The drive home was like the way to the station, mostly quiet. Hank would glance from time to time at Connor who was looking thru the window beside him. Except the tiny jerks of his head, he was so still that Hank thought for a moment he had passed out or something. Couse, damn, he did look exhausted. The bruise on the back of his head that had just started to heal too looked now almost as bad as it had before. The image of him slamming his head against the wall was still on Hank's mind and would probably be that for a good while, even Gavin had been lost of what to do, he had looked clearly nervous and even worried, something Hank never would have expected to see. He maybe wasn't that big of a jerk after all. Hank had seen people having panic attacks before, some had gone through same awful things as Connor. He himself has had a few after Cole's passing. But he could only imagine the fear and panic Connor felt when he experienced them.
When they finally got home and Connor tried to stand he immediately felt dizziness wash over him and he was still shaking, Hank walked over, had to help and steady him as they made their way towards the door, which wasn't that much of a struggle thanks to Connor's surprisingly light weight that leaned against him. But Connor still felt guilty, Hank looked tired as well and Connor knew it must be because of him, he hadn't meant to be such a burden to him lately, couldn't even walk on his own, but was mostly angry at himself because he had destroyed everything just because he had to have one of those… episodes. His hand gripped into his jacket, clung to him just like he had done when he had come home that night. A soft wheezing sound came from him as he tried to say something. Hank glanced down at him, saw how he tried to form the words "Sorry". Hank sighed. The kid had really started to act like a kid now, he couldn't blame him thought.
-Kid, just stop. You haven't done anything." He said as he gave him a look to quiet him. He fell silent again almost immediately.
-Let us just get the fuck inside and sit down, you look like shit." Hank continued with brutal honesty. Connor would have laughed if it had been under other circumstances. Once they got inside, it didn't take long for Connor to get comfortable in the living room and Hank found him holding Sumo close, hid his face into his fur.
They all three spent the next hour together in the comfort of their home and Connor felt better just by being home again, away from all noise and everything else, trying to forget what happened before. With his family. Yes, that's what Connor would call it. Before he had become deviant and got to stay with Hank, things like family hadn't really mattered, he was made and trained to complete missions, nothing else. Never felt the need to be liked or appreciated, he was just a machine after all. But things were now different, and he had slowly gotten used to live with them. The thought that they were a family had been a both new and… a happy surprise for him, he didn't fully know what to think about it. He would think about Kara and the little girl Alice, how they wanted to be together and make a family of their own. He thought about Markus and Simon together, the two Traci's at the Eden Club, how they all had something in common, they wanted to be together. Some by romantic love and some by family bond. He knew now that even back then, he had felt something deep inside of him when he saw this, even when it had confused him. It was love. Love and family. After the revolution, something always told Connor that Hank was more than a friend and partner to him, realized how clingy he had gotten around him these past few days, wanted him near, felt a sudden need to have him close and felt safe when he was there, wanted him to hold him close. He hadn't felt like that for anyone before. It was weird but somehow felt natural and… nice.
"You are my friend, my son. Nothing will change that."
It wasn't unusual for him to call him "Son", he has done it before, like when they had been on a mission and Connor had done a good job and Hank would sometimes ruffle his hair and say:
-Great job, Son."
Connor had even referred him as "Dad" a few times. At first when he had called him it had been by "accident" but then the name would just suddenly come from his mouth like nothing, as if it was normal. The very first time he had called him that, Hank had gone silent for a second, it was as if his life flashed before his eyes and Connor had been quick to apologise. Hank had smiled faintly.
-No need, Connor. I was just… thinking."
Connor could never replace Cole, they both knew this. He wasn't supposed to replace someone, he was the one to get replaced, not the opposite. But the warm feeling has always been there anyway, and he felt he could relax around him, knowing he was safe and with someone who cared.
Even Hank had realized how much Connor really meant to him.
Sometime later that day Markus arrived with a bag of the tools that were needed and the bicomponent for Connor. He had come there alone, knew it would only cause more stress for Connor if more people crowded him. They others had even asked if they should come with and he had calmly said he would be ok on his own and would be careful. He hasn't told anyone about what really happened to Connor, he wasn't the one to tell it. Connor would hopefully do it once he got better, but for now it was just between them. Some of the other androids seemed to have an idea of what happened but didn't say anything, didn't want to suspect something that maybe wasn't true. Simon and Josh were understanding and didn't push further into it, North on the other hand wanted answers, wanted to know what he wasn't telling them. But when she realized she wasn't going to get a full answer, she didn't pressure it. But Markus could clearly see in her eyes she wanted to know what was going on, she had also seen how upset Markus had seemed when he had gotten home from Hank and Connor when he found everything out. She was normally hard to read but she seemed worried over Connor as well.
Markus had been careful on his way to the house, looking around from time to time for danger. Even if it was not that late yet you could never be too careful. Markus slight tension calmed, however, once he stepped inside the house again. Connor was in the living room, this time with Sumo that was laying curled up beside him, almost didn't fit in the small couch, with his head on his lap. He lifted it once Markus stepped in but laid down again when he saw who it was. Connor looked a little better but far from alright. His hair wasn't as messy and the towel that had been around his neck was gone, but he still looked tired and slow in his movements. But what made Markus really frown was that thought that the scratch marks on his arms and wrists were almost gone, his head had been even more damaged, a few more of his sensors broken, had been hit against something hard, likely self-inflected as well. The thought made something inside Markus drop. Connor looked up at him, his eyes was slightly unfocused, the slight jerking of his head was still there, he reminded him of Ralph when he did that. It was shocking that Connor was still functioning and even aware of anything by now. Markus still managed to give him a warm smile while he set his bag down.
-Hi, Connor. How are you feeling?"
"I'm fine, thank you."
He wrote down. Markus nodded but clearly wasn't convinced, he looked into his eyes carefully.
-You sure you're alright?"
His friend now looked unsure of what to answer and looked down. Markus glanced towards the bruise on his head again.
-You're still in pain and more damaged. Further harm has been inflected to your head." Markus stated calmly but he could still hear the worry in his own voice, Connor still didn't answer, his fingers twitched.
-Connor?" Connor returned his gaze towards him again.
-Did you do it? Did you harm yourself?"
A nod.
-Intentionally?"
Connor froze, his stress levels raised slightly as he was in thought. He had barely been conscious when he had done it, but it had surely felt like he knew what he was doing, remembered the need to just die, get away somehow. Markus was about to say something else when Connor wrote down something again.
"I don't know. I just wanted it to stop."
-Make what stop, Connor?"
"Everything."
One simple word with more meaning to it than Markus could have thought.
-I-I can hardly imagine what you are going through and what you feel, but dying isn't the solution. The things they said and did to you was wrong and the words will be there for some time even when it's over but… you aren't what they, He said."
-He's right, kid." Hank said softly.
Then he didn't want to feel or react to anything. He just couldn't stand this. Didn't understand everyone's worries, didn't understand their sudden need and tries to fix him when they could just replace him, make him to not feel. But a part of him told him that that would just upset Hank, and he didn't want to upset him. He just wanted things to be normal, didn't want to be a burden, didn't want help, didn't want people to worry and be so upset. He was just… a thing. Why were things suddenly so… complicated? He barely knew himself anymore.
His head started to hurt, and he felt a knot form painfully inside him. The looks Markus and Hank gave him were calm but more serious than he has ever seen them. He knew he should believe their words, but another part of him told him that wasn't the case. He hadn't realized he started to shake again until he heard Markus again.
-Connor, can you still hear me? Can I come closer?"
When Connor nodded again, he went over to his side and knelt down on one but made no move to touch him.
-It's alright. I know you're scared." He said softly "It's ok to feel like this, you don't mean less to us just because of it. Me, Hank and all the other are worried because we care about you. You do matter to us, more than you could ever think."
As he spoke, relief filled him when Connor's stress levels lowered to 20% and his shaking subsided a little.
-Look, I have brought the right things to fix you. I can make it stop hurting. But… fixing your voice could be a little difficult to do and it is a big risk it could hurt you even more. If something goes wrong I…"
Connor knew what he meant by that. He wouldn't be able to speak again unless he asked Cyperlife for help. But he trusted him. He looked up at him and let his hand touch his arm calmly, his expression told Markus what he needed to know.
"It's ok. I trust you."
Markus gently held into his hand in response.
-Thank you, friend. Do you want to be asleep while I do this?" he asked gently even if he knew the answer "Hank will be here as well if something happens." Connor nodded. He was tired and didn't want to be awake when Markus would touch him and risk to panic again, even if he knew he would never intentionally hurt him. He didn't want any of his "nightmares" either, but he had no other option. He let Markus move over carefully to touch his LED and he fell almost instantly into rest mode. Sumo jumped aside so Markus could start fixing Connor.
-What happened before he started to hurt himself, Anderson?" he asked while he was working.
-We caught two off the bastards that has been around, despite I tried to tell him we should get home instead, and he was pretty much alright at first. But as I interviewed them, Connor started to panic and when I got out to see what was going on, he was panicking, trying to smash his head against the wall and the others were freaking out."
-Did the abusers say something to stress him like that?"
-They said some shit, yes…" Hank said, danger in his voice as he thought back at what the boy had said, wished he really had beaten him and his friend into a pulp just like they did to the other androids. "Said their friend Kaden was gonna kill him and… you, and that he was just a toy and shit."
Markus bit his lip, felt anger over hearing those words. They, mostly Kaden, had done this, hurt Connor and more of Markus's people as if it was some kind of sport. Enjoying it. Even now, Kaden was taunting Connor mentally. Markus has never felt this much hate for a human in a while. He knew Connor was also blaming himself for his escape, making everything even worse. He knew Connor could be stubborn and wanted to make things right despite what everyone said. That was both the bad and good with him, Hank surely knew this even better than Markus since he was always with him. It would take time for Connor to recover from this and Markus promised if Connor needed help, he and the others would always be there for him.
In the middle of his working, Connor started to move slightly in discomfort and his hand gripped into the sofa, as if he was dreaming something. Markus put a hand on his shoulder to try and keep him still. If Connor moved too much, everything would end badly. Before Markus got time to call Hank over, he was by Connor's side as well in an instant, even if his knees hurt slightly in protest as he knelt down to the floor. He took Connor's hand and held it while he spoke calmly to him, Markus tried to not get distracted by this and the soft whimpers that escaped Connor. But after some seconds that felt like long minutes, Connor went still again but Hank stayed where he was.
-How long will this take?" he asked with a low voice.
-More than an hour I would believe." Markus answered, to which Hank nodded. "You're ok to stay with him?" his voice held slight concern, he could see that Hank was tired. But Hank's protectiveness was stronger. He wouldn't be able to sleep anyway.
-Yeah, I stay right here." He answered confidently, kept his eyes on Connor. His friend, his partner, his son.
"You will be alright, Son. Just hold on."
He thought, hoped it would somehow reach to him.
It eventually turned dark outside, the house was quiet, only Sumo who would walk about to get food and the small, low talks from Markus and Hank could be heard. Hank had put one of the chairs from the kitchen beside the couch Connor was in, being close in case Connor needed him but also made room for Markus so he could work more easily. Connor was completely still, looked more peaceful than Hank has ever seen him after what had happened. Markus was nearly done now. Everything had worked out better than he had expected when he had fixed the minor injuries. He was as careful as he could when he replaced his voice box, even if it seemed to be working, he was still worried. And seeing Hank being worried over Connor as well made the feeling grow.
What if something went wrong? What if he did something wrong?
Markus sure have been insecure over things before, this was one of the worst times. But Hank and Connor trusted him. He took a few, silent breaths to control his slightly vibrating hands. Hank had to look away with a low curse as Markus replaced the voice box with little incident. Everything turned silent again once he was finished, painfully silent and they could just wait for the young android to wake up.
Finally, a small, raspy voice broke the silence. It was barely heard but still reached Markus, Hank and Sumo, making them turn their heads towards the owner of the voice.
-Hank…"
-Connor." Hank said back. Dazed brown eyes looked back at him, watery by tears. Hank knelt down again to get closer. Connor repeated his name and Hank gave him a small smile, as if Connor had been a human child that had just said his first words.
-Yes, Connor. It's me." He said.
-Are you feeling alright?" Markus asked as he put a hand on Connor's arm, so carefully, as if Connor would break any second "Does it hurt?"
-N-no… thank you…" he replied, barely above a whisper. Markus gave a nod. When Connor weakly reached for Hank, he immediately hugged him close.
-Dad." He heard Connor softly whimper against him as he sniffled, finally being able to say it with words.
-I'm here, son. I'm here." Hank mumbled while his son desperately held into him. Sumo went over as well and snuggled them. Markus walked aside to give them some space, felt a warm feeling spread inside him and gave a small smile towards the small family before him.
Connor was going to be fine.
Everything was going to be alright, eventually.