest and suffocating her under tons and tons of repressed feelings on this topic.

And the funny thing, is for all the things Regina has forgotten over the years, her memories of Emma rarely have faded, have barely lost their strength or clarity. That day when Henry brought his birth mother onto the doorstep of her mansion, of her perfect world. That day everything she had pieced together meticulously had shattered one by one in face of a dimpled smile, endless resolution and stubbornness that brought their heated antagonism to a boiling pitch that ended in lots of cross words, angry rejoinders, and almost petty efforts to bring each other down. Regina wanted to push and push, to see how much or how little it would take to chase Emma out. And Emma wanted to infuriate, wanted to rupture the perfect bubble of Storybrooke and she succeeded. She ruined everything for Regina- took Henry, destroyed the curse, turned to shambles Regina's power and stability and hope for her own happy ending. She took Robin from her, took her mother away from her too - right before Emma made it consummate in her own manner- Henry loving her again, the town respecting her and forgiving her for her past crimes, having a makeshift family with the Charmings. All in a way that was distinctly Emma like and that had that special touch of fairytale magic Regina could never achieve for her heart had always been too dark to hold it, to deserve it.

And Regina remembers all of it, right down to the irritating detail of exactly how Emma's hair had been styled that first day of their meeting. Not that she would ever tell Emma this.

"Obviously I didn't know at the time but her being there, her challenging me, would lead to our tumultuous relationship, to our eventual friendship and to our current...predicament." Because there is no other word to label this. It's not an ideal situation for either of them, least the former queen who knows she is in too deep, who knows she cannot crawl her way out of the pit she has dug herself into even though lord knows she's tried. "And I don't want...I don't want this to be the state of things between us. I care too much about Henry, about our family, about losing the friendship between us to let things go on like this. She's my first real friend here."

"And?" Archie prompts and Regina sighs, gathers courage to continue speaking. She hates him for being so astute at the same time she is happy he is because it means he won't let her get away with this bullshit, with running away from her issues. And she doesn't want to run from them, can't run from them because she's not a runner anyways and running away will solve nothing.

"And I'm scared of getting hurt. Of losing her like I've lost everyone else I've loved. But mostly, I'm afraid of her not reciprocating my feelings- and I know," here she laughs bitterly. "I know she won't- she's with Hook after all and they're happy. They're engaged already," and her lips curl up in disgust. "But when she gets tired of this arrangement, when that day comes, I want to be ready for it. I want to be prepared to not have my heart shattered."

"That is what I am here for," Archie says, tone earnest and eyes eager to help. There is no pity in them which Regina appreciates. She won't be pitied. "To help you through whatever it may be."

"Let's hope," because she doesn't know if there will ever be a non painful method to dealing with love.

Mother said Regina often loved too hard. And it's evidenced in the way she cursed a whole realm after Daniel's death, in how she tried to kill Emma for trying to take her son Henry from her. In how she would immolate anyone to protect her new found relations even though she puts on the front of barely tolerating them. For Regina, love indeed was her weakness because she felt it too strongly, cared to the point of it being something that could destroy her, that could cripple her permanently. Daniel's death had almost done that if she hadn't found salvation in murder and control of others.

Mother was never wrong. Hateful, cruel, manipulative, but never wrong when it came to matters that counted. And so Regina worried, worried so much what this love she felt for Emma would lead to when it would slighted.

Currently it had an outlet in the form of recreational activities in the bed. On the counter. In Regina's office. In Emma's apartment. Anywhere the mood struck and the situation was workable. But before that it hadn't been like that. It had been a lot of pining. Gods, so much pining.

A pathetic and sickening amount really. Everyone knew about it. The whole town except for Emma, the one sole object of the pining. Regina couldn't believe the blonde was so obtuse but perhaps it made sense given she was wrapped up in her True Love with Killian. She didn't have eyes for anyone else but him. She was drowning in him and he in her, honeymooning as if on another planet. They didn't have time to notice Regina's piteous simpering love sick gazes and sighing.

She had the town's pity despite hating pity. She had been a damned fear evoking queen. Had destroyed more lives than countable so why this pity? Why feel bad for her? Yet, for all their advice to give up on Emma, to move on, they still tuned into the Oblivious Savior and Enamored Queen show each day, dissecting and eating up their interactions. It was like Regina's feelings were their entertainment and it rubbed her raw. Frustrated her to such a point that Emma would ask but Regina could not explain without destroying things for Emma. Emma whose life was smooth sailing with the disgusting pirate, who she wouldn't dare to drag into her dark hole of despair.

The only person she could tell was Archie who listened and respected her desires and fears and acknowledged who she had once been. "They're laughing at me," she had hissed when it finally became too much, knees curled up to her chest, feeling small and vulnerable. Like the scolded child of years past under her mother's unforgiving tongue and even less forgiving whips of magic. "They take joy in this. I suppose it's fair given how I provided them with working water and electricity and civilization unlike the joke we had in the enchanted forest," she spits sarcastically, voice thick.

"You don't owe them anymore for your past deeds and crimes. Those are yours to burden, to dissolve. And they shouldn't laugh at you- surely they aren't, not as much as you think they are. You're feeling paranoid."

"I know they are," Regina insists and leaves Archie's office that day upset and wary of the eyes on her as she walked down the street. She had tried to avoid Emma to avoid pining over her, yet, it wasn't as easy as the townsfolk thought it would be. Emma grew worried over Regina's continued avoidance of her and in that bullheaded manner of hers had inserted her way back into Regina's life, until the mayor was forced out into the open. Clearly Regina couldn't avoid or ignore Emma. There was no way to.

So she swallowed down her feelings, choking them down, and continued her friendship with the Savior. Spending time with Emma was like slowly driving a knife into her chest and smiling tightly to hold back the blood from spilling out of her mouth. Not that she hated spending time with Emma. No, she loved it. Adored it, because they were stolen moments of Emma away from Killian. It meant that Emma still valued her enough to spend time with her. Regina went about acting as normally as she could. That meant avoiding profound conversation, staving off copious amounts of alcohol consumption when Emma was around, being careful with her touches so that they didn't linger, doing events where they would out of sight of the public so that they couldn't gossip about the Queen and continue to see her pining. Regina didn't do well with showing off her scars, with her weak points, and most certainly not in parading them for the town. The worst of them was Mary, who would look at Regina whenever the queen was with the savior and tip her head in a move imbued with so much meaning that Regina couldn't swallow. She wanted to scream in frustration at the woman. How could Regina do anything? Emma had Hook and Regina wouldn't take her happiness away.

Or at least, Regina had thought Hook was Emma's key to happiness. The first few months had been bliss for them while they had been hell for Regina. And then the fights started. They were small. Like about leaving dirty socks, or dishes in the sink. But then they escalated. They were about Emma working too much, about putting herself in too much danger because of her savior role. Hook wanted her home. Wanted her safe so that they could start thinking about starting their own brood. And Emma didn't like that. Didn't enjoy being told what to do.

She showed up on Regina's doorstep more than on one occasion when her and Hook's affections turned sour. She needed a place to crash. To get away from him and his drunken rages. He was back to drinking a lot. He had an on and off affair with the bottle, one he wanted to give up for Emma but would slip back into when he was too stressed or bored.

Regina would offer Emma some wine and a shoulder to cry if need be. She was there for her friend, aching as she watched Emma suffer. She thought, If it was me, I would give up whatever you desired so long as I could be with you. My job, my house, even my pride. Nothing would be too impossible to do as long as you were happy. But Regina isn't with Emma so all she can give up is her hopeless wanting and push aside her selfish needs to be there for Emma as Emma chatters on and on about how horrid Hook is before she goes back to him and forgives him when he gives her his pouty look and his false promises of trying harder, of being better.

This cycle continues and continues and it drives Regina crazy. How can Emma stand to do this. Emma who is brave and stubborn and who never heeled to anyone. Regina bursts one day when Emma shows up once more, bag of her stuff packed under her arm. It's become common for her to have it, ready to flee Hook's intoxicated jealousy and misogyny rather than weather out the storms. "How can you put up with this?" Regina spits out because she hadn't counted on Emma coming this weekend and she's drunk off her ass. She'd seen Killian and Emma happy- adorable with their little kisses and sweetly crooned words and public displays of affection all over town. They had gone on dates and Killian had proposed to her and everything was going swimmingly and Regina had been sick to the pit of her stomach, had engaged with her apple cider hoping to wash the knowledge of their engagement away in a stupor. And she's halfway on her way there, on numbing the piercing pain in her heart, in the way it slowly bleeds and she's drowning on the inside in her own blood. Hot and thick and like a disease weakening her.

Emma's face is downcast and Regina regrets yelling at her but she can't hold back her feelings, not when Emma is right here, stark reminder of why her life is yet again a mess.

"I-I- what do you mean?" Emma frowns and enters the house, Regina slamming the door shut behind her too loudly in lost restraint.

"This," Regina hisses and grabs the hand on which the wretched contraption rests. "You're engaged." She throws Emma's hand from her in disgust. "And yet he still does this to you. Is this really a man you want to be with for the rest of your life? One who chases you out of your own house?"

Emma looks guilty. "He's...we just...it was my fault."

"No," Regina raises a finger, interjects too closely to Emma's face. "You deserve better. You deserve someone who will treat you like the gem you are. Not someone to be tossed out of the house on a whim, like you're trash."

Emma's frown wavers and she looks like she might cry. Regina has struck a nerve Emma tried to hide. Regina didn't mean to. She doesn't want to hurt Emma. Those days have passed. They're friends now.

What a sick word. A word that made her ill, that made her skin crawl. Once she had been happy to be friends with anyone, but not anymore. It doesn't satisfy her, leaves more to be desired, reminds her of how limited she is in actuality when it comes to reaching Emma.

"You're right," Emma admits, chin wobbling and she drops her duffel as she sinks into a hug, holding onto Regina as she cries, silent shakes and tears streaming down and Regina pats her back, whispers in soothing tones to make things better.

"I'm so tired of him being like this," Emma says once she is more calm and she hiccups, wiping at her stained cheeks. "I'm just...I thought he would be my happy ending but it's just so hard to be what he wants me to be."

"You don't have to be anyone but you," Regina insists, cupping Emma's chin and meaning every syllable. "You're perfect the way you are."

Emma gives a wry smile, unable to take the compliment, to believe the truth. "Yea, I don't know about that." She shakes her head, self deprecating chuckle on her lips. "I'm a terrible mother, a terrible savior, and absolutely terrible at keeping up a steady relationship."

"You aren't-"

"You told me as much. Remember?" Emma arches a brow and Regina does remember regretfully. All things she had said during their days of hatred.

"So you choose to still believe in them when I said them out of anger and spite?" Regina says softly. She wants nothing more than to strip Emma of this melancholy, would even capture the moon if that was what was required of her. "I only said those things to get under your skin and maybe at first you weren't...a good mother, weren't exactly an example of a functioning adult, but now, you've changed so much. Have gotten better."

Emma smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes and Regina flounders, wonders what else she can do to cheer Emma up. Inhibitions gone because of the drinks in her, she stumbles over to Emma and envelopes her into another hug, indulging in warm skin, in the smell of vanilla floating from her and in the pounding of the savior's heart as Regina rests her head on the blonde's chest. Her arms link behind the small of her back and Emma returns the hug in equal measure.

They stay like that for a while; Regina could stay like this forever. But Emma pulls free and asks, "do you have anything strong to drink?" And that's how Regina's incumbent world collapses.

Drunk, the both of them, they murmur to each other things they wouldn't normally say.

"You know, even back when we fought, I admired you," Emma admits openly, swirling the liquid in her glass. A nearly empty decanter of cider rests on the table next to them. Regina's slowed down in her drinking because Emma's here and to drink any more would be to condemn herself by revealing too much. Emma plays catch up and now she's as drunk as Regina if not more not that she cares. Emma clearly is ready to let loose tonight, to try and erase Hook from her mind.

"You did?" Regina is shocked and her eyes grow wide. She's resting her head on her arm which is tucked against the sofa's back. She turns in more, turns in to listen to Emma speak.

"I did," Emma chuckles. "You just had everything I never did. A good steady job, a nice house, a family. You had it together and I didn't and it pissed me off. Pissed me off because you knew and you rubbed it into my face. And I wanted to prove you wrong. Wanted to show you I could be better."

While they are both aware of their not so nice beginnings, Emma's never revealed this- the true reason she stayed. "I'd like to say I stayed for Henry...but I didn't." Emma empties the rest of the her drink and turns in to face Regina, voice soft like sheep fleece and eyes even softer. Regina just wants to melt onto her, wants to feel that softness in other places, soothing her aching soul and body. "I stayed for you."

Those words strike a chord with Regina and she begins to hope, something entirely too dangerous in her position. Perhaps...Emma does feel something for her. Something that she isn't entirely sure of.

"And I'm glad I stayed. I'm glad I did because now I have a family, and a home, and people who are special to me." Here Emma reaches over and squeezes Regina on the knee and the touch does her in, is the cannonball against the shoddy wall that makes her break.

Coupled with all those sentiments, magical words that Regina has longed to hear for so long from the savior's mouth, they move her like a marionette on a string and she's helpless to stop herself. The kiss is one sided, of course. Because of fucking course it would be.

But she's pleasantly surprised when she finds that Emma's lips begin to move under hers, when her hands grab onto Regina's shoulders and don't push her back but draw her closer.

This is heaven.

This is hell.

Regina has wanted to taste the savior's lips for eternity and she takes the chance to do so now, mapping out a life's worth of desire for Emma into this one kiss. It's needy, overwhelmingly so and she doesn't care, can't care when Emma is kissing her back in the perfect manner. Their mouths slant, working together, tongues dancing and teeth biting down on lips. But she knows as soon as this kiss is over she will have to face facts and she is scared of Emma's reaction.

They pull away when air becomes a rare commodity and Regina is afraid to look into Emma's eyes. Neither of them moves or says anything for a long time, just their interspersed pants filling the space between them as they finally regain their bearings.

"I-...I know this...this doesn't have to mean anything," Emma says at last and Regina curls her hands onto her knees and grips them hard because those words drive the knife in her heart deeper. She wants it to mean something. Wants it to mean waking up to Emma in the morning, kissing her goodnight at night, snuggling up on the couch together as they watch movies.

She tries to keep her face from breaking. She's made a mistake. She needs to rectify it. Gathering the words that weigh like stones, she speaks. "I wanted to cheer you up. You looked sad. Looked like you could forget about Hook for a while." She still can't look at Emma and she focuses on a spot behind the blonde's head. "I'll understand if you are shocked and disgusted-"

Emma grabs her hand as Regina gets up to go to bed, done with this night, with this world, and mostly with herself. How could she let her control slip like that? She's sober now, painfully so and she wishes she weren't because than she could numb the way her lips tingled and her insides danced in highs and lows like limbo. "I'm not- I mean, thank you."

Regina freezes at that, finally looks at Emma, confused. Certainly having misheard. Emma's face is unreadable but her hand is warm and it only tugs Regina closer to her, forcing her to sit. "I think...I think I know what we can do." Her thumb grazes Regina's cheek. "You're right about Killian. He's-lately...he takes me for granted. He demands far too much. But, I think I can get him to realize something if only you're by my side."

Fear alights in Regina's chest. What is Emma getting at? Her heart pounds faster.

Emma's eyes are contemplative, hard. "Go out with me Regina. Help me make him realize that he's being an asshole. I understand what I'm asking is stupid- and god, what even am I saying!?" Emma shakes her head, gets up, paces a few feet away. Regina sits where she is, shocked into silence, into immobility. She feels heavy with Emma's proposal. "I'm drunk. I shouldn't be-"

And it's because Regina's so stupidly, moronically, absolutely dreadfully in love with Emma, that she gets up. "Yes," she says, voice shaking.

Emma pauses, not expecting this from Regina. They never expect her to agree, only to anger. "What?"

"I'll do it. I'll help you make Hook jealous."

Regina effectively seals her own doom with that and the slabs of concrete pour over her, crush her while the ground opens up underneath her. She's buried any hopes for keeping her heart in one piece.

But she thinks perhaps she can live with it when Emma gives her a grateful smile that has Regina nearly swooning with it's intensity.

That night Emma takes off her devil's contract with Hook only to enter into another one with Regina.

"It started out of a good place," Archie says and his words pull Regina to the present. "You made it seem like you tricked Emma, like you did this all out of vile intentions."

"Oh, but I did," Regina spits viciously. "I wanted to revenge myself against Hook in anyway I could and if Emma was giving me the go ahead than who was I to say no? I desired to crush his heart the same way he crushed mine."

"And how did that change your relationship with them? With Emma, with Hook, and with Henry?"

"Things...things have been fine for now. Always teetering on the edge of destruction, but fine for now."

Archie arched a skeptical brow. "If you can call Hook attempting to hurt you fine, than what must constitute for awful in your books?"

Regina gives him a dark look. "I was Evil Queen, dear. And as such I did much and encountered much pain to get there. His attempt on me was pitiful."

"Yet you didn't tell Emma about it. Why not?"

Regina squirms in her seat before she reminds herself she's not some juvenile to be doing this. "I..."

"You didn't tell her because you didn't want to ruin her illusion of Hook, who you still think is Emma's happy ending," Archie cut in, losing patience for waiting on her. "But Regina, don't you see? You can be Emma's happy ending too."

She shakes her head vehemently at this. "I can't-"

"You can. All you have to do is try."

And those words fill her with more dread than promise because she has been trying for the past four years and it hasn't gotten her anywhere.

"Nice try," she sneers grotesquely to protect herself. "But I believe I came to you to steel my heart and not put it anymore on the line like it already is. I don't want to try anymore. I just want to give up."

"Oh Regina," Archie sighs quietly and this time she finally sees pity in his eyes because they both know this love is an addiction and she's the worst kind of addict.