Um... no, I didn't expect to put this up when I woke up today!
Anyway!

Warning. This is a Chloe based M!P (Magic Penis) story.
I suppose technically this story is canon because I'm going to place it at some point during college but I'm basically planning on not following the things that happen in canon. So I suppose consider this to be in the years between freshman year and senior, aka between the first and second movie.

This story is SUPPOSED to be 100% ridiculous. Basically I'm writing it because I want a laugh and the full time story I am working on is REALLY heavy. Also because people have been asking me to do a G!P or M!C for years. I always said no to G!P because I was lucky enough to be born a woman in a woman's body. I don't feel like I'm capable of writing gender issues when there are so many more qualified than me. And we know me. I would end up turning the story into a deep angst filled real issues that real people face. So the answer was silly little funny M!C/M!P story. Please, for the love of god, don't take it too seriously. I did my best to research what men go through, but I'm a lesbian who has literally never been face to face a penis in real life so some allowances will have to be made. Hopefully this amuses you.

I'm NOT going to do this like I usually do. This story is NOT completely written. I'm just picking up a chapter here and there when my current SQ fic I'm writing gets too difficult and dark. So don't expect regular updates at all.
Also. This isn't beta'ed. Sorry!

"That little pipsqueak!" Chloe cried from the backseat of Jessica's car. Once again Beca-effing-Mitchell had whittled her down to nothing more than a shirking… angry… UGH… she sounded like a boiling tea kettle and she knew it. "That little ... that little jerk!" She squeaked. Her teeth ground together, aggravated by her anger. She knew she wasn't expressing herself well at the moment but she was making her point just the same. "That little ... that little ..." She couldn't think of a word that fit right now.

"Dick?" Stacie offered, flipping down the passenger side mirror so Chloe could see her well-manicured eyebrows lift in suggestion.

"Stacie!" Jessica hissed her eyes darting to the road, Stacie, and Chloe in open mortification at the slander against their beloved captain.

"DICK!" The word exploded out of her. That was perfect. That was the perfect word.

"Oh come on, Jessica." Stacie shrugged. "Being Beca's friend doesn't mean being blind to her faults. We all love Beca."

Jessica's eyes shot to her and the back to the road.

"We do!" Stacie insisted, wiping w bit of nothing from the corner of her lip in the mirror and then closing it. "But when she gets like this she's a dick."

"A little tiny midget sized dick!" Chloe growled at top volume making Jessica wince.

Stacie gave a bark of a laugh. "I don't know, Chloe. I know you're pissed at the cap and all that but I love you like this."

Chloe just growled, breathing from her nose like a bull ready to stampede.

She was mad.

Of course she was mad.

Beca had once again said something… something shitty.

Once. Again.

For no reason.

Or at least, not for a good one.

She hadn't thought twice about it when Amy came downstairs to get a drink and told her that Beca was crying on the phone with her dad. This wasn't the first time. Dr. Mitchel, well, he didn't get her. He had decided to take Beca's decision to stay at Barden as a reflection on him, instead of a reflection on Beca's newfound passion and dedication to the Bellas. He had been and was insufferable. Even Chloe thought so and she tried hard not to think those kinds of things. These phone calls between Beca and her dad always started out as typical and appropriate calls to see how his daughter was always turned into the same thing: 'You should praise me, Beca, for I, the incomparable Dr. Mitchell, am all-knowing and have swayed your life away from a path of danger. Worship me, 'o disappointment child, else I will pummel you with a slew of bad fatherly jokes and thinly veined criticisms until you surrender.'

It was unfair. He didn't understand anything about Beca at all.

As soon as Amy had told her of Beca's current emotional state, Chloe had risen and gone. That was why Amy had told her, after all. Sometimes Amy was the person best for the job of Beca clean up but most of the time it was her. She had gone up to wrap Beca in a hug and tell her that her dad was an idiot and Beca was amazing. But the moment that Chloe's arms had wrapped around her, Beca had shoved her away and cried, 'Dude, get off! Shouldn't you be studying for Russian Lit so you don't fail again, instead of here on my bed bugging me?'

It happened from time to time. Beca had been hurt a lot and so, like a hurt and angry child, every now and then when in pain she lashed out. It was becoming routine.

"She's my best friend!" She fumed at the women in the front seats. "How can she talk to me like that? She knows that's a - a - a..." a very sore subject.

She was more than her best friend. They were one another's number one; the friend you cuddled with when sick because they knew getting your cold was inevitable anyway, the one you told all of your secrets to because it would be sacrilegious not to. She wasn't just her best friend, she was her best friend – and she knew she was Beca's. And sometimes... late at night, they were maybe a little more.

"I'm sure she didn't mean it, Chloe." Jessica tried in a small voice, her anxious face pale in the rearview mirror. "She cares about you a lot. You know that. We all know that. She's just ... she's ..."

"She's Beca." Stacie finished for her with no hint of anger, just fact.

That was the thing. Beca didn't mean it. These nasty moments just slipped out of her sometimes. Beca seemed to hate it as much as Chloe and the other Bellas hated it. As soon as she had said it the room had frozen. Amy, who had only just sat back down on her bed, had frozen with her cup midway to her mouth, her eyes wide. Amy had been unmoving, unbreathing for one second ... two ... four ... six, waiting for Chloe to react. Chloe had been frozen though, affronted. She had been stuck standing there, her hands still out like she was going to touch Beca, her jaw slack and wide. She had been too shocked to blink, to breathe even.

And the silence had just gotten longer and longer.

Finally Amy had let out an awkward whistle as if to say 'wow, Beca' and had silently turned and left the room again, more than likely not wanting to be there for the fight that was maybe coming.

Still Chloe hadn't moved, her humiliation at the shaming in front of Amy twisting into anger as Beca stared down at her blankets, wiping away tears that Chloe knew Beca would deny. She could already feel the shame pouring off of Beca.

This happened and it was okay, Chloe had thick skin. She had always taken Aubrey's anger, and so she could take Beca's anger too. She was good at dealing with it and so she forgave Beca of her imperfections over and over again because she cared about her. She let it slide because she knew Beca didn't mean to be so mean. Plus, Beca always felt horrible afterward and so Chloe swallowed down the hurt, accepting it and moving on... ninety percent of the time.

That other ten percent though, that was a doozy. Those times it was like her insides had taken as many nicks as it could before it was too much. Her internal cooling system malfunctioned and she boiled over.

That was how it had been today. She had sat there feeling foolish and small and absolutely humiliated that her best friend would go for such a low blow and in front of someone else. She had stood there beside Beca, watching Beca refuse to look at her and she had begun to boil.

Furious, she had turned and marched out of the room, her arms swinging stiffly at her sides, her mouth pressed into a line, her teeth grinding.

Beca had been calling her before she had even reached the stairs, already ashamed, but she hadn't been able to turn around. If she had then she would have torn Beca's head off and she didn't want to do that. She didn't want to be that person.

She had stomped down the attic stairs, past her own bedroom, down the main stairs and marched straight into the living room to where Stacie and Jessica had been studying. One look at her face and they had been up and ushering Chloe out of the door before Beca could come downstairs and make everything worse.

It was a silent agreement in the Bella house. Chloe was the one who could handle Beca when she was in a bad mood and in return, those few times that Chloe snapped they whisked her away for the afternoon, giving her time to be angry and then to blow off steam.

The one time they hadn't Beca had chased after Chloe, instant that she accept her apology. Everything she had said only made things worse and had ended with Chloe nearly vaulting herself onto Beca in her rage.

Beca had seemed shocked to see Chloe round on her, fire on her face.

"So, guys," Jessica said through the silence that had developed in the car. "Where are we going?"

Stacie looked back at Chloe in question.

She just shrugged. She didn't care. She just didn't want to think about that nasty, humiliating tone that Beca had used on her for just a few minutes.

It turned out that where to go was an easy choice. Summer was still in full effect and the summer fair still had a week before it closed down and the land was filled with pumpkin patches and autumn farmer's markets.

The fair was a big deal, one of the biggest events in Atlanta for children, teens, and young adults. The Bellas had already been to the fair twice, once for the rides and the other time to look at the exhibits and so Chloe wasn't sure exactly what they were going to do there. The fair was fun, but not for a third time.

They paid, Stacie wrapped an arm around her waist and started to pull her toward the beer garden.

Chloe gave her a grim smile and let herself be led.

Stacie didn't stop pulling until they were standing in front of the Bud Light's booth.

"Hi. Can we please have three talls?" She gave the man behind the booth a wide, glittering smile, the kind that sent men and a few women tripped over their feet to do whatever she asked.

Chloe wasn't exactly a fan of beer, especially not Bud Light but Stacie handed her the first tall plastic cup and she chugged it down to the halfway point before the other two had even been served. To her annoyance, the cold drink gave her a rush of pain to her head but did nothing to quench the angry fire in her.

Stacie watched her drink, seeming honestly impressed.

Chloe blinked up at her, unsure of exactly what she was looking at.

"Soooo…" Stacie turned back to the vendor. "I guess make that four."

Chloe gave a little burp and apologized.

They found a table not far from the booth that was only slightly filthy and the three sat.

"The thing is," she fumed, "she knows exactly why I haven't graduated yet. Exactly! And she said she understands." Chloe took another long drink.

"She does!" Jessica cooed, one hand coming to rest on Chloe's.

"She should be grateful! No one else can deal with her when she's like this. No one. There would be a mutiny if I left the Bellas!" Chloe saw Stacie and Jessica exchange small looks and knew that they were thinking that it was an excuse. Chloe moved right on, ignoring them. "And anyway, she's my best friend! She shouldn't talk to me like that!" She was roaring now and she didn't care. She was just so mad!

"What was she so mad about anyway?" Stacie asked.

Chloe drained the rest of her beer and, with a burp, started on the second, drinking down a third before she answered. "I don't know. But her dad called, so whatever horrible thing he had to say."

They both nodded knowingly.

"Asshole," Stacie muttered and Chloe had to agree.

She hated Beca's dad. She hated him because he had created this in Beca. And yes, she knew that this was Beca's fault too, but she hated the man who had started it. He had cut into her over and over again, just for being who she was until Beca had no choice but to learn how to survive. That was not what dads do. Someone should teach him about what dads were supposed to be like.

"So, that's it then?" Stacie asked carefully over the plastic rim of her cup. "Nothing else happening that Beca is being weird about?"

Chloe drained some more, avoiding their eyes. Instead, she focused entirely on a sign across the way, her eyes narrowed. She wasn't going to tell them about the night before, about the kissing and how she had woken this morning in Beca's arms and how that only made this sting more.

She was sure the Bellas knew, they all lived there too after all. Of all of them though, she knew Stacie knew. Sometimes when the making out got a little hot and heavy... or a little hot and grind-y, Chloe could be a little noisy. Beca could too. So Stacie and Flo, having the room right beside Chloe's were probably both completely aware of what was happening between them.

Chloe didn't answer Stacie. She didn't want to talk about the kissing, or how in the morning Beca sometimes – most of the time – got weird. There were a lot of things she didn't want to talk about. Like, how most of the mornings after they shared a bed Beca would be gone, or worst, the fact that when Beca didn't' disappear she would be hesitant or grumpy.

Chloe finished off her second beer.

That wasn't the point right now. The point was about how Beca had treated her. The rest... she would deal with another time.

Or maybe not.

Hours later and many, many Bud Light's later, they were drunk and Chloe was happy to be so. Stacie was the best company when you decided to get impromptu-day-drunk and Jessica, she wasn't sure she had ever hung out with her like this, minus Ashley and after a few drinks. She was silly and giggly. That was something Chloe already knew about Jessica, but without Ashley there to take her attention, Jessica had been a hoot.

The beer garden hadn't allowed any plastic cups to leave the area so the three of them had matched beer for beer, something Jessica had been surprisingly good at.

"Mmmkay." Stacie set her now empty cup on the table hard enough to make it collapse in on itself. Stacie paused, eyes wide and then tittered with laughter. "I pity the fool who messes with me!" She cried in a loud and bad Mr. T voice, flexing her honestly impressive guns. She then got distracted, trying to bring her lips to her biceps, instead of bringing her arms to her lips.

"Stacie!" Chloe cackled, reaching over and cupping her cheeks to hold her still. It didn't work, the floor suddenly too trippy and instead Chloe fell into her lap.

It only made Chloe and Stacie laugh harder.

"Guuuuuys!" Jessica yowled, her hand on her lower stomach. "Stop being funny, I have to gooooo!"

"Yes!" Chloe's arm shot straight up in the air, her pointer finger out. "Yes! Stacie! Staaaacie, Jessica has to peeeeee!"

A woman passing by the beer garden with a few kids looked at her scandalized.

Chloe hissed her laughter into her cupped hand.

That had been loud. She had been loud.

"Okay, okay, come on, aca-bitches."

Stacie stood, nearly dropping Chloe out of her lap.

"Oh snap!" She cried, catching herself just in time.

Stacie didn't seem to notice and arms thrown around one another they had wobbled and weaved their way out of the garden and into the fair at large.

Maneuvering through a crowd and trying to stay polite was a challenge. No one, it seemed, paid attention at the fair. Kids kept running into her legs or stopping for no reason in front of her.

She did her best not to step on them and kept pulling Stacie out of the way, as she seemed unaware of anything shorter than her mid stomach.

"See! Look at that! How am I supposed to pee in that!" Stacie yelled as they came up to another bathroom line that was overflowing with women. "And look at the guys! No one!"

"You're not supposed to pee in that!" Jessica scorned, wagging her finger drunkenly at Stacie. "You're supposed to wait in that and then pee inside the bathroom. Not in the line."

"Oh my god, Jessica, you're so drunk." Stacie let out a loud guffaw and pushed Jessica's face away, wobbling on her heels a bit. "I'ma use the men-ses."

"No!" Both Jessica and Chloe caught her before she had gone anywhere. Chloe knew without a doubt that Stacie would walk right on in, even when sober.

"They'll kick us out and we can't drive." Chloe insisted, holding tightly to Stacie's arm.

"Ow, muscle woman! Damn!" she pulled away and glared.

"I'm sorry," Chloe frowned. "But don't do it, maybe."

"I gotta goooo! And Jessica," Stacie remembered. "Whada bout poor Jessica too!"

"There's gotta be, there's gotta be one down there. Come on!" Chloe pulled on her arm, sure that somewhere in the fair there had to be a less full area. She had to go too. As a matter of fact, she was going to pop soon but she had no interest in a bathroom that busy. They were always gross and sweaty and smelled bad. "Come oon. Comeon,comeon."

Jessica giggled and drunkenly started singing the correlating Spice Girl's song, her fist pumping in the air. "Come on, come on! Come on, come on! Come on, come on, come on! I SAID!"

"Oh my god, you're so silly. I love it." Chloe giggled, wrapping her free arm around Jessica and pulling them forward. "Where's the beer place? I think we need more beers from the beer place."

Both Stacie and Jessica looked around baffled.

"I don't know where we are," Jessica admitted and they all cackled.

"Oh my god, guys look!" Stacie squealed and started to pull them off to the side. "Deep fried Oreos!"

"Noo, Stacie!" Chloe whined. Trying to hold Stacie back was like trying to hold a horse in place and she kept suddenly bolting one direction or the other, making the exercise very hard. "We haven't completed our mission yet! Remember our mission?"

"But it's deep-fried Oreos! Guys! They have mint Oreos!"

Chloe scowled, thinking that actually sounded horrible. "We have to go to the bathroom, remember. You gotta pee. See." She gave Stacie's lower belly a poke and Stacie crumpled over.

"Don't do that, I have to pee!"

"I know!" She cried right back. "That's why we'rea lookin' for it, remember?"

"Fine." She gave a pout and followed along until they saw the corn dog stand, and then the kettle corn stand, and then the hot dog on a stick stand, which Chloe was pretty sure was just a corn dog again.

"Guys, over here! Look, there's a sign and I don't see anyone!" Chloe triumphantly cried. The pressure in her bladder was becoming painful and if she didn't go soon she thought she might start to cry.

They all cheered and ran toward the bathroom, which was really more of a drunken shuffle.

"Noooo!" Jessica cried, pulling on the door. It was locked.

"Why the hell would it be locked?" Chloe cried, her legs crossed. "That's so stupid! How can anyone use it if it's locked! You can't get through locked doors!"

"Hey!" Stacie banged on the door with her fist. "Let us in! We gotta go!"

Somehow the door remained locked. "Okay. Come on ladies. Let's try over here." She pulled them around the corner and into a secluded patch of the fair. For a moment she blinked around, confused. Were they supposed to be there? Had they somehow found the backstage employee-only area?

"Whatever," she mumbled. She didn't really care. She had to find a bathroom or so help her.

"Fuck it," Stacie announced. "I'm gonna pop a squat."

"What?" Chloe frowned as Stacie looked around and then began to unbutton her jeans.

"Oh my god, Stacie! No!"

"I – have – to – pee, Chloe!"

"I know! I know, I know, but you're gonna get us kicked out!"

"What if someone sees you?" Jessica hummed, scandalized.

"I don't care! They'll get a good show! Maybe they'll be into that!"

"Just a little further! Come on, please!"

For a moment it seemed like Stacie wasn't going to budge and then with a growl she let Jessica pull her on.

They didn't walk far. They passed one empty booth and then another before Jessica let out an excited screech that sent Chloe's foggy head ringing.

"Bathroom?" She looked around.

"Guys! Oh my god, you guys, look!" Jessica dragged them, literally dragged them across the path. "Look! It's one of those old fortune teller machines!"

Nestled between a pitch-till-you-win booth and a patch of bushes was indeed one of those old-fashioned machines. A plaster man sat inside, his wide green eyes a toxic neon color that sent uncomfortable goosebumps down Chloe's skin.

"This is so cool! I've always wanted to find one of these."

The plaster man's hands were covering a crystal ball and just off to the right, above the quarter slot was a brass plate that read 'hand goes here'.

"Nooooo," Chloe frowned, pulling away from Jessica's arm.

"We have to make a wish! We have to!"

"I don't know," Chloe frowned. "Look at him!"

"He's so great!" Jessica giggled, making Chloe laugh herself.

Stacie, it seemed, didn't care about the treasure Jessica had just found. In fact, her hands were scrambling at the button of her very short shorts again. "Whatever, I gotta go. Comeon, Chlo."

"What?" She screeched, pulling away and into Jessica's body for protection.

"Come pee with me!"

Stacie never went to the bathroom alone when they were out, Chloe knew that. And at a club or a bar or the movies, Chloe usually went with her, happy for the company.

…But this was a bush.

"Ugh, you suck!" Stacie grumped and stomped off.

"Stacie!" Chloe cried, both mortified and amused as Stacie disappeared into the nearby bush. She and Jessica held tight to one another, giggling hysterically and jumping at shadows as they tried to make sure no one was coming.

"Oh god, guys! This is so gross! I am not the first one to do this!"

"Oh! Ew!"

"Oh shit!" Stacie yelped. "I almost fell over, oh ew-ew-ew-ew!"

"Do you have a quarter, Chloe?" Jessica asked, apparently done with the amusement of Stacie and her bush.

"That's so gross, Stacie!" Chloe groaned. She tried to feel for her pockets, only to realize her dress didn't have pockets. "Stace, you have a quarter?"

"Uh, a little busy here, Chlo!"

"I do, I do!" Jessica cried, digging in her purse as if she hadn't been the one to ask in the first place.

"God damn it!" The bush hiding Stacie cried. "Why is this so hard for girls? This is totally bullshit! Why can't we pee standing up?"

"Because that's messy!"

"They have that thing that girls can use," Jessica said, conversationally as she searched.

"What like a little dick?" Stacie asked.

"Yeah, or something, I don't know."

"This is such crap! Why is it that guys get to just pull it out and pee and we have to do this?" Stacie yelled, followed by another yip. "Guuuuuuys, I almost fell in it!"

"Oh ew!"

"I need a dick that I can screw on whenever I need it!"

"That's called a strap-on!" Jessica beamed and dropped a quarter into Chloe's hand.

"Oh my god, Jessica!" Chloe wailed, hugging her tightly.

"God DAMN IT!" Stacie yelled.

"What do I wish for?" Chloe asked, her teeth between her lip. In her state she had completely forgotten that it was Jessica who had asked for the quarter. As had Jessica.

"Wish we all had dicks! That way we all can pee!" Stacie grumbled, fighting her way out of the bushes.

Chloe snorted, tickled. "Okay! Okay, okay." She dropped the quarter into the machine and behind the creepy plaster man a light came on. "Do I just do it? So I just-"

"Put your hand here," Jessica instructed, pushing Chloe's hand against the brass plate.

"Okay!" Her bladder gave a fierce throb and she moaned a little. "Okay, okay, I wish we all had dicks for the night so we could go to the bathroom standing up!" Jessica and Stacie howled behind her, finding the whole thing hilarious. Chloe did too, laughing so hard she wasn't sure if she would be able to pull in a deep breath. Still, despite her laughter she couldn't help but to wonder, would Beca treat her different? She would. She was probably straight and that was probably the problem. What else could it be? If I had a dick, Chloe thought, then Beca would probably never leave before I woke up and would never be weird the next morning.

She gave a cry of pain as though the brass plate a sudden shock ripped through her palm, instantly deadening her fingers. "Ow!" She cried, looking to see if it had burned her.

"Your wish is granted." The creepy plaster man's head nodded and the ghostly voice issued from the machine.

All three froze, eyes wide and unsettled as they watched the light slowly go out. They were all silent, ghost pimples running up and down Chloe's arms as she stared.

Then Stacie inelegantly cupped herself. "Welp. That didn't work."

"Oh my god, Stacie!" she cried, the creepiness instantly forgotten.

"I guess if you two wanna pee we gotta find a bathroom."

"Damn." Jessica sighed.

"Come on you two," Stacie said, her smile much larger since her time in the bush and started to pull them back toward the light.

So...like I said, silly. Total and pure trash. But hopefully fun trash.

Check out AO3 for better formatting.

I'm going to TRY to get the next chapter out before the end of the weekend, but I make NO promises. The first person to insist I promised a chapter at a specific time or date has to share a bowl of Bumper's salty peas.