Dear Josh it spells out in handwriting as familiar to him as his own.

He reads. He reads, and it knocks the air right out of his lungs as memories, long-suppressed, come flooding back.

I'm not sure when it started. Maybe it was way back, Mum's funeral even, when I was bawling my eyes out and you held me and our lips accidentally met (when I finally looked up from my crying). You probably don't even remember that, do you? After all, you detached yourself so quickly – and I found you not an hour later holding Margot in a similar embrace. I've never told anyone, ever ever. Nobody knows but us – or maybe just me.

I think it might have been always you Josh. For me at least. The other crushes I've had – none of them have been this serious, or this deep.

For you, I think, it was always Margot.You look at her the way you never looked at me.

It hurts, you know, when you invite me on those dates with her. Don't get me wrong – I love Margot, so much; it's not hard to see why you would too. She's like Mum – so smart, so brave, so beautiful – everything I'll never be. Don't worry Josh, really – I resigned myself to that a long time ago. Sometimes, when we're all together, I close my eyes and let myself pretend, pretend that it's just you and me.

But I'm not jealous, I promise. Even if I was, I could never do that to Margot. And in a way, it's my fault really. They say you don't know what you have until it's gone, and I didn't realise how much I truly cared for you, my best friend, until you weren't there anymore.

You changed so much, you know? Remember the pee-in-drinks discussion, how we were team pee forever? At least until Margot came along. I guess that's what happens when you're in love with someone – you want to change yourself for the better. I wouldn't know though, seeing as I haven't been in love. And I'm honestly not sure that's better because water for life, seriously Josh?

Anyway, I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Love letters, best friends, the boy next door – it's all so cliché I want to laugh at myself. It's practically a plotline for those movies I love to watch. You'll probably end up my brother-in-law one day – now isn't that a weird thought!

I guess I just miss you. And I want you to know that no matter what happens, I'll always support you. Life is so unpredictable, and everything can be so fleeting – but I know I can count on you, Chris, Dad and my sisters to be my constants, and I'm so grateful to have all of you in my life. Know that if you ever need something, I'm here for you too.

Yours forever and always,

Lara-Jean

A/N: Yes I'm alive everyone! I have a 2000w uni essay due in 2 days RIP but this little plot bunny hopped over and I just couldn't resist! Set in movie-verse, as I haven't read the books (yet!). Dedicated to my friends Sarah, Danelle & Grace for intro'ing me to TATBILB!

Just for the record, I love Peter, but can't help shipping LJ & Josh a little – anyone else in the same boat? (FYI this is the characters, not the real-life people acting as I have heard bad things about Josh's actor sigh.) Also, not sure about the timeline and how old they would've been when her mum died, so sorry if I accidentally wrote about very young children kissing – if anyone does know their ages please tell me haha!

Reviews much appreciated - let me know if I should make this a two-shot! Title taken from the song "I Hate U, I Love U" by Gnash, which came to mind while writing. The lyrics are fitting, don'tcha think? :)