forgiveness

Trapped. He's trapped within his own mind. He's screaming, but no one can hear him. He can't break free. He can't let go. He can't forgive himself for what happened all those years ago.

"I'm sorry," he whispers to the wind. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you."

I could've done more.

I could've stopped it from happening.

I could've, I should've taken his place.

I should've been the one to die.

Connor's thoughts follow him, they suffocate him. They smother him and drown him and prevent him from escaping his own mind.

He can't see it. He chooses not to. It'll be easier if he just pretends.

I wish I wasn't alive, he thinks.

If I wasn't alive, perhaps I wouldn't feel this torment.

He relives the memory from years ago. He relives it one final time.

The frantic shouts, the loud gunshots going off in the distance. It was a routine investigation. There was no reason for anything to go wrong.

If he hadn't chased that man... If he hadn't ignored his partner's warnings... If he'd turned back in time...

But he hadn't.

He chased the criminal to the river and watched the man jump in. The current was too strong anyways, the human wouldn't survive.

But Connor failed to notice the other assailant. He failed to see the other man pull out a gun.

He failed to save his friend.

The android heard two gunshots, followed by a desperate cry for help. He was racing back to the scene, but it was already too late.

"No..." he'd lamented, crumpling to the ground next to the Lieutenant.

"It's... it's gonna be all right," Hank had tried to assure him. "It's... gonna be okay."

Because of course Hank would try to comfort Connor, even when he was the one dying.

"I'm sorry," Connor had sobbed, because he didn't know what else to say. "I don't... I don't know what to do."

He'd felt helpless, watching the human die. He tried to put pressure on the wounds to stop the bleeding, but there was just too much of it.

"It's okay," Hank had rasped out, his breathing becoming slower, more ragged. "It's okay..."

"No, it's not!" Connor had shouted, cradling the dying police officer in his arms. "You can't... you can't just die like this!"

Hank had managed a weak laugh. "Everybody dies, Connor. Some just go sooner than others."

The android was only just beginning to understand his emotions, and now they were going crazy. He was helpless, he was terrified of losing the one human that actually cared about him. He was just so scared.

"You can't leave me," Connor had choked out. "I... I need you."

Hank had then reached out a frail arm, gripping the android's hand as tightly as he could manage. "You're a good kid, Connor. If anyone can change the future... it's you."

The android was frantic now, gripping the detective's hand tightly. "I'll... I'll call an ambulance. I'll—"

"It's over, Son," Hank had then said, his eyes closing briefly before opening again. "You and I both know... that they won't be able to... get here in time."

By this time, Connor's hands were soaked with Hank's blood. His usually pristine Cyberlife uniform (that he still wore, despite Hank's frequent protests) was also covered in the Lieutenant's blood.

"But..." Connor had blinked back tears that he didn't know he was capable of producing. "I... I don't want to lose you, Lieutenant."

Hank's eyes softened at the android's words, and he smiled a little. "I'm really... gonna miss you, Connor. I've never met anyone... quite like you."

The android watched helplessly as the police officer began to cough violently. He didn't have much time left.

"How do you expect me to go on?" Connor had then asked in a broken voice. "How can I go on without you?"

Hank was very close to death, then, but he was still coherent enough to process the android's words and what they were implying. "You have to..." he whispered. "You have to go on... even when it seems like there's nothing left for you."

"This is all my fault, though," the android went on, synthetic tears streaming down his face. "If I could've just gotten here sooner..."

"Stop... that..." Hank had admonished. "Don't you fucking dare blame yourself for this."

"How can I not?" Connor had replied, opening sobbing. "How can I just stand here and let you die?!"

"Connor..." Hank had then whispered, because he knew it was almost over. "Connor, please..." because he didn't want the android to blame himself.

"You can't leave me," the android sobbed. "Please don't leave me."

But Death waits for no one. And it was done giving the detective extra time.

"You... have to..." Hank had rasped out, closing his eyes. "You have to... let me go, Connor."

"Hank..." the android had whispered desperately. "Please... please don't go..."

But Death had already come for the Lieutenant. It was over, just like that.

And Connor couldn't stop replaying the scene in his mind. He couldn't stop blaming himself, despite Hank's last request. He couldn't bring himself to move on. He couldn't forgive himself for his mistake.

"I'm so, so sorry." Connor's footsteps are quiet on the pavement. "I'm so sorry that I could never let you go, Lieutenant." Connor's mind begins to empty, having decided it's final destination at last. "I'm sorry that I could never forgive myself."

He climbs over the metal railing separating the old train bridge from the steep drop into the icy water below.

"Will you ever be able to forgive me?" He asks the cold night air. "I hope so." He stands on the ledge, his thoughts blissfully empty. "I really, really hope you can forgive me for this, Lieutenant."

He briefly wonders what will happen, after he jumps. He will hit the water with enough force to snap his neck, effectively ending his life. He will feel a split second of pain, perhaps, and then nothing. He will be gone, forever.

He wonders if there is an afterlife for androids, and then he wonders if it will be different from the human one.

He wonders if he will see Hank there.

He doesn't think so.

Why does he have to be alive? Why does he have to suffer so cruelly for just... existing?

He did not ask for this. He did not want to gain sentience. He did not want to become a deviant at all. If he had stayed a machine, none of this would've happened.

Perhaps Hank would even still be alive.

"I tried, Lieutenant," Connor says to the icy water below him. "I truly did." He takes in a deep breath that he doesn't need. "I tried to move on. I tried to let you go." He looks down at the harsh waves that lap up against the bridge's foundations. "I tried to forgive myself." He feels the winter wind rustle his hair, he feels the cold seep into his synthetic skin. "I tried... but I couldn't do any of those things."

Connor jumps. He knows he won't survive the fall. He's already calculated it. His LED flashes a warning in red, but he cannot save himself now, even if he wanted to.

I hope you can forgive me, he thinks as he falls.

I hope I can finally forgive myself.

He hits the water harshly, and his neck breaks on contact with the icy waves. His LED continues to flicker for a few more seconds, but it quickly extinguishes.

The android known as Connor is now gone, forever.

One can only hope that he found that forgiveness, in those last few moments. One can only hope that the android was now resting in paradise with his human companion.

But Connor would only ever know for sure, and there was no way of asking him now.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: So, this is my first one-shot for this, and it's pretty sad (as you can probably tell).

Not all of them will be this depressing (I promise) I was just in the mood to write something a bit more... angsty.

My other DBH fanfic (Detroit: Staying Human) is probably going to be updated more frequently than this, so if you're in the mood for a full-length story, be sure to check that out as well!

I will try to update this at least once a week (possibly more often).

Be sure to let me know if you liked it! And feel free to leave me suggestions for future one-shots!

Thanks for reading! :D

~ Miss Faith