I formatted this to mimic a play's script. 'Aside' means a character is speaking to the audience, and other characters cannot hear what he says.

*ENTER Kotomine Kirei*

Kirei [aside]: Dear readers, my name is Kotomine Kirei. Surely if you are here, you have watched at least one of the numerous fate instalments? I am a man rich in life experience, at numerous points of my life I was a Church executor, a magus' disciple, a murderer, a priest, and a guardian of the girl I orphaned. However, I died. Being the franchise's prime villain, it is inevitable that I died in all three routes. My adoptive brother, who is also the villain in a spin-off series, died too. Now I fulfil a different role, I am the guardian of Gacha. While players of Fate Grand Order are under the impression, or at least some of them are under the impression that what the Gacha spits out is completely random, let me tell you a little secret, it is patently false. I am the guardian of Gacha, I decide who comes to Chaldea and who does not, except welfare servants, because Delight Works is my boss.

*ENTER Altria Pendragon*

Kirei [aside]: Here comes an interviewee. Servants interested in helping Chaldea have to undergo an interview process, and of course I am the interviewer. If I think they do not pass the interview, they do not join, meaning they do not appear when you do your ten-roll or YOLO roll.

Altria: Kotomine Kirei! What are you doing here?

Kirei: Please sit down, Miss Altria Pendragon. I am Kotomine Kirei, you knew me in my previous life, but now I function as you interviewer, so please treat me as such. Now, before I officially commence the interview, allow me to confirm your first name is spelled as 'A-L-T-R-I-A'?

Altria: I beg your pardon? I prefer to spell my name as 'A-R-T-O-R-I-A' or 'A-R-T-U-R-I-A'.

Kirei: Unfortunately, Delight Works' decided to call you 'A-L-T-R-I-A', and hence I will be calling you 'Altria' from this point onward. First question, why do you want to join Chaldea?

Altria: Humanity is in danger, a hero must help, so here I am.

Kirei: Straightforward and honourable, as expected of you. However, do you know what Chaldea is like? Surely you would like to know your work environment?

Altria: Indeed I do not know what Chaldea is like, but this is an important mission I am determined to be involved in.

Kirei: Do you really not care what the work environment is like? What if your master is a cook even worse than Gawain? What if your master is a ruthless, unprincipled one like Emiya Kiritsugu? Servants in Chaldea are effectively Chaldea's employees, and an employee would be concerned about his welfare.

Altria: Servants are servants, Kotomine Kirei. We are instruments to be wielded to save humanity.

Kirei: But you have no concerns about what your master is like? At all?

Altria: Will my answer influence the outcome of the interview?

Kirei: Please simply answer truthfully, this interview is 100 percent confidential.

Altria: If it is to save humanity, I can stomach Gawain's cooking, I mean I had eaten plenty of such food in my Camelot days.

Kirei [aside]: How interesting, she neglected to mention her view if her master is like Emiya Kiritsugu.

Kirei: Well, I feel sympathy for you Altria Pendragon, for you have a tough road ahead of you.

Altria: Why do you say so?

Kirei: Well, the truth is I warn all female applicants about this…the Chaldea master is, for the lack of a better word, a man of appetite.

Altria: A man of appetite? Do you mean he eat a lot? Well, if he does not leave any food for me it would be troublesome.

Kirei: No, by that I mean he has a huge appetite for the female body. Every day he engages in intercourse with a female servant of his choosing. For your information, it is not consensual, the master has an infinite number of command seals as his seals regenerate every day. I know not why he engages in such wretched debauchery, I suspect it has to do with the stress of saving the world.

Kirei [aside]: The way her hopeful expression died brings unspeakable joy to my heart. My dear readers, lying should not be treated as simply a tool to deceive, but rather a tool of entertainment.

Kirei: I am particularly worried about you, Miss Pendragon, given that you seemed to be the master's 'type'. He has a preference for petite European blondes.

Altria: Why is such a vile man the master in charge of humanity's salvation?

Kirei: Unfortunately, he is Chaldea's only master candidate. His unique status makes him above the law. We do need him to save humanity, Miss Pendragon. If you want to know more about the master, I am willing to provide you details. Because, as I said, I am worried about you.

Altria: How do I know I can trust your words, Kotomine Kirei?

Kirei: I am a simple man, surely you know what makes me tick, given that your former master Emiya Shirou faced off with me. My heart flutters at sin, but my morality condemns it. It brings me no joy to see another man unleashing evil upon others, for I only feel joy if I personally commit the evil myself, or when I eat mapo tofu. As an interviewer, I am incapable of committing evil, since the process of interview itself is clinical and procedural, devoid of rights and wrongs. However, I do retain my morality as a human being, and therefore I feel compelled to warn you of potential hazards in Chaldea.

Altria: I see, then do tell me more about the master of Chaldea, I have to know more about that fiend.

Kirei: Sure, the master looks like Emiya Kiritsugu, but younger. Personality-wise, he is somewhat similar to Matou Shinji. In terms of how he dresses…I have interviewed your mentor Merlin before, and rejected him. The master seemed to have encountered Merlin in a singularity and was inspired by him, and now walks around Chaldea dressed like the Magus of Flowers, and proclaimed himself the greatest mage in the world for having bedded so many female heroic spirits. Wherever he goes he is always accompanied by child servants, who are ordered to scatter flower petals beneath his feet to mimic Merlin. Truly, he is a lowly duck that sees itself as a majestic dinosaur through a mirror.

Kirei [aside]: Dear readers, to make one's lies convincing, one should always sprinkle an element of truth to it.

Altria: You interviewed Merlin…wait, so the master is a rapist combination of Kiritsugu, Shinji and Merlin!?

Kirei [aside]: She fell for it! I blabbered one huge lie after another and she fell for them all—hook, line, and sinker!

Kirei: You summed up my point succinctly, Miss Pendragon. So do you still want to join Chaldea?

Altria: This master is very bad news, I can't believe humanity is dependent on something so vile, then all the more reason I must join!

Kirei: Even though the master will use you as a harlot? Sure, you will get to unleash your Excalibur every now and then to save humanity, but I suspect most of the time you will be using your body to satisfy his sexual urges. I must warn you he is into some pretty rough 'plays'.

Altria: I…I…

Kirei: I can tell you more about Chaldea, a certain Counter-Guardian is also there. Heroic spirit Emiya the Archer, you encountered him in the fifth war and he remembers you. I do believe joining Chaldea is the fastest, no, the only way you can reunite with Emiya Shirou.

Altria: I'll join!

Kirei: Even though the master, Kiritsugu, Shinji and Merlin blended into one monstrous entity, will use you as a harlot?

Altria: Shirou is there…I'll join. I have to save humanity!

Kirei [aside]: My dear readers, is this the power of love? Sadly this is something I will not understand.

Kirei: The master is a sadistic man, he likes to order other servants to watch his sex sessions. Most likely, he will order Emiya Shirou to watch while he ravishes you on bed. Even so, you will join Chaldea and endure this fate worse than death, to save humanity?

Altria: I…I…My decision remains. I will join Chaldea. I am raised a Knight, and I will always do what is right, just and chivalrous. My body of a woman's has always been a secondary concern at best. If this is what it takes to save humanity, I will endure all the humiliation and trauma.

Kirei [aside]: Here comes my punchline, dear readers!

Kirei: I know you will say that. How noble and valiant, such a self-sacrificing nature is the rarest virtue of them all. Indeed, you are just like that man…that man who bears all the sins to save the world…no wonder he managed to summon you, your mindset is just like that of Emiya Kiritsugu!

Kirei [aside]: She is speechless! Speechless! Oh dear readers, her anguished face is so beautiful. So beautiful! When this interview is done I am going to paint it out!

Kirei: Miss Altria Pendragon, one last question. Do you like mapo tofu?

Altria: …

Kirei: Miss Pendragon?

Altria: ...yes, mapo tofu? I…I don't see how this is related to my impending fate.

Kirei: This is the final question, please answer me.

Altria: Mapo tofu? I've never tasted anything so spicy before, but Shirou cooked it once and I have always enjoyed his cooking. So I suppose I like mapo tofu.

Kirei: Very well, your application to Chaldea is now approved! Yorokobe Seiba, kimi no negai wa youyaku kanau.

*HEROIC SPIRIT SUMMONED Altria Pendragon*

*EXEUNT OMNES*

I wrote this with the intention of giving it humourous undertones, but I suspect your mileage may vary on how funny you think Kirei messing with Saber is.

It is a long-standing joke that Kirei is secretly controlling FGO's gacha, so I figure it is about time someone write a fic about it.

Please review and I am open to suggestions for the next interviewee. Reviews indicate interest and I will consider continuing this idea which I came up with on a whim.