When asked the question 'what did you do this holiday?' the appropriate response should be, "nothing much, really. Went to the movies with friends, ate a lot of pizza, stole my mom's car to go a bar while using a fake ID to get into it, ya know the usual stuff" not "oh I managed to get sucked into a different dimension where a giant purple ball-sack fight kills literally half of the universe, while getting my ass panelled by a sexually-repressed hot god…and not in a good way."

Now before y'all decide to call a mental institute on me, let me tell you that won't work, because I am already in one, so there. But I am not crazy let me tell you. Everything that I am going to write down is every bit of truth. So at least do me a favour and read my story without judgement until the end. Then you may do make of this what you will.

I am Justice Mace, and I welcome you to my topsy-turvy batshit crazy story.

XXX

It all started the same day that I started my summer holiday. Everything was going absolutely wonderfully: my crush, Tate, finally got the courage to ask me on a date to the movies. My best friends Shelly and Kaetie finally after three years of will-they-won't-they bullcrap had finally became partners, thank God. I didn't know if I could take any more of the tension between them.

The sun was shining and my new car was radiating in it. Ok nothing fancy, alright; it was just a Toyota, a graduation gift from my parents and a sweet ride to get out of that one-horse town and on my way to law school where my dreams of being a barrister might just have come true. That was, of course, if I just decided to stay at home that day.

I was having a nice drive along the peninsula jamming to my musical playlist. I was going to treat myself to a thick strawberry milkshake at this little bistro that resided near the beach.

Everything was going perfect and that was that. And you know what they say when everything is going perfect. There was only one way to go and that was down.

I arrived at the destination; my hand was already reaching to my pocket when a cluster of clouds began to clump together. The environment around me turned from a joyful, colour-rich world into a 1950's monochrome movie. I should have taken it as a sign, but I just thought it was a minor setback. But no, life is a bitch, as I soon learned quickly.

I got out of my car and walked over to the little café. It was bustling that day, more than usual. It was uncomfortably busy. And as I walked into there I felt a shiver down my spine, and the hairs on my neck stood up. That should have been my second sign, but my sugar tooth took over my natural instinct.

I continued through and sat at my favourite spot in the corner. Manny, the owner's son and a close friend beamed as he saw me walk past the counter. I had known for a long time that he had a small crush on me, but I never did anything about it. I wasn't one for confrontation, never mind rejection.

"Miss Justice!" Manny gave me a toothy grin as he showed me to a table. "The usual I suppose?"

"You know me best." I winked. Just for the record it wasn't flirty wink or anything. I do stuff like that unconsciously, ok. Don't judge me.

He scuttled off though the swinging doors that led to the kitchen. I sat, nay, reclined in my chair watching the first drops of rain hit the panel of glass looking over the turbulent sea. I personally found this type of scenery more aesthetically pleasing than dolphins jumping through waves with a halo of sun behind their fins…I suppose that is one of the other things that got me into therapy.

Anyway…

It was all great until she showed up. 'Who's she?' I hear you ask. Well she is the love child of Umbridge from Harry Potter and Metatron from Supernatural. Thinks she is the top bitch, but really is lower than dog shit. Of course there is Daddy funding all of her stupid, frivolous activities such as pasting her face with make-up or else she would scare the villagers away.

Even her name is stupid. I mean her parents have a lot to answer for, for naming their gift to the world…get this…Prada Gucci Label. I think they were high as fuck when she was brought into this universe (probably why she was so messed up). Just because you are rich, white and have the surname 'Label' it does not mean you can go around being a dick to your child. But in the immortal words of C.S. Lewis, "she probably deserved it."

And guess who was clinging to the side of her arm like the desperate piece of crap that he was? Yup it was my ex-crush, Tate, kissing her ass.

You could imagine the absolute dismay that I felt when I saw them having a contest about how quickly they could suck each other's face off.

In my head I was thinking about multiple ways I could kick his skinny ass to Valhalla and back again, but as I said before, I have the same amount of gumption as the Cowardly Lion on Scarecrow's fear gas, so I decided to leg it before he could see me. I would go home and curl up in the corner to cry and maybe send a passive-aggressive text

Unfortunately, Lady Luck was in a pissy mood that day and I tripped over a handbag of a dinar and into Manny, who had my milkshake. I alerted the whole bistro to my epic clumsiness including prize bitch and her limpet. I happened to be face to face with Tate and his face went as pink as mine without the strawberry pink froth all over him.

He looked very scared and began to stutter some bull about Prada being a fourth cousin twice removed who was really close or something ridiculously stupid. I shut him off with an angry, hurtful stare. I glanced behind him and saw Price Tag smirking at me. Smirking I say!

So I pushed poor Manny out of the way and ran towards my car. I was both relieved and disappointed that no-one came running after me to comfort me. I plonked in the car, tears rolling down my face and floored the accelerator.

The rain poured harder as I drove on. I didn't even have a single idea where on my own earth I was going to, but I was going there. I didn't help me that playlist changed to Dan Stevens singing Evermore because if there is ever a song that made me cry, it is that goddamn song.

I drove faster and faster, skidding aside to avoid oncoming traffic and those rather committed runners you always see on the road no matter the weather. I did not realise my speed until I had to break. There was a sign saying, 'DO NOT ENTER' and just under it another saying. "ROADWORKS AHEAD" but being the sad, dramatic idiot that I am, I did not see the sign until it was a few inches from slicing my forehead. Sure the sign was bigger than one of my Grandma's sandwiches and I should have seen it, but this my story and questions are only asked at the end.

I screamed as swung my wheel blindly going into a giant hole in the middle of the road. And when I mean a hole, I mean a hole like through the centre of the Earth hole, not a ditch.

I don't remember much after that. I blacked out. By all accounts I should have been six feet under, and only six feet. Somehow, God knows how or why, I survived it.

What I do remember was a fuck-ton of psychedelic fractals and flashing lights and weird floating pinks and greens and purples. It was so crazy that I think my mind overloaded and decided to conk out than instead to deal with the stuff around me.

When I came to, I was still in my car, but the scenery changed from a pleasant drive by the ocean to a crappy, old, run-down neighbourhood, somewhere that looked strangely familiar. My head was in searing pain, my shoulder was dislocated and my stomach felt like it was used as a punching bag. But hey, at least my laptop case was un-friggen-touched.

After a few groans and moans from me, I managed to slide out of the car and grab the case with me. I am cheap and sentimental about the thing, and it contained a few things that took me at great pains to download. There was no damn way on this…that Earth…that I was going to leave it behind.

I was barely ten feet away when the car spontaneously combusted and strangely the only thing I could think of at that moment was Oh, God, mom and dad are going to kill me when they find out.