Mikau: Hi all! We have a KaiShin one for you today! This was done for the Poirot Café Forum Prompt Exchange 16. Tobina wanted "A ShinXKai story with an annoyed Kaito who has to deal with a workaholic Shinichi.", so you have her to thank for this. This first chapter is the setup with Hakuba and Kaito, and it actually turned out a lot more somber than I had originally intended with the guys talking through some of their issues, but I promise there will be a big, beautiful, happy KaiShin end. I hope to have chapter two up next week. Until then, I hope you enjoy chapter one!

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I'd probably get to read the Hannin no Hanzawa-san spinoff manga before everyone…but I don't.

…

Chapter One: The Problem

Hakuba Saguru and Kuroba Kaito were having a very awkward romantic dinner by candlelight at a ridiculously expensive restaurant in Shibuya courtesy of Kudo Shinichi.

Saguru was running out of topics of conversation that he could carry by himself while Kaito made one-word answers and noises of acknowledgement.

"…and then the Kaitou KID dropped out of the sky and saved the poodle from the purple crocodile and the chinchilla in the fedora," Hakuba concluded with a deadpan expression.

"Oh, really?" Kaito replied mildly, looking out the window as he jiggled his fork in irritation.

Kaito was not paying attention.

"Yes, really," Saguru insisted with a straight face. "My imaginary friend, Henri the hedgehog, showed me the video on YouTube."

This was going to make a fantastic children's story. He'd have to share it with Aoko later. Maybe Keiko could do the illustrations. It didn't even matter that Saguru had been trying to tell Kaito what a stressful day he'd had what with the kidnapping and everything.

…It mattered a little, but Hakuba couldn't really hold it against his friend.

It was their anniversary—Kudo and Kuroba's, not Hakuba's—their second anniversary, and Kudo had run out on Kaito, yet again, in the middle of their romantic evening together, leaving Hakuba to pinch hit. Yet again. It was the second time this week, and they were only four days in.

It had been nice spending time with his best friend, and Saguru had gotten to see a very interesting revival of the Arsène Lupin play, and now this extravagant, five course French dinner that Kudo had paid for…it beat whipping up something himself (probably cup ramen) or getting a convenience store bento, but—

"—Do you think this is his way of breaking up with me without having to take responsibility for breaking up with me?" Kaito broke in on Saguru's thoughts, finally turning to face Saguru. The look in Kaito's eyes was desperate, a little wild.

Hakuba was so thrown off balance by this sudden pleading question that he didn't have time to answer before Kaito was off again, the words tumbling out of his mouth, falling like raindrops steadily morphing into a downpour.

"Because I can totally see him doing something like that. Is he sabotaging the relationship to try to get me to break up with him, so that it's not his fault?"

"I don't think—"

"—Did I do something wrong?" Kaito frowned down into his plate and plaintively asked his oysters. "Am I not exciting anymore? I mean, we've been dating for two years and living together for one. Is the once-enigmatic Kaitou KID no longer a stimulating enough puzzle to solve? Is he bored with me?"

"Kai," Saguru tried to cut in. "Kudo's just—"

"—Do you think there's someone else?" Kaito gasped, looking up at Saguru in horror as the thought occurred to him. "Do you think it's Hattori? Is he secretly keeping Hattori in some little love nest in Tokyo? Because, otherwise, Osaka's too far to run out on me as often as Shinichi does. Maybe he has multiple lovers, and Hattori's only one of them. I mean, he can't seriously work as much as he claims he does. I bet he has someone call pretending to be work so that he can slip away from me under a veneer of legitimacy. People do that, don't they? They have their friends call them and pretend there's an emergency so they can ditch lame dates, right?"

"Kaito," Saguru firmly intoned, raising his voice to drown out Kaito's mental chatter. He placed one hand over Kaito's and used the other to pry the fork out of Kaito's grip where he was grasping it so hard it was beginning to cut into his fingers.

"Calm down," Saguru gently instructed, holding Kaito's gaze. "Deep breaths, okay? One…two…three…good. Now listen to me. You are dating a workaholic. I personally witness cases coming in for him when he cancels on you, and I see him at his desk at night when everyone else has long ago cleared out. He is not fabricating work in order to cheat on you. Okay?"

Kaito stared at Hakuba for a few seconds and then slowly nodded. "He…really does stay super late at work? He's not sneaking off with anyone and then pretending to come home late straight from work?"

"He's really there working ludicrous hours," Saguru confirmed. "He's there every night when I leave, and you know how late I work."

Chewing on his lip, Kaito considered this for a moment, slowly nodding.

Saguru pursed his lips, hesitated, but finally asked, "…Kai, how long have you been concerned that Kudo's been cheating on you?"

Kaito looked down at his vegetable tarte and shrugged as he picked his fork back up and started poking at his food. "A year and a half, off and on."

"Kai," Saguru cooed sympathetically. "And you never mentioned it?"

Kaito shrugged again, pushing a cherry tomato around his plate. "The first six months after we'd started dating, it was like I was everything to him, and I really liked that because…" Kaito bit his lip. "You know how close I was with my dad. He always included me, even in things he probably shouldn't have, and he always made time for me, even when he was busy running around the world on tours. I always knew that I was a priority with my dad. But then my mom…"

Kaito took a deep breath and a sip of his water. "She broke after Dad died. It wasn't her fault. She just couldn't deal…with anything. She left to try to get herself back together, and she left me behind…and I knew that I didn't matter anymore. I know now that that isn't true and that she didn't mean to mess me up like that and that she does care, she was just going through her own hell, but…I was a little kid, and I'd just lost the most important person in the world to me when I wasn't even old enough to really understand what had happened and why Dad wasn't coming home, even though I was there in the theatre and I saw…" Kaito stopped, forcing himself to take a breath before he started hyperventilating. "…and then my mom left too, and I didn't matter."

Saguru pulled his handkerchief out of his pocket and scooted his chair closer so that he could wipe away the tears Kaito probably didn't even realize were pooling in the corners of his eyes. "…And that's why you jumped at the chance to throw yourself in front of bullets without regard for your personal safety."

"Pandora was important," Kaito muttered, too tired to shoo Hakuba away. "And it's not like I was deliberately trying to get myself killed or anything. It was never something I was conscious of. I just…at that point, I'd already internalized that I wasn't important. But Pandora was important, so it made sense that I do everything in my power to…but that doesn't matter anymore. What matters is that those first six months with Shinichi, I was precious to someone again for the first time since Dad, and I really liked that."

"Did I never make you feel important?" Saguru wondered, accidentally vocalizing the thought.

Kaito blinked, eyes really and truly focusing on Saguru for once that evening. "You…did, just…it was a little complicated. KID mattered, but Kaito…not so much. Not until later, and then it was…I was important sometimes—really important—but then you would leave for England, and…I don't know. It kind of felt like you didn't want me to be important? You're still like that, and it kind of plays with my head a bit."

Saguru nodded once. "I see." He didn't bother letting Kaito know that that was exactly the problem. Saguru had retreated to England whenever he felt that his classmate and rival was getting to be a little bit too important to him to be healthy.

"Sorry," he hastily added. "You are extremely important. You're the most precious friend I've ever had. I've shared this with you a little here and there, but I have demons too: my own complexes and my own unhealthy relationships with other human beings."

Kaito nodded. "You don't always know how to deal with me—with other people in general. I get it."

"So it will be understood in the future that I care about you, even when I act 'like I don't want you to be important' to me?"

Kaito cracked the tiniest smile. "Yeah. I've been assuming that ever since you called me from Paris to discuss Chat Noir. My suspicions were confirmed when KID's glove went missing during the Nightmare incident. I mattered enough for you to throw your morals out the window and help a thief."

Hakuba grimaced, caught red handed. "Well. So long as you knew…. Back to when you first suspected Kudo of cheating on you?"

Kaito's face darkened once more, and he went back to chasing tomatoes around his plate with his fork. "The first six months were great. He had that kind of all-consuming passion, and I adored being the object of it, but then he started having to cancel on me last minute. At first, I really did believe that it was legitimately work-related, but when it kept happening and then starting happening every week… I was going to break up with him, but then he asked me to move in with him, and it was like the first six months all over again."

"But now he's started neglecting you once more," Hakuba surmised.

"And it's worse than ever," Kaito sighed, raking his hands through his hair in frustration. "I mean, you've noticed. He calls you to fill in whenever he ditches me. Tonight's our anniversary for God's sake. What the hell? I know it's April Fool's Day, but in what universe does he think it's acceptable to run out on your significant other on your anniversary? It's not like he's the only detective Division One has. Sure, the others aren't as good as he is, but they're by no means incompetent. Even Division Two back in the day wasn't incompetent. Division One has plenty of good cops. He doesn't need to solve every single case himself. Right?"

Hakuba nodded. "I don't think that he realizes that."

Kaito took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. He stabbed a piece of asparagus and popped it into his mouth. "I feel like a widow, you know? Only, I'm not married and my partner isn't dead. I realize what a big deal his job is. I don't want to trivialize what he does, but these past few months, I can't help feeling like his job means more to him than I do."

"Kai, you know that's not true," Saguru gently assured.

Kaito looked up from his plate and quietly asked, "If that's not true, why am I eating dinner with you?"

Hakuba rested the tip of his tongue on his teeth as his mind raced to produce a satisfactory answer. All he could come up with was "why do I have to defend Kudo?"

"…Because Kaito will be sad, if Kudo doesn't have a valid excuse."

"If I matter more than his job, why does he consistently choose work over me?" Kaito continued, voice cold and detached.

Saguru could tell it was traces of the old poker face covering up all the hurt and disappointment.

"I could understand every once in a while, if there was a truly big case where they absolutely had to have him—a kidnapping, a hostage situation, a serial killer, a death threat—something where him being there could mean the difference between life or death for someone. That I could understand. That truly is more important than I am, but Shinichi ditches me for run of the mill murders, petty thefts—things officers in other divisions ask him to ride along on on a whim. We can be watching a movie together, and he'll run out on me when he gets a call from someone wanting him to weigh in on a fraud case."

Saguru winced. Had it really gotten that bad?

"If I matter, why isn't he there when it's important?" Kaito sighed.

Saguru leaned in to wipe away Kaito's welling tears again. "I'm going to talk to him. Kai, it's going to be all right."

Kaito shook his head. "There have been two times when we've been in bed and he's left for a case. He'd rather solve a case than stay in bed with me. How am I supposed to feel about that? What does that say about his priorities? Either I'm not as good as I thought I was, or he cares more about work. This isn't something that can be fixed by you talking to him, Haku-chan. We're beyond that."

Hakuba took a few calming breaths before he could reply. "I'm going to challenge him to a duel, and then, if we both survive, I'm going to explain to him what a bloody idiot he is."

Kaito rolled his eyes and smiled, seemingly under the impression that Saguru was joking. "Maybe I should just break up with him. He makes me feel like crap most of the time, but when he's with me, actually with me…it feels so right, like things could be good, we could be good, if we could just figure things out. I want to figure things out because I don't think I have it in me to love anyone else like I love him."

Saguru bit the inside of his cheek and forced himself to keep a neutral expression. "Kai, this really doesn't sound like a healthy relationship."

"I'm not sure I'm capable of having a healthy relationship at this point," Kaito replied honestly. "I don't know what one looks like. It's not like I've had the best role models, so…I'm seeing a therapist, though, so I might be able to have a healthy relationship one day, if I keep working at it."

"That's good, Kai. It's important to know that you have a problem and to seek help. Actually, I'm very proud of you, as I know how you feel about asking for assistance…. What does your therapist say about your relationship with Kudo, if you don't mind me asking?"

"She says I deserve better." Kaito shrugged, going back to his tarte and making a good faith attempt to eat it.

"Do you believe that you deserve better?" Saguru wondered. He had a suspicion he already knew the answer.

"I want better," Kaito replied without directly answering the question as asked. He kept his gaze down and continued eating.

"Do you believe that you deserve love?" Saguru tested.

Kaito rolled his eyes and faked a grin. "Everyone deserves to be loved, and, as I am part of that everyone, I guess I deserve love too."

Saguru nodded slowly. "So you don't believe you deserve better or love, but you want those things and you want to believe that you actually deserve them. I suppose that's a step in the right direction."

Kaito looked up at Hakuba in challenge. "Do you believe you deserve love?"

Saguru grimaced as he laughed out loud at that. "You've got me. I think I don't deserve love so much that I am actively pushing it away." "Right this very second." "I do, however, believe that I deserve respect and some measure of contentment in life. I have a right to be here, and I am a worthwhile human being whom other human beings could find reason to care for."

"You've improved in the last decade I've known you," Kaito hummed contemplatively. "We are seriously screwed up, you know that? Other people don't have to learn as adults that they have a right to exist and be cared for."

"Other people grow up in stable family environments and don't come face to face with death and destruction so early on in life," Saguru countered.

Kaito considered for a moment before conceding, "Point."

"We're going to be okay, though," Saguru assured. "We're both getting better."

"Right," Kaito whispered with conviction. "You're right. …And I'll be fine as soon as I fix things with Shinichi. What am I supposed to do? Maybe I should cheat on him. That would give him a wakeup call, if he thought he was losing me." Kaito smiled sheepishly. "Will you have an affair with me?"

Hakuba nearly fell out of his chair. "Kuroba Kaito," he scolded.

"Pretend to have an affair with me?" Kaito amended. "You're the only one I can ask. I don't want to just go out to a bar and pick someone up. Besides, you're the only one I'd ever actually leave Shinichi for."

Saguru's jaw dropped slightly. He must have misheard.

"Sorry." Kaito's cheeks lit up sakura blossom pink. "Sorry. I didn't mean…I mean…you know what I mean…only you don't. Sorry. What I meant was…that no sane person would leave Shinichi unless it was for you, so it would only make sense, if I had an affair with…am I making it worse?"

"Yes. Stop talking," Saguru commanded, putting a hand over his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"Sorry," Kaito whispered, nibbling on his lower lip. "I just—"

"—Shush." Hakuba nipped further explanation in the bud.

Kaito was tempted to apologize again, but he wisely held his tongue.

After Saguru had had nearly a full minute to process, he finally looked up and announced, "Kai, I am your friend as well as Kudo's. I am not ruining either of those friendships by getting caught up in fake dating drama. I am going to take you home after dinner, and tomorrow I will explain to your numbskull of a boyfriend everything he's been doing wrong because I know for a fact he's crazy in love with you, and I honestly think he deserves a second chance to try to improve."

"How do you know he's crazy in love with me?" Kaito couldn't help sounding eager in his curiosity.

Hakuba rolled his eyes. "He has a picture of you on his desk, and he's always making eyes at it. Whenever he talks about you, it's so sappy and gross, it nearly makes me sick. You've heard Takagi-keibu talk about his kids before, right?"

Kaito's cheeks began to burn in a mix of pleasure and mortification "Yes, and?"

"That's how Kudo talks about you. In front of the entire division," Saguru groaned.

"Oh my God," Kaito chortled. "Oh my God."

"So I know he loves you. You are not the problem. The problem is somewhere in Kudo's thick skull, and I'm going to smoke it out and fix it, starting tomorrow."

"Thank you, Haku-chan." Kaito smiled, and it was the first full-blown, at ease smile Saguru had seen from his friend in weeks. "I can't tell you how much I appreciate you doing this for me."

Saguru waved Kaito's thanks away. "I've taken it upon myself to ensure your happiness."

Kaito whistled, impressed. "Geez. That's a tall order. Don't freak out, if you don't succeed. No one in their right mind would hold you to it."

"I'm holding me to it," Hakuba insisted.

"Like I said," Kaito chuckled. "No one in their right mind…"

Once again Saguru waved away Kaito's remark as if it were a mosquito.

There was a beat of silence, and a serious mood suddenly infused the air.

"You do know that I care about you, right? How important you are to me?" Kaito asked, voice low.

"Of course." Saguru shrugged, avoiding eye contact.

"No, seriously," Kaito insisted. "I love you. Like how I love Aoko. You're that important to me."

Saguru was nearly speechless. He stared up at Kaito, stunned. "That…means a lot to me, Kai."

Aoko was the pinnacle of Kaito's affections. Aoko love was pure love, beyond the twisted, dysfunctional romantic love and familial love that were so complicated for Kaito. Aoko had never betrayed him or turned her back on him, even when he had lied and gone behind hers. Even after all that, she had tried to understand, listened to his explanation, and eventually forgiven him. Throughout it all, she had never stopped loving him.

Aoko was the strongest, truest, healthiest bond that Kaito had, and for him to compare that with Saguru…

"I really don't know what to say," Hakuba offered apologetically. "I know what that means, and…"

"You don't believe anyone could actually feel like that about you," Kaito finished, nodding in understanding. "That's okay. Why don't you sit with that a while and try to digest it? I'm going to have them bring out dessert."