fate stay night (UBW works) mass abridged:

Rin goes to school. "I'm a mage!"

Shirou comes by. "what's a mage?"

Rin isn't happy. "shaddup, shirou!"

Totally not a creepy rapist rich prick Shinji comes over and tries to flirt with Rin. "Ooh so cool I'm a mage too can I help you recharge your mana?"

What we don't know that is that some tsunderes are kinda bitchy. "Shaddup, Shinji!"

Rin then proceeds to summon archer.

Rin: "Who are you?"

Archer: "someone who you TOTALLY don't know."

Rin: Ooh, he's hot...red clothes, white hair...you must be young Santa Claus!

Archer: "I'm not-"

Rin: "Santa Claus, what's your noble phantasm?"

Archer: "can't remember."

Rin: "not possible. Ruldoph the red nosed Reindeer? Summon a sleigh? Drag them into the arctic and throw thousands of snowballs at them?"

Archer: "wutever, I'm not a rider."

Rin: "So do you use snowballs as projectiles?"

Archer: ...*sighs*

Later, Run is just moping around on the rooftop, talking to Archer. Anyone here would think that she's gone mad from Shinji's utter stupidity and is now talking to ghosts. Unless if he or she was a mage or a servant, of course.

Rin: "What's over here-OMG, IT'S A SERVANT!"

Lancer: "guess my identity."

Rin: "Cuckoo laid."

Lancer: "...I'LL KILL YOU!"

Archer: "Hold on a sec! Let's fight!"

Lancer: "who are you?"

Rin: "santa claus."

Archer: "...yeah."

they fight, until Shirou yells: "HELLO, Santa Claus!"

Lancer: "...okay, die!"

Rin: "aren't you gonna stop him?"

Archer: "of course not. It's best for everyone."

Rin: "best for everyone? or best for you?"

Archer: "Everyone, OF COURSE!"

Rin: "well, imma save him." Rin then gets to Shirou. "Oh no, only one of my greatest treasures that my dad left me can save...who are you aga-OH GOD, YOU'RE SAKURA'S BITCH/SENPAI, AREN'T YOU?! GREAT, NOW I HAVE TO SAVE YOU!"

Later...

Shirou wakes up. "I'm alive!" Lancer appears. "Not for long."

Shirou summons saber. "Are you my master?" "Of course, saberlicious." "...please don't issue a rape command with your seals, these are valuable. By the way, who're you?"

"Shirou Emiya." Saber's mind: "FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK! ANOTHER COCKSUCKING EMIYA?! HOW MANY WANKERS HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME?! SCRUMMY GRAIL DID THIS TO ME!"

Lancer fights Saber. "Alright, time for my noble phantasm that's a one hit kill...GAY BULGE!" Saber survives it. "...how?" "My luck is BIGGER than yours! Also, I have a feeling that your 'onehitkill' not killing shit is going to be a thing."

"Goddamnit, bye!"

Archer runs into Saber. They fight initially. Archer: "Saber plz don't hurt me we were friends remember?" "...do I know you?" "...RIGHT, OF COURSE NOT!"

Rin: "Shirou do you know wut this is about?" Shirou: "No!" They go to Kirei Kotomine. His surprise at Shirou's identity is a bit justified. "Wait...SHIROU. EMIYA?" "Yes..." "Good, you're accepted." "whoa..."

The four then go into the park to find the loli. They actually manage to find her, even though normally she would be at Europe.

Illya: "Hi, I'm the loli in this series. My name is pedobait von einzbern." Rin/Shirou: "Servants, assem-"

Archer: "fuck this no I'm out of here!" Rin: "Well, go on and be fucking useless like shirou! I'll go for Pedobait and Saber will go for Berserker, while you two can be useless together! Man, you two cunts could've been of the same mother!"

Shirou:"Oh, so you think I could be Santa Claus's brother?"

Archer: "Caldabog!" He bombs everyone. "I did a thing!...it didn't kill him." Shirou: "At least you tried!"

Archer: "Shaddup, shirou!" Rin: "yeah shirou!" "you're useless, man!" "Yeah shirou!"

*the next day*

Shirou goes to Ryoudoo temple. "Saber, fight assassin!" Saber: "An assassin...that's a swordsman...and his master is a servant? You're not a true assassin, right?"

Assassin:"correct. I am not really assassin. I am...Katanassassin."

Shirou enters ryoudo temple. Caster: "Surrender now. You may bang me if you want if you do."

shirou AND archer: "Fuck no." *they fuck their way out while yelling at each other about who's the bigger asshole.*

The next day...

Shinji: "Hey guys, I'm a mage!"

Medusa: "A horrible one to boot." "Shaddup!"

Rider dies quite quickly, right after he says "Shaddup!"

Rin: "Are you a mage?"

Shinji: "If I say no, will you spare me?"

As he's lying blatantly, Rin kicks his ass. She would have done so anyway if he said that he had said he was a mage.

Shinji:"Kotomine give me another servant!"

Kirei: "Do you whine like a little bitch at home all the time like this?

Shinji: "...no?"

Zouken and Sakura: "Totes!"

Kirei: "Gilgamesh, babysit this bitch."

Gilgamesh: "Alright."

Shirou and Rin and Saber encounter Kuzuki and caster. Shirou: "Innocent people are getting fucked over by your bitch and you won't do anything?"

Kuzuki: "do I know them?" "...no?" "So why should I care?"

Saber: "Haaaaaa!" Saber dashes towards Kuzuki. Kuzuki: "BITCH-SLAP!" through the power of the bitch-slap, Saber is defeated.

Rin: "Oh no you won't get away wi-" *gets punched by Kuzuki* Shirou: "My...PROTAGONIST POWER IS REVEALED!" Shirou has unlocked Protagonist Power! Kuzuki's snake punches aren't very effective!

The next day, Rin has something up in mind.

Rin: "Let's go on a date!"

Shirou: "Does this mean banging?" Archer: "Can we share?" Rin: "NO!"

Caster then appears with a tiger in her arms. "gimme saber or taiga dies." Shirou: "Alright." Saber: "Whew...so long, EMIYA!' Caster: "Kill Rin." "wut?" While trying to hit Rin, Shirou blocks it with his body instead. God, by now Saber should know that he has Avalon, he's Kiritsugu's fucking son and Saber, you kinda needed that because your master wasn't that great. "Eh, at least I hit that bastard's son."

Rin: "Shirou, you don't have Saberlicious anymore. get the fuck out."

"No!"

"Get out!"

"No!"

"yes!"

"no!"

"Fine..."

Archer: "HE'S STILL IN?! FUCK, I'M JOINING TEAM MEDEA NOW!"

Rin: "Okay, maybe we can go to Hercules, he may be able to help cuz he was in Medea's time period."

Hercules gets owned by Gilgamesh, Illya gets stabbed and touches Hercules. "Yes, daddy, you're soooo big..."

Medea: "Oh, time for my backstory." Medea's former master: "I'm better than you! Even tho you're a servant!" "...what an idiot." he gets his ass murdered. "Become my master and you get free sex plus potentially a magic cup that grants you anything."

Kuzuki:"...this is the best day of my life."

Lancer: "I hate archer. You don't like Medea cuz she's on his side. Why don't we team up to fuck them up?" Unfortunately, shirou and rin are screaming nonstop at lancer. lancer: "...really?"

Hours later...

Rin: "Alright, don't kill him. He still has to have punishment for his betrayal by stripping himself naked and showing me these AAAAABBBSS!" Lancer: "Alright, I'll totally keep him ali-

Gay Bulge!" Archer: "...you do realize that I kinda have to do kinky stuff for Rin, right?" "Yeah!" "so why are you throwing a 10 foot onehitkill red boner at me?"

Lancer: "...yeah, didn't think that through." "By the way, I'm just faking my betrayal." "do you seriously think I'll let you off the hook like that?" "...yes?" Lancer sighs. "...yeah, I'll let you off the hook." "4 real?!" "Yes. Being a lancer is suffering, for your knowledge."

Archer kills Caster and Kuzuki, and overpowers saber. "I could easily kill you shirou, but hey, I'm going to take my time to do that, just like foreplay."

Rin: "Saber, let's bond together!" Saber: "Yeah, YURI FOREVER!"

Archer: "Rin let's go." "What? fuck no!" "fuck yes!"

A few hours later...

Shinji: "Hey, I totally don't wanna rape her. Mind giving her to me?" Archer: "Yeah, sure, just make sure that I'll get some later." "Deal!"

Kotomine: "Okay, rin, we're going to put a hole in you to make the grail. do you mind?"

Rin: "...Kirei, this is the most fucked up thing you've ever said. Ever."

"Well to be fair, I hardly ever speak to you so..." "yeah." "Anyway, Lancer, kill her." "but she's hot! I don't wanna, myaaaster!" "kill yourself, then?" "Gr, fine!" he kills himself. However, Kirei is standing behind him like an idiot so Lancer accidentally kills him as well.

Kirei: "...Claudia, Kiritsugu, here I come~" Shinji: "Let's have some fun, Rin!" Lancer: "If I'm not getting her, nobody is!" He then touches shinji, who proceeds to run off like a little bitch.

Shirou and archer fight. Shirou: "What is with you and killing people? Don't you know people die when they're killed?" archer: "Shaddup, shirou!"

"Just because you're correct doesn't mean you're right!" "Shutdafuckup, me!" "Archer, I can't believe you really are an archer!" "WILL YOU CLOSE THAT GODDAMN MOUTH?! IT'S THE DAMN THING THAT GOT ME KILLED IN THE FIRST PLACE!" Gilgamesh then owns Archer.

Gilgamesh: "Shinji, wanna see me do a magic trick?"

"Sure-" he then gets turned into the grail.

"Okay, shirou, let's give you mana in order to beat Gilgamesh-" "But how?"

"..." Please stand by, we are trying to cancel the order of commence sexual moaning while yells of "It's not that I like you so I did this, Baka!" resound.

shirou: "Gilgamesh, let's fight." "How?" "I'll rip off Enkidu." "ONORE ONOREONOREONOREONOREONOREONOREONOREONORE!"

Rin takes Shinji. "Okay...why do I have to save you? BECUZ YOUR GODDAMN SISTER IS ALSO MY SISTER! SO I HAVE TO DO DIS SHIT!"

Katanassassin: "Saberlicious, let's fight again." "...no." "Plzzzz?" "fine." Saber used air slash against Katanassassin! It's super effective!

Saber then destroys the grail. Shirou slashes Gilgamesh's arm. "PEOPLE DIE WHEN THEY'RE KILLED!" Gilgamesh: "STOP SAYING THAT!" "Yeah, shirou!" Archer shoots Gilgamesh.

"Okay, shirou, let's go to the clock tower." "For what?" "For a bit more...plooooooooott..." *while saying "plot" the camera focuses on Rin and Luviagelita's...assets.*

Shirou: "Professor Velvet-" Waver/Lord El-Melloi:"Don't call me that." Shirou: "Did you know that people died when they're killed? and just because someone's correct doesn't mean that they're right? and that some archers really are archers?"

Waver: "...my god, the grail war made you a fucking idiot."