AN: wow! i've actually finished something! hmu in the comments or on tumblr at carcinocacti. thanks for reading!

word count: 1223

If Sasuke considered his ideas before this bad, then he has reached another, entirely new level of awful ideas. Unfortunately the only thing that has driven him since the day he was born was emotion, and the feelings are far too powerful for his delicate, Uchiha brain. The tree he's sitting in sways slightly, causing leaves to tickle his face and Sasuke feels his eye twitch. He feels like sneezing, but knows, somewhere deep in his heart, that if he sneezes someone will definitely notice him sitting in a tree, blatantly stalking the Uchiha compound. The compound, newly settled in Konoha's walls (with an alarming lack of security) brings back many, many memories. Not all of them are good. He's fairly certain that even if he runs into Hashirama the man won't recognize him. He only saw him for maybe fifteen seconds.

(He wouldn't talk about it on pain of death, but a part of him wanted to see Uchihas back in the compound, regardless of whether or not their presence was inherently toxic to the future, of well, everything.)

The compound itself isn't that much different from when Sasuke last saw it filled with (living) people. All of them distrustful and tense, with an edge of something like relief in their eyes (that's new). A man that looks startlingly like Madara, who Sasuke can only assume is Izuna, is alive and well which is also new. Hopefully a change for the better, though Sasuke can't fathom why that would be different.

(Actually, he definitely can- he imagines that Hashirama finding out his soulmate is clearly an Uchiha would speed up the process and ultimately prevent the battle that killed Izuna from happening. He can only hope this will keep Madara from swan diving off the deep end, though he's entirely sure that Madara's rapid descent into madness is something not even Naruto could prevent.)

He leans back in the tree, feeling the most content he's felt since he was seven and intending to milk every ounce of contentedness he can steal from this summer day. The breeze tugs his hair, the sun a pleasant warmth on his face, and the hot fire chakra of his clansmen surrounding him- comforting in a way that reminds him of his mother's embrace.

"Who the fuck are you?" He snaps his eye open, glaring at a child that couldn't be more than ten, perched on the branch beside him.

"Who the fuck are you?" Sasuke retorts, like the mature, thirty-five year old man he is. The kid is startlingly familiar, something about his hair. Or maybe his obscenely long eyelashes?

"I'm," the child starts, "Uchiha Kagami. Are you homeless? Only homeless people sleep in trees." It makes sense now, that Uchiha Shusui would end up so infuriating- if Sasuke's guess is right, this is his dad.

"I'm Uchiha Sasuke." He elects to ignore the question, entirely on the grounds that he is homeless and doesn't need some annoying kid rubbing that in his face.

There's a victorious glint in the child's eyes that Sasuke doesn't like- "so you are homeless."

A well placed kick to the stomach and Kagami is on the ground- winded, but unfortunately still alive. If only he had hit his head on the way down. Sasuke leans back, intent on feeling peaceful once more.

There's a huff from the ground, what sounds like a muttered curse of bastard, before- "Izuna-sama! There's an armless hobo in our fucking tree!" Uchiha Kagami fucking tattled on him - loud and clear for all to hear. Sasuke tenses, subtly panicking and preparing a shunshin across town over the sound of Kagami getting cuffed over the head. He hears a sharp reprimand of "language" before he pops to the top of the Hokage mountain, running an eye over the slowly growing village before him. He feels something disgustingly close to nostalgia. It's alarmingly easy to let his guard down in the village so he doesn't intend on staying long (or at all really) but-

it's nice.

Someone grips his empty left sleeve. Sasuke barely manages to keep from rearing back and punching the living daylights out of him- but it's Hashirama. Picking a fight with the God of Shinobi (his fucking soulmate ) isn't something he had been planning on doing in this lifetime, but it isn't something he's necessarily opposed to doing, depending on what the Senju does next though. Hashirama's eyes are suspiciously moist, Sage's saggy tits, Sasuke thinks hysterically, I've made the God of Shinobi, co-founder of Konoha, and Shodaime Hokage, cry.

(To be fair, though, this isn't his first time he's made a Hokage cry. He makes Naruto cry all the time.)

"You-" Hashirama breathes, eyes reverent and still moist, "you're so pretty."

Sasuke gags. He feels uncomfortably warm.

"I memorized your chakra signature, just in case I would ever see you again-" his voice cracks, "I'm Senju Hashirama. May I ask your name?"

"Uchiha Sasuke." He barely manages to choke out, before there's warm, calloused hands on his already burning face and he has to fight the overwhelming to cut out his own entrails and burn them.

"Sasuke," he leans down, forehead just about touching Sasuke's, "what a beautiful name." There's a cute blush on Hashirama's tan face and Sasuke's face is no doubt the shade of a tomato- Sage, even his ears are burning. Hashirama's eyes are a warm brown, similar to Tsunade's except much prettier, in his personal opinion.

Finally grabbing control of his brain by the balls, Sasuke rears back and headbutts the God of Shinobi in the nose.

"What the fuck? " He whispers violently, taking a few steps back from Hashirama, who's holding his bleeding face. "Aren't you married?" He just barely manages to keep from screeching (he just says it very… loudly- definitely not a screech- ask anyone, Sasuke does not screech), backpedaling a few more steps when Hashirama takes two steps closer. Sasuke's face is still red, blushing like- like- Sakura.

"Married? What? No. Is that why you ran away? Because you thought I was married?" Hashirama steps closer again, hand on his definitely broken nose.

"Wha- no- that's not important- you can't just-" Hashirama steps closer, and Sasuke steps back again, "you can't just go around grabbing people's faces." He finishes pathetically, eyes darting wildly. He doesn't think he can take Hashirama by surprise again and he's pretty sure he can escape since he can literally teleport-

There's soft, warm lips on Sasuke's no doubt disgusting, bitten, and scabbed over lips and Sasuke very nearly screams. It's chaste and short and Hashirama pulls back looking like he just stole Sasuke's virginity or something- looking very smug and pleased with himself and disgustingly happy-

"I can't wait to introduce you to my family!"

This time he really does scream. A small, tiny thing, but a scream nonetheless.