Thoughts of a DI

It's coming up to the end of another long and tiring day; one that I will be glad to see the back of. I am sick to death of filling in the crime stats reports that the Superintendent has been pressuring me for all day. Today has been particularly busy and stressful, first with the obbo that I naively spent too much of the department's budget on, that amounted to nothing but a complete waste of time and then the Superintendent on my back about these reports, and none of that even goes into my personal problems, which started before I even left the house this morning. Having a full-blown argument with Philippa about the fact I'm hardly ever at home is the last thing I needed this morning when I was already running late.

Admittedly, part of the reason I'm never home is my own fault, as well as the long hours I'm putting in at the office, I've been spending a lot of my evenings recently with one of the newer PC's that I realised I was attracted to the first time I set eyes on her.

Stupid, probably; complete madness, definitely, but no matter how hard I tried to keep my distance and stay away from her, there is just something about her that keeps drawing me in.

If anybody ever found out about us, and the amount of time we have been spending together recently, we would be in big trouble; both personally and professionally. The risks I am taking don't even deserve thinking about, but no matter how wrong and dangerous I know this is, I just can't keep away.

I let out a sigh, annoyed with myself that I can't even get through a full day at work without thinking about her. I am dreading the day that someone finds out about our little affair; and I'm only lying to myself if I pretend no one will ever know because it's only a matter of time before someone cotton's on to the fact that she's up in my office more often than would be considered appropriate in relation to her rank; or the fact that I'm always calling her over for 'a word', in the corridors or canteen.

I don't even want to think about what I will do when that day comes. Realistically I should end things now before somebody does find out, but even though I know that's the right thing to do, I just can't bring myself to do it; can't bring myself to stay away from her, even for a few days.

My mind is in constant turmoil; tied between doing what's right and doing what my heart wants me to do. I honestly don't know when it was that I realised that it is more than an affair that we have going on between us; when I realised that my feelings for her are much stronger than even I ever thought they could be.

When I first started this relationship; it doesn't feel right calling it an affair because its way more than that, at least to me it is. I thought it would just be a short lived fling, a way to deal with the mutual attraction that I know we both feel; but over the past few months, my feelings towards her have grown to the point where I can't go for more than a few hours without thinking about her, worrying about her and I'm struggling more and more each day to not show it in front of our colleagues and friends.

I'm not stupid; I know we can't keep going on like this, keeping this big secret between us and sneaking around outside of work. Coming up with stupid excuses and lies to cover our tracks and hoping that we are not doing anything in public that would allow someone to guess what we've been up to.

The argument I had with Philippa this morning should have been a big red warning flag to me, but all it served to do was make me think about what I'm doing and who I'm choosing to spend my free time with.

Realising that with my thoughts on a certain Scottish brunette, I'm not going to get anywhere with these reports, I decide a break is in order. Getting up from my seat, I walk out of my office and down the stairs into the winding corridors. With no idea of where I'm going or even what I'm actually doing; I wonder aimlessly through the station, eventually winding up outside the female PC's locker room.

I hear voices and laughter from inside, and consider getting away from there as quickly as I can; that is until I hear 'her' voice, the voice belonging to the person I've been thinking about all day long. Pausing briefly, I stop to listen to what's being said. Eavesdropping is never a good thing, but I've been thinking about her all day and just want to hear more of her beautiful voice; at least that's what I tell myself. Somehow my unconscious brain has brought me straight to her, even though I told myself that I would keep my distance.

"I don't think he's that bad," her voice echo's through the slightly open doorway, and I wonder about who she's talking about.

"You must be mad then," I hear another voice say; PC Yvonne Hemingway by the sound of it; "He shouts at everyone, thinks we are all useless puppets that he can control and that's when he's in a good mood. When he's in a bad mood, it's best to keep as far away as you possibly can if you value your life. Last time I was helping up in CID, he had me making cups of tea, filing paperwork and basically acting like a glorified secretary. I dread being asked to go up there now."

I struggle to hide a smirk, realising they are talking about me and the way that I ride my team hard, pushing them above and beyond, knowing that the only way to get results is to work hard and stay focused. It's a shame I can't take my own advice. I continue to listen, curious to know what else they think of me.

"I swear he must sleep in the office most nights, he's here at the crack of dawn and I can't even name one time that he has left before I've knocked off, does he even know what relaxing and having fun means?" Yvonne continues her rant.

"He doesn't sleep in his office every night," the voice I love so much says, "A couple of times now, I've been up to drop some paperwork off and he's already gone home or I've seen him pulling out of the car park when I'm walking to my own car. I know he works longer hours than most of us, but I doubt he spends all his time at work."

I'm intrigued now, so I slip into an empty office that is close enough to still hear the conversation, but that will provide enough cover to hide my presence.

"If you are so certain he's not as bad as we think, then prove it. I'll bet you can't find a way to convince him to join us lot down the pub one of the nights this week. Just to see if he really is as bad out of work as he is at work."

I struggle to hide a laugh; Andrea is well aware of what I'm like when I'm out of the office, however I'm not really sure I want anyone else knowing how much of a soft heart I've got when I'm not so focused on the job.

"Alright," I hear Andrea say, "You're on; before the end of the week, I'll find a way to get him to join us at the pub."

I can almost hear the cogs ticking over in her mind, thinking up ways that she can get me to agree to join them for an evening. I am reluctant to let her win this one, it could put the nature of our relationship into the spotlight if I agree to join them, and that's definitely something we don't need at the moment; and yet at the same time, I am tempted to go along with their little plan, any excuse to spend more time with her without having to lie about it.

I almost reveal the fact that I've been eavesdropping on their conversation when I step out of my hiding place just as they leave the locker room, however I'm not willing to let her go home without at least getting to talk to her for a minute with the way she's been on my mind all day.

Trying to maintain our cover, I put on my professional act, calling out to her when they are a few feet in front of me. "PC Dunbar, did you finish off that report for me," I say loudly, causing them all to spin round and face me.

I see a small hint of a smile appear on her face before she manages to hide it and school her features into a professional mask. She looks at me blankly for a second, before she catches on to what I'm doing.

"It will be on your desk first thing in the morning," she replies carefully, watching me closely for any sign of what I'm really talking about.

"I need it finished tonight," I state, knowing that she will catch on to the fact that I want to talk to her alone for a few minutes.

I watch her friends give her a look, knowing they must be thinking that I'm a complete asshole. "Sir," she mumbles to me before turning and saying goodnight to her friends.

I wait for them to round the corner out of sight, before pulling Andrea into the unused office that I was hiding in a few minutes ago and closing the door behind us.

"Neil, what are you doing," she hisses at me, knowing that this whole thing is a big risk.

"I have been thinking about you all afternoon," I confess shyly, "and I couldn't let you go home without seeing you."

We look into each other's eyes, both sensing the danger, and yet lost in the strong feelings of attraction we have for each other. I can't resist any longer and pull her closer to me for a kiss.

She doesn't resist, melting into my arms and fusing our lips together passionately. I deepen the kiss, desperate to feel her against me, surprising myself with the intensity of my own attraction. I know this is wrong, but whenever I'm with her I feel so alive.

Eventually we part for air, our breathing laboured and coming in sharp gasps. We stay close together, our hands still pressed against each other's faces, caressing gently. I try to resist the urge to reconnect our lips, fighting against my own reactions. I can see from the look in her eyes, that I'm not the only one fighting this reaction, and that she too is using all her willpower to prevent us from letting this get out of control.

Feeling my willpower slipping, I decide to speak. "Let's get out of here," I say to her, knowing that we can't afford to let our guard down any more than we already have until we are away from the station and prying eyes.

We take a step apart, the distance sobering us up slightly. I check my pockets for my phone and keys, not wanting to have to spend the extra time going back to the office to retrieve them. I am pleased to find that I have got them with me, and with a quick glance around to ensure we haven't been noticed, we head out to the car park.

I quickly slide into my car, encouraging Andrea to hop into the passenger seat, and hoping no one is looking down from the upstairs windows. We pull out of the station, and into the streets of Sun Hill, an inexplicable, but completely rational urgency surrounding us.

We eventually pull up outside Andrea's block of flats, and it takes us virtually no time at all to exit the car and race up the stairs into the flat. We don't relax until we are inside, knowing this is one of the few places we are free from prying eyes. One of the places we can truly let our guard down and just go with our instincts; Instincts that lead us straight to the bedroom to return to where we left off in the empty office earlier.