Xara HATED Romeo.

Not the idle, flat irritation one might feel about something distasteful, a burning, consuming hatred that frankly felt like it was overtaking her mind.

Even thinking about him made her grind her teeth.

But GODDAMNIT, she couldn't hurt him.

Even in that first meeting after he had been devolved to a human, she couldn't hurt him. She had just... Broke down.

And then the next time she saw him, despite having more cohesive and restrainable emotion, she couldn't bring herself to hurt him still because he looked like a kicked puppy.

He had heavy bags under his eyes, he clearly hadn't been eating much, if at all, and he just looked so utterly resigned when he saw her that the only emotion she could understand from the swirling in her head was anger still.

Anger was the only emotion she could infer from herself anymore. She could sometimes come to a relative calm, but happiness was nigh impossible to remember. She could certainly feel sad, but it was a deep, mournful sort of sad that felt more like emptiness than misery.

She supposed now she had 'friends' or at the least, 'friendly acquaintances'. Jesse often said hi, and Stella sometimes invited her to Champion City. The blonde was a bit of a prat, but certainly entertaining to listen to - in a way - and could stave off boredom with ease.

And heck, maybe a part of her wanted to be friends with Romeo too. But that was just a part. Every other part was screaming for her to kill him.

A while after he came back, she noticed that he didn't leave Jesse's for several days. And when he did after that, he was always accompanied by someone, be it Stella, Jesse, Radar or even Petra or Lukas on occasion. She was confused. Why did he need escorts?

And then a while later (a week? a month? she found it hard to tell time) she saw him sat at the edge of a bridge, legs dangling over the side.

She sighed, expression becoming numb as she walked over.

"...What are you doing?"

His head snapped up so fast he must have gotten whiplash, eyes widening in something akin to horror before he masked it. "X-Xara, hi..?"

She frowned and looked over at the river below, seeing some fish that were close to the surface. It was oddly calming. She turned to look at him, eyes narrowed. "The hell're you doing out here? Trying to kill yourself?"

She said it mostly as sarcasm, but his silence made her pause. "...You are?"

"No!" he said a bit too quickly, shuffling away from her. She bit her lip and crossed her arms defensively. "It's not like i fucking care, okay?" she said sharply, and wondered why it felt like a lie.

"If you don't care, then go.." he mumbled, and she frowned. "No."

He looked up at her with something close to annoyance. "Why?"

She shrugged. "Jesse would probably kill me if you slipped and died by accident or something"

"Accident. Ha" he mumbled under his breath sourly. Her expression twisted into something unreadable. "Don't you dare jump. I'm serious"

He lowered his head, expression cold. "The only one who would miss me is Jesse. The rest would be happy" he shrugged. "He's been tryna help. I... I appreciate it.." his voice broke. "But..." he shook his head, looking frustrated. "Nevermind. Why are you even talking to me? Wouldn't you want me gone?"

"I.." she swallowed. "Don't ask me questions i can't answer"

He looked suprised. "It... You don't know?"

She grit her teeth and looked away. "I hate you, asshole. I always will. I fucking HATE you" she spat out the words like acid and Romeo flinched. Her voice softened imperceptibly. "But for whatever reason I'd rather you not get hurt or die... I don't know. I just- shut up, okay?!" she grumbled, cross. He had to hide a small instinctive smile. This was reminiscent of her small fits of petty anger back when they were both admins..

The smile slipped from his face. He hated thinking about the past.

"I don't know if i really wanna die.." he said quietly, listening to the sound of the water below him and the chirping of birds above his head. The wind blew his hair into his face. Peaceful. He closed his eyes. "Just don't want to be alive either"

Xara hesitated but sat down next to him, looking out over the river. She made a noncommital humming noise. "...I've felt that"

He looked miserable. "I don't blame you"

She shook her head. "But i've found something to live for now besides killing you, i suppose" she rolled her eyes. "Have you found a purpose?"

He shrugged. "Helping. Repairing. Making up for what I've done"

"What about when you're done doing that?"

"Well.." he began to scratch at his wrist. "I leave"

She scowled and grabbed his hand, pulling it away so he couldn't scratch anymore. "Like hell you will. Over my cold decaying body-"

She paused. His sleeve had slipped.

He yelped and jumped up, eyes filled with pure panic and terror. She stood up slowly, expression intense. "Show me your fucking arm"

"No!" he yelped, the noise almost a squeak with how high pitched he could be in panic. Another occasion she might've found it begrudgingly funny. Now, though?"

She grabbed him forcefully. He tried with little avail to tear himself from her grasp, but she had already grabbed at his sleeve with such force that it tore.

"...What the fuck?!"

He closed his eyes, as if it would shut out the sheer visceral reaction she had. Had he looked, he would have seen for a split second that there was pain on her face before she smothered it. "You CUT yourself?!"

"N-not for a week!" he exclaimed, and she growled. "You say that like it's much of an accomplishment. Why did you think this was a good idea?!"

He finally tore himself from her grip. "I didn't! It's just how i.." he tensed. "How i cope. It's not for attention or anything-"

"I never said it was"

"-But i haven't yet figured out another way to deal with things" he said awkwardly.

She looked tired. "You are trying to stop though, right?"

He blinked and nodded. "Yes, i am"

"Well" she stretched. "Sure as hell don't seem like it, mr. currently contemplating suicide"

He flushed a bright red. "It's n-not like i was actually gonna jump!"

"Suuure" she snickered, before blinking in suprise. They were... Joking? Granted it was morbid humour, but...

He bit his lower lip but smiled shyly. "I kinda missed this.."

Her face pinked and she looked away, shuffling slightly. "Mm, I'm sure you did.." she blinked as she heard shouting and turned to see Jesse waving, clearly trying to indicate her over. She moved to say goodbye to Romeo but stopped herself. They had made strides forward here, but she wasn't ready to normalise being around him in one day. One year? Maybe. But not yet.

So she simply walked off.

And somehow she felt Romeo smiling behind her, and couldn't resist a small little smile herself.