I can't. It hurts too much…

I just…want it to end.

I'm sorry…

"…going on a date after school, so I might not make home till later." I told mom while we sat down eating breakfast. Mom was getting ready to leave for work, only eating an apple and toast due to waking up a little later than usual. Dad was still laying in bed; he might be having one of his bad days.

Mom nodded. "Very well, just make sure to do your patrol before it gets dark. With Lung in custody the ABB and the Empire will be coming to blows soon. We need to cautious going forward."

I nodded my head absentmindedly, my mind on the other missing occupant.

Amy's been acting kind of weird lately, she's always been the quiet type but her usual sarcasm and snark have gone missing, which while a bit annoying was actually enduring in a way. I assume she and mom had a fight because they've been avoiding each other unless necessity demanded they interact. She's been spending so much time at the hospital that the first thing she does when she gets home is take a shower then sleep and she's usually the first one to leave for school too.

"I'm going to see what's taking Amy so long." I got from the table to head upstairs.

"Clean your plate before you do." Mom wasn't going to let me get away with that. I turned around and flashed her a grin that I was sure looked sincere.

"I was going to do that anyway."

Mom's only response was lifting a disbelieving eyebrow. Wish I could pull that off.

I grabbed the plate, washed it and headed upstairs. I reached Amy's door and knocked on it twice. I waited a few seconds but no answer. I knocked again louder this time.

"Amy, we're going to be late if we don't leave now and you know how mom gets when I use my powers if I don't have to." Still nothing. I swear if she's sleeping I'm leaving without her. I open the door.

"What's taking so lo-

I…I don't…what?

I know what I'm seeing but I don't know what I'm seeing.

Amy…slumped against her closet door with a white fabric around her neck, tied to the hook above her closet. It looks like she's just leaning on it, the fabric around her neck keeping her suspended against the door…but she's not.

Her skin…is so pale and her eyes…open but not seeing anything, no life can be found in them.

Someone is screaming.

It's me.

Someone barges in the room, I can't tell who. I'm on my knees now still screaming, tears running down my cheeks. I'm grabbed and they attempted to turn me away from the horror in front of me but my strength prevents that small mercy. They step in front of me instead, blocking the view of Amy's…corpse.

They started hugging me, I realize that it's Dad wrapping his arms around me, my face pressed against his chest screaming and sobbing. Before I can even think about returning it, my mind shuts down and I gladly embrace unconsciousness.

Could I have stopped this?

If I spent more time with her, told her I loved her or just stopped making her clean up my messes when I nearly kill some gang member.

I barely pay attention to Aunt Sarah's eulogy, or to Dean's arm around my shoulders. My eyes are still on Amy, her open casket allowing a view of the girl inside.

She looks so peaceful and relaxed in a way that she never was in life, there was always some tension, some great burden on her shoulders that I never asked about. I wished I had.

She was wearing a nice black dress that Amy would have probably hated to wear. It was decided to bury her as Amy and not Panacea, considering she strangled herself with a piece of her costume. If that's not symbolic for something I don't know what is.

My thoughts go to every interaction I had with her recently, trying to find a specific reason as to why. The problem is, it's hard to pick just one; The high stress environment in the hospital, a loveless home between a father that can't and a mother that won't. I'm pretty sure I'm her only friend, and even then I took advantage of her powers to cover up my recklessness, which certainly didn't help.

I do my best to avoid looking at mom, the expression on her face making me seething with a rage I didn't know I could direct at my family.

She was crying.

The kind of crying you try to hold in but only make worse by doing so. Her face was pressed into dad's shoulder while they embraced with Uncle Mike standing next to her.

The one time she shows compassion to Amy and it's at her fucking funeral. My mind is a cocktail of sorrow, grief, rage and confusion that I don't know if I want her to hug me or to scream at her that this is her fault.

It took everything in me to maintain my grip on my aura. I will not allow myself to defile my sister's memory by making this about me. Not here. Dean kissed my head providing the support I needed.

The car ride home was silent and uncomfortable, no one spoke even when we entered the house.

Mom and I seated ourselves on opposite sides of the sofa and dad went to take a shower then head to bed. Today was an especially bad day for him.

The awkward tension was suffocating, like it was trying to choke me with the words I'm trying to force out of my mouth. "Why…why were you…crying?" Through gritted teeth I managed to get the words out.

Mom didn't answer at first, just kept her head bowed and her hands tightly clenching each other. However, she soon answered. "Three days before she…before she was gone, she came home late from the hospital. I was frustrated at having lost a case that day so I…took it out on her." Tears started forming in her eyes. I kept silent.

"I reprimanded her on how irresponsible she was being-"

"Irresponsible?!" On this I couldn't keep quiet. "She was healing people! Saving more lives then the rest of New Wave ever could! Combined!" That seething rage was back. I almost let my aura wash over her, to make her feel something other than awe. But I wanted to know about what happened. Why Amy did what she did.

Mom cringed, which looked out of place on the usually confident woman. "I know, I know. But I wasn't thinking about that. I never did. Only just what she was doing wrong."

She took a shaky breath and continued. "When I was done I asked her if she had anything to say for herself. I realized how tired she looked just then, she didn't say anything for a few seconds, I was about ask h- to demand she answer me, that's when she asked if…if I loved her…or if I ever will love her."

"And you said no." I surprised myself with how cold and curt my tone was.

"I didn't say anything. Which was answer enough."

I sobbed into my hands, I was aware things between mom and Amy weren't great, a tension ever present when in a room together. But I believed it would have gotten better if I left it alone and never intervened. How I wished I had now.

"You should have loved her."

"I know."

"Why didn't you?"

"The reasons…the reasons don't matter. They never did. It wasn't about her but about me." Her voice was guilt-ridden. "I became a monster. Someone who should have loved her but never did. Never even tried to hide how she didn't."

All was silent. My brain trying to process just how fucked up my family really is. I stood up.

"I'm going to stay at Aunt Sarah's for awhile, I can't stay here." I headed to my room to grab my things.

Mom didn't try to stop me.

I stopped on the way to my room, my eyes drawn to Amy's bedroom door as I stood in front of it. I pressed my hand on it. "…I'm sorry Amy." I don't know everything that happened, or the struggles she must have gone through and I agonized over any part I might have played.

Glory Girl needs to step back, until Victoria can be better. Amy always told me I needed to have better self-control, just wish you didn't have to die for me to take it seriously.

I'll try and honor your memory Amy. I promise.

"Goodbye."