fate apocrypha mass abridged:

Kairi Sisigo goes to clock tower. "So you want me to fight in the grail war?" "Essentially, yes." "And you want me to have a Saber? You've probably seen fate zero, I'm a lot like Kiritsugu Emiya here, I can't do jack shit with a Saber!"

The clock tower guy says in a really unconvincing way, "...Maybe you'll get lucky?" "Yeah, I don't see that happening." "Well, with this you'll be able to get a saber from the knight of the round table." "Alright. I just hope that this time, it won't be a saberface-"

"-GODDAMNIT!" Mordred comes out. "I'm Mordred, son of Arthur!" "...but you're a girl-" Mordred nearly kills Kairi. "I. AM. A BOY! HAS PROGRESSIVENESS NOT KICKED IN YET?!"

Obviously, Kairi is freaked out. "...alright, alright! But the thing is...wikipedia told me that King Arthur was your uncle." "He was." "You just said that he was your father." "He was."

Kairi is now squicked out. "Ugh, gross...next thing you're going to tell me is that your dad was actually female..." "He was!" "OH GODDAMNIT!"

4 servants of black get summoned. "Now, you are to fight the servants of red!" Vlad yells. Siegfried asks, "Wait...is there any color coding or something?" Gordes uses his command seal. "SHADDUP, SABER!" Saber is forced to comply.

Jeanne is traveling across the countryside, then notices Karna. "...oh, hi! If you have any question about the rules, just ask-" Karna attacks her. Jeanne is obviously not happy. "RULE NUMBER ONE, DON'T ATTACK RULER!"

Then Siegfried attacks Karna. Since the two of them have super-tough defensive noble phantasms...yeah, it's what you'd expect. The battle goes nowhere. Siegfried: "I can't do jack shit to your defensive noble phantasm!" Karna: "Neither can I! What a coincidence!" Siegfried: "We are so OP!" Karna: "This is done just to trick new FGO players into thinking you're awesome!" Siegfried: "I hope there won't be another super-tough noble phantasm in this war!"

Karna remains silent for a while. "...yeah, I'm just going to leave."

Later, Sieg comes out. "f*ck, f*ck f*ck-wait, why am I being censored?" Astfolo picks him up. "...let's see...oh, you're like fucking one hour old! Of course you're getting censored, cuz you're a minor!"

Chiron heals Sieg. "You only have like 3 years to live...just get the fuck out of here quickly, we have masters and servants to deal with. This is no place for such a fragile little fuckmuppet.

"FUCK YEAH!" Spartacus runs through the forest like crazy. Achilles and Atalanta just stare. "...Berserkers were always crazy, but I never thought that they would be this stupid..." Achilles remarks.

Semiramis: "...why is berserker going berserk?" Entire Red faction: "...do we have to explain this to you?" Spartacus then gets captured.

Achilles and Atalanta fight Frank and Siegfried. Achilles fights Siegfried. Neither of them can damage one another.

Siegfried: "...this seems familiar..."

Achilles: "F*CKING HECTOR GAVE ME A BETTER FIGHT!"

Gordes: "Use Balmung!" Siegfried prepares to use Balmung. Hopefully it might hit Achilles's heel.

Darnic: "DON'T USE BALMUNG!"

Siegfried stops using Balmung: "...guys, I'm confused."

Sieg then runs into Gordes. "Er...I should attack you!" "And why is that?" "...fat means evil, right?" "FUCK YOU!" Gordes then accidentally fatally injures Sieg.

Astfolo starts crying. "NOOO! HOW COULD YOU DIE? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU FOR A WEEK! BWA, THIS IS SO SAD!"

Siegfried places his heart in Sieg. "Sayonara, bitches. Ruler, please keep him safe." Ruler: "Understood."

Vlad and the others come over. Vlad: "Astolfo, you will be punished." "Please no?" "That's not going to work." Astolfo does puppy kawaii eyes. "PLEAAASSSEEE?! Maybe less severe?" Vlad: "...fine, you're grounded."

Now let's get to Mordred's backstory. Mordred: "OMG SHE'S MY DAD?! THAT'S FUCKING RAD, MOM!" Morgana:"...yeah, she's also my brother." "Okay, mom, what the fuck?" "Don't ask me, ask him."

Later, Mordred and Artoria are the last fighters. "Okay, dad! Can you explain to me first, what the fuck happened with my family, second, why I can't be the heir, and it better not because I'm a girl, because that is PURE FUCKING HYPOCRISY!"

The two just stare at each other for a second. "I'm sorry, dad, I didn't mean to make this awkward, but can you just explain-" Mordred gets stabbed. "Yep, too awkward." Artoria replies.

"And that's my story." Mordred says to Kairi. Kairi looks at a map. "Yeah, we gotta go to town, there's apparently a serial killer who targets mages...sounds like a rogue servant to me."

Mordred and Jack fight. "MARIA DA RI-" Chiron interrupts them. Fiore and Kairi fight. Caules saves her. Chiron: "I'm at a disadvantage when fighting mordred- WAIT A SECOND, I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND! Anyway, we have to retreat!"

Semiramis creates Hanging Gardens of Babylon...even though it actually wasn't hers, and was only gained because people are forgetful and stupid. "So, what was your plan if I didn't have the hanging gardens of Babylon, Master?" "...um..."

Jeanne ditches Sieg. "Okay, get the fuck out of this war, and get yourself a life that isn't violent."

Sieg dreams. "MY LIFE IS MEANT FOR WAR! AND VIOLENCE!" and then he runs off to war. Sieg then frees his fellow homunculi. "Let's start a revolution!" "What's that?" "I have no idea, I'm only a few days old!"

Semiramis: "Even though I'm an assassin, I know a little bit of magecraft…" SHE CREATES A FUCKING GIGANTIC CASTLE IN THE SKY. Shirou: "…that was an understatement." Shakespeare: "OH THE BETHINK?!

Achilles fights Chiron, Karna fights Vlad, and says to Achilles, "Dude, I think we should really switch. Like, Lancer of Black can't really harm you since he has no divinity, and Lancers are good against archers. Also, since he's the only one who can harm you, I...don't think fighting him is the best of ideas."

Achilles ignores Karna. I mean, seriously, he's fucking greek Cu Chulainn, nigh-unkiliable and arrogant as ever. What did you expect? Everyone loves Shishou, right?

Astfolo fights Mordred. Mordred whoops his ass. "Oh god, another person with gender identity issues? THAT'S IT, I'M KILLING YOU!"

Sieg runs off to challenge Mordred. Mordred WHOOPS his ass. "Seriously, what did you expect?"

Fran attacks Mordred. Mordred whoops her ass. "Master, isn't this just a bit too easy?"

Sieg attacks Mordred again. Mordred whoops his ass, then stabs him. We all know he's not going to die though. Astolfo: "DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK?! I TOLD YOU TO GET AND LIVE A LIFE!" Sieg: "Well, my preference just happened to be battle, so that's that!" "Well then of all battlegrounds, why did you have to choose the place where you'd immediately get your ass killed?!" Sieg really doesn't know the answer to that. "...yes?"

Fran uses her Noble Phantasm on Mordred. "BLASTED TREE! I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A FACELOAD OF THIS!" Big explosion happens. Mordred still survives anyway. Fran is dead though. "...seriously, what did you expect? I didn't even fight saber of black yet!"

Saber of black appears. "Hey there. Wanna make an explosion?" They create a huge explosion. Siegfried turns back to Sieg. Mordred is about to kill him. "Seriously, you guys just can't catch a break." Then Spartacus appears. Jeanne also appears.

Astolfo and Sieg: "PROTECT US PLZ PLZ PLZ?!" Jeanne: "...Rider of Black, that's against the rules. And also, you!...you..." she doesn't remember his name. "Sieg." "Sieg! Yeah, it was at the tip of my tongue...You just really want to die, don't you?" Astolfo and Sieg give even bigger bunny eyes. "PPPPLLLLLLLLZZZZZ?!"

Spartacus barfs shit at them. "THIS IS 300!" he then explodes as a result. Jeanne shields them. "...Gosh, I am the worst Ruler in history."

Celenike/Evil Hanji Zoe appears. "Kill the homunculus!" Sieg: "Astfolo no!" Celenike: "ASTFOLO YES!" Mordred kills her. "...look, Rider of Black, just die slowly, alright? I kinda need some father figure time...too bad most of it is going to be offscreen. Sorry for killing your master and everything, but she was fucking annoying. Also, she looked like a slut."

The servants of black board the Babylon Gardens after the whole stealing grail thing. Vlad turns into vampire and unwillingly does the fusion dance with Darnic, and rampages around...until Shirou Kotomine comes in.

Darnic: "LANCER GA SHINDA?!" Vlad: "KONO HITO DE NASHI!" Shirou Kotomine to everyone: "If you wanna save the world, join me. If you don't, don't join me. It should be simple."

Servants: "Er...this is hard to decide because I have a cute master..." "You know, I'm kinda more into golems, and one of mine might ruin the entire world..." "I'm not even entirely sure with a servant as my master..."

Shirou: "OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE IS IT REALLY THAT HARD?! JUST YES OR NO!" Karna, Achilles, Avicebron, Atalanta, Shakespeare, Semiramis: "Yes!" Chiron, Jeanne: "No!" Astolfo, Mordred: "...what's going on? No idea, really."

Avicebron transforms Roche into the core of Adam. Roche: "AVICEBRON, WHAT THE FUCK?! I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO USE A HOMUNCULUS OR FREAKING GORDES! WHY ME?!"

"...yes!" Adam walks around, then gets killed by Mordred and Siegfried. Chiron also shoots Avicebron.

Jeanne: "Guys, we need to get Jack the ripper in check!" She goes off after her. Jack the ripper uses her noble phantasm on Jeanne. "MARIA DA RIPPA!"

Jeanne survives. Jack: "HOW?!" Jeanne: "Plot armor, that's why!" Atalanta shoots Reika. "Begone, thot."

Jack: "Let's all go to London: Rippa version!" Children then go to Atalanta. "Onee-chan, we're kawaii, aren't we?" Atalanta: "YES YOU ARE!" Children: "But we're also evil."

Atalanta: "Wait wut-" Jeanne kills Jack. Atalanta(in darth vader/luke skywalker style): "NAOOOOOWWWWWW!

Fiore: "Okay, I don't want to be leader of Yggd-Black faction anymore. My brother will take the spot."

Caules: "…sis, this really sounds like incest." Chiron: "Yeah, I'm not okay with this." Mordred: "Geez, even I'm squicked."

Fiore: "NO YOU IDIOTS! THIS IS AN ANIME, NOT A HENTAI VISUAL NOVEL! BESIDES, IT'S JUST THE FAMILY CREST, NOT TRANSFERRING MANA!"

Caules: "…..let's just get this over with quickly." Chiron: "Agreed. And no, Master, I don't need extra mana. Thanks for not asking."

Jeanne: "Guys, we need to discuss our battle plans-" Astolfo comes out of the closet. Jeanne screams.

Shirou: "Okay, what are they-oh, what the fuck? Servants, get them! Oh for fuck's sake, why does this damn wish ritual take so long?! It's just one fucking wish!"

Atalanta and Jeanne fight. Atalanta: "Why did you kill them?" Jeanne: "They were evil! I mean, seriously, whether if I killed them or not, we would still be fighting anyway, right?"

Atalanta: "…okay, class change, BURR-SER-CAR!" Jeanne: "Okay, what the fuck?! Oh, she's so strong! Agh, I can't keep up with her! Oh, she's so…" Jeanne looks at Atlanta's ridiculous outfit, which is basically a grey bikini. "Intimidating isn't the right word."

Achilles fights Chiron. "Well, since you have divinity…let's make this awesome." They fight. Achilles wins. Chiron snipes Achilles's heel. "Have fun with that. Also, can you give your plot armor to someone else?" Achilles: "Eh, no big deal."

Atalanta nearly kills Jeanne. "Achilles, help!" Achilles: "...Maybe I should really wait for her to kill you first then-OMG ONEE-CHAN WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!"

Achilles and Atalanta kill each other. Achilles: "…I love you." "Fuck you too." "Eh…I'll take that."

Semiramis attacks Astolfo. Astolfo: "OH, I FINALLY F*CKING REMEMBER THE NAME OF THE BOOK!" he then tanks all of the damage.

Siegfried fights Karna. Karna activates Vaashakiti-whatever the fuck it's called. "…you disappoint me, Siegfried…LIKE SO MANY PLAYERS IN FGO!"

Siegfried: "….SUMANAI! BALMUNG!" Siegfried is about to get his ass roasted by Karna. Then astolfo jumps in. "PLOT ARMOR: ACHILLES VERSION!"

Siegfried then stabs Karna. "LANCA GA SHINDA!" Karna: "…yeah, I'm not saying that." "aw, fine…"

Mordred attacks Semiramis. "Fuck my family, fuck this war, fuck everything, and most of all, FUCK YOU!" she then kills her. "…another monarch bites the dust."

Shakespeare puts Jeanne into a play. Gilles: "You want to treat everyone equally, yet you're in love with Sieg?...I'M CALLING BULLSHIT! JOAN OF ARC WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING!"

Jeanne: "Yes, I know! This is bullshit! But now's not the time to call out on bullshit, help me!" Gilles: "Alright!"

Shirou: "Shakespeare, what the fu-" he then sacrifices his arm to block La Puecelle. "Whew….that was close…"

Shakespeare: "thee realize yond thee just hath left an innocent wench hither vulnerable to kicketh the bucket, right?"

Jeanne: "…shit, hadn't thought about that." She looks at the unconscious French girl. "…yep, really hadn't thought about that."

Sieg fights Shirou. Shirou: "Dude, you're not even a servant, you're not transforming into a dragon, how is still possible?!" Sieg: "Why are you so angry? Didn't you say that you had gotten rid of your anger?"

Shirou: "THIS DUMBASS PLOT AND BULLSHIT TURN OF EVENTS ARE ENOUGH TO MAKE ANYONE ANGRY AT THIS!" Sieg: "Allow me to make you even angrier! Blasted tree!"

Caules: "…dude, why didn't you tell me earlier?" Fiore: "We really should have let our servants undergo a similar process…"

Shirou: "HOW THE FUCK IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?!" shit explodes. Semiramis take Shirou away. "Master, are you okay?" Shirou: "…yeah…I just really need a little nap after this shitshow."

Semiramis: "I love you." Shirou: "I love you too…if only we had the screentime…to make this more relatable…"

Sieg: "…how to stop Shirou's wish?...oh right! I'll turn into a dragon because Siegfried can as well! Isn't that right guys?"

Everyone: "Nope. This is an ass pull in its finest." Sieg shrugs. "I'll still do it anyway." He then carries it off to an alternate universe.

Shakespeare: "Aye! i has't document'd such a most wondrous story, t's…. well enow, these events art so fuck'd up. I hath spent so many days on recording and dramatizing this piece of the horror ov'r hither?! yeah, death seemeth to beest the most wondrous option hither!" he then falls and disappears.

Jeanne finds Sieg. "Oh, there you are…wanna go somewhere fun?" Sieg: "yeah, sure…" Jeanne hijacks an FGO summoning, while Sieg gets in as welfare servant.

Ritsuka Fujimaru: "A CASTER TRYING BE EFFECTIVE AGAINST DRAGONS?! NO JEANNE ALTER?! OH WHAT THE FU-"

Ritsuka uses his NP spammability to clear off assassins and berserkers with Georgios. "Hercules is a dragon, Sieg!" "George, he's obviously a demigo-" "I SAID HE'S A DRAGON!" "Gosh, fine!"

Ritsuka: "…well, he's not so bad."

"Caules, you're accepted into the mage's association! Can you tell us who you learnt in your holy grail war?"

Caules: "…"

Waver: "…don't you dare say dumb shi-"

Caules: "This is a grail war in which archers actually can be archers! Being lancer may seem wonderful, but you'll end up suffering anyway! No, this war was not a tale about masters and servants!"

Waver: "...OMFG, the Grail Wars made this one a fucking idiot as well. Dude/Iskandar, why did this happen?"