This is the final chapter of the story and picks up right where the previous chapter left off.

Trigger warnings for brief mentions of self-harm, so please be aware of that before continuing to read.

Thanks to those of you who read, reviewed, followed and favorited this fic. I really appreciate it.

xxxxxxxxxx

"Amanda!"

The younger woman's name rips from Olivia's throat as she frantically digs her wallet out of her purse and tosses some money at their stunned cab driver while trying to keep the blonde detective in sight through the massive crowd of people and vehicles. She scrambles out of the taxi as quickly as she can, stumbling momentarily before righting herself and taking off after Amanda, weaving in and out of the pedestrians and jumping onto the curb just as the long line of cars and trucks finally begin moving again.

"Amanda!" Olivia screams loudly once more, desperate for the other woman to hear her over the din of chatter and laughter and the honking of horns, but unsure if Amanda will actually stop and turn around if she does. "Please, wait!"

Just as she thought, her friend does not stop running or even spare a hasty glance over her shoulder as she chases Amanda through the jumble of bodies on the sidewalk, keeping a close eye on the blonde head that is bobbing between large groups of people who are out enjoying the warm summer evening. Olivia curses under her breath as she tries to keep up with Amanda as best as she can, but despite the concerning amount of weight that the detective has lost recently, along with her current lack of interest in jogging, Amanda is still a decade and a half younger than her and in better shape, and Olivia is gasping for air as she bumps into an older man holding a cane.

She apologizes profusely and rights both herself and the elderly gentleman before they go toppling to the ground, and when she looks up again, Amanda has vanished. Olivia's gaze swings hurriedly from person to person within the noisy mass, fixing briefly on each individual with piercing, probing eyes before darting to the next, intent on quelling the panic that is pulling tightly around her rib cage and making it even harder to draw in a deep breath.

Just when Olivia thinks she has lost her for good; that Amanda has been swallowed up by the horde and she won't be able to locate her again, she spots the small blonde ducking into a nearby alleyway. Olivia springs from a standstill into a sprint, a faint relief bleeding into the overwhelming anxiety, and dashes toward the alley, pushing her way past every single person who steps in front of her.

When she reaches the dark, narrow strip between two towering buildings, the space filled with gravel and garbage and the smell strong enough to make her head spin and her stomach churn, Olivia's heart clenches inside her chest when she sees Amanda bent over at the waist with her hands braced on her knees. The other woman is still sobbing in giant, gulping cries, long hair hanging down around her face in a disheveled golden curtain and her entire body shuddering so violently that Olivia wonders how she is able to stay on her feet.

Not more than a second later, Amanda is wobbling precariously on legs that seem unable to keep holding her up, the small detective looking as if she is about to collapse, and Olivia leaps forward to catch her, heart pounding with exertion and tendrils of sweat-dampened hair clinging to her forehead. She locks her arms around Amanda's trim waist, the younger woman immediately sagging into her taller form with a muffled cry, and they both fall backward against the rough brick wall behind them.

Olivia winces in pain when her body hits the hard surface but doesn't let go, both of them panting from the unexpected exercise and extreme emotion, Amanda a limp puddle of tears in her embrace. For a moment they hover there in a mess of tangled arms and legs and gasping sobs, waiting to catch their breaths, until it becomes clear that Amanda can no longer remain on her feet at all and begins sliding slowly down the wall.

Olivia is ready to catch her detective again, her arms looped tightly around the quivering figure as her own legs fold beneath her and she finds herself sitting on the dirty ground with her weeping subordinate sprawled partly across her lap. Despite the filth that surrounds them, Olivia makes no move to get up and instantly gathers Amanda closer to her, rocking the distressed woman back and forth on her thighs while whispering soothing words into her ear.

Even though she has a couple of decades of experience dealing with situations that involve severe emotional trauma, Olivia feels somewhat out of her element as she seeks to bring comfort to Amanda; not used to the blonde detective behaving in this fashion and having become accustomed to the other woman's indifferent attitude over the past few months. Tears are brimming in her eyes again as she thinks back to the disturbing scene in her office after the shoot-out at the Labott house, when she had been the bearer of bad news and had told Amanda that she was responsible for Esther's death, wishing she had held the younger woman like this instead of getting up and walking away.

Just as she does now, Olivia had felt rather out of her depth when confronted with Amanda's fragility and remorse, overcome with shock and anguish at the normally stoic detective's complete breakdown, and had been unsure of exactly how to handle it. Aware of Amanda's private nature and the smaller woman's tendency to put emotional and physical distance between herself and others when she is upset, Olivia had chosen to back off when she should have wrapped her distraught friend in her arms, but she vows to make up for it now.

"It's okay, honey, I'm here, I've got you," she murmurs quietly as she rests her chin on top of a bent blonde head, relieved that Amanda is snuggling into her body instead of running away again.

The younger woman is now clutching onto Olivia with the same force she had used in her effort to escape from her, and Olivia clutches her back just as hard, the two of them entwined together in a twisted pile of limbs on the dusty gravel. Amanda's sobs have not ceased in their intensity and have only grown stronger, and Olivia holds her tightly as she finally lets go of everything that has been pent up inside for so long.

"I'm sorry," she says with a soft sincerity, stroking a gentle hand over rumpled locks of unkempt hair. "I'm sorry I haven't been there for you lately. I pulled away from you when I should have stayed with you in my office, and I should have pushed harder for you to open up to me when I saw how much you were struggling in the aftermath. Please forgive me, Amanda."

Olivia's regretful tears spill from her eyes and run in rivulets down her cheeks as Amanda lifts her head away from her chest and fixes her with a confused expression, those haunted blue eyes staring up at her intently. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Liv." The other woman's voice is raspy and choked as she raises a trembling arm and Olivia feels a fleeting touch against her damp cheek. "I didn't deserve your compassion when you told me what I had done, and I don't deserve it now. And I kept pushing you away because I didn't want this to happen."

Amanda gestures around the cramped alleyway and ducks her head as if in shame, another prolonged sob escaping her mouth, and Olivia's heart shatters as she rocks the shaking bundle on her lap. "Amanda, you do deserve compassion," she whispers fiercely, leaning down to place a tender kiss on the top of her head. "You deserve comfort and kindness and understanding. What happened was an accident. A horrible and irreversible accident, yes, but an accident nonetheless. And you deserved more of all of those things from me that day, but I think everything that was happening threw me off guard and I wasn't quite sure how to handle it."

Olivia reaches shaking fingers beneath Amanda's chin in an effort to pry the younger woman's face away from her neck so they are looking each other in the eye, teary blue orbs meeting her own watery brown ones. "I'm here for you now, though, alright? And I'm not leaving you alone to deal with this by yourself any longer. This stops right now, do you understand me? No more running away and pretending that everything is fine. I need you to talk to me."

Amanda is silent for a moment as they gaze at one another, Olivia stroking mussed hair away from the detective's blotchy cheeks and running a thumb beneath her eyes to remove the tears. "I meant what I said, Liv. I don't deserve your compassion. I don't deserve anything after what I've done. I don't deserve to-"

Olivia watches as the smaller woman cuts herself off with a harsh cough and tries to yank her body out of her grasp, but she holds fast to the squirming form and lowers her face right in front of Amanda's so they are forced to make eye contact again. "Tell me what you were going to say," she demands in a voice that is more harsh than gentle. "Tell me right now, Amanda. You don't deserve to what?"

"To live."

The words are spoken in a nearly inaudible tone, Amanda's voice utterly flat and completely devoid of emotion now, like she has accepted this as the truth and is unwilling to let Olivia attempt to change her mind.

"Oh, sweetheart." Olivia is grasping onto both sides of the younger woman's face, her fingers wet with Amanda's tears as her own continue to fall, bringing their foreheads together briefly before pulling back to plant another soft kiss on the puckered skin there.

She is struck with the same sensation that she had been swamped with inside the cab; that even though Amanda is literally perched in her lap and had been sitting right beside her on the seat earlier, and they have never been closer either physically or emotionally, Olivia still feels like the detective is slipping away from her and she is going to disappear. She is desperate to show Amanda that she still deserves to be in this world and is worthy of living a full and happy life, but looking at the hopeless expression on her face, she is unsure of the best way to go about doing that.

What Olivia does know for sure, however, is that Amanda needs help and she needs it now; that time is of the essence here and she can't risk letting the younger woman do something harmful to herself that she won't be able to come back from. "Thank you for being honest with me," she finally says in a hushed tone, stroking her thumbs in a soothing motion up and down Amanda's temples. "I'm so sorry you're going through this, honey. I'm so sorry this happened and things have been so hard for you over the past few months. But you tried your best to help Esther, and now I need to try my best to help you."

Amanda jerks away from her again with a soft grunt, sliding onto the crunchy gravel they are sitting on and trying to scramble away on her hands and knees before she slips into the dirt in her rush to flee. Olivia grabs her gently from behind and pulls Amanda into her body so the younger woman's back is resting against her chest, holding onto her while she struggles and terrified of losing her in the crowd if she dares to let go.

"Calm down, sweetheart, just calm down," she urges quietly as Amanda wrestles weakly in her grip before sagging into her with a resigned, defeated sob.

"I'm sorry," Amanda weeps brokenly, bent over at the waist with the force of her agony and Olivia bending with her, keeping the crying, shuddering figure close to her chest and feeling the racing of the other woman's heart through their clothing. "I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry for killing her when I was supposed to be protecting her. I was supposed to save her. I'm a murderer, Olivia. Esther was innocent. She was one of the good ones and I took her life away. I did what her father was already doing; stealing her life from her, but this time it was permanent. So please listen to me when I tell you that I don't deserve anything from you, Liv."

"Oh, Amanda. Oh, honey." In spite of her supreme effort to hold another wave of tears inside, the salty liquid comes cascading over Olivia's wet cheeks as she scoops the small detective back into her lap and rocks her like a baby, unable to think of the right words to say in the face of her friend's deep anguish and only able to convey her compassion through physical touch.

Amanda is gripping fistfuls of Olivia's shirt in her hands now, instead of trying to continue with her escape out of the alley, the two women grasping onto one another tightly as they cry together on the ground, pedestrians strolling by a few feet away and completely oblivious to the emotional breakdown that is occurring so close to them. They hold onto each other for several minutes, arms winding around backs and faces pressing into shoulders as soft weeping fills the dim, narrow space, Olivia clasping Amanda more tightly when the smaller woman becomes so limp in her embrace that she is danger of slipping onto the gravel again.

"I'm so tired, Liv." The fatigue in Amanda's voice and body is more than obvious, the blonde detective appearing to be fighting to even stay upright in Olivia's lap, and she peers down into weary blue eyes that are alive with feeling now, instead of that blank look that has resided in them for so long.

"I know you are, honey," Olivia replies softly, smoothing a hand over a waterfall of wild golden hair and pushing the rumpled strands out of Amanda's flushed face. "I can imagine the toll that this has taken on you has left you exhausted beyond words. But things are going to start getting better now, do you hear me? I'm going to make sure they get better for you instead of getting even worse."

"I don't think they can get much worse at this point," Amanda replies wryly, a sad smile gracing her lips before it drops away and her mouth tugs down at the corners again.

"Yes, they can," Olivia says in a pained whisper, gripping the sides of Amanda's face again a little harder than she means to, and feeling instant regret as she watches her wince in response to the tighter grasp. "Things can definitely get much worse and we're going to get you some help before they do. I know you don't like the thought of that, and it makes you angry and maybe a little scared to think of letting someone else help you through this, but it has to be done, honey. I don't want you to do something to hurt yourself."

Instead of immediately replying with rage or fear or an outright denial that she would do anything harmful to herself, Amanda simply nods quietly in response, Olivia's eyebrows raising in surprise and relief thrumming through her at the softening of the younger woman's attitude; at Amanda's willingness to at least listen to what she is saying and carefully consider it instead of just simply dismissing her lieutenant's words. "I want you to believe that you're worthy of getting help and living a good life, and that you deserve compassion and kindness and understanding," she continues tenderly, giving Amanda's upper arms a quick squeeze as they continue gazing at each other.

"I don't know if I'll ever be able to believe that, Liv," Amanda replies raggedly, her face crumpling like she is going to burst into tears again before her features smooth out into a more relaxed position.

"I think you will in time," Olivia answers with a confidence that she doesn't quite feel just yet, but a tiny flame of optimism beginning to burn deep down inside of her. "But you need to be patient with yourself. You need to let yourself get to that point. It's going to take perseverance and hard work. And you can't give up, sweetheart. You have to do everything you can to keep pushing forward."

Amanda nods again without speaking, her eyes downcast now and her entire body trembling with emotion and exhaustion, and Olivia gathers her tightly against her chest once more, resuming her soothing motions of rocking the other woman back and forth. "We need to get you out of here, honey," she tells her detective softly, feeling Amanda burrow into the front of her body as if she is trying to meld the two of them together. "We're going to go to your place instead of mine, okay? We can order some dinner and then you should try to get some sleep. I can stay overnight on the couch, and then once we're both more rested, we can talk about the next steps to take, alright? We need to get you on the road to recovery."

"Okay, Liv." Amanda's voice is tiny and deflated, the younger woman slumped so heavily against Olivia's chest that she is sure it's going to be a difficult task getting them both to their feet and walking out to the street to hail another cab. "Thank you for everything you're doing for me. I'm sorry I've been so hard to deal with lately."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Olivia assures her quietly, repeating the same words back to Amanda that the detective had said to her. "And you're more than welcome, sweetheart. I should have done something to help you much earlier and I never should have let things get this far. I promise I'll be there with you every step of the way from now on."

Amanda pulls away from her just enough so they are looking straight at one another again, a small spark of hope lighting up those watery blue eyes and the hint of a genuine smile on her face now. Olivia smiles back, threading her fingers through Amanda's blonde hair and giving her shoulder a comforting squeeze, vowing to help her fight this darkness and emerge back into the light.