Warning: . . . angst? Lots and lots of angst?

Disclaimer: "O Disclaimer, Disclaimer! wherefore art thou Disclaimer?"

About: The flipside of Tsuzuki, a dark vignette on Hisoka. (That didn't make much sense, did it?)

Foreword: With apologies to Ysabet, who had suggested a TatxWat Easter ficcy awhile back which I kinda said 'yes' to . . . sorry! My brain short-circuited halfway during 'Watari's hazardous Easter eggs' and 'Konoe in a bunny suit' . . .

Rupture

There are so many times when I wish I could just blame everything on you. Shove my towering pile of worries and doubts onto your shoulders and watch you sink from the weight. What's that gaijin phrase? "Out of sight, out of mind"?

I could push you away. Out of my sight. Out of my mind. Out of my life.

It would be so easy, to just call it all off. Chopping every single one of those damned ties that bind you to me.

Or me to you.

Whatever. Who cares nowadays, anyway? I just want to leave.

I want to push you so far, far away I won't ever have to listen to your goddamned misery and your ill-suppressed insecurity.

So I don't have to bear looking at your grinning, idiotic face even when your hidden rage sears the darkest corner of my soul.

So I don't have to gather you in my arms and draw you in just that much closer even when your grief threatens to overwhelms me.

But I can't.

I don't remember how.

How long has it been since I could deep into your eyes, your soul, and not be drawn in?

How long has it been since I became addicted to your touch, your heat?

How long has it been since I could no longer bear pushing you away when you sink into my being, my soul?

I don't remember.

You rely on me too much, do you know that?

Can't you see that every time you envelop me into your embrace, I'm suffocating?

I can't breathe.

But without you, I can't do that either.

Like a coldwater fish trapped within a tropical environment.

I can't live in the water. I can't live without it.

So tell me, what can I do?

I need you.

But at the same time, I don't want you.

Tell me, what do I do?

Look at me. I call you stupid. Yet, here I am, the one needing your comfort, seeking your strength. What kind of idiot am I, then?

You need me. I wish you didn't. Don't you know how much it hurts?

I look at Tatsumi, and I see the strength I lack. I see that my own fragile arms will never catch you when you fall. I see that my embrace will never be strong enough to support your grief. Never be soothing enough for your rage.

I look at Muraki, and I see my own weakness. I see that a body riddled with curses and reeking of death. I see blood thickened with filth coursing through my body. A physique so tainted I could never be pure enough for you.

Can't you see how hard I'm trying to forget?

You . . .

You remind me of all the things I cannot accomplish. All the things I long for but never will be. All the things I am and wish not to be.

I'm trying so hard. So very, very hard.

But . . .

It's not enough, is it?

By wanting to be with you, I am only serving to endanger us both.

What will happen if I cannot defend you from Muraki again?

What will I do if I can no longer pull you away from your own death wish?

What will I do . . . when you no longer need me?

I need to become stronger. I need to find the strength to push you away before we could be damaged further. The strength to ignore your fraught calls as I walk away.

And perhaps . . .

Perhaps I need to strength to mend us both from breakage. The strength to protect us and encompass your whole.

Will you let me do that, at least?

Will you wait?

L'extrémité

Footnote:

Rupture ~ is actually French for 'breaking', but I guess it works in English, too.

L'extrémité ~ French for "The end".

Okay, so this isn't exactly an Easter fic . . . still, happy Easter, everybody!