Nobody teaches you how to reminisce

Nobody teaches you to hurt like this

Then we slide into the arms of someone else

Yeah, we slide into the arms of someone else

-James Bay

Chapter 14

"I'm really happy Barry's back," I paused. "But something's different about him. He seems distant. What do you think it is?" I asked Felicity as we sat in our usual booth at The Spot. The boys were with Oliver for a play date and Thea cooed in her stroller next to Felicity.

"One word…Jay." She said plainly.

"Why would Jay be the problem?" I asked throwing my hands in the air.

"Really? I'll tell you why Jay is the problem. It's because he wants to bang you and Barry knows that."

"But Jay is just my friend, and did you just say bang?" I rolled my eyes at her answer and took a long sip off my chocolate milkshake.

"Is that what you think? Friends? Jay is not 'friends' with any woman." She put her hands up making air quotes with the word friends. "I've told you this before but be careful when it comes to Jay. He is a womanizer and he is only playing the friend to get in your pants." She paused letting her words sink in. "Plus, Barry and Jay were not the best of friends in high school. In fact, I think they hated each other."

"Really? I had no idea." I said. I pictured Barry's expression when Jay came out of the kitchen the other night. His eyes went cold and his features turned stone faced, as he shook Jay's hand.

"And of course," Felicity continued. "Barry has feelings for you, that we both know." She pointed her finger at me as if to say don't even bother denying it. "I think he might be a little jealous." It was her turn to take a sip of chocolate milkshake.

"Barry is not jealous, he is engaged. He's getting married in a couple months." I protested. I know he's not jealous. He couldn't be jealous. Right? "If anything, I should be the one who is jealous." I added.

"Oh really?" she said coyly.

"You know what I mean."

"Do I?" She said with the milkshake stray playfully sitting on her lips.

"I had a hard time moving on after Ronnie died. Trying to get over my guilt and my grief." I could feel a lump grow in my throat, and I choked it down. "Barry was there for me when I needed someone and helped me through it, but then he just left. He abandoned our friendship."

"Only because you told him you needed time a part. What was he supposed to do?" she said with a hint of attitude.

"I don't know, but I didn't think he would leave. Especially for so long. I had to move on without him." As much as I missed Barry while he was away, it was good for me to get that distance. I was able to clear my head and focus on RJ and getting on with my life. It was hard, but I was able to get up every day and breath and say today is a new day. I was able to get a job and get a since of independence. It took a long time before I thought I was going to be able to get on with my life without Ronnie… and without Barry, but I did. I made friends at work and went out to dinner, and movies and I was able to do it without thinking of what I had lost. I was starting to think I could be happy again, but then; Barry came back from his absence and it was like the other half of myself came alive. A half of myself I didn't even know was missing until I saw his face. Until I saw his eyes. "You're right." I said quietly. "I pushed him away. Now he's back and I'm pushing him away again with my friendship with Jay." I knew what I had to do. I had to choose between Jay or Barry. But there was no question on who I would choose.

"What are you guys doing for Thanksgiving?" Felicity asked, changing the subject and breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Oh, changing the subject." I joked, but I was glad for the shift in direction of the conversation. I didn't want to think or talk about it anymore. "Not sure, but RJ wants to go see Ronnie the day before. It's his birthday wish. He told me he didn't want any toys this year, he just wanted to see his daddy. How heart breaking is that?"

She put her hand over her heart and gripped it, "He is such a good kid. You really lucked out with him, you know that right?" I nodded my head in agreement. "Are you going to be okay with going to the cemetery? I know you haven't been there since the funeral." She said concerned.

"I don't know. I don't know if I can handle seeing his headstone, but I have to do it."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No. I need to do this on my own. I think it would be good for just RJ and I to go. We'll be there for each other, and I think that is what he needs. He misses his Dad." I could feel that lump returning to my throat.

"Well I want you guys to come to my house when you get back. And I want you to come over for Thanksgiving too. We're staying home this year." She said lightly putting a smile on my face.

"I think we just might take you up on that offer, as long as you don't mind my mother tagging along."

Felicity put her fingers to her chin and squinted her eyes in an exaggerated thinking gesture, "I think that'll be ok. Just make sure she doesn't hit on my husband."

"Hey, I can't make promises I can't keep." I said as we laughed together.

We paid the tab and gathered our things to leave. "Oh Hey," I caught Felicity's attention as we started for the door. "I wanted to ask you. After we got back from taking the kids trick or treating, it looked like Barry and Oliver were arguing over something. Like whisper fighting or something. Do you know what that was about?"

"I know. I noticed that too and I asked Oliver when we got home, and he said they were talking about zoning laws or some shit like that." She looked at me and her expression spoke the confusion of his answer. "I don't know. Their weird guys."

My anxiety grew the closer RJ and I got the cemetery. RJ sat in his booster seat in the back seat playing with his cars. He was excited. I wish I shared just one once of his happiness. The old feelings of guilt and grief swept over me. I knew it was going to be hard coming here. My chest tightened as I got out of my car. I unhooked RJ from his booster, took a deep breath then we walked hand in hand to Ronnie's grave site.

"Look Mommy there it is. I remember." RJ did remember where it was, but what caught my attention was the woman standing next to the headstone, and the fresh flowers that lay on the site. A sense of familiarity grips me the closer we get. I know this woman, but I'm not sure from where.

RJ released my hand and ran the last couple of feet to the site. He startles the woman at Ronnie's grave. "Hello." He says happily. "This is my Daddy. Who are you?"

"I'm a friend." She said with hesitation.

"Hi," I say as I reach the two of them. There is definitely something familiar about this woman, but I just can't put my finger on it. "I'm sorry but I don't think we have met." I stuck my hand out to shake hers. Maybe she came to the funeral or the wake, and in my grief, I don't remember meeting her.

She shook with a "Hello." But she dropped my hand quickly and became uneasy. "I'm Marcia."

"I'm Caitlin. It's nice to meet you. How did you know Ronnie?" I asked feeling a sense of unease myself.

"I didn't think you would be here. I'm sorry to intrude. I thought you might come tomorrow and," her words trailed off. Why was she acting so anxious?

"It's RJ's birthday today. He wanted to see his dad." I glanced down at RJ, he had his hand on the headstone and was whispering secretly to his daddy. A tear welled up in my eye and I wiped it away quickly. "How do you know Ronnie?" I asked again quickly, trying to hide the hoarseness in my voice.

Her eyes darted around but never setting on me. "I really must go. Again, I'm sorry if I intruded. I'm sure I'm the last person you want to see right now."

She started to turn, but I caught her arm. "What are you talking about? If you're a friend of Ronnie's, you have as much a right to be here as I do." I gripped her arm harder not sure why, but I didn't want her to leave without telling me what ever it was she was hiding.

Tears started coming down her face, "Can we step away for a moment?"

I nodded my head in agreement, then said, "RJ, Mommy and this nice lady are going to be right over there for a moment. Ok?"

"Okie dokie Mommy." He said and turned his attention back to his cars and Ronnie's headstone.

Marcia and I walked about 4 sites away, out of ear shot, but keeping RJ in sight. I stood waiting for her to speak with an irritated look on my face. She met my eyes for the first time. She had deep gray eyes that were blood shot from crying. She was pretty, but her features were hard. I knew she was military. She wore no makeup, so her sun touched faced showed random freckles from sun exposure. Her nose was straight and narrow but had a scar at the top of the bridge between her eyes. Ronnie had a similar scar. It was from his helmet. She had high cheek bones that gave her a narrow face with a sharp jaw. Her puffy lips pulled her long mouth into a frown before she spoke. "I'm so sorry. I really didn't want to meet you this way. I had hoped before Ronnie had passed that maybe…" she trailed off. Her arms were straight and stiff at her sides and her hands were balled so tightly into fists her knuckles were turning white.

"I told you it was fine." I reached up to pat her shoulder and she pulled away.

"Are you sure you don't know who I am?" she asked suddenly.

"I know I was a little out of it at the funeral and the wake, so If we met-"

"We've never met." She cut me off. I opened by mouth to say something, but she continued, "Did Ronnie leave you anything?"

I looked at her puzzled. Like what? We were married. Everything he had went to me. I shook my head, "Was he supposed to leave you something in his will? Who are you?" I asked again with more insistence.

"We were having an affair!" she said a little too loudly. I saw RJ peek a look over at us.

My chest tightened and I lost the ability to breath. I suddenly recognized her. She was the woman from my dream. The woman Ronnie kissed so passionately and then walked away with. I must have known on some subconscious level that that woman would be real. And here she is standing inches away from me. I looked down at my feet waiting for the ground to open a black hole a swallow me, but it never did. I stayed where I was. In realty. This was not a dream.

"I'm so sorry." She said through sobs. "He told me the last time we saw each other he was going to tell you. He said he was going to write you a letter. When I saw you, I wasn't sure what he had said, so I was nervous, but I can't live with it anymore. He was the love of my life and I miss him so much. I'm so lost."

The shock of her revelation had now turned into anger, "You're what? You're lost? Really? Because he was MY husband! How dare you come here and tell me you miss him. That he was the love of your life!" I wanted to scream, but I didn't want RJ to hear, so I yelled at this woman as quietly as I could contain myself. "I don't care what he told you. He was my husband!"

"Caitlin, please," she begged.

"Don't you fucking do that. Don't you fucking say my name." My body shook with anger. How could Ronnie do this? I knew the answer, but I didn't want to hear it from her. I didn't want someone else, let alone the woman my husband was fucking, to say the one thing I had felt in my core.

"He didn't love you anymore!" she shouted back at me. "He loved me, and he was going to leave you." I slapped her across the face. She didn't move. She didn't even put her hand to cheek to rub out the pain, just left it to get red. She was a tough woman, and I could suddenly see why Ronnie loved her. We stood in front of each other just staring. Not moving. Not welding. We stood our ground with each other.

"Check his rucksack." She said quietly, her emotions in check. Then turned and walked away.

I tore into the boxes in my mothers' garage as soon as RJ and I got back from the cemetery. I didn't know which box his rucksack was in, but I was determined to find it. Marcia's words echoed in my head all the way home, "We were having an affair". Tears streamed down my face as I ripped open box after box tossing them aside when I didn't find what I wanted. Then I saw a box with his name written on it. It wasn't my handwriting. My mother must have packed this box.

I tore into it feverishly. The box was filled with all things Ronnie. His hairbrush, razer, electric shaver and hair clippers. Street clothes and uniforms. I picked up his favorite ragged t-shirt and put to my face. I inhaled deeply. It stilled smelled like him, though the scent was fading. I thought I was done with grieving, but sitting here with his things, these inanimate objects that used to belong him, used to belong to my husband, I started sobbing on the floor of the garage with this box in my hands.

I wiped the tears away with the t-shirt that is still in my hands and start carefully taking his things out to get to his rucksack on the bottom. Once I have the bag out of the box, I place it between my legs. My heart starts to quicken with fear at what I'm going to find in it. I trace my fingers softly over his embroidered name, take a deep breath and open the top flap. There are some clothes still in the bag. Some green t-shirts and camo pants and jackets. I check the pockets and find nothing. My body relaxes slightly as I think, that chick was just crazy there is no letter. I start checking some of the side pouches and pockets still finding no letter. I do find a small photo album he would take with him on deployment. It had our wedding photo and some candids of us, but mostly pictures of RJ. I flip through the book, smiling at some pictures, laughing at the memory of others. When I reach the end of the book, and I freeze.

On the last page in a photo slot is a folded piece of paper. I stare at this piece of paper not able to move or retrieve it from its plastic covering. I can see Ronnie's handwriting on the inside of the fold and panic grips my heart. I place my hand over the photo slot trying to imagine it wasn't there, trying to tell myself it's not real, it's not there. But as soon as I move my hand, I see it's still there.

I gingerly pinch the paper between my fingers and pull it slowly out its home. I unfold it painfully slow, knowing with each unfold I am closer to the inevitable truth. I close my eyes as I open the last fold. I open one eye slowly and see the heading of the letter, "Dear Caity Bear," is all I can read before I fold it up again and run to Barry's house.

I pound on his door praying he is home. He answered the door after what seemed like an eternity. He sees the panic look on my face and asked, "What's wrong? Are you ok?"

"No. No I'm not." I hold up the folded letter. "He was cheating on me! He was going to leave me!" Barry looked from the letter to me and back to the letter.

"What are you talking about?" He guided me to the couch, so I could sit down. I felt as if I would start to hyperventilate. I told him about going to the cemetery and running into that woman, and what she told me, and then I held up the letter.

"Can you read it to me?" I ask softly. "I just can't bring myself to read it." I gently place it in his hands. He opens the letter and reads it to himself. "I think you need to read this. This can't come from me." He hands me back the tainted piece of paper. I hold my breath and start to read, "Dear Caity Bear,

I know this is going to sound cliché, but this is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. I want you to know that I will always love you, but things have become strained between us, and I think they have been that way for a long time. When RJ was born, I started to feel like you were becoming distant, and distracted. At first, I thought it was just the new baby and things would go back to the way they were, but it never did. I would come home, and I would feel unwanted, unnecessary, so I started spending more time away from home. And I started to find solace in a friend, and it turned into so much more. I'm sorry if I've hurt you, and I know this is the most cowardly way to do this, but I can't bare to see the pain in your eyes. We've been together for so long and I know you so well, so I know you would try to stop me. I know you're not happy with me Caitlin. Go find what makes you happy. I did. And please know that I never meant to hurt you or RJ."

He had scratched out the word love and signed it with just his name. My hands fell into my lap and the paper crumpled. Tears fell off my cheeks in a slow stream leaving watermarks on the paper.

"He was going to leave me." I chocked out finally.

Barry put his arm around me, "I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but maybe this is a good thing and it can help you move on. He says in the letter he was happy, and you should find your happiness. Doesn't that make you feel better to know he was happy, maybe not with you, but…" he let his words trail off.

No, it didn't feel better knowing that my husband was in love with someone else and was going to leave me. No, it didn't feel better knowing he felt unloved. No, it didn't feel better knowing that my marriage was a facade.

I looked up into Barry's emerald green eyes and felt a tug in my chest. The same tug I always feel when I'm around him. I kiss him, slowly, putting all my pain and anger aside and wanting nothing more than to feel only him. Wanting his arms around me, his body near mine, but he pushes me away, "Cait…we can't." he whispers.

"Please," I beg. "Please make love to me. I need you. I need to feel better." I run my hand through his soft hair then cup his face in my palm.

He placed his hand over mine, "I…" he started to say. "Not like this."

"Please." I begged again. "I need to forget how much Ronnie has hurt me."

He dropped his hand and pulled away from me. He stood up suddenly. "What's wrong?" I asked, my throat still horse.

"Is that all I am to you?" He asked heatedly.

"What do you mean?"

"Am I just some emotional crutch to you? Just a cock you can use when you need to feel better? You use me and then leave me without any regard for my feelings."

His words felt like a slap in the face. "You know you are more to me than that."

"Then why do you push me away? Why do you led me on with kisses and touches and then tell me you need time apart? Why?" His voice was getting louder with resentment.

"Because you're engaged!" I blurted out. "I can't be anything to you but a friend because you are engaged to someone else."

"But you want me to make love to you right now. How is that just being a friend?" he said callously.

I stood up slowly, crushed by his words and Ronnie's letter. I came to Barry for comfort and all I found was distain. "I think I better go."

He opened the front door without a word, then closed it behind me and I heard the dead bolt turn. I pulled out my cell phone from my pocket and called the only person I could think of at that moment. "Can you come get me? I'm at home." I said when the line picked up.

"I'll be there in 5 minutes." Jay said on the other end.