Disclaimer: All to Ishida. If I had any scrap of a right, I would beg Ishida to tell me

This is for Ertal77, who kindly shared this prompt with me.

The name is a reference to Big God, a Florence + The Machine song. The lyric "You'll always be my favorite ghost" painfully reminds me of Kaneki ghosting Hide back in the first TG (but it doesn't fit this period).

English is not my first language.

the best of the best and the worst of the worst

Touka-chan died six months ago.

Kaneki saved the entire city, saved the world, but he couldn't possibly save his wife, who died whilst giving birth. Kimi-sensei said it was inevitable, the estres her body had to endure for the risky pregnancy led her to eclampsia. The baby almost didn't survive either.

Kaneki was a widow and a single father.

Black Goat received Japan's amnesty for all their crimes. Kaneki seemed happy with his job at the TSC, but he couldn't bear it anymore. I knew Kaneki from all our lives, but I was still lost on how to make him feel better. I worked with the TSC too and tried to make the best of this situation. But it broke my heart into thousand pieces to see him like this, morning for his wife and the what ifs.

I went every day to visit him because summer was, in all its exuberance, exhausting for the melancholics like Kaneki.

It was a dread I was willing to endure. Not him, just his eyes, the sad look on his face when his eyes linger a moment too long on my face. It was difficult. We haven't really talked in all of these months, expecting the other to make the first step.

Just like in the old times.

Kaneki sat in a rocking chair, feeding Sen-chan, and there was strength in the way his eyes shined for his daughter. On the weekends, he spent every possible time with her. His house was small but comfortable, very Japanese and very boring. His library was the first thing you noticed when you were inside. That and the sempiternal smell of black coffee.

"Yo! Kaneki!" I shouted while taking my shoes off, and his eyes scolded me.

"You're scaring her," he whispered, rocking her, "Hello, Hide."

That trace of regret whenever he said my name was... difficult too. I left some things I bought for Sen-chan at his request on the kitchen table and went to put my shoes once again.

Kaneki was sadder when I left, and I lost on how to react.

&.&

When Sen-chan started to run around the house like a little monster, we started to spend a lot of time in a particular park. It was a bit far away, but it was the one we frequented in our teenage years together, and the memories hurt in a good way. Talks about romance and the future. How many of them this park had seen. In the park, there were a lot of mothers with small children too; the cherry trees looked beautiful in spring, and we couldn't wait for Sen-chan to see them.

"Hey, aren't you the ghoul who ate the entire city?" was a question he used to get a lot, although people usually said it joking.

Kaneki just smiled and said, "Do you think they'd be crazy enough to let him free after what he did?"

I snickered. That answer usually drove them away, but they were still uneasy about the familiarity they had with Kaneki's face.

Or if not, they fixated on my mask. Kaneki was usually much more serious about that. He used to get really mad at the beginning, after everything swift to normality and we started to spend more time together. But I was used to it and he didn't have much more choice, given that the new medicines bring people back from commas, but were much more slower in my case, considering all the muscle and skin tissues I lost.

If a teen was bugging me, I showed them the scars. Children I didn't mind, but teens were an annoyance.

Kaneki was scandalized at first, then angry, and lastly annoyed by my way of dealing with bullies. When he confronted me about it, I just said:

"We have to laugh at tragedies, don't we?"

He avoided the topic after that.

We watched Sen-chan play with another kid in the ground.

Snow felt, a match with his hair. He put his hands in his pockets, trying to warm them. I wished I could warm them for him. (I didn't care, being with him was enough.)

&.&

We were at his home again, Sen-chan was sleeping, Kaneki was reading a book and I was reading a manga. Some of his friends visited earlier, and I usually stood aside when they were around. They weren't my friends, and I was always a tiny bit jealous about all the time they spend with Kaneki without me.

I knew that I met him before they did, I knew that I was with him every time we could since we reunited, but the old longing was still fresh after all this time. The feelings of staying behind. I regularly had nightmares about Kaneki leaving, Kaneki dying. Losing Kaneki.

I didn't even want to think about it.

I wanted to spend every waking moment with him, but I knew that just wasn't meant to be.

Still. It hurt.

"Do you ever regret it? Even a bit?" he asks, quietly, closing his book.

"What?"

"Being my friend."

I didn't hesitate. "Never."

Kaneki stared at the floor, pensive. I knew exactly what he was thinking: "How selfish of me to be happy that Hide doesn't regret being my friend."

"Don't be an idiot Kaneki. I will always be happy of being with you."

His gaze was firm but soft and his smile was sweet and my heart barely stood it.

"Stay this night. Please."

I didn't like to stay the night. I know I'm contradicting myself, did I want to be with Kaneki or not? And the answer was yes, always. I only wished for the power to crush Kaneki's nightmares with my own hands.

The first time I stayed, he brushed it away, he said he was fine that he didn't need any help. But the screams were horrible, and then, Sen was crying, and then Kaneki was whispering desperately, trying to make her sleep again, feeling terrible for fucking everything up. He didn't let me be with him. And after the first night, I stopped trying.

The screams were more tamed that night, but I couldn't stand those whimpers anymore. He screamed Touka and Hide and Arima and Hinami and Touka and Hide and Touka and Hide and Touka and Touka and Touka and it never stopped, it wasn't stopping.

I went to his room and found him dripping in sweat. I touched his forehead and he had a mild fever. I caressed his hair and he calmed down. If only my touch could be more lovingly.

Nothing was enough to show him all my love.

My eyes got teared up, and that's when he woke up.

"Hide! Hide…" His eyes were wet. He pulled me with force.

"Please, stay" he whimpered, hugging me.

Oh.

I hugged him as hard as I could while my heart turned to fire.

"I love you, I love you, I love you so much" I whispered when he was finally asleep. He nuzzled my chest with his cheek. I hugged him harder.

&.&

Our home was a bubble from the outside world. We didn't need to talk, we didn't need to change the rules, the ways we did things. Routine caught us, it usually involved sleeping together at the end of the day. I hadn't seen Kaneki's full body's yet, but it felt hard and soft and my mouth watered at thinking I was sleeping next to him.

On movie nights we watched any crappy movie that we could get our hands on to laugh at it, on game nights we taught Sen-chan to play table games. We slept, woke up too close and too intimate to keep pretending we didn't want more of each other, but somehow we kept pretending. Or maybe waiting for the other to make the first move.

We dedicated to our work.

&.&

"I think I'll go back to college," he whispered to me one night when we wanted to stop pretending.

"You think they'll accept you back in Kami?"

He snorted. "If they don't, I can go to any other college. I don't care."

"Well, talking about character development."

He hit me with our pillow.

"No but honestly," I kept going, "You made me study like nuts to get there too. And now you tell me you don't care. Unfair."

He laughed.

"You've really always been here for me."

His eyes were bright, almost as if he could forget all the pain he's been through. When he tried to get closer to me, most likely for a hug (but the glint in his eyes was hot), I moved away, scared.

Sadness sank in both of us, and the bubble broke.

&.&

I went to sleep in the other room. Nightmares of Kaneki's back haunted me. Sen-chan was crying and asking him what was wrong. I feel like shit, but I didn't want to reach him, I wanted to give him space after what I did. My heart was beating in my ears and I didn't get a good night rest. I went to work before he could wake up and left a note about seeing him afterward.

My absence didn't need to worry Kaneki. I knew that worry too well.

&.&

"Hide, I-"

My heart ached again, in the worst way.

"Kaneki I just… I can't."

"But why-" he whispered.

He made the distance between us non-existent. I'd never seen Kaneki like this before and it set me off. He almost backed off at my expression, but he kept moving his hands toward my scarf.

"I've watched you before, Hide. I know how you look behind this. I'm sorry, I wouldn't… I wouldn't dare to care."

He took the scarf off, and I snorted. My eyes burned.

"I don't want you to endure me, Kaneki. I want that you have a partner that you can see without that look in your eyes... Someone you can kiss."

He held the back of my neck with his hands, touching the part of my cheeks that weren't torn apart with his thumbs.

"A kiss... But I can still kiss you."

He kissed my forehead, almost afraid of my reaction. I wept harder.

&.&

Sometimes I did want to make everything just like it was before. I was never the reflexive type, that was Kaneki's job. But I saw myself longing for the old times, wishing that we could go back in time when we were together all the time without the weight of this past.

Alternate realities when I kissed Kaneki every moment I could, not just right before my face was changed forever. Alternate realities when a day didn't happen without our lips touching, out tongues melding together in a sweet embrace.

His hand was broken glass on my skin and yet there was no tender touch. We were in the living room, on a tatami, his hands were caressing my hair, we were both watching Sen-chan play with a doll. The tv was on but I didn't watch much tv these days.

She ran toward me and hugged me.

"Daddy, is my doll pretty?"

"Of course it is, just like the owner," Kaneki answered.

"No, not you, dad. I asked daddy."

His hand stopped mid-track. I opened my eyes in surprise, but I just smiled and touched her hair too.

"Of course it is, beautiful."

She smiled brightly. She was just like her father, with her mother's soft eyes.

She grabbed a handkerchief and put it around the doll's mouth.

"Now she looks like you, daddy!" She chirped, making the doll fly.

Kaneki giggled, but I was too busy wondering if it was a good or a bad thing that she was making the doll be like me.

She was happy. It was a good thing. My eyebrows relaxed.

&.&

We turned back to an intermittent arrangement. I stayed with him at home some nights, some others I went to the house I was still renting.

Taking a walk with the Kanekis, Sen-chan suddenly asked:

"Why don't you stay anymore? You not want to be my daddy more?"

"Yes, Hide. Why don't you stay more often? Sen loves having you around" Kaneki added, sheepishly.

He knew Sen-chan was my weakness.

"I'll stay tonight, what do you think? I could never not want to be with you Sen-chan, you're the best" I placed her on my shoulders, and she laughed, that loud laughing that children do when they are happy.

Every time Kaneki looked at me I felt bubbles filling my heart with content.

This was us, then.

&.&

He smiled sadly before going to bed, and I just stood there, torn by my desire to follow him and the knowledge that hurting like this wasn't good for myself.

"Hide, come with me."

I still hated watching his back.

I followed him.

He fixes the futon and we can finally rest. Kaneki touches my knuckles with his fingertips, and it becomes a full grasp. He drove my hand to his mouth and peppered kisses in my hand.

My heart ached again, and I finally closed my eyes and let go.

I wanted to kiss him so bad.

He did all the kissing. My hands, my arms, my eyes. My neck. He wanted to take the scarf away and I stopped him. I didn't want that.

He insisted, so I let him do it.

His eyes were drowning in sadness, but the old pity was gone. And I didn't know how to feel about that. I cried, but he kept touching me and holding me and it hurt so good.

The shirts went away and his muscles were still as ripped as ever. Considering Kaneki, I was surprised he kept training at all.

He pouted when I told him this, but he was actually proud, I could tell.

I traced imaginary routes in his skin, delighting in his ridges and strength. He seemed to enjoy my soft stomach for some reason, so I let him touch it even while it gave me tickles. He was doing it on purpose, to annoy me.

We knew we weren't going to have sex that night, we only explored each other for a while.

He kissed the base of the scar in my neck and the scratches in my arms and every other mark he left, and he can't delete them with his lips but he came close enough. Kaneki had weird scars from the war, but no one to kiss them, and that was the real tragedy in this story. Naturally, I played the hero for him the best way I could, hoping that my hands were as good as his lips at expressing desire.

"What is that?" The scar in his shoulder was an anomaly, and I touched it without thinking on the most logical answer.

"Touka…"

I understood. He got so sad he stopped exploring my body, hugging me hard and making circles in my navel. He was a tease. Unconsciously or not, he was a tease.

(I couldn't do this anymore.)

&.&

The next morning came and Kaneki was soft and smiley, he didn't scream or cried last night, and I felt bad for wanting to break up.

He made the morning coffee and was preparing breakfast when I got dressed. He ignored my glances, and instead decided to finally pour his feelings at me.

What a bad timing, Kaneki.

"Hide... I think I never told you" he laughed awkwardly, chopping vegetables "I always felt sad when you were not around."

"You had a pretty interesting way of showing it." I supported my cheek in my hand. The scars were really improving thanks to Nishio-sensei's work...

"Don't be mean. You know how I feel."

I did.

Kissing Kaneki is years far away but...

"Kaneki, I really don't want to disappoint Sen-chan. But..." I let the silence speak for me.

He stopped mid-way, putting the knife down.

"Hide."

His eyes were shiny, he didn't want to hear, but I had no choice.

"You're still mourning your wife. You call for her every night. I don't think... I don't feel good."

"... Last night I didn't have any nightmares."

"Out of many other nights."

"... I call for you too."

"Out of many other people."

"But you're wrong..." He furrowed his eyebrows. "I love you."

And that shouldn't solve everything but-

"I love you too. I still don't know if I can do this anymore."

"... Hide. I'm never disappearing again. I'll always be with you."

And Kaneki hugged me. He hugged me so tight it drew my breath away, but it was good.

I loved him. I loved him.

I was afraid and I loved him and he kept telling me he loved me and that I shouldn't be afraid.

There was nothing I could do about it, really.

&.&

We were going to search Sen-chan from her ballet classes. Hinami usually took her to them, but today there was a short outdoors event.

"It has been good for Sen to spend more time with Hinami," he said, watching Hinami fixing something in his headdress, "I read it's good for children to have someone of their own sex around. Hinami was pleased, and Sen loves Touka." He smiled.

Touka-chan's brother called his daughter as his sister. She was still a baby, but she had a lot of Kirishima genes in her, it seemed.

I looked at him and I felt warm and secure. I couldn't wait for Sen-chan's act to start.

"Kaneki, do you like being with me?"

"Hide! How can you even ask that?"

"I don't know. I'm curious." I shrugged.

"Dumbass. Don't ever question me something like that," he said, and he was so offended it was adorable.

"What if I just want a kiss from you?"

His ears were all red, it was cute. "... You can have it later."

"But do you like me or not?"

"I do." He rolled his eyes.

"That's gay, bro."

He snorted behind a fist. "Hide! Be quiet! It's about to start."

Sen-chan was dancing like an angel, and Kaneki didn't have a problem with holding my hands in front of everyone.

All was good.

&.&

A/N: Not gonna lie I felt bad at killing Touka, lol. But that was the idea! Angst! =3

Kaneki Sen was a cute idea I got from kakujaeto on Tumblr, and I just couldn't help to use it. I find really cute the idea of Kaneki calling his daughter like his favorite author, and since we didn't get a canon name, it fits her well.

Fun fact! I started writing this before the last chapter, and I can't believe I nailed:

a) Hide narrating.

b) Kaneki having a daughter. Though in my original draft she was called Kiyoko, lol.

(I waited because I wanted to have more canon facts, I didn't want the fic to get all jossed up and be weird. xD)

Also, ayahina is canon. Fite me.

I don't know if this was what you wanted, friend. But considering my writing block, I think it's okay. I hope that you liked it.

Thanks for reading!