TW; SUICIDE, GRIEF, ALCOHOL

DISCLAIMER: Inexperienced in writing grief :]

When Radar was interviewed for the internship, he was asked if he was okay dealing with somebody who had severe mental illness everyday.

He said yes.

Lukas's frown was, at the time, indecipherable, but it was never brought up.

He was then asked if he knew how to deal with a mentally ill person, and Radar didn't know how to answer.

To say yes would mean to lie, and honesty was one of the traits Jesse said they needed in a co-worker, so he said that he wasn't sure, but he would try everything he can, to the best of his ability, to help whoever it was.

And what a joke that was.

What a joke it was, he thinks, when he sees the blond writer a drunk mess in the kitchen. He realized now that Lukas had looked on him with pity during that interview. Awful, knowing pity, because he'd gone through the same thing too at the boy's age, and what did it get him?

What a joke it was, he thinks, when he thinks of the only other time Jesse had hugged him. It was about when he found Jesse asleep in the Treasure Hall, curled up on the floor and holding on to the original copy of Lukas's first book, the one about the Portal Hall. He listened to them rant and ramble and offered them comfort, which they thanked with a smile. The hug, a year after that, was Jesse's thanks.

What a joke it was, he thinks, when he reflects on the fact that that 'thanks' was two weeks ago, and that the reason why Jesse was smiling a little more, why they'd been helping around town more, why they came back after saying they'd visit the Blaze Rods, and why their antidepressants were left untaken in the kitchen.

'What a joke it was,' Radar mumbles, as he tried to forget the image of Jesse's limp body hanging from the ceiling.

Jesse was a very transparent person, but they weren't loud. They were the type of person who would say 'no' in a heartbeat if asked if they were okay, but would take days before reaching out to his friends for help. His passive-aggression is always obvious and most of Beacontown's residents know when he doesn't want to be talked to when he says so or when he takes blind routes around town. She doesn't hide anything, but she doesn't say anything either.

She never makes the first move.

Dependency is the word that comes to the back of Radar's mind, but he kicks it away.

These things are hard to deal with, he knows that. He knew that as he grew up, he knew that when he was being interviewed for the internship, and he knew that now.

He just hated that he was feeling so angry.

"It's okay to be angry," Jesse had said once. It was on one of many post-it notes that Jesse put on a positivity board in the temple, "You have every right to be."

But people always said you shouldn't speak ill of the dead, and that's why Radar's keeping his mouth shut.

Why he's keeping his mouth shut about his anger.

About Lukas.

About himself.

Jesse had always been transparent, and the weeks before his death were no different.

Every smile of his was tired. The bags under his eyes and the self deprecating jokes he made as he worked with the residents were obvious. The trip through the Portal Hallway was planned and highly anticipated by the young man, but he bailed, and his door was locked and pills were left on the kitchen counter and Radar should have known.

He should've caught the signs. They were all there, plain as day, and it was one of his duties as Jesse's intern to help them as an authority figure, so he wasn't just supposed to keep up with his schedules- he was supposed to watch for his goddamned health.

There would't be a leader of Beacontown to be an intern for and look up to and learn from lead and keep safe if they couldn't do that for themself.

He should have known- no, should have remembered. He should have been smarter. He should have been better than that.

But you know what?

Radar crumpled the paper in his hands - did he tear that from the clipboard? - and threw the inky-scrawled ball with such force his own shoulder hurt.

So should have Jesse.

Jesse should have known that this would hurt his friends. Jesse should have known that he'd be leaving a whole town behind. Jesse should have known that behind Radar's enthusiasm, he was also nervous about leading a whole town.

He should have known that leaving would always hurt.

So why did he go?

Don't be mad Don't be mad Don't be mad This isn't anybody's fault

Why was he even asking?

Because Lukas is drowning his grief in bottles. Because Petra is now refusing to come back. Because Ivor is reliving the worst parts of his life. Because Olivia refuses to leave her lab. Because Nohr caught Axel with a cyanide bottle just before he locked himself in a booby-trapped tower.

Because everything is now a mess.

What the hell was Jesse thinking?

The crumpled paper landed weakly in the middle of the Treasure Hall.

Radar's breathing was almost labored. He was trembling on the steps and blinking rapidly and tears were prickling at the edges of his eyes.

In his peripheral, he could see the small shrine dedicated to Reuben.

He finally broke.