He looked peaceful when he was sleeping, he looked peaceful only when he was sleeping. Every time he was conscious there was worry in his eyes. Not always shown anywhere else on his face but in his eyes; eye to be more specific, he covered one most of the time. Not when he was sleeping though, then he seemed relaxed. Maybe it was only because she couldn't study his eyes and the emotions hidden within.

Her brows furrowed and she laid her head back on his chest. His steady breathing and the beat of his heart were soothing her. Still, it made her feel bad, she did not deserve this. All she ever wanted to do was to make it better, to ease the pain and worry. Sleeping next to him seemed to help, that's what he told her at least, she kept his nightmares away. And truth to be told, she never noticed him having an uneasy sleep. She should be happy about that. She was, to an extent. It was not enough though, she still hurt him more than she made him happy.

And what about the nights without her. When he left her for an unannounced time, wandering around in this large, brutal world. When she knew that nightmares haunted him. It was to protect the village, to protect her, that's what he told her every time he left. She didn't want to hear it.

What about the days he was so lost in his thoughts that he barely noticed anyone, barely noticed her watching him. When he was laying in the dirt, exhausted from training, staring into the sun. That's when he thought of the lives he took and the lives lost in the war, about his brother, about his lost clan. That's what he told her. She believed him, mostly.

But there was too much doubt in her, thinking that he might regret her as well. She hated herself for those thoughts, when she was alone but even more when she was right beside him, with his arm wrapped around her. He always said that he didn't deserve her, her kind nature, her care, her love. It was her though. She was the one who didn't deserve him, his loyalty, his attention, his love.

They had fought earlier. They fought about him leaving, about her coming with him, about their relationship no one knew about. She had screamed at him, that he didn't really love her. It had hurt him, she knew that, she wanted that. He should hurt the way she was hurting because he left again. After the war, after all this time together, he was still able to leave and he should suffer for it.

It was not right, she was aware. It made her feel like the worst, she knew she was the worst. She started crying after that, hated herself for breaking down in front of him again. She apologised, still sobbing and hiding her face.

He came up to her and hugged her, letting her hide her face in this coat.

I do though.

That's what he said. Of all the things he could say, of all the things he could do, he remained gentle. She did not deserve him. She sobbed an apology and another and another. He let it happen, stroking her hair. After a while she gathered enough courage to look up to him. There was the familiar expression in his eyes, worry. He had wiped away her tears and she had felt the knot in her stomach. Doubts. She was not enough for him, not good enough, he needed someone stronger. He needed someone that didn't break when he was leaving.

Why can't you stay, she had asked him.

He heard the same question over and over again. She heard the same answer just as often.

I can protect you better, when I don't stay here.

She did not deserve him. After all the terrible things she said the him, after all the petty things she has done trying to make him stay, he still only wanted the best for her.

He kissed her and she kissed him back. They lost their clothes and ended up in the same position they always did. He slept in peace and she worried. She worried through most of the night until she could the birds again, that was when she finally found an uneasy peace herself.

When she woke he was gone. He was gone again and she cried again. He had left her a note.

I need you to stay strong, I will come back soon.

With shaky fingers she pressed the note against her chest. She did not deserve him. She did not deserve him coming back for her. She did not deserve him spending his nights with her.

But here she was hoping he would come back soon, hoping it would not be the same, hoping that next time he would take her with him. Because after all she knew that the worry in his eyes was for her. That's what he told her. And she believed him, she believed him because she loved him.

Author's Note: It's been awhile since I last wrote a fanfiction, more than 5 years to be exact (and I have done basically only academic writing for a while now).

However, I thought I'd give it a go and see what I come up with (as a writing exercise and just for fun). To be honest, this story might be all over the place (I might continue this as a series of snippets).

Hope you enjoyed reading and I would love some feedback (as everybody does).

Lots of love.