A/N: A look into how Donnie deals with emotions or "softness." Rise of the TMNT verse. There will likely be about 7 chapters to this thing, but we'll see how it goes. I hope you enjoy and I'd love to know what you think!

There's something to be said about the way he rids himself of any type of emotional conversation.

In times, this ability is convenient. He's the funny one for crying out loud, whether or not his brothers agree. He tries to be funny, because in the midst of this crazy world he's spent so much of his life hiding from, that's what he has. His ability to turn any type of emotional conversation into that of a emotionless joke. It makes Mikey laugh more often than not, and normally Leo and Raph grin along. There's playful teasing after the banter from the four of them, and they go back and forth almost like that deep conversation about feelings was never a thing.

Donnie knows this isn't right, this isn't how he should handle this type of stuff. His brothers tell him they love him and although he says it back, there's no emotion in that tone. And then, he cracks a joke about how they obviously want something from him because of course that's what it is.

Raph is a softie. Mikey and him have always worn their hearts on their sleeves, ever since they were small. Leo thinks of himself as the coolest, but he, too, has no problem with those hard conversations that leave Donnie so wrecked with feelings of vulnerability.

Leonardo will be the first to whine, to laugh, doesn't matter because emotions have never been a problem for him. Or for any of Donnie's brothers. They are not reserved in how they present themselves; they don't shy away from talking about the deep stuff. Only he has to deal with either the constant pit in his stomach that swells like it's sucking in his vital organs or the dead inside, no feelings whatsoever mode that comes so naturally when anyone wants to discuss something less lighthearted than ninja training or pizza toppings.

Donnie is not soft. Donnie is hard. And this is a even more difficult pill to swallow, knowing that he's a soft-shell. Oh, the irony of it all would be simply brilliant if it weren't such a hard thing to comprehend.

He builds incredible, high tech devices that if he were human, he'd be winning only the most prestigious prizes for. Donnie pictures that scenario over and over in his dreams. Him accepting awards, ultimately granting him the best and most valid bragging rights against all his competitors. His brothers, father, and April cheer him on in the background. It's a nice dream, and it always ends with his family's truckload of compliments and congratulations and general love. Donnie never feels awkward accepting it then, and the issue of how he's not emotionally soft like his brothers never comes up in this dream.

In real life, things are so much different, but Donnie knows he is getting better at least. Group hugs have become such a common ordeal, he's no longer afraid to ask for one. There's times where his brothers and him all act like the young children they once were, building blanket forts and rolling on top of each other gleefully until it results in either a joyful hug or a heart-to-heart. Donnie dreads the latter, but he's good with the former because this general display of affection has become so commonplace within their little circle. Somewhere along the way of their lives, group hugs shifted.

Donnie reminds himself of this when he thinks his emotionless passion won't get better. There's proof that it does, that it can, otherwise he'd be running for the hills any time he embraced his kin. There's proof that things are getting better. But that never stops Donnie from weaseling his way out of a deep conversation that involves love and communication and feelings and family. No matter who with.

"Dad, don't forget! We're sleeping over at April's, don't wait up." Leo's voice hollers down the hall. Donnie slips the goggles off his eyes and and exes out of his computer, signing off from the stuff about how to deal with feelings before anybody else can see.

"Don," Raph's tapping on the wall to his lab. "Time to go."

"Coming!" Donnie's up and at 'em within seconds as he jumps out of the chair and speed walks over to where his brothers are so patiently waiting.

Sleeping over at April's is good. Sleeping over at April's is normal. It'll get him out of his head for a little while at least, and really that's probably what he needs at this point. Ever since his little epiphany about how horribly hard he is, he's done nothing but research and think through different situations that prove it, and its been driving him mad ever since.

At some point, their father waves goodbye to them, reminds them to be safe and to bring back any leftovers, if they decide not to devour everything first of course. Mikey laughs at that, and it pulls Donnie away from his thoughts for a mere couple seconds.

"—we can take whatever comes our way. We're the ninja mutant turtle teens, April! We totally got your back."

April snorts, as Raph mutters we didn't decide on that name, but no matter, because shes back with her typical quick response. "Got my back? I got yours, hun."

Leo beams and they fist bump from across the couch. Over Donnie, who's the only one watching the movie Leo had begged to put on. Figures.

Ever since they arrived at April's, ever since they started the movie, they've done nothing but talk and ramble about the growing mutation crisis sweeping New York. Donnie knows its bad, knows it's a serious issue that concerns them all, and he'd be fine with sharing statistics or records of mutant sightings, but no, no, no. When April bought this up, she asked how they were feeling about it. Because she, herself, is kinda worried and figures Raph, Leo, Mikey and Donnie are too.

Donnie hates the irony of it all, hates how the universe is so cruel to him. Any time he figures something out about himself, something has to happen. He realizes he's not soft, but it's funny 'cause he's a soft-shell. He realizes this hardness stems from his inability to properly discuss feelings, he goes to his best friend's house and everybody but him wants to talk about feelings.

Donnie got up when this started to go get a glass of ice water. It's something to do and a good distraction for when he's sitting back down and they want to talk to him. He's glad he came up with that. He's glad he doesn't feel as weird as he once did.

Donnie sips at his water when Raph goes on some type of spiel about how all the mutant clubs and bars have never felt more crowded, and it was cool at first because hey, more people like us, which Donnie has to agree with, but now it's just really screwed up and freaking him out.

Mikey nods along, mumbling his agreement. And then there's silence for a couple seconds. Sweet, relieving silence that makes Donnie feel like, all a sudden, it's okay. But then, of course, April's gotta speak up because there's no possible way he could just have a normal sleepover with his brothers and best friend, right?

Normal was thrown out the window a long time ago with this group, he figures, but regardless he wishes tonight they could just do their regular sleepover activities. Watch movies, eat popcorn, laugh, go on adventures, mess around with April's makeup..

"I don't know guys, it's just weirding me out. Even my parents know about the whole mutant outbreak at this point. They don't know what's causing it. Of course. But—"

"—But it's ruining people's lives." Mikey finishes.

April eyes widen. And Donnie puts down the drink he's awkwardly holding for the first time since this conversation started. He's watching Mikey for any sign of distress, hurt feelings, or pity, but there is none. He seems perfectly content, as though they're discussing video games or his newest favorite show. Nonetheless, April is quick to reassure him.

"Mikey, no. No. I did not mean it like that. I wasn't even going to say that."

Mikey rolls his shoulders, stretches his back out as he leans against the couch cushion. "I know," he pauses. He rubs a finger along the pizza plate, then, he looks back up at April with a big smile. "I've just been thinking.. It isn't a good thing, you guys. Like for us, it was different I think. We were turtles, and now we're... us. But for humans..." Mikey trails off, awkwardly failing to make his point.

Donnie still gets it though. He's thought about it his whole life. Fortunately, Ralph vocalizes the best example.

"But for humans who've got their whole lives going on, it's messed up.." Raph pauses. "like with Meat Sweats!"

"Just like with Meat Sweats!" Mikey points at his brother, eyes gleaming from knowing Raph really, truly listened when he told him all about the celebrity chief. From his youth, to his rise to fame, and then to his mutation, Mikey recapped it all.

Donnie remembers when Mikey sat them down just to talk about it. If he was being honest with himself, he'd admit he barley payed any attention. At the time, Donnie was way too focused on his newest device, but clearly Raph, the oldest of the four brothers, had.

The two high five at their shared thought and Donnie almost wants to roll his eyes. He doesn't. He just goes back to sipping his water and messing around with his phone. Whatever he can do to look busy helps keep the pressure off, but Donnie knows Leo is watching him with that strange what are you thinking about look, so it's hardly easy but wow does Donnie try anyway.

It's strange. How this one moment of realization has made every meaningful encounter so much more complicated. Donnie's known about his inability to discuss emotions for a long time now, but since he's actively researching it and coming to all types of new conclusions and reasonings about just exactly what he thinks is wrong with him, he feels that much weirder doing the actual art of talking. There's a new type of pressure that maybe wasn't there before, and Donnie hates it.

He's not even aware of someone jostling him around, grabbing him by the right shoulder until April all of a sudden is in his face and repeating his name. Donnie blinks a couple of times, and shuts off the phone he was staring at to focus.

"Wait what? You say something, April?" Donnie asks unsurely. Even though he's sure she did at least say something, because otherwise why else would she be tapping him?

"Yeah, Dee," April frowns, and she's standing in front of him now, instead of on the floor beside Mikey. Raph, Leo and Mikey are watching him too, and Donnie hates this exact setup. "I did. You okay?"

"What?" Donnie frowns, shifting a bit in his spot. "Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. Why? Wait, Never mind. I don't need to know."

If it was possible for April to look at him with any more curiosity than she currently possessed, Donnie figures she would just for that comment. It's got Mikey slapping his face with his hand and giggling behind it, while meanwhile Raph is letting out a long winded sigh. Donnie smiles nonetheless.

"Okaaaay.." April trails off, strangely. After a couple seconds of this sheer awkwardness, her eyes seem to brighten like realization has dawned on her. It probably has, if Donnie's being honest. He's not an actor, he's never been good at acting. Aprils always been able to read him like a book.

"You working on something?" She questions excitedly, completely oblivious to his rising peril. "Can I see the blueprints?"

Donnie blinks a couple of times. And then, "there aren't any blueprints!" He shoves his phone completely away from view. "It's just... something."

April's watching him still. His brothers are, too.

"Something," April repeats, now exchanging a weird look with Raph. "Okay. I'm sure whatever the something is, it's gonna be great."

"Thanks, April." Donnie says, and he means it, but god forbid the conversation end there and give him any breathing room because Mikey's pressed up against his side within seconds.

"Well whatever the something is, it can wait," he promises, nudging where Donnie put his phone. "Get off your phone and talk to us. What's your thoughts on the whole mutant breakout situation?"

Donnie stutters. Donnie never stutters.

"I... I think mutant breakout situation is a horrible name for this epidemic," he comments, emotionlessly.

Everybody is back to staring at him. If roles were reversed, Donnie'd be staring too.

Donnie is not soft, like the shell on his back. He is hard, and he deals with things in a harden way. But Mikey doesn't seem to get that right now, judging by the look on his face.

He knows he's gotta learn to communicate better. Practically everyone's told him this, more often than not. So when they're walking home from April's, and Mikey's up ahead with Raph right beside him, and it's just Donnie and Leo trailing behind, he puts a lot more effort into this conversation than he normally would.

"So... you feeling okay?" Leo asks, with a half interested shrug. It's another rouse for Leo to demonstrate what he thinks is coolness, but Donnie knows his brother is actually pretty worried. Understandably, because Donnie admits, he was not the same person he normally is. Probably didn't help that he denied the mutagen situation several times, and left his brothers and friend to think he was officially losing it.

"Donnie, be serious." April tells him, hands on her hips and scowl on her lips.

"I am serious," Donnie retorts. "It's a terrible name for what's barley even a problem."

That gets everybody mouthing back all kinds of shocked denials.

"You don't think there's a serious mutant outbreak?" Mikey asks, eyes wide.

"Did you not see all those guys the other day? Don, there were like fifty mutants! There's normally not even ten!" Raph tries.

"Donnie..." Leo trails off, so strangely.

Yeah. Donnie did not think that one through, which was even more unusual because he's known for thinking everything through. He did, however, spend an hour afterwards recapping his series of embarrassments in his head. All's good now though. He's only humiliated himself several times after that.

"Yeah! Yeah. I'm good. April's was fun." Donnie replies, noticing Leo still waiting for a response. He nods five times for dramatic effect and to get his message across, so they can return to the general point of this conversation.

Leo is still watching him.

It's like a staring match with no end, and Donnie feels like he's sweating just from the pressure of it all. He feels dizzy. He doesn't know why he feels like this suddenly. It's Leo.

"Okay, that's good." The blue masked turtle acknowledges. "You were acting weird."

Leos always been so direct, something Donnie is not.

"Yeah, sorry," Donnie mumbles back. "My head hurt. Got too close to an explosion earlier in the lab. You know how it is."

"Oh! Okay. What were you working on?"

Donnie freezes. "The drill."

"THE DRILL?!" Mikey's shout of victory makes both Leonardo and Donatello flinch and brace for impact. It's a good thing, because within seconds Mikey's sprinting towards them. "You're FINALLY working on the drill?!"

Donnie gives his best well-rehearsed smile. There's been several times where he's been called out on it, but this isn't one of those times. "Yeah, ran into some problems though."

"Well, I'm sure we could help you out with those." Raph offers, walking up in a much calmer fashion than their little brother. Despite the fact that none of Donnie's siblings have the faintest clue about inventing, they all still want to help. And something in Donnie's heart warms at that thought.

"Wait a minute," Leo holds his hand up. "Is that the something you were talking about?"

Donnie frowns, but within two seconds he's covering it up again. "...That's the something."

There's an immediate chorus of oh my gosh THE DRILL amongst so many other things, and it makes Donnie feel strange knowing how easy it is to lie to his family