Author's note: A parody of Silent Night Deadly Night 2. If you haven't seen the movie, I'd recommend fixing that. Or at least watch the infamous garbage day scene. It's essentially one of those "so bad they're good" type of movies a la Troll 2 and The Room. Aside from that, this story is really old and all over the place, just don't take it seriously. Originally posted on my pastebin on 3/23/17.

After going on a mass murder spree, Lincoln Loud was incarcerated in a mental hospital, being held there as he awaited trial for the aforementioned crimes he committed.

One day, the cell's door creaked open as a suited stranger walked in the room. In his arms were a suitcase, and some recording equipment he needed for the interview.

He seated himself, then took sometime to setup as Lincoln stared at him resentfully.

The man introduced himself. "I'm Doctor Hasinoff, but you can call me Doc if you want."

"Fuck off, Doc." Lincoln muttered.

With one sentence, Hasinoff already began losing faith in him. This interview is going to be quite a challenge.

"Look, Lincoln, I'm not here to play games. I've no time for that." He said.

"Oh, sorry for wasting your 'valuable' time." The man mocked.

Doc let out a heavy sigh before continuing. "Okay, let's start from the beginning. Who killed your parents?"

An uneasy tension formed in the area as Lincoln started smiling. A devilish look appeared in his eyes as he prepared to reply.

"You really wanna know?" He asked, hinting that the truth was disturbing.

"Yes, who did it, Lincoln? Who killed your parents?"

"Santa Claus..." He stated while sporting an evil grin.

"Explain what you mean by that." Doc demanded, being genuinely confused. His parents being murdered by a holiday figure just sounded so nonsensical in the moment. And he obviously is dealing with quite a nutcase.

"Well, my sister Lori told me how it went down. She was seven when it happened, old enough to understand what was going on. Santa Claus lured our parents out by faking car trouble. Being the good people they were, they stopped to help, but then he pulled out a gun and started shooting at them." Lincoln said.

"They were both killed by gunshot wounds?" Doc questioned.

"Just my dad. My mom's throat was slit right in front of Lori. She was trembling behind some bushes when it happened..." He mentioned.

That's awfully tragic, it's no wonder y-you're so..." Doc stuttered.

"That I'm so what?!" Lincoln retaliated defensively, slamming his hands onto the table, glaring down at the man with a furious expression. At this rate, he wouldn't last much longer in here.

"Nothing... please, continue." Hasinoff shuddered, trying to shake off that previous statement.

"Okay, so, Lori told me he started looking for her, wildly yelling about until he finally ran off to who knows where. The fucking bastard murdered our parents in cold blood and left us stranded out there." The killer ranted.

After stating that, he became lost in thought, eyebrows twitching while picturing the events of that horrible night in his mind.

"Lincoln!" Doc hollered.

The deranged man opened his eyes when he got brought back into reality.

He shook his head as he shifted his eyes back at the doctor.

"How old were you when you found out about your parents?" Hasinoff asked, hoping to get things back on track.

"Oh, I knew right away, the very moment it happened." Lincoln assured. "I didn't know the gruesome details until Lori told me a few years later. I guess she wanted me to know what happened just so I knew, but we still had no answers as to why the fucker did it."

"You were only a baby, I don't see how you could have known that." Doc said doubtfully.

Turning away from Hasinoff, he stared at out through the bars of the window at the summer sun. "Because... I was there."

Doc became completely baffled by that statement. It was realistically impossible for him to know that, yet he found himself believing it. Despite being dangerous and unstable, there was a bit of sincerity to him.

"Hmmm, so what happened to you two after your parents died?" He questioned.

"Lori and I ended up in an orphanage."

"How was it?" The man asked, intent on learning all that he could about this criminal.

"I hated that fucking place..." Lincoln muttered.

"The head nun, Mother Superior, ran the place and terrorized my sister and I. She lectured us on what was right and wrong. Told us that naughty behavior is resolved by punishment. We would get spanked and beaten if we were ever her definition of naughty.

"So, it was a very strict home that you grew up in." Hasinoff guessed.

Yeah, and it seemed like Lori always got the worse of the beatings, I can still her cries to this very day. I wish I could have stopped it somehow, but I was too young and powerless to do anything." Lincoln regretted.

"I imagine that must have made you feel very sad." The man replied, failing to sympathize.

"No shit, Doc." Lincoln said with a shake of his head.

He then impatiently paced around the room a bit as the doctor jotted down a summary of what had been discussed so far.

A brief moment passed before the interview continued.

"Your sister left the orphanage eventually? Left you alone?" Doc asked, jumping ahead a bit.

"Lori didn't leave me. She was 18. Mother Superior got her a job at the local toy store." Lincoln stated.

{Scene flashes back to the toy store.}

"You look great!" The store owner said as he viewed Lori in her Santa Claus outfit. When hired, she assumed she would be a cashier. A female mall Santa just didn't make any sense, nor did it do her mental state any good.

Regardless, she rolled with the boss' unfortunate decision and got ready to work.

Only to end up dealing with mostly naughty children.

Growing frustrated, she threatened to not bring toys to the ones who didn't cooperate with her. Not even through day one on the job and she was already losing her mind.

Once night hit, the shop closed as the owner and his wife started drinking heavily.

Over a short period of time they were completely intoxicated, slurring and finding humor in pretty much anything. Total obnoxiousness infected the building and set off Lori.

She couldn't handle being there. The jolly outfit reminded her of nothing besides that horrible night. And to make things worse, a sheer lust for violence overcame her.

She moved to the back of the toy store and grabbed the axe near the emergency exit. All content, and intent on using it.

Purposely creating noise, Lori attracted the two drunks into the isles of the store and waited for right moment.

When both of their backs were turned, she darted out with her axe held high.

"Punish!" She cried as she hacked them down right then and there.

Blood splattered on the tile on impact, and their death screams echoed throughout the store. However, no one except their murderer heard them.

She looked at their corpses and smiled. It felt so good, so satisfying killing them. They were naughty, she wasn't.

After finishing the deed, Lori then left the store, only to go out of public sight for the night. Her next move already became clear to her. She needed to kill Mother Superior. To be rid of the person who abused her for years in that hellhole of a home.

Looking to complete her mission, the deadly girl wandered down the snowy roads in the morning until she made it to the orphanage. Little that she knew, the police were already following her trail for the murders she committed in the previous night.

When Lori made it to her destination, she entered through the front door of the orphanage dressed in her Santa Claus outfit.

The children smiled while she discreetly held the axe behind her back.

"Look, Mother Superior, it's Santa!" A young girl said. Being so innocent and naive, none of the kids could even tell that it was a woman in that jolly suit.

"Get away from her, children. She's not Santa Claus!" The nun urged.

"Naughty... literally naughty..." Lori kept repeating as she walked closer to the elderly woman.

She slowly revealed her weapon, holding it high above her head and getting ready to strike down.

BANG! BANG!

Unexpectedly, two shots were fired into her back from an fbi officer.

Lori collapsed onto the floor.

Bleeding out in front of everyone, she spoke. "You're safe now, Santa is... gone."

Lincoln stared down at Lori as she died right in front of his eyes. At that moment, he lost everything he had left to lose. He didn't have friends at the orphanage like most kids, only his sister, who became deceased right before him.

{Scene returns to the room.}

"They closed the orphanage after that?" Hasinoff asked.

"Yeah, I ended up with a foster family... the LaRoques. They treated me well actually. Things were getting better, I finally felt like a kid." He said, recalling what little good times he had.

"It didn't last..." Doc assumed.

"No, my foster father Audel died when I was a teenager and everything went to shit again. I became depressed knowing I lost someone else I cared about, my old thoughts about what happened to my real parents even came back to haunt me." Lincoln said.

Doc listened, taking everything the murderer told him as is. Nonetheless, he remembered one subject that he had yet to pry into. Something he felt that would be significant to discuss.

"Now, I gotta ask you something important." Doc said in a serious tone.

"Go on..." Lincoln mumbled curiously.

The man tossed a photo of a pretty girl onto the table. "Who is this?"

Lincoln turned around and glanced at it.

"Ronnie Anne, she's the only woman I ever loved... and I killed her." He said regretfully.

"Why?" Doc questioned.

"I'll start from the beginning, initially, we just sorta bumped into each other and hit it off. Then one day when we were walking together..."

{Scene cuts to a flashback.}

"Oh, no..." Ronnie Anne said, noticing the trouble that awaited them ahead.

What's wrong?" Lincoln asked, staring along with her and seeing a guy working on his car.

"That's my ex-boyfriend, Chandler."

The couple walked around him hoping to avoid any discussion, yet failed. He acknowledged them right away, much to Ronnie Anne's dismay.

"So... this is what you ended up with? I knew you couldn't do better than me, Ronnie, but to sink this low is something else." The guy chuckled.

"You're an asshole, Chandler!" She shouted. He really was a smug douche, exactly as she remembered him.

When she tried to pass him, he grabbed her shoulder.

"Come on, why don't we reminisce a bit? Remember all the good times we had?" He said.

"No, just leave me alone." Ronnie Anne stepped back from him and continued. "And as you can see I'm with someone else now, someone who actually treats me right."

Being patronized didn't sit well with Chandler.

"Let me tell you something-"

"That's enough!" Lincoln yelled, finally confronting him face to face.

"Ohh, you can talk? Well, listen, bro, that's what she said when I fucked her brains out in the back of ol' red here!" Chandler gloated.

Lincoln's temper hit a new peak after hearing those smug words uttered.

He grabbed the Chandler by the throat, holding him down by the open hood of the car.

Using the jumper cables in sight, he began electrocuting him as Ronnie Anne watched in horror.

He grinned sadistically while he increased the voltage to max.

Seconds later, the guy's eyes exploded due to pressure of the charge, killing him instantly.

After finishing the job, Lincoln turned around to face his horrified, and furious girlfriend.

"I hate you, Lincoln! I fucking hate you!" Ronnie Anne screamed her heart out.

Hearing her disapproval set him off again.

"Punish!" He shouted as the girl tried to run from him.

Before she got anywhere, he ripped the car's antenna off and started strangling her with it.

She tried her hardest to pry his hands off of her neck, yet it was fruitless.

His grip tightened as she groaned in anguish, losing her life by the second.

Her body then went limp in his grasp.

Lincoln dropped her to the ground once realizing she had died.

Following strangling the love of his life, a police officer suddenly interfered.

"Freeze, asshole!" He shouted while aiming at him.

Lincoln smirked back at him, unable to figure out why he felt so eager to die.

The bumbling cop stumbled forward.

"Put your hands up!" He yelled.

Lincoln started laughing as the man pointed his gun directly in his face.

Before the cop could even think, his suspect jolted, grabbing the gun and firing it into his skull, dropping him dead.

The murderer continued chuckling afterwards, his bloody rampage having just begun.

Lincoln paraded through the suburban streets that same evening looking for more victims.

After letting a little girl cross his path, he discovered his next target.

"Garbage Day!" Lincoln declared as he fired his revolver at a man moving his trash cans onto the street, killing him in a flash.

He laughed hysterically as he continued down the street searching for others to satisfy his blood lust, mindlessly firing away on other pedestrians in sight until the more cops finally barricaded the street to stop him.

Lincoln cackled like a hyena as he pointed the gun at his own head.

The policemen all begged him to not commit suicide, but his motive was clear. And then...

Click.

{Back in the present.}

"No more bullets!" Lincoln blurted out, acknowledging how stupid he was. He made a foolish mistake at the time, but never again.

Doc nodded at him, then continued writing more notes. The progress, and information he received from inside the criminal's mind was quite intriguing. He was about to conclude the session for today.

Lincoln, however, remained feisty as he spoke. "So, that's how I ended up stuck in here with you. Having to tell you my life story while you just sit there and write down a bunch of bullshit."

He paced around the space, focusing on the man he's been pouring his heart out to.

Growing more irritated as his thoughts came to a halt, he now realized how much a waste of time this has been.

Looking to put an end to things, Lincoln approached Doc with foul intentions, ultimately feeling the need to rid himself of the obstacle that kept him from the outside world.

"Hey, what the hell are you-"

Lincoln began strangling Doc with the film of the recordings.

The man stood no chance as he got overpowered easily. His last vision was the killer's deadly stare as his life came to a sudden end.

"Nothin' personal, Doc..." Lincoln chuckled, releasing the corpse from his grip and leaving the room.

Once out, he made his way to the nearest exit, then murdered a guard with his bare hands in order to escape.

He ran as far away as he could, getting out of anyone's vision. Being free is only the first step, all he had to do next is finish what Lori meant to.

Not too long after, Doc's body was found and the police got involved in the search for the suspect.

Although, following some assistance from a younger nun who worked under Mother Superior, they now knew where he might venture.

While lurking in the dark on christmas eve, Lincoln discovered his next victim, a man dressed as Santa Claus. The outfit itself was perfect, and totally appropriate knowing his history. It's exactly what he wanted to wear when he killed that old bitch.

He entered the booth, then strangled the guy using only what was available to him, a simple phone cord.

He quickly stripped him of his costume and got himself dressed for the upcoming kill.

Afterwards, he walked out casually, whistling and continuing his search.

Later on, Lincoln eventually found the old nun's house after wandering for a while.

Grinning as he approached it, he immediately broke into the home to seek out his mortal enemy.

Once inside, his search became short lived as he quickly caught a glimpse of her moving around in her wheelchair.

"Oh, there you are!" Lincoln shouted maniacally upon discovering Mother Superior.

He then bashed the living room door with his axe until he broke through.

Despite his progress, the nun still maneuvered around the house just fine. She did whatever she could to avoid her demise.

She made it to the kitchen and grabbed a knife from the drawer.

"Lincoln, I am your Mother Superior! I raised you, and I command you to receive your punishment!" She exclaimed.

Hearing her voice, Lincoln made his way through the maze of the home and confronted her for the final struggle. He needed to finish her off. Not only for himself, but for Lori as well.

"You are naughty!" Mother Superior shouted, causing his blood to boil.

"Punish!" Lincoln screamed at the top of his lungs while he swung the axe, cleanly decapitating her. Being ill and confined to a wheelchair, she stood absolutely no chance to begin with that kitchen knife she wielded.

However, he had no time to celebrate as the police closed in on the home.

Realizing he was screwed, he took a moment to try and hide from them.

The officers barged through the home and discovered the corpse, yet their suspect remained nowhere to be seen.

As they searched around, out of nowhere, Lincoln revealed himself and started chuckling as he lifted his axe up in the air.

The cops were startled, but countered by opening fire on him.

Though multiple revolver rounds pierced the man's flesh, he remained standing and laughing until...

BOOM!

A large shotgun blast struck Lincoln, knocking him off his feet and sending him crashing through a window.

Immobilized by the wounds, he laid there in the pile of broken glass smiling as he bled out.

The significant events of his life flashed in front of him while death came nearer.

He thought it was worth it as he closed his eyes for the very last time.

The police moved on in to confirm Lincoln's death. His capital punishment for being naughty had occurred. He shall burn in hell alongside his sister, and the man who murdered their parents.