Disclaimers: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin.
A huge thanks to Nekotsuki for beta reading this chapter for me!
FINDING THE WAY BACK
Chapter 3: Distance
It had been a while now since he had woken and started watching every inch of her, every slight movement she made. At first, when awareness came to him his primary instinct was to reach out for her; not feeling the closeness of her body that he so desperately sought, he frowned a little. When he stretched one arm out to the side and still could not find her, his frown deepened in disappointment for not waking by her side. A little annoyed, Kenshin cracked one eye open and was surprised at what he found. Kaoru was, in fact, still asleep, but she was lying on another futon next to his. A little puzzled, Kenshin regarded her recoiled form curiously.
An uninvited thought - of her not being used to him sleeping next to her anymore - quickly crossed his mind before he got rid of it, moving closer to her instead. Kenshin was now watching her, lying on his side, his weight supported by an elbow, with his head resting on his hand. He leaned over her, barely blinking, breathing the air she exhaled. Kenshin always felt captivated by contemplating her sleeping, absorbed by the powerful emotions she was capable of triggering within him and by that ephemeral feeling of time stopping. Everything because of her. Times like these made him feel as though he had found some peace, even if just a little.
His free hand brushed the locks of hair away from her face, bringing them to caress the skin under his nose as he let their scent invade his lungs. Suddenly, all the time apart became incredibly heavy. He needed something more tangible to make sure everything would be fine. The exposed skin of her shoulder seemed to be an invitation for the present reality. He gently traced her soft skin with his fingers. The feeling brought back memories of intimate moments he had shared with her. Needing to feel more of her, he brushed his lips on her naked skin. When he felt her shivering slightly in response, he deepened the contact, kissing the curve of her neck. That touch… that taste, he knew he was lost. His need to feel her became unbearable to restrain.
Kenshin tried to argue with himself; he knew they had a lot to talk about. He now felt even more unworthy of her kindness and love than ever before ... but he felt as if he were under a spell, controlled now only by the powerful need to be with her. His lips were on hers, smoothly. One of his hands ventured further on her body; satisfied on recognizing all of her curves, a proud male grin made its way to his lips, which now tasted the skin of her throat. Kenshin was rewarded by a soft moan of pleasure, making him deepen the contact between their bodies.
However, when he felt her stiffen, hands desperately trying to push him away with widened and scared blue eyes, he instantly stopped his actions, surprised and suddenly afraid. For a brief moment, he just gazed down at her, lacking the ability to perform any action. Recovering from his initial stupor, he moved away from her, casting her an apologetic look.
"K-Kenshin…" she faltered, surprise clear on her voice.
"I'm sorry, koishii. I shouldn't have…" he said apologetically, ashamed of himself for giving into his primal desires.
"Kenshin, no… I'm sorry. It was just… I wasn't…"
"Expecting it?" He said the words, feeling his heart tighten in pain. When she hesitated to say them, the words just spilled out of his mouth. He knew, though - he would rather have him saying it in her place than having it directly from her. What did he expect, after all? He had been the one gone for half a year. What right did he have to show up, expecting her to kindly welcome him home… or to her bed?
"Please, don't be like that, Kenshin." She reached out a hand to his face, caressing his scared cheek. "I was being silly. And stop apologizing! I missed you too." Now her hand prompted his face up to look at her.
He delved into her blue pools. I don't deserve you. Never did. But now, it's too late, there's no life for me without you. I'll accept whatever you can give me. He took her face in his hands. Kissing the top of her head lightly, he said, "Kaoru, what made me go through all those pointless battles was my will to see you and Kenji again." He felt her kiss the palm of his hand. So sweet.
"You don't have to worry anymore. We understand your priorities."
His eyes widened at her words, he felt his heart sinking. Didn't she know she was his priority? She and Kenji? Hadn't he shown her enough how much they mattered to him? Again, fear plagued him. He barely acknowledged how the hold on her arm had tightened; only when he felt her muscles contracting and watched her screwing her face up, did he let the grip loosen. Without, however, letting go of her. "You two are my priority, Kaoru," he said emphatically.
She smiled sadly at him, more to appease his newly arisen fears than from any real desire. "Okay. Let's not talk about this anymore. You're here," she said, patting his hand that held her arm with hers, urging him to let her go. "Good morning, by the way."
His brows knotted inquiringly at her unveiled attempt to change subjects; still, he complied.
"Good morning, koishii." He hid any further concerns by snuggling his face into the curve of her neck, filling his lungs with her scent. "That's one of the things I missed the most: waking up by your side. You didn't have to sleep so far away though."
She smiled sympathetically, taking in a deep breath. "You were tired and when I came in you were asleep, and I didn't want to wake you up."
"I wouldn't mind, koishii," he whispered in her ear, and moved to give her neck an open-mouthed kiss. Kenshin felt her stiffen again, and raised an eyebrow. Why did it feel as if she were not really there with him … or that she didn't want to be with him? Before he could restrain himself, his hold on her tightened again and he voiced his concern, "Kaoru, something is wrong."
She dropped her head so she wouldn't face him. He had to strain his ears to hear what she said next. "Don't be mad or apologetic, but it just feels a little awkward. We have so much to talk about."
"So let's talk," he said, unable to hide the urgency in his voice.
"I can't now. I'm already late. I have to fix breakfast. Sano will wake up soon to go to work," she said, and moved to get up. He held her back.
"Koishii, Sano is grown up enough. Sure he'll fix something for himself." His lips curved into an amused smile.
She laughed heartily, the sound making something inside of him wake; joyfulness he acknowledged.
"I know. It's not him I'm worried about, but every day when he wakes up, Kenji does too." She shrugged, amused. "He likes eating breakfast with Sano."
"Is that so?" A small smile quirked his mouth.
Her mouth twisted into a reproachful pout, but there was amusement in her voice. "Yes, he walks Sano to the dojo door. Last time I failed to get him up in time, he was mad at me until lunch time."
Kenshin chuckled softly, ignoring the sudden bitter acknowledgement that came along with that customary behavior of his son, which was the fact that he knew Kenji so poorly. He shoved the thoughts away to the back of his head.
"Then I'll help you with breakfast, koishii," he offered, as he got up, pulling her with him.
As the glare of the sun made its way through the kitchen's window, Kenshin and Kaoru busied themselves with fixing the breakfast. Kaoru seemed determined to avoid Kenshin's eyes as they accomplished the task.
Kenji was already waiting at the table. He had shown up just a few minutes after they started cooking, walking happily to greet his mother good morning. When he saw Kenshin, however, he glared at him with narrowed eyes and said not even a word, much to his mother's discontent and his father's sadness. Seeing the hurt on Kenshin's face, Kaoru reproached her son with her eyes, and he grumbled his father a 'morning', without looking at him.
Kaoru was about to voice a reprimand when she felt a hand pressing on her shoulder slightly. She turned her eyes, puzzled, to find Kenshin shaking his head softly, his eyes hurt but telling her to let it go. And so she did.
They resumed preparing the breakfast. All the while, she took quick glimpses of Kenshin through the corners of her eyes. I'm sorry Kenshin. If only you knew how hard it is for me … Without noticing, as a spontaneous effect of her own, one hand had moved over his, slightly squeezing it. He looked at her, a little surprised at first, but when his eyes fell on their joined hands a smile made its way to his lips, lighting his features.
Kenshin opened his mouth to say something, when they heard Sanosuke's angry voice coming from outside. They heard an apologetic second voice, realizing quickly afterwards that he was arguing with someone.
"What do you want here? We don't want the likes of you here! Get out!" Sano's voice came as an angry growl.
"M-Mr. Himura. I need to speak with him," followed a fearful reply.
Upon hearing his name, Kenshin, casting Kaoru a significant look, turned on his heels and walked towards the courtyard. Kaoru followed him after picking Kenji up to stop the boy from running outside when he first heard Sanosuke's voice.
"Please, sir, calm down. I'm just here to deliver a message to Mr. Himura." Kenshin saw the younger police officer stammer as he walked backwards, away from Sano's sudden display of rage.
Kenshin smiled, offering a truce as he spoke, "This unworthy one is he. Sano, now, now, let me just see what the officer needs."
"Humph, your choice," Sano snarled, glaring one more time at the police officer before he walked away.
As Kenshin watched a little puzzled as his friend retreated between cursing words, something else caught his attention. Kaoru had her eyes surprisingly full of concern, fixed on the officer, and Kenji was tightly clutched by his mother, face hidden in her hair; his little form trembling slightly, much to Kenshin's amazement. When Sanosuke reached the two of them, he said something to Kaoru who nodded tensely and handed him Kenji. The tall man took the little boy inside and Kaoru stayed there still and rigid, eyes still fixed on the officer, face full of apprehension.
Maybe she thinks I might leave again. Kenshin's head dropped at that thought. He had caused her heart a deep wound, he could see that clearly now. Wanting to draw to a close this upsetting and awkward situation, Kenshin turned to the officer, nodding his head indicating the man should speak now.
"Sorry to disturb you, Mr. Himura. It's just that you're needed at the police station to finish the reports about the riot. The chief wants to add your statement on the matter," the officer said politely.
Before responding, Kenshin looked at Kaoru, hoping the younger man's words had eased her worries about his leaving again, but surprisingly the concern had not left her face. He could still see it clearly, only now he saw something he had missed before – fear.
"Sir?" the officer prodded.
Turning his now puzzled features to the youngest, he replied nonchalantly, "Oh! Tell him sessha will make sure to be there before lunchtime."
The police officer nodded his agreement. "Alright. Thank you, sir. It's been an honor speaking with you."
Kenshin nodded politely in return and watched the man leave the dojo, his thoughts still hovering over Kaoru's reaction.
Tsukioka's place was on the way to the police station, which brought Kenshin to offer accompanying Sano along part of the way. He initially thought it would be a great opportunity to catch up with his best friend. Much to his disappointment, however, Sano walked the entire path brooding and muttering something about 'stupid cops'. After a while, Kenshin decided to break the monologue.
"Oro! I think your job with Tsukioka-dono made you more intolerant with the Meiji government, in particular with the police, that it did."
Sano growled another cursing word against the police force community before replying. "They are scum, Kenshin. I don't understand how you can walk among them."
"They work to keep people's safety … at least, most of them do."
"Just do me a favor. Next time, don't send officers to look after the dojo, will ya?"
Kenshin's brows furrowed together at his friend's words; confused, he asked, "Next time?"
"Yes, next time you leave," Sano said unceremoniously.
Kenshin stopped moving abruptly as he cast his friend a serious look. "I don't intend to leave anytime soon, Sano."
Sanosuke might have realized that Kenshin had stopped his progress and was eyeing him, because he turned about to face the red haired man. Narrowing his eyes for an instant, Sanosuke studied Kenshin. "Well, whatever you say. Just don't send them over to the dojo."
"But Sano, sessha wants Kaoru and Kenji to be protected when I'm not around."
"Don't worry, I'll protect them, okay? Besides, we don't like them."
"We? Who is 'we', Sano?"
"You know, Kaoru, Kenji and me." Sano gave Kenshin a quizzical look as if he had just asked a question to which the answer was obvious.
"Hey, this is where we split. We'll talk later, man," Sano said, turning around and walking in the opposite direction. Kenshin saw him raising a hand over his shoulder to gesture him good-bye. "See ya."
Kenshin felt like smacking his own head. He walked fast on his way to the dojo, all the while cursing himself. It was his first day back, and he had spent it entirely at the police station, giving his statement and helping the police chief to finish the reports.
The sun had set hours ago; he looked up at the sky and saw the full moon. On any other day, he would think it to be beautiful and resplendent; today, however, it felt more like another sign to accuse him of his lack of thoughtfulness to his family. He hastened his steps.
To make everything even worse, he had run into Yahiko on his way home. The boy had, to his amazement, reproached him fiercely for not coming back to the dojo sooner. Confused, Kenshin inquired if something had happened. Adding more to his sense of guilt, Yahiko answered that he had missed his own welcome home party.
Yes, we wanted to throw you a party, of course! You've been gone for half a year, Kenshin! Sano brought the sake, Tae the food and Kaoru spent the day preparing the dojo. We even gave the students a day off. He had heard the boy saying.
This was bad; really bad, Kenshin admitted. Kaoru had been acting strangely and distantly enough without him doing stupid things. And now this! I'll be lucky if she lets me sleep at the dojo tonight! Baka! he cursed himself inwardly.
Reaching the dojo, Kenshin quietly opened the front door and swiftly crossed the courtyard. The only light illuminating the house came from their bedroom. He hurried himself in that direction, sighing heavily when he caught sight of some discarded signs of his welcome home party.
Kenshin stared at the door for what seemed an eternity before entering in silence. Through the only candle lit, he could see Kaoru sitting on their futon, fixing herself to sleep. She was carefully braiding her long raven hair. Kenshin's breath caught in his throat and he felt mesmerized by the picture she created. Feeling completely drawn to her he approached her with feather-like steps unnoticed to her.
Only when he touched her shoulder slightly and instinctively buried his head on the curve of her neck, did she notice his presence, stiffening slightly, her breath caught briefly in surprise.
"K-Kenshin?"
"Sorry, koishii, this unworthy one doesn't even deserve to be near you today. But… I can't help it. You allure me," he whispered in her ear, feeling her shivering slightly. "I've heard about the party." He saw her closing her eyes and his heart tightened a little. He hugged her securely from behind, needing to hold her, glad to feel one of her arms returning the hug by bracing one of his own.
"Who told you? I didn't want to… I knew you would feel guilty for missing it."
"No, you don't have to, koishii. Don't spare me of anything."
"We can have a party any time," she said sympathetically.
"I don't deserve you. Never did. I was afraid you would have realized that during these six months."
She sighed, her breath rustling on the hair on his arm, causing him a pleasant sensation. Kaoru turned her head to his, her eyes still closed. "Baka!" was all she said. When she opened her eyes, he saw the old glow he knew so well. There she is. My Kaoru. He couldn't help the amused smile curving his lips.
"Koishii, let this unworthy one do this for you," he said, taking in his hands her half-done braid. She hesitated for a moment. "Shhh… please, if only this."
Her hair felt so soft under his calloused hands; he loved to hold it. Bringing some tresses under his nose, he breathed it in. It smelled like her, the smell of jasmine. It filled his lungs, reaching his soul and like always, settling him down. She was peace to him, safety … home.
He barely noticed his hands venturing further on her body, her breathing heavy, and this time he felt her responding. His lips met hers hungrily in a passionate kiss.
It was then that it happened – a scared scream pierced uninvited through the silence.
"Kenji!" Kaoru cried, rolling to her feet immediately and running towards their son's bedroom.
The scream wouldn't stop; an agonizing sound. Kenshin reached for his sakabatou, and hastened to Kenji's bedroom as well. He was relieved, however, for not having sensed any strange presence. Nevertheless, he instinctively scanned the surroundings to make sure no threat was upon them.
He got to his child's bedroom even before Kaoru. Kenji was lying on his bed, struggling with himself and crying. Kaoru walked past him and kneeled down beside the little boy. She scooped him protectively in her arms; he was still thrashing about.
"Shh… that's okay, dear. Mommy is here now. You're safe."
The boy clutched on his mother as if she were his anchor back to reality. Slowly, his screams and trembling subdued to a child's cry.
Kenshin only took notice of Sanosuke's presence when he heard the tall man's concerned voice. "Another one?"
Kaoru's eyes, now filled with tears, met Sano's and she nodded, as she rocked Kenji in an attempt to give him any kind of peace.
"Kenji-chan, look at me. Are you alright?" Kaoru asked, coaxing him to look at her. The boy nodded amidst sobs; his mother's attention and concern succeeded in soothing his fears.
Instinctively, he looked towards the light coming through the opened door where Sanosuke and Kenshin stood. "Uncle Sano?" he cried in a small voice, and the tall man was at his side the next moment. But the boy kept staring past him at the other frame, scrunching his eyes to get a better sight of the shadow.
As the figure began moving towards the bed, the boy became frantically restless again, eyes wide and breathing ragged, tears poured down his face, which was now clouded with fear. Hiding his face on his mother's chest, he pleaded, "Mommy, no, no!"
At that shocking reaction of his son, Kenshin stopped right in his tracks, seeming unsure of what to do next. Kaoru gave Sanosuke a significant look, and was glad to see he had taken the meaning when he quickly stood and walked towards the redhead.
"Why don't we wait outside, Kenshin?" Sano offered, placing one hand on the other man's shoulder and urging him towards the door. Upon seeing Kenshin's stoic reaction, he added, "Let her settle him down first."
"Aa…" Kenshin finally replied quietly, apparently not noticing the fact that he was walking backwards, prodded by Sanosuke.
When they reached the kitchen, Kenshin sat on a chair, bent with his head bowed and hands on his knees. He was so engrossed in his thoughts, trying to understand what had happened and why he felt so misplaced that it took him a few minutes to speak. "Sano, what happened?" The question was impressively broad in meaning, but he felt incapable of making his thoughts clear.
"Kenji-chan had a nightmare," Sano said plainly.
"Yes, but does he have them that often? I don't remember him having them before. Also when I came closer, he was even more afraid and distraught…"
"He doesn't easily get used to stran –", Sano faltered, clearly regretting his words, but too late; for Kenshin had already taken in the meaning. Raising his head to face his best friend, Kenshin glared at him.
"What is that suppose to mean, Sano?" he demanded, his voice taking on an edgy tone.
"Sorry, I didn't mean like that. It's just you've been gone for awhile and he's not used to you being around."
"I'm no stranger to my own son, Sano!" Kenshin said, clenching his jaws. The entire situation had put him over the edge and Sanosuke's implications were not helping.
"Look, man, whatever you say. Just give him time to get used to you again." Sanosuke glared back at him, eyes defiant. He added, "if you stay around long enough that is."
"And what's that supposed to mean?" Kenshin barely noticed he had gotten up and was walking towards the tall man.
"Stop asking me that when I'm being as clear as water. I never bought that denseness of yours, but you can't possibly think that you can spend six months away, come back and find everything just like you left." Sanosuke had bent forward, hands clenched into fists at his sides.
"I'm not liking your implications, Sano and you have no right saying…" Kenshin yelled back, his breath ragging with anger.
"I'm sorry but I'll have to disagree on that, and I don't fucking care whether you like it or not. Someone has to tell you!"
"You should be quiet now, Sanosuke, that you should," Kenshin said in a last effort to contain his new risen anger.
"What is going on here?" came Kaoru's shocked voice as she eyed the two men, inches apart from each other, both holding hostile stances against one another.
Upon hearing her unvoiced reproach, both men stepped back, clearly ashamed of their behavior.
"Sano, Kenshin? Were you two fighting?" she asked accusingly.
"Koishii, I'm sorry. Sessha lost his temper. I was worried about Kenji and you…" Kenshin put on his rurouni mask back, feeling truthfully guilty for adding more disturbance to the already troubled situation.
"Sorry, Jou-chan. How's Kenji?"
Kaoru's eyes darted back and forth from Kenshin to Sano, before answering. "He has calmed down now. I'm going to take him a cup of milk. Is there something you want to tell me, Sano?"
"No," he said curtly, missing Kenshin's confused look at them.
"Okay then. Kenshin?"
"Yes?"
"Could you warm the milk for me? I want to go back."
Kenshin shoved his confusing thoughts away, and replied. "Yes, of course."
"Thank you," she said simply, before turning around and back to Kenji's bedroom.
Right after she left, Sanosuke vanished quietly towards the courtyard, leaving a confused Kenshin behind.
He watched his wife and child from the doorstep, unable to be close to them. Kenji was slowly falling asleep, and he did not want to disturb him. So, despite his desire to come near them, that distance had been imposed on him and he would have to watch them from here.
... TBC
Glossary:
Koishii: beloved
Sessha: this unworthy one, it's how Kenshin refers to himself in first person.
Jasmine: it became Kaoru's perfume in the fanfic world actually (credits go to Tae-san -bows).
Thanks for reading! Comments are always welcome!
03/2005