Alex's POV:

The party was over, and we were saying goodbye and getting ready to head home.

"I'm going to have one heck of a shower tonight," Herc muttered, sniffing his arm and wrinkling his nose.

"Oui, you smell like sriracha."

"That's because she squirted the bottle of sriracha sauce onto my head!" Herc pointed accusingly at Peggy, who stuck her tongue out in response.

"Hmph, serves you right!" Lafayette crossed his arms. "That's for putting all that guac into my face!"

While they were arguing over who got to shower first, Eliza quietly sidled up to me.

"Hey," she said, smiling shyly.

"Hey," I answered, smiling back.

"Did you have fun?" She bit her lip hesitantly, nervous.

"As a matter of fact, I did," I replied. "Thank you," I added.

She blushed. "It's no problem. I—we just want you to be happy. That would be enough."

We heard shouting and whooping, and looked up. Laf and Herc were running off, probably racing to see who would get to the apartment first.

"Well, I gotta go now," I said. "Those two will need a referee if things get ugly." I waved and was about to jog off, when Eliza grabbed my arm.

"Wait!"

I turned to her. "Yeah?"

She was definitely blushing now. I noticed Angelica was watching us, and when we made eye contact she cleared her throat. "Come on, Peggy," she whispered to her younger sister. She winked at Eliza, making her blush even more. They left, and we were alone now.

"Alex," Eliza said. "Is there… a possibility that you would consider being with someone else once you move on from John?"

I blinked. "What do you mean?"

She looked down at her flats. "I know you'll always love John, but I just want to know… would you consider maybe finding a new girlfriend? Or boyfriend!" she quickly added.

It was slowly dawning on me what she was hinting at here. "Eliza," I whispered softly. "Do you—"

"I like you, Alex," she blurted out. "I've always had a crush on you. But then you got with John, so I decided to hold back my feelings." She looked ashamed now. A feeling of guilt welled up in my stomach. I hadn't realized… She continued. "I know I'll never exactly replace John, but if you could give me a chance… would you?"

I stared back at her, unsure how to answer. On one hand, I felt I would be betraying John if I decided to start dating someone else. On the other hand, John would want me to move on. Besides, Eliza was a sweet girl. She had waited so long for this, even considering my feelings the entire time.

"I need some time to think about this," I said.

Her hopeful face fell, but she smiled up at me anyway. "Take your time," she said. "Tell me your answer when you're ready." She kissed me on the cheek and waved goodbye, then walked away to her sisters, who were waiting at a distance out of earshot.

Dazed, I walked back home, thinking about Eliza's offer the entire way. I opened the door to my apartment, and found Hercules waiting outside the bathroom. Apparently, a certain Frenchman had won the race.

"Hurry up, Laf!" he shouted, pounding on the door. "I don't know how much longer I can take this stench!" The only response he got was Lafayette singing in French and the sound of running water. "Ugh," Herc muttered. He looked up, and saw me. "Oh, hey Alex." He gestured to the door. "How do you say, 'Please hurry the f up!' in French?"

"I heard that!" Laf shouted from inside.

"Good!" Hercules shouted back. He noticed me lost in thought, and walked over to snap his fingers in my face. "Hey Alex, yoohoo!"

I blinked in surprise. "H-huh?"

He looked at me incredulously. "You're doing an awful lot of thinking today, aren't you?"

"Um… yeah."

"Is it—lemme guess—John?"

"Uh, no, actually."

He raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yeah, really." I must not have sounded convincing, because Herc huffed out a sigh.

"Alex, you really need to let go—"

"It's not John, it's Eliza!" I exploded, frustration pouring out in my voice.

Herc opened his mouth, then closed it. He squeezed his eyes shut and held up an index finger as if to say, "Wait, hold on." He looked like he was trying to swallow this new information. Finally, he opened his eyes and asked, "How, exactly, did Eliza get into your head?"

Well, no beating around the bush now. Should've kept your mouth shut, Alex. "She asked me out," I replied bluntly.

Herc's eyes widened, and his mouth formed an O shape. "Oh," he said, now understanding.

"What did I miss?" Lafayette had emerged from the bathroom. His hair was down instead of in its usual bun, so I mistook him for Jefferson at first.

Herc was so shocked by the news about Eliza, he forgot he and Laf were fighting over the shower earlier. He turned to Laf, who looked thoroughly confused with the smirk on Herc's face.

"Why do you look like the cat who swallowed the canary?" Laf asked.

"Well, you see, Alex here—"

"—got asked out by Eliza," I finished before he could make this any more embarrassing.

Lafayette blinked several times. Finally, he let out an eagle-like screech. "Aaaahhhh! Mon petit lion got asked out! Mon petit lion got asked out! Mon petit—"

"Shut up, bordel de merde."

Laf ignored my remark and continued to grin at me like an idiot. "Well…?"

"Well what?"

"Well, did you say yes?"

"I said I'll think about it," I said, rubbing the back of my neck.

Laf frowned. "But this might be your second chance at happiness!" he argued.

"He's not wrong, Alex," Herc said. "You've been so upset over John, I think it's about time you really moved on. Eliza might be your best shot at it."

I looked away from my friends and down at the floor. "I don't know. I mean, Eliza's sweet and all, but I'm not sure if I really like her that way."

"You won't know unless you try," Laf singsonged. It was clear which side he was on. "Don't get me wrong: Lams will forever be my OTP, but your happiness is my top priority right now."

"Same here," Herc said.

"Anyway," I said, trying to change the subject. "When are you going to get rid of that sriracha smell, Herc?"

It was then that Herc remembered he still reeked of spicy sriracha sauce. "Oh, I almost forgot to ask." He glared at Lafayette. "What the hell took you so long to shower?!"

Lafayette glared back and flipped his hair like a fashion model. "You have no idea how much shampoo I need for my hair to shamPOOF!" he cried indignantly, patting his head of curls.

"Whatever," Herc muttered as he went over to the bathroom and slammed the door closed, locking it.

"Anyway, what do you guys want for dinner?" I asked.

Laf was confused. "Didn't we eat already?"

I planted my hands on my hips. "Chips and guac don't count as dinner, Laf," I told him, pulling a frozen pizza out of the fridge. "How about frozen pizza?"

Laf shrugged. "Alright."

"Fine by me!" Herc yelled from the shower.

"Pizza it is," I declared, ripping open the packaging.

"It would be nice, though," Laf said wistfully, "to go on double dates with my sister-in-law and my best friend."

I choked on air. "Sister-in-law?" I turned away from the oven to raise an eyebrow at him questioningly.

Laf, realizing what he had just said, turned bright red. "I-I mean, future sister-in-law," he stuttered, his French accent getting thicker.

"Future?"

He blushed even harder. "I mean, if Peggy and I are still a couple, it will eventually lead to marriage, non?" he asked quietly. Lafayette was never quiet. I could tell he was serious about this. "Of course," he added quickly, "I won't propose to her now. Like, after we graduate from college."

I smiled at him. "It's actually kinda cute, how you're thinking about your future with Peggy already."

"Enough about me and Peggy!" he said. "How about we discuss your future with Eliza?"

We stopped talking after that.

I was in Nevis again. It was 1 in the morning. Mom and I were huddled together in our bedroom. Our skin and eyes were colored yellow due to jaundice, which was a result of yellow fever.

"Mom?" I asked timidly.

"Yes, Alex?" Her voice was barely a whisper.

"Are we going to die?"

She stroked my cheek gently. "I promise you won't die," she said, smiling weakly at me.

"W-what about you, Mom? Mom?"

She looked at me, and I saw how tired she was. I saw the pain in her eyes, and I saw that she was fading.

"Alex, I'm so sorry," she said in a raspy voice. "I can't… hold on… much longer…"

"Mom! Please, stay strong! Stay with me!" I pleaded, but it was no use.

"I love you, Alexander… I always have," she said. "Stay strong. Never give up. Live a… life… you can be proud of."

"Mom!" I screamed. Her eyes started to flutter close. "Mom! No no no no no no no!" I was hysterical. "Wake up! Please! Don't leave me," I whimpered. Where was James? He was supposed to be here with me, alongside his own mother. Where was that bastard?!

A bastard. That was what I was, and what I always will be.

I woke up in a cold sweat. I wildly looked around the room, and was relieved to be back in our apartment again. I heard Herc snoring like a bear in his room, which, unfortunately, was right next to mine.

I got out of bed and went to John's room. He was always there to comfort me when I had these nightmares. I would wake him up, and he would hold me and—oh.

John's not here anymore, idiot! I scolded myself. He's gone, and he's never coming back.

Still, I stared at his room. We had donated most of his stuff to charity, but kept a few of his belongings here, as if to create an illusion that he was still living with us. The bedroom was now kind of a shrine. His fuzzy blankets were thrown in a heap on his bed, since he never bothered making his bed in the morning.

What's the point? I'm just going to get them messed up again! He would argue whenever one of us brought it up.

Next was a sketchbook and a few pieces of paper that were laying casually on his desk. A little too casually, I thought. John was always drawing, the way I was always writing. We balanced each other out that way.

After John died, Herc found the papers in the trash can. They were rough sketches John had thrown out earlier. They may have been nothing to John, but I cherished them enough to keep them. Even though they were wrinkled from being crumpled up by a frustrated hand, I could still see what the sketches were supposed to be. One had the rough outline of a sea turtle, the pattern on its shell only one-third done. Another sketch was of me sleeping on my laptop. I still wondered when that happened. The third and last sketch was just a random pattern of swirls and curving lines.

I looked at the sketchbook. It had a turtle-themed cover with the initials "J.L." written in sharpie in the top left hand corner. I tentatively opened it, revealing a strikingly realistic portrait of me. In the drawing, my eyes were sparkling with passion and determination, and I had on a smug smile. My hair was in its usual ponytail, except for a few strands that hung down the sides of my face. At the top of the page, I could see words written in John's scribbly handwriting: "Thanks for giving me this sketchbook for my birthday, Alex! Lov ya, babe! •3". I swallowed a lump in my throat, then gently closed the book.

The last item in the room was in the closet(I know this is supposed to be a depressing moment, but let's just appreciate the joke I unintentionally made there). I opened the closet doors, and found a worn green hoodie hanging on one of the clothes hangers there. It was the only one of John's clothes that we didn't donate to charity. On nights when I was feeling really lonely, I would slip on John's hoodie and sit in his closet, breathing in his scent until I ended up falling asleep on the closet floor.

I decided to try that tactic once more, putting on the hoodie and zipping it all the way up to my chin. I snuggled up at the bottom of the closet and closed my eyes, expecting to drift back to sleep. Instead, I ended up getting more and more restless. Rather than comforting me, the closet walls made me feel claustrophobic, until I couldn't take it anymore and got up. I left John's room, still wearing the hoodie.

And so I did what any insomnia-ridden person would do in the middle of the night: I went for a walk.

Yeah, yeah, I know. A depressed guy like me, walking around outside in the dead of night, with nothing to protect himself except for his dead boyfriend's hoodie. Probably not the best combination. At this point, I didn't really care. I just wanted some fresh air.

I stepped outside the apartment building, and took in a deep breath of cool night air. I started wandering around like a lost, half-asleep zombie. Somehow, I found myself in the same park where we had played badminton just yesterday.

As I listened to the rustle of the leaves above me, I thought about all that had happened to me. I lost my father to debt. I lost my mother to sickness. I lost my brother to the carpenting trade. I lost my cousin to suicide. And now, I lost the boy of my dreams to a truck.

I sat down on a park bench and put my head in my hands. Why was I so unfortunate? Why couldn't God just let me be happy for once?

I sighed. Tears started pricking at my eyes again. I furiously wiped them away. Haven't I cried enough already?

"Um, are you okay?" I jumped at the voice. I peeked under my hands and saw a pair of sneakers. Not wanting this stranger to see my puffy eyes, I kept my head down.

"I'm okay," I answered as evenly as possible.

"A-are you sure? You seem pretty upset."

"I'm fine." I didn't mean for my voice to come out sounding so harsh. "I'm sorry," I spoke softly. "I didn't mean to yell at you."

"It's okay," the stranger reassured me. I felt him take a seat next to me. "Is there anything I can do for you?" he asked awkwardly.

Despite my brain shouting "Stranger Danger!" over and over at me, I couldn't help but smile at this man's concern. "It's all in the past now. There's nothing you can do about it," I told him.

"Oh." There was silence. Then he said, "I know you're not supposed to share personal stuff with strangers, but if you ever want to talk about it, I'm all ears."

"Thanks."

So...some sad news. I'm actually going to discontinue this fic because I don't really like where it's going, and I want to focus on my other, better fanfics. I didn't really like the plot I had planned for this fic, so yeah, I'm not gonna finish this. Maybe I might change my mind in the future, but not now. Sorry for leaving you all on a sort-of cliffhanger. You can decide what ending you want for this fic(lol a fanfic within a fanfic). For me, the two main endings I was trying to decide between were 1)Alex and John meet again, reconnect, and eventually get married OR 2)Alex and Eliza get together, and John accepts that he should've stayed dead and somehow goes back to heaven(bc he basically came back from the dead in this fic). Let me know which ending you prefer more, or if you have a completely different ending that I didn't foresee:)

Stay tuned for my other fanfics ~AJ