August 12, 2014

"Spencer, I'm not sure if I can do this."

Spencer looked into Emily's eyes. There were tears streaming down her cheeks. Spencer could count the number of times he had seen her cry on one hand.

"Em, if there is one thing I am sure of; it is that you of all people can do this. You are so strong, Em. So strong. You're almost there. Just keep going a little bit longer."

Emily just looked at him. Willing herself to believe his words as she blinked away the tears that continued to form. She felt like her body was being split in half and that flames were what was tearing her apart.

"Alright Emily, I can see a good amount of head. You're doing great. Just a few more strong pushes and your baby will be here. Can you do that for me, Emily?

Emily wasn't sure she could. She'd been in labor for what seemed like forever and she didn't feel like she had any energy left. No epidural had seemed like a great idea at the time; going all natural like her ancestors before her. But now she wasn't so sure she could handle the pain of another contraction. And the only thing worse than the contractions was the constant burning she felt from where her baby's head was stretching her further than any woman should be stretched without anesthesia.

"Oh my god I think one's coming! I think one's coming!" Emily said in increasing fear.

"Okay Emily, you've got this. Big deep breath and push."

Emily pushed with everything she had left in her. Spencer counted for her and when he reached 10 she took another deep breath and went right back it. The burning reached a whole new level of unreal but then suddenly she had a slight feeling of relief.

"Emily, I need you to listen to me, okay? The head is out but we still need to get the rest of the baby out. I want you to give me the strongest push you've got and your baby will be in your arms, I promise."

Emily glanced up at Spencer's face. It was full of disbelief and wonder. She was so unbelievably tired but in that moment she found her motivation. Spencer was looking at their baby and she wanted to be too. She took another deep breath and groaned while giving the biggest push of her life. The next thing she remembers is her midwife saying "baby's out!" and her beautiful blue little baby being laid on her deflated stomach while the nurse and midwife scrambled to dry the baby off.

"Oh my god, it's a girl!" Spencer told Emily.

"She's not crying!" Emily said anxiously as they continued to dry her off. She watched as the nurse stuck a blue bulb syringe into her daughters mouth and frantically pulled out clear fluid. "Is she okay?!"

"Don't worry," her nurse said giving her a little smile. "She's just a little stunned. She's pinking up nicely."

And with that, their daughter let out her first cry. It was a little coarse but it was there. A big, strong, lung clearing cry.

"She's here! She's finally here!" Emily exclaimed as she looked up at Spencer. Now he was the one with tears in his eyes.

"She's here. And she's absolutely beautiful." He replied as he leaned down and gave the new mother a kiss.

"Do you want to set her free, Dad?" Spencer looked up confused.

The midwife held out a pair of scissors to him and looked expectantly at him.

"She's 2 minutes old and her cord has stopped pulsing. You can cut it if you want?"

"Oh yes, of course!" Spencer took the scissors and cautiously cut between the two yellow clamps on his daughter's umbilical cord. Severing her from the very thing that had been giving her life for the the last 41 weeks. It was up to him and Emily now, they were responsible for her life from here on in.

With her cord cut the nurse swiftly unbuttoned the top of Emily's gown and placed the baby right on her chest and covered her with warm towels. Emily was in complete awe. The baby had stopped crying and seemed content skin to skin with her mother. She slowly opened her beautiful blue eyes and blinked up at her mother. Emily knew the new baby's vision was extremely limited, but Emily could tell the sweet girl knew she was looking at her mother.

The next two hours were a blur. Nurses pressing on her belly, watching her bleeding, taking the baby's vitals, taking her vitals, and getting her daughter latched for the very first time. After an hour of skin to skin time she reluctantly let the nurse take her so they could assess her. She watched as her sweet girl get her very first shot. She tried to wrap her mind around the fact that she was a mother. That Spencer was a father. That she and Spencer had made a daughter together. It was everything she had ever wanted but more than she had ever dared to hope for.

"Well, do you want to know how much she weighs?" Spencer asked knowingly from where he stood next to their baby lying on the scale.

"Yes!" Emily replied impatiently.

"8lbs 1.1 oz's!"

"Way to go, Mama!" the nurse said to her. "And all without pain meds, you're my new hero!"

Emily laughed. "I'm not quite sure I'll ever do it again!"

"Well do you want her back or should we give dad a turn?"

Emily looked at Spencer. She was dying to have their baby back in her arms but she knew Spencer was eager to hold her for the first time. He had been so sweet while Emily had held her for the first hour of her life patiently waiting for his turn.

"I guess we'll let dad have a turn." Emily sighed jokingly.

"Alright, dad. Do you want me to wrap her up for you or are you going to take your turn doing skin to skin with this sweet little lady?

"Uhh…" Spencer looked scared. On one hand he had read all about the benefits of skin to skin with a newborn. The temperature and blood sugar regulation, the bonding, and yet he wasn't exactly comfortable taking off his shirt in front of women that weren't Emily.

"Come on babe, trust me. You'll love it." Emily reassured him.

Oh for heaven's sake his wife has had to lay here all day while different nurses and midwives looked at or put their fingers in her most private parts and he was worried about taking off his damn shirt?

"Yeah, of course I'll do skin to skin with her" he said as he removed his Caltech t-shirt. One of the only t-shirts he owned.

He moved a chair next to Emily in the bed and sat down. The nurse placed his daughter right on his chest and promptly covered them both with blankets. She quickly settled in, clearly exhausted after all the excitement of being measured, assessed, and given the newborn meds. Spencer ran his finger across the unbelievably soft skin of her cheek.

"She is so absolutely perfect, Em" he glanced up at her and she was looking at them adoringly.

"So." the nurse said. "Now that we know she's a girl, have we decided on her name?"

Emily and Spencer looked at each other and smiled.