I stared at the amber liquor as I swirled it around with my finger. As drunk as I was I couldn't help but grin at the fact that my life was exactly like this glass of whiskey. Half full, and as soon as I swallowed this mouthful it would be empty. Colorless. Gone. Evaporated into nothing.

I threw back the liquor and welcome the strong burn that echoed through my chest and all the way to my gut. I closed my eyes; hoping with everything that I was that darkness would come and swallow me whole.

Instead, her words came. Reverberating through my brain over and over again.

"The worst thing you've ever done, the darkest thought you've ever had...I will stand by you through anything."

I swallowed hard. I felt the telltale burn in my eyes. I blinked because I refused to let them fall. Why was I even thinking of her? I had just buried my father in the ground. She didn't matter. Nothing did.

My gaze landed on everything in my hotel room. The plush carpeting, the sleek ornate lamps and the opulence of everything that comes with money. In the corner of the room two naked girls were grinding on each other. I brought them back thinking that fucking them would at least drown out my thoughts, but I was disgusted with myself, because I knew I would be kicking them out and telling them never to fucking come back.

Minutes or hours later a jolt awakened me. I looked at the bed where my phone was and Blair's name was on the screen. I ached to answer it. To hear her voice. To have her take this pain away. But I couldn't. I didn't deserve her. I deserved no one.

In the end, my weakness won out and I swiped across the screen brutally. I said nothing as I listened to her breathing on the other end of the line.

"Chuck?"

Still I said nothing.

"You don't have to say anything. I know you aren't okay. Don't shut down. You can push me away as much as you want, but just know, that I'm still going to be here, no matter what you do."

Fuck. There were so many things that I wanted to say but as I opened my mouth to say something, anything, nothing would come out.

A broken sob escaped me and Blair gasped as she heard it. I wanted to reach through the phone and grab her. To drag her here with me. Wrap my arms around her. To feel her warm skin, look at her beauty, to remind myself that I wasn't dead. I couldn't though. I was poison. Everything that I touched or loved ended up broken or dead.

The phone fell from my grasp and plopped on the floor as the call disconnected. I took the bottle of whiskey that was on my nightstand and gulped a mouthful.

"I'm a failure," I repeated the words out loud that everyone had always called me, especially my father. All the times I disappointed him flashed across my mind in memories I wished to bury deep and never be able to drag up again.

Another mouthful of whiskey went down. I patted my pocket and pulled out a joint and lighter. I stuck it in my mouth and lit it. Inhaled the sweet smoke. A sigh of relief left my lips.

This is what I was good at. Smoking. Drinking. Fucking.

The club music was blaring. Women dancing. Men leering at them and wondering if they would be lucky enough to take one home at the end of the night.

A scantily clad brunette made her way over to me and sat in my lap. She put her lips to mine but I immediately turned her around in my lap. I couldn't and wouldn't kiss her on the lips. I couldn't even look at her. As long as she was facing the other way I could pretend that she was Blair. She even had dark chocolate locks of hair that went down her back in ringlets. When I should have been concentrated on drowning my pain in the woman on my lap, I couldn't. Instead, her voice assaulted me again.

"But I am me, and you are you. We're Chuck and Blair, Blair and Chuck."

No matter where I was, her voice followed me. Everything about her was always with me.

I stumbled back to my hotel, my pants unbuckled, my steps shaky and in danger of falling flat on my face.

A hand grasped my wrist. A silky, smooth hand. The one I longed for.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I tore my hand away from hers and narrowed my eyes at her.

Blair sent me back a glare of her own. "I'm worried about you," she stated simply.

Her voice was soft, sweet, with a touch of pity. It was the pity that undid me. No one one pitied Chuck Bass.

I grasped her shoulders and pulled her closer to me. "I thanked you before for your concern but I don't need you. I don't need anyone. Least of all you," my voice came out husky, the emotion buried underneath the surface.

Those chocolate brown eyes of her shuttered closed with hurt. When she reopened them, the hurt was gone. Instead, in its place was defiance. She grabbed my hand and placed it on her waist while she cupped my face in her hands and brushed her nose with mine. "I know you need me, Chuck. In fact you need me more than you've ever needed anyone else. You need me more than your next breath," she said as she lightly brushed her lips against mine.

My eyes closed as I felt her lips on mine. I smelled her sweet scent and I wanted to inhale her and make her mine.

She pulled back. "If it's the last thing I ever did I'll make you admit how much you love me, Bass." A lopsided smirk was on her face as she turned around to leave. Before she did, she glanced over her shoulder and said, "You know where to find me."

As I watched her walk away, a flurry of emotions took hold. The hurt was there. The grief. The anger. The hatred. But now there was also a tiny dash of hope mixed in with all the rest.

TBC…

A/N: Whoa! So I know this was depressing mixed with a lot of angst, but I felt like it was really important to get inside Chuck's head and make you feel all the emotions he does. I'm thinking of continuing this and making it a few chapters long. Expect a lot of angst with this one! But in the end it will be all worth it. I'll up updating this story once a week so you won't have to wait long for the next chapter. As always, thanks so much for the support!