Stay with Me

Happiness

Casey was sitting in his oncologist's office, the September sun lit the shy, casting brightness through the window. He'd had his blood taken, and the doctor had already completed the physical; checking Casey's weight, blood pressure, heart rate… Now they were talking, or at least his doctor was talking, Casey hadn't said much at all during the whole appointment.

"It's almost been six months; I've been back at work for half that. I thought I'd be… happier, now I'm back at work," Casey admitted after a short while.

"You were so focused on getting back to work, you putting all your energy into it, you also lost your mom. Now you've been back awhile, you have more time to think," the man responded.

"You think I'm depressed?" Casey retorted incredulously.

"It wouldn't be unusual," he continued. "Have you been feeling low?"

"Low?" Casey repeated.

"Down, sad for no particular reason?" the doctor reiterated.

"I'm not depressed, I'm just…"

"Feeling down?"

Casey opened his mouth to respond but stopped himself. It wasn't until a moment later he spoke again. "I've always felt like this, not every day, not all the time, but this isn't actually new."

"Is it every day now?"

His eyes flashed down, away from the doctor peering at him. "Yes."

Severide heard the keys in the front door before it opened, he'd not expected Casey back until the end of the day. He'd stayed at home with Margot, Casey hadn't wanted to take her out today like he usually would, because it meant she would have been stuck in his truck during his hospital appointment. She met him first before he walked into the kitchen.

"Hey," Casey greeted.

"Hey..." Severide responded. He would tell Casey that he looked exhausted but he didn't want to cause an argument.

"Have you had lunch?" Casey asked him.

"Yeah, sorry, wasn't sure when you'd be back. Thought you were working after your appointment?" he responded.

"It's fine should have let you know... erm, I've called it a day earlier than planned," Casey said.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah..." Casey repeated as he sat down opposite Severide. "Think I need to get some rest."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah... I'm struggling a bit," he admitted, speaking quietly.

Severide smiled softly across the small table at him. "Am I doing something wrong? Am I… am I causing you to struggle?"

"No. No, the exact opposite," he reassured Severide.

"Really?"

"Really. These last few months… I dunno… I'm just glad you're here, even if I don't show it…" Casey responded, a loving expression on his face. "I've never done this before. I've never lived with anyone before, or been in a relationship that's lasted this long, I usually ruin it, I want too much, I want more than just sex, I want…"

"Love," Severide finished.

"Yeah."

"Me too. And I've never done this before either, and never with a guy," Severide responded with a small shrug.

Casey let out a short chuckle.

"It's new to both of us," Severide continued. "Are you… are you sure you're not struggling with me? If I'm doing something that you don't like, if I'm too messy, too loud, too anything…"

"It's not you, it's not you at all," he insisted.

"Do you think you can tell me?" Severide asked him after a moment.

Casey nodded, but he didn't respond until a short while later. "I… I have these… these thoughts, erm… these thoughts that I'm struggling with… that I… erm, I… I didn't deserve to live, to be here right now, with you… erm so… I'm struggling with that, and erm…" He swallowed. "Well, nothing's really helping."

"That's why you've been so busy?"

"I think so, didn't want time to think, and… I just wanted everything to be normal, but things aren't normal, they won't ever go back to the way they were before I was sick, but that's actually ok because… I have you now, we have this, we have us, together, and I'm not alone, and I can talk to you, like this, and… well, maybe I'm not doing a great job at talking or explaining myself but… I just need to figure out things, I need to see things differently… not differently, that's the wrong word but… I need to stop wanting whatever 'normal' is, I just want to be happy with what I have, because I am happy with what I have. I'm alive, I'm healthy and I have you. I tell myself that every day, so, well, thank you."

Severide stayed silent, looking at Casey with soft eyes. Casey's expression was one of apprehension, he'd spoken to Severide, told him the truth, and was almost waiting to be told he was weak, he was a bad person, that his thoughts were correct; he hadn't deserved to survive. But, Severide had stood up and moved over to him, he brought Casey into a hug. Once his arms were around his body, Casey relaxed, letting out a breath, allowing silent tears to fall onto Severide.

Casey was emotionally exhausted. He allowed Severide to help him up the stairs and into their bed, they lay together for the rest of the day. Casey fell in and out of sleep until the early hours of the morning, happy with Severide by his side, holding him close and running a hand through his soft blond hair.

"I love you," Severide whispered.

During their next shift, Severide placed a fresh mug of coffee in front of Casey, he was sitting at the head of the table in the common room, flipping through a newspaper and nibbling on some toast, he felt lighter having spoken to Severide the other day.

"Don't I get one?" Herrmann piped up teasingly, looking at Severide.

Casey just chuckled as Severide raised his brows at Herrmann, before he left the room with his own coffee.

"Favouritism," Otis commented under his breath.

Without looking at his crew, Casey responded. "Herrmann's mug is full of coffee. Don't think he needs two."

They all settled back down, Herrmann was moaning about something, Cruz was having an in-depth discussion with Otis, but Casey wasn't paying any attention to them all. He didn't look up until someone caught his eye, he saw the Chaplain walking along the corridor. He folded the newspaper he was reading and headed out of the common room.

"Chaplain," Casey began.

The man turned and smiled broadly. "Matt Casey," he greeted.

"Good morning," Casey returned the smile.

"You're looking well," he responded.

"Thank you. What are you doing in our neck of the woods?"

"Catching up with your chief," Chaplain Orlovsky answered.

"I never said thank you… for everything," he spoke sincerely.

"You didn't need to."

"Well, thanks anyway," Casey continued.

"Can I ask how you're doing?"

Casey smiled, cheeks flushing. "You can, and I'm… I'm getting there, slowly."

"I'm glad to hear it." He smiled back at Casey.

"Well, don't let me keep you," Casey commented, calling an end to their conversation.

"It's nice to see you back here," the Chaplain responded before turning and continuing on his way.

Casey turned but remained where he was standing. He gazed into the common room and smiled at his crew before deciding to find Severide. He felt as though he'd almost been trying to avoid him at work since he'd been back, wanting to keep things professional, but that didn't mean he couldn't chat to him as often as he did before Andy had died, and Severide made him happy, being in close proximity to him made him feel safe. He wasn't going to put any boundaries between himself and Severide at work from now on.

Severide was pouring dry food into Margot's bowl when Casey walked into the kitchen, still only wearing his pyjama pants and nothing else. Severide stood up straight and gave him a kiss.

"Hope you were supposed to sleep in this morning?" Severide said as Casey moved back. He'd left Casey sleeping soundly when he'd got up earlier on, he'd looked peaceful and relaxed.

Casey nodded. "Yeah, I'm having a day to, well, not do anything."

"That sounds good." He smiled.

"We could pop out and get something nice for dinner?" Casey suggested.

Severide had planned to do a little work at the boat yard, but he knew he'd be able to get it done in the next few days, so he scrapped his original plans. "We could go out for dinner, maybe catch a movie? If we take Margot for a long walk this afternoon, she won't even notice we're gone."

Casey nodded, but had been reminded of a thought he'd had. "Do you still go up to your dads cabin?"

"Not very often, but… let's plan a weekend there?"

"Yeah, it'll be good to get out of the city, and Margot will absolutely love it… and I'll love it, I'll love being with just you, just us… you make me happy."

"You make me happy too," Severide told him.

"Sorry, I've been kinda distant and well, just a shitty boyfriend…"

"You've been going through a lot," Severide responded.

"Yeah, but it's ok because I've come out the other side with you."

"I love you, Matt."

"I love you too."

The End