Mapleshade awoke in the barn the morning after with a light headache and an even greater pain in her chest. She felt completely and utterly exhausted, yet she knew she couldn't burrow further into her nest and continue trying to drown herself in sleep. It would solve nothing; it didn't even give her the slightest smidge of comfort. It was simply a way of erasing any feeling at all for but what seemed to be a few moments.

Luckily, Mapleshade didn't have to try to lure herself out of her nest with empty promises. Myler came, brightness in his eyes and sincerity in his grin. He seemed even happier that his denmate was already awake. She heaved herself into a lazy sitting position, waiting for him to speak. Since all cats who knew him also knew that he loved to talk about anything and anyone, it didn't take more than a wordless mew of greeting before he began.

"We have someone joining us today," Myler meowed.

"And who's that?" Mapleshade asked, trying to seem interested despite her weariness.

"Come down and see." With that, Myler turned and hopped down onto the barn floor via some hay bales.

Since that was more of a risky move, as the top bale was balanced strangely atop another, Mapleshade went down slowly and steadily using the ladder. She used these calm few moments to contemplate her rapidly fading nightmares. All she could remember was Patchberry being pinned underneath Appledusk, crying out for his life.

On one of the last steps of the ladder, Mapleshade slipped and fell the short distance. The thought of another kit dying… it was unbearable. She would rather not be around for it and never know than be around and have to suffer through it. Myler, who'd been waiting in-between the open barn doors, ran over.

"Are you okay?!" he asked, alarmed.

"I'm fine," Mapleshade replied, flicking her tail. "Landed on my feet. Who's the visitor you're so excited over?"

Myler still appeared to be worried, but he didn't press. "I'll let him introduce himself," he meowed.

Mapleshade followed her denmate outside where a short-furred, black tabby tom sat. He was elegantly long- and lean-bodied, and his tail ended in a tuft. He appeared to be very relaxed, as if he were used to this place and Myler himself. He got to his paws and slowly made his way over to the two barn cats.

"Greetings, Mapleshade," the tom began. He had a deep, warm meow despite his young-looking appearance. "For the short while I've been here, Myler's told me a bit about you. Nothing personal, I assure you," he added when he noticed a panicked look flicker in her gaze.

"Well, it's nice to meet you," Mapleshade meowed politely, not entirely sure her words were honest. There were many things telling her to fight or fly, and others that told her he was harmless. She just didn't know what to think of him.

"Nice to meet you too as well," the tom returned. "I assume Myler didn't introduce me, so I'll do that myself. My name is Crow, but my proper title is Healer Crow. However, you're a friend's friend, so you don't need to be so proper."

Mapleshade nodded, relaxing slightly at the mention that this must be the healer Myler had mentioned so many times. "I'm Mapleshade, as you already know," she told him. "My son is a healer in one of the Clans. Are you familiar with them?"

"The Clans? Of course! Any cat living multiple tree-lengths within their territory's location have heard stories about them. There are many different rehashings, so I suppose none but former and current members really know the truth."

"I'm a former member myself. I could answer questions, if you like?" It wasn't a genuine offer, more-so one made out of politeness. Her mind was still logged down, filled with its usual fusion of emotions, and she didn't feel like speaking much.

"No, that's alright," Crow told her, shaking his head. "I can read cats easily, Mapleshade. I can see that's not what you want. Even the best disguisers can't fool me."

Mapleshade was taken aback by his words. "I-I'm sorry," she stuttered. "I just wanted to-"

"Don't explain," Crow interrupted. "If you don't want to talk, don't talk. This is your current residence; you have no need to interact with me if you don't wish to. Lounge about, hunt, antagonize baby robins. Whatever you do is fine with me, so long as it has no negative repercussions for Myler."

"Are you two close?" Mapleshade asked.

"Very!" Myler cut in, seemingly hoping to lighten the mood. Unlike Mapleshade, he didn't try to hide his true feelings. "We grew up together. My mother nursed him when his died from kitting him, so our friendship was destined from the start."

Crow nodded solemnly. "Myler's family is like my own, and Myler is no further from a brother. This is why I have nothing but kindness to offer you if you're a friend or ally of his, but be aware that I won't forget any harm done to him." His tone turned foreboding.

Mapleshade's fur bristled, but she was quickly able to flatten it again. "I would never hurt a cat without reason."

"Don't worry, Crow," Myler mewed. "Mapleshade's cool. Might be a bit mean sometimes, but she's still friendly."

"I know," Crow snorted. "She has that scent."

Mapleshade lashed her tail. What scent? she thought, slightly annoyed. The two toms continued talking as she sunk back into the uncomfortable yet comfortable state of almost-nothingness. This is what she'd named the act of being physically present, yet far away mentally and emotionally: almost-nothing. Her mind was in ThunderClan territory, recalling meaningless things.

Mapleshade snapped out of the almost-nothingness when Myler nudged her. "What?" she asked, trying not to show her disorientation.

"Ears up in the stars?" Myler mewed. "I get it, don't worry. Crow came from my parents' group to visit for a few days, so he'll be living with us. Just thought you wanted to know."

"Isn't he their only healer?" Mapleshade meowed.

"No. There's this cat, Lizard, and another one, Speckle… I think Crow mentioned during his last visit that they were training one named Misty…?"

"Forget I asked," Mapleshade told him. "So he's gonna make a nest in the barn? And take our mice?"

"Well, of course!" Myler replied. "We have so much to give that there's no reason not to."

"But anything could happen!" she meowed. "There could be a sudden famine, uh… there could be a bad storm that destroys the barn… anything could happen, Myler. The barn and the mice are ours, not his. Let him provide for himself."

Myler took on a gentle, understanding expression. "Mapleshade, I know that life in the Clans was hard. Sudden disasters and wrongdoings seemed to happen whenever you all started to get comfortable. But you have to understand that out here, it's different. Life remains the same, day after day. Nothing ever happens, for the better or the worst. We're okay."

Mapleshade shook her head stubbornly. "Oh, no. Definitely not. No one is ever okay forever, no matter who or where they are. One day, some bad event will hit us. And then what? We're probably helping some random loner or rogue or something, and they drag us down to our deaths. Send Crow away to the forest. It's for the better."

"I can't do that. He's family. Please try to understand my point of view."

"Try to understand mine first. Bet you never thought of that!" The conversation had made her pelt bristle and her teeth bare. Her mind was running feral with countless ideas of how Crow moving in, even temporarily, would bring harm to them.

"I did think of that," Myler corrected her calmly. "And I've been trying to see this from your perspective, but I just can't understand refusing to help someone out of fear that you yourself will get hurt. If you have the resources to make sure someone isn't homeless or hungry, wouldn't you give them what they need?"

Mapleshade lashed her tail. "Do whatever you want," she grumbled, turning away. "I'm tired of fighting."

Fighting had been one of her favorite things to do, but verbal arguments were much more emotionally taxing than a battle could ever be. In most cases, she reminded herself, recalling Petalwhisker for the umpteenth time. She flopped down onto the grass, facing away from where Myler now stood speaking with Crow. She couldn't make out any words, and she didn't care to.

Mapleshade couldn't understand her outburst, even moments after it had occured. She knew now that her emotions were in control then, and she wasn't thinking or acting rationally. Of course Crow should stay; he was a visitor and didn't seem like the battle type. He was a medicine cat, for StarClan's sake! Besides, he was a trusted friend and practically a foster brother to Myler.

Mapleshade had severely, greatly overreacted, and she felt nothing but shame when she accepted this fact.

Why had she been so impulsive, letting her heart and its baseless paranoias rule over her actions? Was this what she often let happen? Looking back on many events, she realized this to be true: whenever a situation caused great emotions for her, she always acted impulsively as a subconscious way to counteract the situation.

It was just like Petalwhisker had done when Larchfang left. That was the most traumatic thing to happen to her up until that point, and she didn't know how to cope. So she took the tom that she'd been spending time with as a mate, and they tried for kits. She clung onto ignorance and hatred as a way to validate her actions and words.

It truly was like mother, like daughter. Mapleshade had once frowned upon her kit for behaving as such, and now here she was, taking after her. If Petalwhisker had followed her and was watching her, Mapleshade knew that she'd be ashamed of what her mother had become. Why couldn't she move past these things and be the best ThunderClan warrior she could? That was what Petalwhisker had done after the death of Russetkit: worked. She didn't mope, or oversleep, or stuff herself painfully full as Mapleshade had once done.

Mapleshade heard someone calling her name, but she felt no urge to get up and respond to them. She felt as if a dog could come up, scoop her in its jaws, and shake her wildly like one of its play-things, but she still wouldn't move. A few moments after the calling came Myler, brushing against her tail. She looked over at him without moving her head.

"Crow will stay with us for a quarter moon," Myler informed her, looking slightly nervous. "Is… that alright?"

Mapleshade's pride got in the way of her intended words, so she meowed, "Sure, whatever. I'm just a visitor too, so it's not like I got any say."

This was what made Myler really concerned, and additionally quite surprised. "You don't consider yourself a barn cat?" he asked. "I always thought you'd leave someday, but… you talking like that makes it feel so much closer. When do you plan to leave?"

Now that was a good question, but also one she didn't have an answer to. "I guess whenever I feel ready," she replied to him with honesty. "Hopefully before leaf-bare. I can't run forever."

Myler nodded slowly. "Don't forget, you're not just a visitor while you're here. You live here. You're my denmate." He hesitated. "At least, I hope you see things the same as I do."

Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. For now, she again had no answer. When Myler's words were met with silence, he got up and padded away without saying another. Mapleshade felt guilty, yet her immense pride refused to let her say anything else to him.

Over the first three days with Crow there, Mapleshade wasn't surprised to see that he wasn't any trouble. He made his nest right next to Myler's, and he hunted for his own prey. He also just generally made sure to steer clear of her, since he knew she wasn't fond of strangers. By the fourth day's morning when she awoke, she'd gotten more or less used to his presence in the barn.

Mapleshade's mind hadn't gotten any clearer or brighter, but she pushed through in order to achieve her basic needs. She refused to seem lazy or unskilled in front of someone who didn't know her as well as Myler did. Wait, did Myler even know her well? Better than anyone else, she admitted to herself. Despite being there for a short time, he already knew more about her than any other cat did.

This fact made her slightly uncomfortable, but it was honestly a burden lifted from her shoulders. She wouldn't have to pretend to be fine or well-minded when it was just them. He would even know the reason, so there would be no explanation necessary. For now, however, she had to take care of herself no matter how weary and worn she felt.

It was truly shameful how only her embarrassment kept herself in charge of her own well-being.

That morning, Mapleshade hunted two mice and ate them slowly. It was halfway through the second that she got full and, remembering her awful binge eating, cringed at the thought of finishing her meal. Luckily, Myler and Crow had awoken and were coming down to hunt. She wordlessly mewed a warning and tossed the other half to Myler, who caught it seamlessly.

"Eat it," she told him. "I'm full."

Myler quickly scarfed it down and licked his lips. "Thanks. Also, uh, I got something to tell you."

Crow went to another part of the barn, seeming to already know that Myler wouldn't be joining him yet. Mapleshade raised a brow, asking, "Yeah, what?"

"Sometimes Crow would get these dreams," Myler explained. "Like of the future and stuff. It would be little glimpses, but he would always be able to sense when they were a vision. Well, when we woke up he said he had one about you last night. He said I should let you know."

Mapleshade recognized the similarities between Crow's dreams and the ones that medicine cats got at the Moonstone. "Well, tell me then," she meowed. "What was it of?"

"You were sleeping in front of a glowing white rock," Myler mewed. "Insane, right? But he's never been wrong. Sometimes they've been signs to tell cats what to do, so you need to find a glowing white rock and sleep by it."

Mapleshade's blood ran cold. "Why would I be there?" she spoke without realizing.

"Where? Is it a familiar-sounding place?"

"It's the Moonstone," Mapleshade replied. "You remember me telling you about it, right?"

Myler nodded. "So you need to go to the Moonstone. Simple, right?"

"But that place is for medicine cats and leaders only," she told him. "I can't just go and speak with StarClan!"

"Since you end up doing that anyway, might as well go now," Myler meowed, completely missing the seriousness of the situation. "Where is it? I'll go with you!"

"It's in Mothermouth, some distance from here," she replied. "And no! Even if I decide to go, I can't bring an outsider. That would be anything but appropriate."

"Okay, I get it," he mewed, shrugging. "Go or don't, doesn't matter to me. Just remember what I said: he's never been wrong before." He gave her a little smile and ran off in the direction Crow went in.

That night, Mapleshade made a decision: she'd go to Mothermouth, but only because she felt as if she really did need guidance. She yearned to see her daughter again, and potentially anyone else who may or may not have been lost while she'd been gone. But afterward, she'd stay far away and never return to that sacred place. She already felt guilt itching her spine just by deciding to go.

She curled up in her nest, deciding to sleep earlier as to wake up earlier. As she began to fall into unconsciousness, she thought about Petalwhisker and finally seeing her again.

After I upload the next chapter, whenever it's ready, I'll be deleting every chapter of the original story. Frankly, I'm not proud of it and want to act as if it never happened. I myself will be saving copies of each chapter to look back on, and I don't care if any reader - for whatever reason - decides to do the same. Although I can't think of why any of you would want to, honestly.

thanks for reading