Title: The Bribe

Spoilers: Goes AU somewhere mid season three.

Disclaimer: This is for fun and no money

Rating: T

TM Creative Fest Prompt #115:When Jane refuses again to attend a mandatory seminar in the CBI and threatens to wreak havoc if he's forced to go, Lisbon resorts to bribery in a last-ditch attempt to get him to behave. It works surprisingly well once she finds the right bribe.

A/N: I must credit Starry19 and her story "Credit Cards and Concussions" with giving me the unshakeable head canon that Lisbon possesses a Victoria Secret credit card. This head canon may or may not have followed me into more than one ongoing story...

xxx

"Lisbon," Hightower said crisply when the budget meeting concluded. "A word."

Lisbon paused halfway out the door, curiosity and dread claiming her in equal parts. What had Jane done now? She schooled her features into a neutral expression. "Ma'am?"

"My office," Hightower said, picking up her files and walking to meet her at the door. She inclined her head to indicate Lisbon should precede her down the hall.

When they reached Hightower's office, Hightower took a seat at her desk. Lisbon stood at attention before the desk, posture militarily erect.

Hightower gestured impatiently. "Have a seat."

That bad, huh. Lisbon hid her cringe and sat down in the guest chair. "What's this about, ma'am?"

Hightower surveyed her over the top over her desk. "You know we have that rules of evidence seminar next week."

Lisbon tilted her head, surprised by the lead in. "Yes, ma'am. I've been receiving the email reminders." It would have been hard to forget it—the communications office had been blasting the whole department with reminders for the past month.

"And you're aware attendance is mandatory," Hightower stated.

"Yes," Lisbon said, wondering where she was going with this. "I have it blocked off on my calendar."

"Your team members are expected to attend as well," Hightower said.

"Of course," Lisbon said, straightening. "I've already informed the agents on my team their presence is required."

"All team members," Hightower emphasized. She looked at Lisbon meaningfully. "Including consultants."

"Ma'am, no," Lisbon said, horrified. "Jane isn't an agent—surely he doesn't need to attend."

"I don't like it any more than you do," Hightower said grimly. "God knows I'm aware of the kind of mayhem Patrick can cause when he's forced to do something he doesn't want to do."

"Exactly," Lisbon said gratefully. "So you agree he should be excused so he won't set something on fire or set loose some kind of wild animal in the bullpen or spread rumors that someone's planning to unleash a biological weapon at the seminar and cause widespread panic—"

Hightower shook her head. "It's out of my hands. The AG has informed me that attendance is mandatory for all staff. The governor's office is sending over monitors to track compliance."

"But, ma'am," Lisbon said desperately. "The widespread panic—the potential need to evacuate the building—"

"None of that will come to pass, Teresa. You know why?"

"Why?" Lisbon said with dread.

Hightower fixed her steely gaze on Lisbon. "Because you are going to personally make sure that Jane attends this seminar."

"I am?" Lisbon said faintly.

"Not only that," Hightower continued. "But you are also going to make sure he actually behaves himself for once in his life."

"Ma'am," Lisbon said, shaking her head. "After working with him eight years, I managed to convince Jane to work with us in the Red John takedown instead of going off on his own and getting himself arrested or killed. But persuading him to willingly participate in a bureaucratic process without causing critical damage to the organization? You might be asking the impossible."

"I know it won't be easy," Hightower acknowledged. "But I do have something to offer you if you can secure his cooperation."

"What's that?" Lisbon said, doubtful. She couldn't think of anything she wanted badly enough to undergo the torture that would be involved in trying to force Jane to go to this seminar.

Hightower leaned back in her chair. "That training you've been pushing for Van Pelt. The white hat course in L.A. You get Jane to attend the seminar and not cause any international incidents, I'll secure the funding for her to attend the training."

"Really?" Lisbon said, surprised. She'd been lobbying for three months to get Van Pelt sent on this training and kept being stonewalled by the budget office.

"You have my word," Hightower said.

Lisbon considered. She knew she was getting the worse end of the deal by far. But Van Pelt deserved the opportunity and she knew the skills she gained at the training would be invaluable to the team. "All right," she said at last. "I'll do what I can."

"Do whatever it takes," Hightower advised. "I have the utmost confidence in your abilities, Teresa. Don't let me down."

"Yes, ma'am," Lisbon said, straightening her spine.

Xxx

She went back to her office, where she found Jane sprawled on her couch. She gazed at him affectionately, so happy and grateful that he was still here. After Rigsby had shot and killed Red John, she'd been so afraid that Jane would take off and disappear. That he would run away to a beach somewhere and she would never hear from him again. But he hadn't disappeared. He'd stayed.

He appeared to be coping surprisingly well with the loss of his revenge. He'd sold the house in Malibu, gotten an apartment, and seemed content to continue to solve crimes with the CBI. Three weeks ago, he'd stopped wearing his wedding ring. Lisbon didn't know what to make of this, or of the strange swooping sensation in her belly whenever her gaze happened to land on Jane's bare ring finger. She did everything she could not to think about it, but somehow, the image of that bare finger kept intruding into her thoughts when she tried to fall asleep at night.

"What do you need, Lisbon?" Jane asked lazily from the couch without bothering to open his eyes.

"What makes you think I need something?" Lisbon said, immediately defensive. Surely he couldn't have read her thoughts without even looking at her. Right?

"You're standing in the doorway staring at me instead of going over to your desk to start working on that dreadful pile of paperwork," Jane pointed out.

"I'm not staring at you," she protested.

He smiled without opening his eyes. "Liar."

He kept talking, his eyes still closed. "The fact that you haven't come over and kicked the couch implies it's something you're reluctant to ask me, so it isn't case related. You wouldn't be shy about interrupting my nap and demanding whatever you wanted from me if it had something to do with a case."

Jerk. She should have kicked the couch.

Lisbon sighed, annoyed by the accuracy of his analysis. Deciding she might as well get this over with, she took one of the chairs from the table by the door and dragged it over to the couch so she could sit down.

Jane opened his eyes, regarding her with half-lidded eyes as she sat down opposite him and fixed him with a glare. "Oh, my," he said, amused. "This must be serious indeed."

"Would you stop being a pain in the ass for once?" Lisbon said, exasperated. "You're right, okay? I do need to talk to you about something."

"I'm all ears," he said, intrigued. "You must be really worried about it, if you're pulling up a chair instead of telling me to shove over or just ordering me about from on high the way you usually do."

"'Ordering you about from on high' makes it sound like you actually listen to me," Lisbon said, immediately drawn into his nonsense despite her resolve to stick to the point and get the whole thing over with. "Shouting into the void is more like it."

"Okay, now you're just stalling," Jane said. "What is it?"

She took a deep breath. "You know that seminar that's coming up? The one about rules of evidence?"

"Yes."

"It's on Tuesday afternoon."

"I know. It's supposed to be lovely weather that day. The perfect day for me to amuse myself in the park in the afternoon while the rest of you are off being brainwashed like good little CBI drones," Jane said, sounding pleased at the prospect.

"Hightower says you have to come, too."

Jane laughed. "Right. I'm sure that would make Madeleine's day."

"I'm serious. She says you have to go."

He looked at her intently. "Is this something Bertram is in charge of? Is she trying to piss him off and to use me as her instrument of petty revenge? Because I'm always happy to ruin Bertram's day, but I can think of about fifteen more entertaining ways to do it off the top of my head."

"This has nothing to do with Bertram," Lisbon said, exasperated. "It's a mandate from the governor's office. Apparently they're sending monitors to make sure we reach one hundred percent compliance."

"So it's a purely bureaucratic exercise," Jane interpreted. "No, thank you. I'll sit this one out."

"It's not a bureaucratic exercise," Lisbon said. "They're going to provide training on rules of evidence, which you could definitely benefit from. Do I need to remind you of the time that hit man almost got away with murder because you broke into his apartment, drank his tea, and left your fingerprints all over the place?"

He waved this off. "Experience is a far better teacher than any formalized instruction could be, Lisbon. I already learned that lesson. If I'm going to break into someone's house and drink their tea, I should wear gloves and clean up after myself. Simple. No need to spend eight hours listening to some government hack drone on about the subject ad nauseum."

She pinched the bridge of her nose to stave off an impending headache. "Jane, this is a required training for all CBI employees. Everyone else has to go. Why do you always think you're above this sort of thing? We do give you a paycheck, you know."

"I don't think I'm above it," Jane corrected. "I'm to the side of it. Cop-adjacent, remember? This sort of thing is for you and the other agents to worry about, not me."

"Are you kidding me? You're the one person in the whole bureau who probably needs this training the most. You routinely compromise evidence at crime scenes, steal evidence from the evidence room almost as often—the DA's office almost has to throw out a case at least once a quarter because of some ridiculous thing you've done that somehow makes the evidence inadmissible—"

"Yeah, but they don't throw them out, do they?" Jane said. "Because ninety-nine percent of the time we get a confession and they don't even need the evidence after all. As for the rest, you and the rest of the team do a fine job of stopping me from destroying anything really important."

She rolled her eyes. "That's so comforting."

"You should be comforted. I'm far more likely to listen to you than to anyone else."

"Right. Because it's completely unreasonable that you would actually go into any sort of structured learning environment with an open mind and actually try to learn something," Lisbon said sarcastically.

"Corporate brainwashing, Lisbon," he said dismissively. "Why would I voluntarily subject myself to that?"

"God, why are you always so damn difficult about every little thing?" she said, frustrated.

"I'm drawing a line in the sand, Lisbon," he said loftily. "Standing up for the little guy by taking a stand against the man."

"By being a lazy, entitled bastard who thinks he's God's gift to crime-solving and doesn't have to follow the same rules as everybody else," Lisbon fired back.

"That, too," Jane agreed.

She changed tacks. "Listen, Jane. Hightower expects you to attend this seminar and she made it clear that she's going to hold me accountable if you don't cooperate. So can you please just be reasonable about this and agree to come to the training?"

"Hightower threatened you?" Jane propped himself up on his elbows, apparently gearing up for action. "Why didn't you say so before? I'll figure out some dirt we can use against her as leverage and make this whole issue about the training disappear."

"She didn't threaten me," Lisbon said, exasperated. "She quite reasonably expects that I can manage my own team and get them to perform the basic duties expected of them, like attending mandatory trainings. You really want to make me look bad in front of the brass by refusing to obey the simplest order?"

He sank back onto the couch. "Nice try, Lisbon. But I think I've made my ways known among the players in this town well enough that all the people with real power know that I'm completely unmanageable. They know the only hope they have of keeping me remotely in line is through you, because you're the only person whose opinion I care about."

"If you care so much about my opinion, why won't you just agree to go to the damn training so we don't have to waste more time arguing about it?" she snapped.

"Because me going to the training isn't going to negatively influence your opinion about me," Jane pointed out. "In fact, you might actually lose respect for me if I suddenly rolled over and started toeing the line about stupid bureaucratic nonsense. You secretly like the fact that I reject authority. Don't try to deny it."

"Oh, my God. You are the most infuriating, narcissistic—" she drew in two deep breaths, summoning calm. "Okay. Forget Hightower. Forget my opinion. Forget being a reasonable human being with normal attitudes towards minimum job requirements. Let's get down to brass tacks. What is it going to take to get you to show your face at this thing and actually behave for once in your life?"

Jane gave her a long look, considering. "This is really important to you?"

"Yes. As a team leader, I'd like to be able to assure the higher ups that I actually have some sway with my team members," Lisbon said dryly. "Besides, Hightower promised if I convinced you to go, she'd get me the funding for that computer training Van Pelt wants to go to."

"Ah, that's why you're so determined," Jane said, light dawning. "Well, there's no need for this training nonsense to come into the matter. I'll figure out a way to get Bertram to cough up the money, and then you won't have to worry about the stupid seminar."

She closed her eyes. "Please, Jane. What's it going to take?"

He stared at her, his eyes flicking over her face. She opened her eyes and looked steadily back. "A bribe," he said finally.

Lisbon blinked. Of all Jane's usual methods for getting his way, bribery was not one she'd ever witnessed him using before. He usually went for elaborate manipulations. It was actually unusually straightforward, for Jane. "What kind of bribe?" she asked suspiciously.

He grinned, that sinful smile that never boded well for her. "One that only you can pay, my dear."

Her eyes narrowed. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He raised his eyebrows. "Let's establish our baseline before we get into specifics. Are you open to the concept of bribery?"

Lisbon considered this. All in all, it sounded a lot easier than anything else that had occurred to her. "Maybe," she said cautiously. "Why is it something that only I can pay? What do you want?"

He looked meaningfully down the front of her blouse. Lisbon looked down at herself reflexively, wondering if she'd dropped part of her lunch on her shirt, but she didn't see any tell-tale drops of mustard or anything. "What?" she said self-consciously.

"I want you to wear your pink lace bra to the seminar," Jane announced.

Lisbon turned purple. "My—what—how the hell—so inappropriate—"

"Yes, I know, it's very politically incorrect of me," Jane acknowledged. "But you know I don't like to be bound by social convention, and that's the only thing I really want."

Lisbon spluttered. "But you—how do you even know I have a, a—"

"How do I know you have a pink lace bra in the first place?" Jane supplied helpfully. "Please, Lisbon. Give me some credit. You really think I haven't been paying attention?"

"To my underwear?" Her voice had gone alarmingly shrill.

Jane continued blithely on. "I considered the green silk or the sheer red one—which, by the way, was a very close runner up, but the pink lace is my favorite."

"The green—" Lisbon shot to her feet. "What the hell, Jane?"

"You really thought I didn't know about that Victoria Secret credit card?" Jane said, as though this were a perfectly normal question to ask a colleague.

Her face flamed. She pointed to the door. "Out. Now."

"Aw, Lisbon, there's no need for that," Jane said, alarmed by the look in her eye. "We're just having a simple negotiation. I'm sure we can work out a mutually agreeable arrangement if we stick with it and hash out a few more of the particulars."

"I'll give you a mutually agreeable arrangement, you complete and utter ass." She hauled him off the couch, then frog-marched him over to the door.

"Ow! There's no need for such violence, woman," Jane complained as she hustled him over to the door with his arm twisted painfully behind his back. "You asked what I wanted and I answered. Where's the crime in that?"

"If you ever mention my underwear in this office again, I'll shove your teakettle so far up your ass, you'll be whistling for a week," Lisbon threatened. With that, she thrust the door open and shoved him bodily through it.

Jane stumbled in response to the unexpected force propelling him through the door and found himself sprawled on his ass in the hallway leading to the bullpen.

Cho, passing by, glanced at Jane, then up at Lisbon. "What'd he do?"

Lisbon only huffed and slammed the door closed.

Cho looked down at Jane, still on the floor, rubbing several bruised portions of his anatomy. "That bad, huh?"