What Once Was (A Steins;Gate 0 Story)

Chapter 1-The Confession

Disclaimer:I don't own Steins;Gate, only this story...

It was the year 2010 in the city of Akihabara, located somewhere in Japan. A place known, as the 'Future Gadget Lab' was one of the many locations contained within its borders. The 'Future Gadget Lab', despite its name, was quite different to its namesake in many ways. In fact, it was completely the opposite in all ways save for one. The inventions that it held were the only thing similar to what an actual lab would be like. Currently, the only one inside the building was a young man by the name of Okabe Rintarou. This man with his stringy jet-black hair, and the bags under his eyes, along with the black suit he was wearing was clearly a troubled soul. Anyone who saw him could see that something very bad had befallen him. That something was the death of the person he most cared for at his own hands, no less. Currently, he was talking to a computer model of her on his smart phone like a crazy person.

It wasn't like he was actually crazy, but that's what he felt like every time he talked to the simulation of a woman on his phone in public. No, he wished he could write off all of the flashbacks he frequently experienced, and his memories of all the things that had happened but also didn't at the same time, as something simple. But alas, life never was. Let's just say that what his mind held a record of, was different than what everyone else had. As in, someone else could be at the same place he had been and remembers something happening that never did from his point of view. The reason for this was a long story, but it basically involved a microwave time machine and parallel worlds known as 'Worldlines'. In the end, to get back to his original worldline, he had to leave his loved one behind. And if that wasn't bad enough, he had a chance to save her once he returned, but in the process, accidentally killed her instead.

Now, whenever he closed his eyes, he felt her warm blood on his hands as she breathed her last breath in his arms. Falling into depression and attempting to forget about her, he continued life like a normal man, unlike the mad scientist Hoouin Kyouma bent on unleashing chaos on the world that he used to be. It was a fake persona intended to entertain, anyway. Now, he was just Okabe Rintarou, a simple college student powerless to walk any path other than the one fate deemed appropriate for him.

In this world, none of the time he spent with the woman known as Makise Kurisu had ever come to pass. The three weeks he spent on his adventure were gone in the blink of an eye, ripped away from him by the cruel hand of fate. Just as he was recovering, if only very slightly, the computer program known as 'Amadeus' revealed itself to him. It was an AI SO advanced, that it could take the memories from a person's brain and essentially become a virtual version of them, complete with a realistic CG model of them on the screen. It even sounded like the person, through the use of voice samples.

The only downside about it, was that it had no body to move around with either. Another feature, though it is the last to be mentioned, is the ability of Amadeus to use the phone's built-in camera to see its surroundings as a substitute for eyes. This is also how it identified the person it was currently talking to. It was inevitable given their past relationship, but Okabe had gotten close to Kurisu again the more they talked. For the very human-like computer program, it was actually the first time, since her memories ended eight months before the two had even met.

Although, the Beta worldline was very different from the Alpha one, so the three weeks they spent together had never happened here. The only reason the former mad scientist remembered, though it should have been impossible under normal circumstances, was because of his 'Reading Steiner' ability that allowed him to carry over memories from previous worlds. Either way, he had to rebuild their relationship from scratch by spending time with the 'Amadeus' Kurisu.

After several months spent together, where they talked at least once every day, this Kurisu had fallen in love with him too. Okabe had never been the same, ever since he learned who her killer was. He felt like a coward, too scared to try again after one failure. If his second attempt ended with the same result, he knew it would break him completely. It was as if he had betrayed her memory by not trying to save her when there was a chance that he would succeed, and it was making Okabe feel guilty. He decided that the virtual Kurisu needed to know what had happened to her original, and maybe he could obtain some sense of relief from the confession. Today was the day, so he went to the 'Future Gadget Lab' when he knew everyone had either already gone home, or were out doing something else. Okabe needed to do it in private, since he never told any of his friends about her yet, and it was dangerous to talk to her for long periods of time when his friends were around.

Upon arriving at the lab, he activated the Amadeus app present on the home screen of his smartphone with one tap of his thumb. The program opened immediately, displaying the face he knew so well on the screen. She smiled bashfully, with a hint of red on her cheeks, the moment his face came into view.

"H-Hey, Okabe. Did you need something?" Kurisu greeted, cheerfully.

This was where he was now, frowning and trying to come up with the right way to say what he needed to. The problem was that there was no good way to reveal a secret you had been hiding from someone for a long time, and no words were coming to mind. Just where was he supposed to begin? Wasn't there a manual he could read, that would tell him what he needed to say? Of course not, but if there was, it would be called something ridiculous like 'How to Reveal a Secret to your Virtual Girlfriend for Dummies'. That's what Okabe thought, anyway. Droplets of cold sweat ran down the back of Okabe's neck. Even though he acknowledged the fact that it was silly, he couldn't help but be worried about how she would take the news. What if she was so upset, that she never spoke to him again? He didn't think he could stand the thought of losing her a second time, computer or not. It might be better, if he just didn't tell her.

"Come on man, get it together. If you can take on the Organization, then surely you can handle something as simple as this." He gulped, suddenly realizing that all the saliva that once occupied his mouth had evaporated, leaving it as dry as the desert. By this time, she had noticed that something was amiss, especially when he didn't respond right away, and how he was doing his best not to look her in the eyes.

"Okabe, is there something wrong? You know you can tell me anything by now, don't you? I mean, I'm not as good as the real thing, but I'm always happy to help." The image on the screen of her happy expression, turned into a frown of concern.

When the experiment started, she was told about what she really was, just a copy of someone real. Of course, they didn't tell her the fate of that person, so as far as she knew they were still out there somewhere. Since Okabe was so depressed at the time, the creators of the program made up a story that a very close friend of his had passed away recently when they were introduced. But now, Okabe was about to reluctantly, I might add, shatter that illusion.

"Listen, Kurisu. Do you remember that time way back when we first met several weeks ago, and you were told that a close friend of mine had died?" Kurisu nodded in response. "Well, the truth is that I haven't exactly been honest with you. In fact, that person is someone that you are very familiar with."

Kurisu was getting impatient to know what had supposedly been hidden from her all this time, by the one she cared for. "Come on, Okabe! Hurry up and tell me!" She demanded, hands placed firmly on her virtual hips.

"All right, the reason that you would know so much about her, is that you are one and the same."

Her expression quickly turned to shock, at the surprising revelation. "You mean, you were upset because the original version of me died!? How did it happen?" She yelled, incredulously.

Okabe had been hoping she wouldn't ask, but also knew it was impossible for her not to. One of her main purposes was to learn things, so she was always interested in things she didn't know about. Okabe sighed, preparing to explain everything that had happened. If he were old enough to drink, and could stand the stuff, this would be where he would need one.

"You don't want to know, because trust me, I DO, and I wish I didn't. You see, Kurisu, you were murdered, and your killer…is me." Okabe hung his head, the perfect picture of a man who had lost who he cared for the most and was now broken.

"That CAN'T be true, Okabe! I KNOW, you're not that kind of guy. Explain it to me from the beginning, so that I might understand it better. Please?" Kurisu's eyes shone with sadness, knowing how much it pained him to dig up these memories.

"I don't know why I even told you this. I suppose, it may have been so that I could relieve my guilt, when I apologized to you. Not that it matters, since my words can no longer reach her wherever she is. Since I already started though, it wouldn't do to not finish the tragic story of my woes."

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An hour or two later, he had explained everything leading up to her death, worldlines and all. Kurisu was silent for several moments, after the news. Not that he could blame her for it. If he hadn't been there to experience these events himself, he probably wouldn't have believed it right away, either. The silence was deafening to the man who was currently sitting on the couch, holding his head in his hands, while leaning towards the phone that he had propped up on the coffee table in front of him. After about a minute or so, he mustered up enough courage to look up from the floor to glance at her expression. The face he saw currently was blank, likely evidence that the program was still sorting through the wealth of knowledge it had just gained, reviewing it until it was sure it understood the meaning.

Though it had only been such a short time, Okabe felt like hours, or even days had passed in the suffocating lack of sound. Attempting to calm down, he tried to think of other things to pass the time. Unfortunately, his eyes landed on the one thing he didn't want to see. In the corner of the room, a pure white lab coat was draped over the back of the chair in front of the desktop computer. The seemingly innocent coat, hid a deeper meaning than it seemed at first glance. On the inside of the coat, it was stained with blood left over from the time he had tried to save the one that he loved. He had never washed it, as a reminder of what he had done.

In fact, he had hardly left the Lab since then until the 'Amadeus' project experiment started. He traded his dirty coat for a black button up shirt. As far as he was concerned, the man known as 'Hoouin Kyouma' had died along with his hopes and dreams back then. His friends had never known her in this timeline, so they didn't understand why the death of a seemingly random girl impacted him the way it had. If it weren't for the fact that he could still talk to her through Amadeus, Okabe would have surely gone insane with grief.

By the time he looked back to see if she had changed her expression, it wasn't the one he thought it would be. Okabe had expected her to pass judgement on him, but it looked to be the exact opposite. Were those tears in her eyes?

"Oh no, she was supposed to get angry like usual and yell at me, not cry! Daru always tells me that the worst thing you can do is make a beautiful lady cry, and now it appears that I have done it. What can I do now? It's not like I can just apologize for killing her, as if it was no big deal."

"You're not going to get angry and yell at me like you normally would for something like this?! Come on, Kurisu. At least call me an idiot, or something!" Okabe begged, desperate to see her acting like her usual self.

The incredibly life-like image shook its head, locks of crimson swishing along with the movement. "Oh, Okabe! If I had arms, I would slap you right now!"

"What do you mean? Why?" He mumbled.

"While the original may have yelled at you all the time, I don't think she would have, in a situation like this. This scenario never happened to her, and it isn't likely to have occurred to anyone else either. At times like this, I must improvise a bit, since there are no memories to fall back on in regards to behavior. What I CAN say, is that based on the data you gave me, she doesn't blame you for what happened. You did your best and persevered, in conditions that would have broken many a man, much sooner than it took YOU to snap.

There is no way you could know the outcome of that risky endeavor, and to ask you to attempt it again, is too much. What I'm trying to say, is that you shouldn't blame yourself for something that is out of your hands, you dummy." She smiled warmly, wiping away the tears that still lingered in her eyes. "Now, hurry up and get back to the man I've come to know. Your face looks much better with a smile on it."

Okabe could feel a gentle smile slowly stretching across his face, against his will. Perhaps this conversation had done him some good, after all. The outcome left him feeling warmer inside than he had in a while. A hint of red dusted her image after pouring out her honest feelings to him. Was it hot in here, or was her processor overheating? Okabe felt heat creep into his face, as he looked her straight in the eyes.

"Thank you, Kurisu. You have my deepest gratitude for pulling me out of the darkness, and forcing me to see the light. Metaphorically, of course. I really needed some form of closure after everything that has happened. Maybe, I can start to look forward now, instead of back."

"No problem Okabe, I'm always here for you." Kurisu replied, happy that she had gotten to help the man she loved.

Stomp, Stomp, and Creak! Okabe recognized the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs. Any minute now, they would be at the door.

"My apologies, Kurisu, but something came up. I'll call you back later, all right?"

She frowned, in a bit of annoyance. "You realize, that you will have to tell them eventually, don't you?"

"Of course, I do. What sort of fool do you take me for, woman? It's just that ONE difficult conversation, is enough for today."

Kurisu sighed, she was hoping for more time to talk to him. She forced a smile, a hint of sadness and loneliness hidden underneath it. "All right, I'll be waiting."

Okabe didn't notice anything but the smile, as he quickly pressed the end button on the call, just in time for a knock to fill the gap in between their conversation and silence. As Okabe got up to see who it was, and slipped the cell phone into his pocket, he couldn't help but feel like things were beginning to get better for him. What he didn't know at the time, was that the turning point in his life had just begun, but it might not lead down the road he wanted it to.