Chapter 1 - Friend Request
When I die, I'd like to be reborn in a video game.
Wait, let me clarify: I'd like to be reborn in video game that treats the protagonist in a satisfactory manner. Nothing like Outfast or Loud Plateau. I know the gods of facetiousness were licking their chops at that opportunity, so kindly back off.
Any reasonable person would agree that video games are superior to reality in every aspect. For example, how would most people handle a stressful day at school? They might hang out with friends, bury themselves in their studies; there are many suboptimal options. Me? I shout useless NPC's off mountains. What about those times you want to feel like a 'manly man?' Simply eat some mushrooms and save the princess. And if you're feeling nostalgic? Go brutalize some animals and stuff them in balls.
Any reasonable person would also agree that attempting any of the aforementioned actions in the real world would result in dire, irreversible consequences. Shooting up a strip club and fleeing in a stolen Bugatti is not a situation that would resolve itself after a few moments of obscurity. 'Whoopsies~! Tehepero!~' doesn't cut it either. I certainly don't want a cousin that calls every few minutes asking if I'd like to go bowling. Do people even go bowling anymore? Didn't that die with the Wee Bowling?
Most importantly though, video games can be enjoyed unaccompanied. No disagreeing on what movie to see, no last minute cancellations, no waiting around a couple hours after the agreed upon meeting time only to find out it was a joke... no hassles. I'd go as far to say that being alone is a prerequisite for enjoying yourself.
… Which is why I'm faced with the current predicament.
You have a friend request from: theQueenof10is
Who is this? What happened to other nine 'queens of tennis'?
My gut is telling me to click 'Decline.' I only have 297 more slots available on my friends list, and crowded lists quickly lose their functionality as organizational tools. It's probably some pathetic, 30 year old guy who hasn't been outside since the Big Bang patch. Declined.
"theQueenof10is: hey~ wanna play?~"
I definitely clicked 'Decline.' And act your age, please. It's not cute sending messages with squiggly lines at 40 years old. I better drown this kitten before it becomes bigger a problem.
"N0rmieh8tr: uh sure, just give me a moment"
I meant for that to be more firm.
"N0rmieh8tr: actually, do i know you?"
"theQueenof10is: ye! u kicked my ass last game :3 i was the mookong."
To be fair, Mr. 50 year old was a pretty decent player. Not completely brain dead. As for the people he was playing with… I hope hospitals are cognizant that holding children is not an innate parenting skill. Those people were definitely dropped at some point growing up.
"N0rmieh8tr: no offense, but i usually play alone"
"theQueenof10is: oh please~ this isnt your shower uwu"
My my, you're quite the lech, Grandpa. And what the heck is 'uwu?'
"N0rmieh8tr: so what do you do in the shower uwu?"
"theQueenof10is: gross! srsly gross! dont ask a girl something like that! :("
Your hypocrisy betrays the cutesy manner of your typing. So much for gender equality.
"N0rmieh8tr: my bad lets queue up"
"theQueenof10is: join voice~"
This'll be good.
"Hey."
I really need to get a new headset. The sound quality is getting unbearable. My birthday is coming up soon, though; maybe Mom and Dad can actually get me something this year. I'll just use earbuds for now.
"Hello? Is this working?"
Damn, why my earbuds are acting up, too? Do I even have anything else?
"N0rmieh8tr: one sec my headset isnt working"
"Eh? I think it's okay. Like, I just heard you say something about a birthday."
"You did?"
"Yeah, but you sound really far away."
"Right, one sec."
"…"
Code blue! Code blue! This is not a drill! Repeat, this is not a drill!
"Are you okay? It sounds like you're-"
Why is a girl playing this game!? This shit game! It's full of ragers and 12 year olds! Nitwits, halfwits, morons and idiots! Not girls! There's nothing even remotely feminine about it! If I were a girl, the only reason I'd play it would be to make money off of lonely virgins by streaming it online! 'Kyaa!~ Thyanks for the syubscription!' Or something like that!
"Uh… yeah. Just… uh… let's queue."
Two 'X' chromosomes. No big deal. You exchanged numbers with Orimoto last week. A pretty smooth operation if I say so myself. I've never seen her make a face like that around anyone else before, so just be yourself, stud!
"So, why are you called "normie hater?"
... I want to die.
"Uh... I don't… uh… get along that well with… uh…. other people."
"Obviously, you stutter way too much."
This bitch. What if I had a speech impediment? I bet you'd feel like a bitch, you bitch.
"... I bet people complain about your voice all the time."
"Huh!? That doesn't make any sense! This is how girls are supposed to sound, you virgin!"
So that's why she's not duoing with some challenger e-boy. She's one of those. People who act differently through text than they do in real life. Behind all the squiggly lines and silly faces, she's actually an extremely unpleasant person.
"I bet you have tons of friends IRL."
"More than you, virgin."
Why couldn't you have been an old man? This conversation isn't going anywhere soon. I need to retreat for now.
"Actually, it's… uh... getting late, so I'm gonna get off now. Catch you around… uh... sometime."
That's a lie, of course. It's the weekend: I'm playing until the sun comes up. I'm just not going to let her ruin my free time. Go explode, bitch. I prefer to play alone, anyways.
"[0:03] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): LOOOOOL"
"[0:10] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): did i hurt your feelings or something XD"
"[0:13] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): what a VIRGIN"
This is a pretty unlucky situation. One truly worthy of the phrase 'such misfortune!' I suppose it's better than a stubbed toe or something but unfortunate nonetheless. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts.
"[0:25] [All] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): gank our shin. the VIRGIN could use some action 2nite LOL"
"/mute all"
15 minutes. Just make it past 15 minutes without doing anything regrettable, and everything will be okay. You're still having fun. It's just a game. It's foolish to get angry over such a trivial thing.
"[0:30] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): Shin (Alive)"
"[0:30] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): Shin (Alive)"
"[0:31] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): Shin (Alive)"
"[0:31] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): Shin (Alive)"
"[0:32] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): Shin (Alive)"
"[0:32] theQueenof10is (Marvin III): Shin (Alive)"
14 days isn't really that long, is it? Just 2 weeks. Half a month. I have other games to play, and I could always make another account if things get carried away. I'm not even the one in the wrong here!
Victory!
theQueenof10is was the most honorable player on your team
I guess her attitude lends itself well to stabbing people with a lance. 17 kills is a bit much, though. I shouldn't have helped her that last fight. Go die, please.
"11:29 hey you werent complete trash!~"
… She didn't unfriend me. Also, does that squiggly line make it okay to say whatever you want?
"11:29 go die bitch~"
"11:30 DID YOU REALLY JUST SAY THAT?"
Tehepero!~ Maybe women are the only ones that can use it, like those mecha-themed light novels..
"11:30 i meant gg. you played really well"
"11:30 yeah but you saved me a couple times~ we had good synergy uwu"
Oh no, don't even ask. I won't say yes.
"11:31 i have to go now but will you be on tomorrow?~"
"11:31 yeah same time"
"11:31 k see you then~"
Finally, I can play in peace. Getting stuck with her was absolute torture. What kind of masochist would enjoy being around a girl like that? Maybe a deaf masochist! Heh, that's a pretty funny thought! I guess her messages were pretty cute, but she's sorely mistaken if she thinks we're playing again. No way I can put up with her bitchy attitude another night. Good riddance.
Add theQueenof10is to your block list?
"Huh!? That doesn't make any sense!"
"did i hurt your feelings or something XD"
"DID YOU REALLY JUST SAY THAT?"
"will you be on tomorrow?~"
"…"
I'll wait until tomorrow... One more game won't hurt.