Author's Note: I'm going to come clean right here, right now. I started this story once before, as a homage to the series New Girl - but it was a Twilight fanfiction. I've decided I needed some humor in my life and wanted to give this another go, in another alternate universe - because, why not? This will be a Muggle AU. And I sincerely hope you find it humorous.

As always, I don't own a damn thing.

"I was in the back of the taxi," her plump, pink lips pouted momentarily before she blew a stray curl out of her eyes. " Wearing a trench coat. Only a trench coat. "Her cheeks pinkened to a delightful rosy hue before she continued. "Ugh, this is all so embarrassing! I ended up calling my best girl, a true Girl Friday, Ginny. She gave me a lovely pep talk and reminded me that no matter what – I have unbelievably great tits," a brief grin quirked her lips before they pulled down into a forlorn frown.

Good god, how long had she been talking?

"Anyway, when I got to our flat – everything was quiet. Or so I thought. It was still rather early, so I assumed Ron would still be asleep. My plan was very simple. Sneak in, stir him awake with my voice, drop the trench and wait from him to pounce on me," she bit her lip and shook her head, almost sadly. A deep sigh later, "I made it to the bedroom door, I heard movement inside and panicked a little because I'd lost the element of surprise. So, I closed my eyes and threw open the door, dropped the trench, and using my sexiest voice I sang: Bah dum di dum, bah dum di do – I'm home early for you – in my birthday suit – Dontcha wanna sex me up?"

Holy fucking shit, did she just sing?

"I did a slow pirouette. I may have bent over and shook my arse a little." This time her sigh was almost comical – almost. Though the imagery was rather hot, I still found myself in a state of shock.

"And while doing that I might have sung: Baby I missed you and your cock, come on and fuck me around the clock."

What the fuck was with all this singing?

But…nice.

"Imagine my surprise and horror when I turned to find my boyfriend on all fours with our other best friend Harry balls deep in his arsehole."

Right. Well. That's fucked up.

"So yeah. That happened. Hence why I answered the ad you guys put out looking for a flatmate." Her smile was wide and charming and it did nothing to reassure me whatsoever.

This bird was barmy.

After a long moment she shook her head as if to clear it, "wait,…what was the question?"

"Uh," I cleared my throat and rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly, trying my damnedest not to look at her like she was an escaped mental patient. "I asked if you had any pets."

"Oh," her cheeks bloomed pink once again and she laughed breathlessly, a sheepish grin curling her lips in a beguiling way. "Right. No. No pets."

Well, at least she had that going for her.

"For what's it's worth, I would love to live here. And I'm desperate. Aren't guys supposed to love desperate chicks?" I was pretty sure she was trying to be funny, but the slightly hysterical edge to her words only reiterated the truth in her statement.

"Yeah, if you want a dirty hook-up in a bathroom or something," Blaise intoned seriously. "I'm not sure if that carries over into living situations though." He tilted his head to the side and I knew he was giving it serious consideration. I rolled my eyes.

"Look, Hemione, right?" I raised a brow in question. She smiled demurely and nodded, soft cinnamon colored eyes shining at me – filled with hope. "We need a minute to discuss this. Just us guys, you understand?" I questioned, keeping my voice kind and inviting. Jutting my chin towards my bedroom, I shot a look at Blaise and Theo and they followed me without question, while Hermione looked on resembling an abandoned puppy.

You know those ASPCA commercials, with the big, sad-eyed puppies? They had nothing on Hermione's sad face. Nothing.

Check one in the "This is a really fucking bad idea" column.

I offered her my most reassuring smile, though it felt more like a grimace while backing into my room and closing the door.

"No way guys, this is such a bad fucking idea," I immediately growled. This couldn't happen. What the hell did we know about living with a chick?

"But Draco," Theo whispered morosely, "did you see that look? She needs a home." He looked at the door sadly, as if he could still see Hermione on the other side – all sad puppy dog face and all.

"Oh, fuck me," I groused, running a hand through my hair in agitation. "She's not a stray, mate!"

"She might as well be. She needs a home. We need a flatmate. I say we keep her," Theo finished with a decisive nod. I shook my head incredulously with a glower, before we both turned to Blaise with expectant looks on our faces, as his vote would be the deciding factor.

"Did you see her tits?" A slow grin began spreading across his face. "If she lived here, I bet we'd get to see them. At least once. And hello, if we keep it cold enough in the apartment? Headlights, baby." Blaise began nodding enthusiastically as if that were the best selling point he could ever make.

"I live with a douchebag," I muttered while face-palming. "Guys, you don't get it. Women change moods like they change their clothes. And don't even get me started on PMS. We can't do this. We can't. She'll suck the souls right out of us," I may have been slightly panicked.

Unlike Blaise and Theo, I had lived with women. I had an over-the-top mother, a darling cousin that lived with us most my life, and there had been those six months with Astoria. I knew what I was bloody talking about. This had disaster written all over it.

"I vote no," I murmured quietly, but with resolve. "This is a really bad idea," I reiterated, hoping that if I kept saying it, they would finally see reason.

I really should have known better.

"We can't just turn her away, Draco. It's getting cold outside," Theo pled beseechingly.

"She's in," Blaise smiled.

I rubbed the heels of my hands against my closed eyes roughly, as we all heard the squeal outside my bedroom door. I sucked my teeth as I turned the knob, revealing a bouncing Hermione.

"You guys are not going to regret this!" Her smile was mega-watt and I prayed fervently that she was right.

...

Within two days, Hermione was moved in.

We had decorative pillows on our couches.

There was light beer in the fridge.

Tampons. In the bathroom. Need I say more?

If that wasn't enough, I shared a wall with her.

I had never given much thought to what a bird went through following a bad break-up. With guys, it's usually a lot of drinking, football, and looking at new girl's arses.

Apparently with women, or perhaps just the one he lived with, they poured out their emotions with song.

"I'm all out of love. I'm so lost without you." I heard a sniffle through the wall and sighed. This had been going on for a week. All night long, the saddest love songs you could imagine poured out of her room.

If it didn't stop, I would need Prozac – and I wasn't even the one experiencing the heartbreak.

"I know just how to whisper, and I know just how to cry."

Oh. My. God. Kill me. Now.

"But I don't know how to leave you. And I'll never let you fall. And I don't know how you do it, making love, out of nothing at all." Hermione's tremulous voice drifted through the wall; I rolled onto my back and kicked my legs angrily. I didn't care if I looked like a six-year-old throwing a tantrum.

I was tired.

And kind of sad.

Stupid fucking music.

"I can't smile without you. Can't smile without you. I can't laugh, and I can't sing. I'm finding it hard, to do anything. "

That's right.

Barry. Fucking. Manilow.

"If you only knew, what I'm going through – I just can't smile without you."

With a groan, I left my bed and strode across my room with purpose.

I set my jaw and raised my hand. I had to make this stop. I just couldn't take it anymore.

…

I woke with a smile already on my lips. It was just blissfully quiet. I revelled in it while stretching languorously. God, I felt so good. I could smell cinnamon wafting in the air, the sun was shining, I felt so happy.

After a few more wonderfully peaceful moments, I sighed. Reaching up, I popped the earplugs out and sent up a silent prayer that today would be emo-music free.

What did you expect? Me to confront an emotionally unstable woman whilst in a mood? What do you take me for? Completely daft?

I swung my legs over the side of the bed and scratched my cheek. Again, the smell of cinnamon assaulted my senses and my stomach grumbled loudly in response. Following my nostrils, I made my way to the kitchen. The sight before me stopped me in my tracks.

Hermione stood there with a plate of waffles, stacked twelve high on her right and a mountain of freshly baked muffins on her left. My eyebrows shot up at the amount of food, and briefly, the thought that perhaps this wasn't such a terrible arrangement flitted through my mind.

The thought was pushed away quickly when Hermione turned, hit a button on her iPod and began singing into her batter-covered spoon.

"When I was young…"

Oh, fuck me with a broom.

"I never needed anyone," she sniffled quietly. "And making love was just for fun. Those days are gone."

I debated silently on whether I should turn and run or try and put a stop to this madness. The choice was made for me when Theo appeared by my side.

"Dude, I can't fucking take much more of this," He whispered harshly. "I'm going fucking crazy."

"Livin' alone, I think of all the friends I've known," Hermione continued to croon sadly. "But when I dial the telephone…nobody's home."

"What the fresh hell do you think I can do about it?" I whisper-yelled at Theo. "I was against this from the start!" I told them this was a bad idea. Serves them right for not taking me seriously.

"All by myself," Hermione sang into her spoon, her back still to us. "Don't wanna be, all by myself…anymore." At least she had a really sublime voice.

"Oh god, make it stop," Blaise whimpered from behind us. I turned and found him standing in nothing but his boxer briefs with suspiciously red-rimmed eyes and blotchy cheeks.

"Dude, are you fucking crying?" I questioned softly, snickering.

"Shut the fuck up, Draco. It's a really sad song." Blaise crossed his arms and if looks could kill, my ass would be in dire need of resuscitation.

My god, she was turning us into women.

"I've had enough," Theo said. "I'm going in," with that he strode into the kitchen, reached around Hermione and shut the iPod off.

"Oh!" Hermione jumped, startled. "I didn't realize you were up, Theo. I made breakfast." Her voice was soft, and she tucked her chin in towards her chest.

"Well, how could we sleep with that depressing shit blaring throughout the house?" He was cranky. I really couldn't blame him. I mean, it had been a week of non-stop chick music.

Slowly she raised her head and looked over her shoulder, finally noticing Blaise and myself.

"Oh god," she whimpered, her little chin trembling as she stared at us all with a horrified expression. "I'm so sorry. I just thought I'd cook breakfast, because it's Sunday, and you all have been so nice…" two big, fat tears fell from her doe eyes and rolled down her cheeks.

Theo's eyes widened, and he looked to me with terror written all over his face, before addressing Hermione once again.

"Well fuck, 'Mi, I didn't mean to make you cry," this only made her cry harder. "Don't do that please." She hiccupped. "STOP!" he ordered, and Hermione took a quick step back before she began to sob hysterically.

"Theo!" He looked at me then, very much resembling a deer in headlights. "Dude…just stop. Let me try." He sighed in relief before scurrying away.

Hermione looked up at me with her nose red and her cheeks tear-stained, "I really am sorry."

"No, it's okay," I placated her. "Maybe we could just listen to something else?" I smiled crookedly, hoping it would work on her the way it worked with my mother and cousin when they'd go all girly on me.

"Like what?" She wiped her nose on her sleeve and I tried not to grimace.

"Well, let's see what you have on this thing," I grabbed the iPod and scrolled through the songs. Unsurprisingly it was all chick music. "Uh, well…" I stuttered out and looked over at Theo and Blaise, who only shook their heads in return.

Bastards.

I scrolled, and I scrolled until I found something that might work. It would be embarrassing as fuck, but it would be worth it if it stopped her tears and made her smile. And smiling girls didn't cry. And no crying meant that the music from hell could go back to, well…hell.

"This'll work," I said with a smirk at Hermione and a side-eye to the guys.

Fuckers better go with it.

"Hey, heyyyyy, heyyyyyyyyyy…" I sang along quietly, a little fucking uncomfortable if I'm being honest. Hermione looked at me with confusion marring her otherwise lovely features. "Your lipstick stains, on the front lobe of my left side brains," I smiled. "I knew I wouldn't forget you, so I went and let you blow my mind." Theo started nodding his head.

He joined me, and Hermione's lips twitched a little, "Your sweet moonbeam, the smell of you in every single dream I dream. I knew when we collided, you're the one I have decided, is one of my kind."

"Hey, soul sister! Ain't that Mister Mister on the radio, stereo? The way you move ain't fair, you know?" We all turned to look at Blaise, who stood there belting out the lyrics in his underwear. Hermione giggled, which meant this shit was working, so we continued to sing along to the stupid fucking song. Blaise even threw in some little dance moves here and there. I knew we were home free when Hermione's delicate little giggles turned into outright guffaws, peppered every so often by soft little snorts of laughter.

Once the song was over, I wondered if I still even had a dick for knowing every single word of it. Hermione wiped the fresh, laughter-induced tears from her cheeks.

"God, I needed that," she laughed. Her smile was bright and kind of pretty. "You boys hungry? I was just getting ready to make some bacon, too."

Maybe this wouldn't be so bad if we could keep her happy. I mean, a home-cooked breakfast? On a Sunday morning?

"Yeah, I'm fucking starving," I said while Blaise and Theo murmured their agreements. Hermione grinned, before turning to her iPod and shuffling through the tracks. Soon the opening strains of a Barenaked Ladies song filtered through the kitchen. I glanced at the screen and saw she had chosen a playlist titled 'Happy' and I smiled.

Yeah. This could be okay.

Endnotes: So...what did you think? Have I totally lost my mind? Hope you enjoyed it.

xx - otterly