Hey guys looks I'm not dead! And I'm here with... a new story. Again. I have no clue when my other stories are gonna get updated, but here's a crappy Tomarry fanfic I've been working on. So I posted this on Ao3 last night, and a lot of people are saying its a crack fic, and it's really not. It's not crack, it just has a lot of humor in it. Anyways, just thought I'd let you know.

I have an idea of where I'm going with this, but I don't know how long it'll be, or what's gonna happen, or almost anything. But here's the story.

It'd be great if you left a review or favorited or something, but you don't have to. Just a suggestion.

Have fun reading! - Tori (Vickironica)

Chapter Title : Things Have Gone Wonderfully Right (Or Horribly Wrong) -Voldemort

July 31, 1980

"Look, James! Twins!"

"I see them, Lily. They're- They're.. beautiful. I love them."

"Me too, James. What should we name them?"

"How about Daniel, for this one?"

"That sounds perfect. And you.."

He felt himself being cradled close by his mother, even if he was unable to open his eyes thanks to the sudden change in light, and his newly-born body.

"..You will be my little Harry."

…..

Hallowe'en, 1981

Lily knew Harry wasn't a normal child. In fact, he was already talking in coherent words at only over a year old, and had been for a while. The baby had also begun walking much sooner than most children would, including his twin brother, Daniel.

She knew the vibrant green of Harry's eyes shouldn't look as all-knowing, or as old as they do. They shouldn't look so distant and cold when Harry zones out, but they do.

She knew Harry shouldn't be able to do any form of magic, but that didn't stop him from summoning things across the room into his hand at a moment's notice, like he'd been doing it for years.

To be completely honest, Harry scared her sometimes. Lily was aware he wasn't just a baby, but they had gone into hiding and there was no way to figure out what exactly was wrong. She knew he wasn't a baby, and sometimes, with his dark green eyes that matched her own, but were still so different, she wondered if Harry was even human.

But, just like Lily had her worries about her son, she was still his mother. And for all the worrying she did, her love for the boy was unconditional. Harry got along with Daniel, who tried to follow Harry and be the second prodigy in the household.

For the most part, Danny, with his fiery red hair and soft brown eyes, was a very quick learner. If Harry learned how to do something, Danny would know the next day.

However, none of this explained why her little Harry was standing in front of his brother's crib, looking rightly determined to protect Danny from the threat in front of them. Harry was supposed to be sleeping soundly in his own crib, like his twin, instead of facing off against the darkest wizard of their time.

Voldemort.

Lily was petrified on the ground, unable to move, nor say a word. She had been forgotten as soon as she'd been beaten, luckily not tortured. But, she had a front row seat to the deaths of both her children, and was that not, in it's own way, torture? (Lily would take a thousand Crucios if it meant her kids would live.)

But despite her pleas to the heavens, Harry did not back down from the dark wizard, not that it would help. However, it might save him from being tortured before death.

So, the last thing she expected was for Harry to start speaking to the Dark Lord.

"Tom Marvolo Riddle!" Harry yelled in a deep tone, not one she'd ever heard him use before. His voice demanded attention and respect, radiating more power than she'd ever seen before.

The Dark Lord, to Lily's utmost surprise, flinched at the name, pointing his wand at little Harry like the one year old child was a threat.

"How do you know that name, brat?!" The insane wizard didn't even wait for an answer, just shooting curses at the baby in rapid succession.

Her child merely waved his hand, blocking all of the curses with the simple motion. She didn't even care how he did it, how he blocked all the curses, she was just so grateful, and she wanted to run over to him—both of her children—and hold them, and never let them go.

Lily didn't care about the stupid prophecy, destined to affect one of her children. She just wanted both of her children to be safe and happy. Was that really too much to ask?

Harry—her small son, only a babe—only glared at the Dark Lord, as if he was nothing more than a nuisance. And Lily couldn't find it in her to be surprised anymore, more focused on how utterly grateful she was that Harry was alive, even when Harry started hissing. He gave the foul wizard the same look he gives James, when the boy's father is being incredibly stupid.

She watched the Dark Lord hiss back, as if it physically pained him that he wasn't sending a curse instead. But—it's not possible—, were they speaking Parseltongue? But how would Harry, her little Harry, know Parseltongue?!

Lily remembers right then and there that Harry had never been a normal baby.

She vows at that moment to never forget it again.

…..

"~I will not allow you to harm my brother.~" Harry stated clearly, glaring threateningly at the Dark Lord he was so familiar with.

Voldemort hissed back. "~How is it you speak in Serpent Tongue?!~"

Harry took a small step forward, as much as he could in his small body. "~The prophecy will not come true if you don't do anything, Riddle. It is self-fulfilled.~"

"~What do you know of the prophecy?!~"

Harry wanted to sigh. For such a smart wizard, Tom could be incredibly stupid sometimes. "~It is not your concern, as I will kill you and all of your horcruxes if you touch my brother.~"

Voldemort hissed again, no words, just blatant hissing. Most likely, a jumble of incoherent swear words and spells. Finally, after almost a minute of slipping over his own (forked?) tongue, Voldemort regains his bearings, but not by much. "~How- How?! How do you know about any of this?!~"

And now Harry wanted to just go back to sleep, because this was tiring and completely unproductive for both of them. He yawned, vaguely answering with a dull tone. "~If I tell you I'm a god, will you leave?~"

Voldemort seemed to regard his answer for a few moments, leaving Harry to glare at him flatly while dealing with his indecisiveness. Eventually, not soon enough (in Harry's important opinion), the Dark Lord took a threatening step forward. "~Come with me.~"

Harry stared at him incredulously. He couldn't even be bothered to answer in Parseltongue. "Uh, no? Absolutely not. Why would I do something so stupid?"

Voldemort's anger spiked. Luckily (for him), the Dark Lord wasn't as stupid as he could've been, which would have been attacking. Instead, he tried to salvage the situation. "~I will leave your family alone if you come with me.~"

Harry, barely over a year old, raised a single eyebrow, pulling off the perfect doubtful face. "You know what? Fine. I'll come with you for however long you want, and you'll leave my family alone." He narrowed his eyes. "But touch my family andyou will pay."

Voldemort didn't respond, only smirked in his triumph. Harry doubted he would heed to warning.

The Dark Lord proceeded to hold his hand out for Harry to grab, most likely to apparate to his home or base or wherever. The small child gave the hand an appalled glare, trotting right past and ignoring the wizard.

Harry crouched in front of his mother, sending her a reassuring smile. "I am leaving for a while, Mother. I know it pains you, but please do not search for me, lest Riddle do something drastic."

Voldemort impatiently cleared his throat, with which Harry responded by casting a non-verbal Silencing Charm on him.

"Danny is the chosen one of the prophecy, but please keep Albus away from him. The old coot has plans for my brother- plans to manipulate him into the perfect pawn. He expects Danny to have a certain attribute—a mark, if you will—that I have prevented. He will use my disappearance against you to further my brother, using the excuse of 'For the Greater Good'. If Daniel goes down this path, he will die."

Harry paused, making sure his serious tone was understood. His mother's eyes were full of fear, but determination as well.

"As a precaution, I have made sure you cannot leak this information. If Dumbledore finds out you know, he will kill you. He will set it up so you are a casualty of the war, furthering Daniel to act out the prophecy. Try to avoid eye contact, as he is a Legilimens, and has no problem probing through your mind."

Harry glanced back to find Voldemort trying to counter the silencing spell, failing, and was a mix of both annoyed and intrigued.

"I do not know when I will be back, but I will be going to Hogwarts with my brother, no matter Riddle's wishes. I am aware you know I'm not a normal child, if this conversation is anything to go by. But, even knowing something was off, you still love me unconditionally, and for that, I thank you. When I return, I will tell you what I am, but for now, I ask that you trust that I will be alright. Please reassure Dad that I am fine, along with Siri and Remmy. Moony misses you guys a lot, but feels he should have expected his friends to leave him. After all, who could trust a werewolf?"

Harry cocked his head to the side.

"Pettigrew was the real traitor. Though, you should know that, seeing as he was the Secret Keeper. That reminds me, no matter what, do not let Sirius leave the house tonight. Once he learns of Pettigrew's betrayal, he will leave the house for revenge. Peter will escape, and Sirius will be blamed for killing multiple muggles and put in Azkaban without a trial, courtesy of Dumbledore."

The child leans down, planting a kiss on his mother's forehead. "I love you, along with Dad and Danny and Sirius and Remmy, too. Please heed my warnings and be safe."

Harry leans back, walking over to where Voldemort was impatiently waiting, a scowl on his face and arms crossed. (Riddle gave up rather quickly on the curse, Harry mused.) He gives his mother one last glance. "And one last thing, Snape is a terrible person, but make Dad get rid of the life debt."

…..

Harry takes Voldemort's hand, and as they apparate away (breaking the wards), Lily finds herself able to move again. The first thing she does, after making sure her little Daniel is alright, is break down on the floor and cry. She doesn't know if it's because of happiness that her children survived, or if it's from the sadness of losing one of her sons.

By the end of the night, after dealing with everything else, Lily thinks it was from both.

…..

"Tell me all you know." Voldemort demanded as soon as they touched ground… wherever they were. Probably Riddle Manor, from the looks of it.

They're in a fairly large room, with dark green and cream colored walls, and a couple pictures of random items or places. There's a table surrounded by two couches and a single recliner chair, with both books and papers stacked on it. Around them, there are several bookshelves, but from Harry's quick glance, it's nothing he hasn't read before.

Instead of catering to the Dark Lord's every demand like everybody else, Harry, in all his year-old glory, crosses his arms. "No."

"You dare defy me, child?!" Voldemort all but screeched, reminding the boy faintly of someone he used to know, who may or may not go by the name of Bellatrix Lestrange.

"Uh, yeah, I do." Harry answers simply, raising an eyebrow at the elder wizard. "There's no possible way for you to learn anything from me, no matter how you try, unless I willingly give you the information."

Voldemort's eyes flared with a controlled anger. "Obviously, I mistook you for someone smarter, despite your puny body. You will be begging to tell me everything you know within two minutes under the torture I will inflict upon you!"

Harry sighed, clearly not impressed. "Well? Do your worst."

Voldemort paused, caught off guard by the boy's nonchalant attitude.

"Get on with it, already. Or are you just going to stand there all day?" The child faked a yawn, slightly wondering if a vein was going to pop in Voldemort's head, like it does in anime.

Sadly for Harry's curiosity, it didn't. Instead, the Dark Lord pointed his wand and yelled "Crucio!"

The spell fizzled out before it touched Harry.

"Wha- But how?! Tell me!" Voldemort commanded the young child.

"Right, listen." Harry started, giving the elder wizard a bored look. "I'm only telling you this so you don't drive me insane pestering me about it. Not that it'll do any good… Anyways, here's the deal. Are you listening?"

"You are not in a position to make demands of me, child." Voldemort sneered.

Harry only smirked, pulling it off quite well for only being fifteen months old. "Ah, but that's where you're wrong~! The short version is: I'm Master of Death and have conquered, or 'killed', you in a previous lifetime, rendering you unable to harm me, no matter how you may try. Though I am quite curious to see what, exactly, you'll try.."

…..

"Albus, what do we do?!" James asked, desperate to get his son back.

It had been over two years (two years and two months, to be precise) since little Harry had disappeared, and Albus was running out of ideas to try. He had never expected Tom to kidnap one of the children.. Perhaps Tom was raising Harry as a minion, thinking that the Potters would never be able to hurt, or kill, their own child.

Albus was more surprised that Voldemort was able to raise a child in the first place. Most likely, he had some of his Death Eaters tasked with raising Harry. For Tom to raise a child, he would have to show restraint on his anger, lest he kill the child.

Most people had given up searching for the Potter twin, simply because it had been two years, and it was easy to assume to child was dead. Albus, however, knew differently. He had placed discreet spells on all three of the prophecy children, since he had no way of telling which the Dark Lord would choose until he did. In fact, he still did not know, but he would have to guess it was Harry, from the way things went.

James was unhelpful in the confirmation, since he was stunned downstairs during the attack. Lily, however, was an entirely different story.

She said she had a perfect view of the whole ordeal, having been stunned in the doorway. She told Albus that she heard Harry say the name "Tom Marvolo Riddle" and then start hissing a bunch, but no, that would be impossible… For a child to know Voldemort's true name, and speak Parseltongue nonetheless.

Lily said they had spoken in that tongue for a while, and for some reason, without Voldemort cursing the child even once, until the very end with another stunner. He apparated with Harry in his arms, which was the last anybody had heard from Voldemort since then.

Once they had disappeared, Sirius came bounding in, ready for revenge on Pettigrew, but Lily stopped him from leaving the house that night.

All of that added up, somehow, but what was strange was how Lily did not seem to mind that her child was missing. She had not been frantically worrying about his well-being, like James, Sirius, and Remus. (Lily had been rather insistent they apologize and rekindle their friendship with the werewolf.) Rather, she took care of Daniel like nothing was wrong.

Another thing was how she refused to show her memories in a pensieve. Lily said Voldemort must've messed with her head, somehow, making her unable to show the conversation to anybody. Which turned out truer than Albus would have liked, once he learned that he could not watch the memory through discreet legilimency. It was as if it was blocked off from the outside world, put in its own occlumency shield. Albus had never heard of magic like that, but he supposed Tom was quite smart in some aspects. Sadly, not the right ones…

What Albus found the most strange, though, was how Lily seemed to be avoiding him. She almost always finds an excuse to dodge and evade him, no matter what the Headmaster insisted. If there was one things Gryffindors were known for, it was their stubborn personality.

However, even when avoiding him, she was very discreet about it. Albus wouldn't have noticed if he weren't watching for it. He was rarely let near Daniel without Lily around, who had matured very quickly for his age.

Daniel could do little bursts of accidental magic almost at will, like summoning a toy from across the room. When he asked James about it, he said that Danny had always tried to copy Harry, when he was here…

Albus asked about Harry. James and Sirius both told him that Harry was—had been—a prodigy. He had been walking and even talking before that Halloween night, along with doing quite a bit of accidental magic. Albus asked carefully, as to not arouse suspicion, why he had never been told about Harry's talents, or at least, not to that extent. James had replied with a shrug, "I guess we just forgot to mention it."

Albus didn't believe that for one minute; something deeper, darker, was going on in that house, and he was going to find out what. It obviously had something to do with Harry, who was now in the Dark Lord's clutches. What had Tom seen in the boy? Did he kidnap him just because Harry could apparently speak Parseltongue (which is enough reason itself), because of the boy's magic powers, how Harry had yelled Voldemort's real name (information not well-known), or was it because he was a Potter and intended to raise him as a Death Eater?

"We'll think of something, my boy. Let us just hope Voldemort hasn't done too much damage by the time we get him back.." Albus hoped that was true. Harry had an important role to live up to, and somebody's youngest years are their most impressionable.

…..

Six Months into the Kidnapping

"Oi, Voldy, come here!" Harry yelled from a different room, snickering under his breath.

"What do you want you infernal child?! Are you finally ready to tell m- AGH-" Voldemort walked through the doorway, right into Harry's trap.

Harry had put saran wrap in the doorway, which Voldemort ran right into. The 'most evil dark lord of their time' fell on the floor, tangled in the product of his prank.

After a few months of trying out every possible torture method he could think of, Voldemort had given up trying to force it out of him, realizing it was pointless. Instead, he was trying to annoy it out of Harry, though the man denied it to the moon and back, saying it was 'tactical persuasion'. Harry was sure he would've tried being nice, if he weren't resident Dark Lord and didn't have a single nice bone in his body… The fact that Harry kept doing small pranks probably didn't help. But to be fair, Harry only did the pranks when Voldemort tried to annoy the answers out of him. Which was.. daily.

Right now, though, Harry was laughing on the floor, clutching his stomach from laughing so hard. Harry was sure he was gonna die from how hard he was laughing. Even while laughing, he still found enough breath to say "He needs some milk," sending the child into another bout of laughing.

Finally, after a few moments of flailing under the saran wrap, Voldemort freed himself. "Potter! I told you to cease these stupid pranks!"

Harry stood up, putting his hands on his hips. "And I told you not to annoy me about information."

"Where did you even get this?! This is a muggle product!"

Harry shrugged, feigning innocence. "I dunno. A grocery store?"

"What is a grocery store? Wait- you never left the manor! My wards would've told me!"

"Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. Your wards are useless against me." Harry replied.

And, of course, upon gaining new information, Voldemort whips out his handy-dandy (muggle) notebook he carries around, to write any new information he learns about Harry in. Harry hears him mutter under his breath, "Wards.. are.. ineffective.."

He keeps the notebook open, glancing from the paper to Harry. "And what did you mean by 'He needs some milk'? What would falling have to do with milk? Is there a falling spell that is countered by milk?"

Harry tries to hold back a laugh, but fails. "Right, I'm answering this only because that was the funniest thing I've heard, and you'll hate the answer. It's a muggle vine."

"What is a vine? You don't mean the plants? What does that have to do with milk?"

Harry sighed. "Vines are basically video clips that have turned into memes by being popular."

"Potter?"

Harry glanced up, just to see Voldemort scribbling down in the notebook again. "Yes?"

"What are.. memes?"

…..

One Year and Four Months into the Kidnapping

"What book are you reading?" Voldemort sat in the chair across from Harry, opening his own book. They were in the library in the Riddle Manor, so Voldemort knew all of the books here.. except the one Harry had. He had learned, by now, that if he tries to sneak a peek at Harry's books, even only the cover, Harry would vanish it to Merlin-knows-where. It was hard to remember the boy was only two and a half years old, even considering his size and looks.

"Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. American Edition." Harry replied, flipping a page nonchalantly.

Voldemort's interest was piqued, but he kept his eyes on his own book. "What, really? What's it about?"

"My first year at Hogwarts back in a different life."

He risked a glance up. "Can I read it?"

"No."

Voldemort looked back down at his own book, barely put off by the answer. He hadn't expected anything different in the first place.

…..

One Year and Ten Months into the Kidnapping

"Potter, what in the name of Merlin is that." Voldemort asked.. Or stated? It was in the form of a question, but it didn't come out that way.

Harry ignored him. The boy was laying on the floor in his room on his stomach, kicking his legs back and looking at a glowing screen. He had something in his ears that was blocking sound, it looked like, that was plugged into the screen.

"Potter."

"POTTER."

Harry finally noticed the impatient Dark Lord, glancing over, then taking out one of the things in his ears. "Hm?"

"What in the name of Merlin is that?!" He asked again.

Harry glanced at his screen, tapping on it, then looking back over. "I'd show you, but you really won't like it. Or maybe you would. I dunno."

"Is this like those 'memes' you told me about?"

"This is worse."

"I doubt it can be worse than the time you snuck into my Death Eater meeting and starting ranting off a bunch of your 'vines'." Voldemort put a hand on his hip, disbelief lacing his words.

Harry grinned. "Ah, I remember that. That was fun. Two of your Death Eaters started fighting under their breath while you were busy with something, so I started saying 'Can I get a waffle? Can I please get a waffle?" I doubt half the people there know what a waffle is."

"Yes, and nobody knew you were there, either. We all just heard a voice talking about waffles."

"I think I gave at least two of them heart attacks; they were so on edge the rest of the meeting."

Voldemort sighed. "And then you had the audacity to mutter things in my ear the rest of the time. One of them told me about the casualties of an attack, and you whispered 'When will you learn, when will you learn that your actions have consequences!' in an increasingly high pitched voice."

"Hey, it made you laugh!"

"I know and I regret it."

Harry snickered at his pain. "Anyways, this," he gestured to his electric thing, "is definitely a lot worse."

"Is it magic?" Voldemort questioned, looking suspicious, and rightfully so.

"Nope! It's muggle technology. This is a tablet. Won't be created for another two or three decades, if things stay the same. But that's not the point." Harry looked at Voldemort, a serious look in his eye. "Are you sure you'll be able to handle it? I know you are aware of what muggles are capable of, out of anybody."

The Dark Lord looked wary, but determined. "Show me."

Harry would let him off the hook this one time for ordering him around, because Voldemort was going to suffer enough anyways.

"Well, Voldy," He received a smirk. "Get ready for Potter. Puppet. Pals."