I tried to repress it, then I carried its crown

I reached out to undress it and love let me down

Love let me down

So I tried to erase it, but the ink bled right through

Almost drove myself crazy when these words led to you

-Damien Rice

Prologue

She squinted into the night, as her windshield wipers worked hard against the pouring rain. She had been driving for several hours and was starting to feel cramped and tired. She didn't think she would make it through the night and thought of stopping at the next motel for the night.

Off in the distance she could see faint flashing lights of a car on the side of the road. She would never stop in the middle of the night to help someone with their car. What if it was a trick? Hell no.

She drove by the car and wasn't going to give it a second thought, but something made her look over. She could see a soaking wet young man waving at her, trying to flag her down. He looked so helpless. So, lost. She drove past him with every intention to just keep going, but she stopped, threw the car in reverse, and rolled down the passenger window.

"You need a lift?", she found herself saying without even thinking. His smile was slightly crooked, and he let out a sigh of relief. He leaned into the window, crossing his arms. His wet hair stuck to his face and rolled off his pale cheeks into the passenger seat. "I just need to use your phone. Mines dead, and I don't have my charger. I just want to call a tow truck."

She couldn't tear her gaze away from his eyes. He had kind eyes. Sad eyes. Eyes the color of the deepest emerald green that she had ever seen, and they glowed, even in the low light of the car.

"You're never gonna get a tow truck out here at this time and in this rain. I was going to stop at the next motel." She couldn't believe the words that came out of her mouth next, "Why don't we split the room? I won't have to pay full price, and you can dry off and then call someone in the morning."

He hesitated a moment with a questioning look on his face, but nodded his head and his crooked smile returned. He slipped into her car, happy to be out of the rain.

She reached into the back seat and rummaged in her duffel bag, finding a towel for him to dry himself off with. "Thank you so much. You know, you're the forth car I've seen tonight. No one else would stop for me."

"You're welcome," she said dryly. "I actually was going to keep driving, but you looked so pathetic standing in the rain, like a lost puppy. I had to stop." She chuckled a little. Why was her mouth running without even thinking? She would never say something like that to someone.

"Oh jeez, thanks!" He said, a little offended, but he still smiled at her.

She looked over, and flashed him a brilliant smile, and his heart skipped. He watched her intently. Her focus on the road, her hands so pensive at 10 at 2 on the steering wheel. Her dark wavy hair was pulled away from her face in a pony tale. He followed the line of her jaw down her graceful neck. Suddenly, she turned her head, "You ok?" She turned her focus back to the road. "You're kinda freaking me out a little with the staring."

He cleared his throat, "Oh…Sorry. I'm just grateful. Not a lot of people would have stopped." He turned his head toward the road. "It's hard to find help these days. A lot of crazies in the world. Ya know what I mean?"

"Why would you say something like that?!" She said a little upset. "Now I'm gonna think you're an axe murderer or something. Thanks a lot bonehead!"

"No no no, that's not what I mean. I'm not an axe murderer."

"That's just what an axe murderer would say." She slammed on her brakes and the car slide slightly on the wet pavement. She quickly turned her head and stared him in the eye.

"Really…I'm a nice guy." He said defensively, with his hands up.

She started laughing. A deep hardy laugh from the pit of her stomach. "I'm just fucking with you." She said between breaths. He let his body relax a little, "That's just mean." He tried to keep a straight face but burst into laughter along with her.

They soon reached the nearest motel. It was a small single-story motel with about 15 rooms laid out in a L shape. As she pulled into the driveway, they both looked at each other and said in unison, "Bates Motel." She ran into the office and rented a room with two twin beds. She pulled into a parking spot in front of their room and grabbed her duffel bag from the back seat.

Exhausted from driving, she flopped down on the bed face first, burying her face in a pillow, kicking her shoes off and wiggling her toes.

"Do you need to use the bathroom first? I was going to take a shower, if that's ok with you?" He asked. "I just want to get out of these wet clothes and warm up a bit."

"Have at it." Her words muffled by the pillow. Then she quickly lifted her head, "Wait. I have something you can wear."

"Really?" He questioned with one eyebrow cocked up.

"Yes. It's an old tee shirt that was my dad's. I use it as a night shirt. You're gonna need to hang those clothes up to dry. She dug in her duffel bag and pulled out an old light blue tee shirt with a faded Superman symbol on the front. "Thanks." He said as she handed him the shirt. He couldn't believe her kindness.

"No problem." She said looking into his shining emerald green eyes again. She could get lost in those eyes. She could see herself diving deep into his eyes never wanting to come up for air, and it scared her.

He shivered as his wet clothes clung to his lean muscular frame, "I better get in that shower."

"Yeah, you don't want to catch a cold or something like that. My mom would be convinced you already had pneumonia." She chuckled nervously.

When he got out of the shower, she had fallen asleep with half her face nuzzled in the pillow. He covered her with the comforter folded at the foot of the bed. "Thank you." He whispered in her ear. "Whoever you are." She snorted and rolled over. He smiled down at her, moving a rogue strand of hair away from her face, then slipped into his bed.

He woke with a start as he felt someone slipping into his small bed. He wasn't sure what time it was, but the rain had finally stopped. His eyes weren't used to the dark yet, so he couldn't quite make out the figure, but he knew who it was. She placed her hand gently on his cheek and kissed his lips softly. He pulled back a little, "But you're – ", she laid a finger over his lips. "Ssshhhhh. It's ok. I want this."

Their lips found each other in the dark, coming together slow and timid. Their mouths opened and closed with virgin uncertainty. He could feel her tear stained face and started to pull away, but she held him closer to her. He wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her underneath him. She slipped her hand under the blankets and found his already swollen cock. She knew he wanted this too and she spread her legs for him, guiding his hard cock into her wanting sex. They moaned in unison as he sheathed himself deep inside her.

He kissed her deep and breathless, letting his tongue play with hers. Her hands slowly traveled down his back to his buttocks, and seized each cheek pushing him inside her deeper. She sucked in a breath as the coil inside her tightened. She moved her hips against him faster, squeezing him from inside. She bite down on his shoulder, stifling a scream of pleasure. Silent tears slowly flowed from her eyes, and he wiped them away.

He moaned loudly and quickened his trusts as he edged closer to climax. He buried his face in her neck, smelling her sweet peachy hair. His arms wrapped tighter around her, feeling her whole body against his, and he released with a deep groan.

He opened his mouth to say something, and she caught his lips with a soft kiss. She could see the sparkle of his emerald green eyes even now in the dark. She could lose herself in those eyes. And she was not afraid.

He woke the next morning to an empty bed and an empty hotel room.

Chapter 1

"Life happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon said that. He was so right. I had so many plans for my life. Good plans. Solid plans. But Life, happened.

Ronnie and I got married right out of High School, and he joined the Army. He was going to be a soldier and I was going to be a soldier's wife. We were going to have 3 kids and live in a big house, and we were going to grow old together. Not too much to ask for, right? But Life looked at my plans and said, "I don't think so chicky." What a bitch.

Now I'm a 29-year-old widow with a 5-year son, who doesn't quite understand that his Daddy is never coming home. How do you deal with something like that?

Well, I am, unfortunately, moving back to my mother's house. My mother and I have never had the best relationship. After my father died, she kind of shut down, drifted through life, and I was left alone. That's when I found Ronnie. We dated all through High School and he was everything I ever wanted. He was kind and giving. He wanted kids, just like I did. We would talk for hours about what our life was going to be like. I imagined seating on a porch swing together as our grand-kids played in our front yard.

We had a small wedding, just mostly family and a few friends. He was off to basic training 3 weeks after we were married. When he was back, he wanted to start a family right away, because guys with families get housing quicker. We tried for 2 years, and still no baby. He would ship out and we would try again when he came back, but it looked like it wasn't going to happen for us. And then after 5 years of trying, our little miracle came along. That's what we called him. Our Miracle.

Ronnie advanced pretty fast in the system. He was smart, determined and dedicated. He was stationed in Star City and we had a little 2 bedroom house. Things were going really well. Ronnie Junior, or RJ as we came to call him, was going to be starting kindergarten. I was going to work part time at the school. Life was good. But it can't always stay that way, can it?

When you're an army wife you prepare yourself for the worst when your husband is deployed, but when their home, you're not suppose to worry. You're not suppose to think the worst can happen, but it did. He had run to the Kwik E Mart for some ice cream. He always had a sweet tooth. He tried to be the hero and stop an armed robber. During the struggle he was shot and killed instantly.

Now I stare down at my husband's coffin, and wonder what I could have done differently. Should I have told him not to go? Should I have gone with him? Should I have bought ice cream the last time I was at the store? I don't know. Was this the plan that Life had for me?

"Caitlin?" My mother said softly as she put her hands gently on my shoulders, wakening me out my thoughts. "You've been staring at that thing for an hour. Don't you want to go home?" She looked at me with the same pitiful looks she got when my father died. Does she remember what it felt like? I thought she of all people would know what it's like to lose the one person you thought would be with you forever.

I nodded my head, taking one last look at the shiny wooden box that held the man I loved for most of my life. "Where's RJ?" My voice crackled in a way I didn't expect.

"He fell asleep in the car." She wrapped an arm around my shoulders, guiding me away from the open grave. It hurt to walk away. It felt wrong to leave him there. It was cold and dark and all I wanted to do at that very moment was join him, but I couldn't leave our little boy. I couldn't shut down like my mother had. He's only 5 and doesn't understand what's going on. At least I was 14 and I could take care of myself. He's still so little. My miracle.

I slipped into the back seat with him, and gently placed his head in my lap. "Mommy?" he whispered in his sleep. "Ssshhh. It's ok baby, I'm here." I brush my fingers through his hair and try to think of only him. I need to be strong. I need to be focused on my son, so he can get through this.

His hair is still so soft and baby fine, with a slight curl at the end. His cheeks are rosy red from sleep. I smile down at him, remembering him as a baby. Holding him, feeding him, changing him. Ronnie would hold him so delicately. I remember, it surprised me that a man of his stature and strength could be so gentle. Every memory I have involves Ronnie. I can't remember something, and not think of him. I can't get through this and not think of him. Fresh tears threaten to break through, but I hold them back. I take a deep breath, stare out the window and think of only RJ.

I sit in the corner of my living room as random people come up to me and tell me what a great guy Ronnie was. What a brave guy he was. How they are sorry for my loss. My loss. What loss? The loss of my husband? The loss of my best friend? The loss of the life I was going to have with him? What exactly are they sorry for? They're not the prick that decided he needed to rob a convenience store and kill my husband for 75 bucks. I stare blankly at these people for so long that their faces just become a blur. Faceless mourners who are only here for the free food and the social points.

"Please leave." I say quietly, standing slowly. I look around expecting them to put down their drinks and plates, but they don't move. They don't see me. They're sorry for my loss, but they don't see me. "Please leave," I say a little louder. I get nothing but stares of confusion. "What is wrong with you people?" I start walking around the room, still met with blank faces. "Get the fuck out of my house!" I start yelling at the top of my lungs. "Get out! Get out! Get the fuck out!"

My mother comes running in from the kitchen with RJ in tow, "Caitlin! What has gotten into you?" RJ ran and hid under the dinning room table holding tightly to the hot wheels car Ronnie gave him for his last birthday. It's a 1969 red Corvette with white striping on the sides. Ronnie's dream car. RJ's never seen me like this. I've never lost my temper in front of him. I want to hold it together for him. I want to stay sane for him, but I look around the room again at these blurry faced sheep, and I can't do it. "Caitlin? Answer me." She demands.

I turn sharply and face her. She's faceless too. No definition. No features. Just a blur. "What has gotten into me?! Maybe the fact that my husband is dead, Mother! Maybe that's what's wrong with me."

She stands there for a minute, speechless. I know I must have struck a cord with her, but she makes no sign of it. She walks around me and addresses the faceless cows grazing in my house, "I think Caitlin has had enough company for today. I'm sure she appreciates all of your condolences."

"Don't you dare think that you can speak for me." I spit out at her. I can feel her stare of disdain, I just can't make it out.

"Thank you all for coming." She ushered everyone out with thank you's and I'm so sorry she's acting this way and I hope you understand. She turned back to me again, then slapped my face. "I hope your happy. There were important people here. People here for you."

"You mean important people for you. I don't care about any of those people. The one person, other than RJ, that I cared about, is in a box buried in a hole." I rubbed the sting on my cheek. "I thought you of all people would understand that." I walked away. Maybe she finally remembered what it was like, or maybe she just realized I didn't want to hear whatever bullshit was going to come out of her mouth. I climbed that stairs in silence, feeling numb, grey. I stood outside my bedroom door, afraid to turn the knob. I used to sleep with a pillow when Ronnie was away. A pillow I could temporarily sleep with, but to know he was never going to sleep in Our bed again…I couldn't do that. I couldn't lie there under the comforter we picked out together, and know he was never going to sleep under it again. I turned around and found my way into RJ's room. I laid down on his tiny bed and held his pillow. The sweet smell of his bubble gum shampoo still lingered the pillow case.

"Mommy wake up." I woke to RJ shaking my shoulder. It was night time. I must have slept for a few hours. "Mommy you got to get out of my bed. Grammy says I have to go to bed now." He's still shaking my shoulder as I try to rub the sleep out of my eyes.

"Ok. Ok. I'm up." He has his dinosaur pajamas on. Ronnie's favorite. Maybe he realizes more than I give him credit for. It makes me smile and I pull him onto the bed and give him a big hug. His little body snuggles next to me, and he pats my arm. "It's gonna be ok Mommy. Daddy will always love us, and we'll always love Daddy."

I choke back the tears that are in my throat. My little miracle. I guess he really does understand. He is defiantly handling it better than I am.

"Are you going to yell at Grammy some more?" I was surprised by his question, but then I remember his face. His was the only clear face I could see, and he was so frightened of me. I never want to see that look again.

"I'm sorry I yelled. I just miss Daddy so much it makes me crazy. I promise I won't yell like that again." I kiss his head and squeeze him a little harder.

"Mommy," he complained, "I can't breathe." I laugh, then let him go and start tickling him. His laugh is sweet and innocent. I blow on his belly a few times, and he laughs harder. He gasps through his laughter, "Ok Mommy stop. Please stop."

"Ok…I'll stop." I jump off his bed and tuck him in. "Did you brush your teeth?" I ask playfully.

"I did. Grammy even checked my toothbrush."

I kissed his forehead, and whispered, "Sweet dreams. I love you to the moon and back."

"Love you too Mommy." He rolled on his side and closed his eyes. I closed the door part way and watched as he fell asleep. I used to do that when he was a baby. I'd gently run my finger on his little plump cheek. Play with is tiny fingers. Ronnie always got irritated cause he said I was going to wake him, but I never did.

I slowly descend the stairs dreading the inevitable confrontation with my mother. I stand on the last stair unable to move. Why am I such a coward when it comes to her? I take slow deep breaths, trying to calm my nerves, when I hear voices. At first, I thought it was the TV, but then I hear my mothers "flirty" laugh. The laugh she does when she's trying to hit on some random guy. I roll my eyes and head to the dinning room. At least if someone is here she won't blow up at me.

"Caitlin," my mother says in a sing song way. God, she's so fake. "You're finally up." She comes around the table and gives me a motherly hug. Better enjoy it while I can. I raise my arms and hug her back. She smells like coconuts, and White Diamonds perfume. The scents overwhelm my nostrils and give me a slight headache.

I notice out of the corner of my eye; a figure sits at my dinning room table. I pull back from my mother, and she says sweetly, "Where are my manners?" She pats him on the shoulder urging him up from his chair. "Barry Allen this is my daughter, Caitlin Snow."

"Raymond mother." I say with irritation. She has never used my married name. She never approved of Ronnie or that we got married so young. So, she never uses my married name to show her objection.

"What was that dear?"

"My last name is Raymond. Mrs. Ronnie Raymond." I stare at the nothingness of her face. Why did I agree to move in with her? This is going to be the worst experience of my life.

"Fine." Her salty reply tells everything about the look on her face. "Barry this is my daughter, Caitlin Raymond."

He stands, and he is a blurry figure, just like everyone else today. I hold out my hand to shake his, raise my head, and something about his face becomes clear. Very clear.

His eyes.

His familiar emerald green eyes.