SONIC

I'd always hated the taste of alcohol. But for a few months now, I was officially old enough to buy it myself. I hadn't even realized I'd hit the big "two-one" until a few weeks later. Oh right, I was 21 now. It'd been ages since I'd celebrated my birthday. And tonight? Well. Without alcohol, I wouldn't be able to get through tonight. Strange how much alcohol and sex seemed to go together. I never wanted to have one without the other - hell, I'd never wanted either one. Period.

Or did I?

I stared down the glass, my eyes fixated on the amber liquid. Tiny bubbles on the side appeared and then popped, fizzling out. I could only stare in front of me, as my peripheral vision was partially blocked by a hood covering my face. I couldn't be recognized again. Candy had more than enough footage of me, as she loved rubbing in my face. She also loved torturing out details of my extracurricular sexual exploits - and any footage would ruin her fun. I'd learned that the hard way. I could do whatever I wanted as long as I told her all about it, so she could punish me for "cheating".

I should just leave her. I should just stop trying. But I knew, knew, that I'd go back to her. I tried everything to just let her go, but I'd lost. This was my new fate. The only thing I really cared about anymore was figuring out this odd part of me. Candy constantly berated me for not wanting sex with her, and I'd never been able to enjoy it with anyone else either. And maybe if I figured out why I didn't want it, it wouldn't hurt so much when Candy and I were together.

As long as I was out here, looking for some tramp to come in to be my next try, I must want it to some extent. Right? I had no idea. All I ever seemed to think about nowadays was sex - but it was more confusion than fantasies. Was I just doing it wrong? Despite how much I was having it, something was so off. I should feel more, I should do more. I should want it. Be desperate for it. I should enjoy it. For now I felt like I was banging my head against a wall, over and over, trying new things and yet nothing was fulfilling. Yet I'd keep trying. Because the one part of the old me that hadn't died was my stubbornness.

A large sigh escaped my lips, and I turned my neck a little bit just to stretch. I was bored. I wanted to leave and go for a run, enjoy the stars tonight. The sky was perfectly clear and I knew the best place around for a good view. But what good what it do? Nothing brought me pleasure anymore. Nothing. The night sky would just mirror the emptiness inside.

Across the bar, my reflexes suddenly triggered - a glass tipped over, about to spill wine everywhere. I bolted up to catch it without even thinking. I set it down, not a drop lost, and let myself look into the eyes of the woman who it belonged to. So - it was her tonight. In the brief moment I had while she was still recovering, I let myself look her up and down. Was this supposed to make me excited?

"Wow, thank you! You have quite the set of reflexes," she said.

"Ah, it's nothin'," I brushed off the compliment. So much for not drawing attention with my speed. Good thing no one else was really noticing us - the place was a bit crowded.

"No, really. That could have been a disaster. You're my hero!"

I knew she was teasing me, but hearing those words always stung. "At least I can be a wine glass hero," I grumbled, pulling my hoodie back over my ears as I sat down.

Her hand collided with mine as I reached for my hood. "Why are you trying to hide? You're so handsome."

I turned to let her see my face in full, hoping she didn't recognize me. Maybe all the way out here stories of me were few and far between. I was a long, long way from home after all. Home. What a concept. Always been lost on me. If I had a home now, it wasn't back with my old friends, but with Candy. Yet the word "home" always connected in my mind with my old, old friends.

Her hand suddenly gripped my hood and pulled it back, revealing my ears and spines. My quills tensed up by reflex, and I winced from the contact of her hand on my face, my eyes shut.

"Wow, you're a hedgehog, and your color, never seen that color blue…"

I let my eyes open, trying to calm my nerves. I didn't want to be touched. I didn't want her attention. I didn't want her to take off the rest of my hoodie. It served another purpose - my fur was still growing back. Although maybe my scars would be sexy to her, hell if I knew.

"What's your name?"

"Nic. The Hedgehog."

Yeah, I know - so creative. But if I was only part of who I used to be, I had to use part of my name. I couldn't exactly go around using my real name.

"I'm Rachel."

Another name I'd use and forget in a few hours. I already forgotten what she looked like. I didn't care. I just wanted to do it and get this over with.

"You from around here?" she asked.

"Nah, I'm a drifter."

God it was so corny and cliche. But the pickup line had not failed me yet. I saw the beginnings of a smile and I was already impatient. I didn't want to play the game tonight.

"Let's cut to the chase. Do you wanna fuck?"

Her mouth dropped.

"Yes or no?"

"Wow, so forward. I like a man who knows what he wants."

The irony was killing me. If she didn't say yes soon I was moving on.

She looked me up and down, still smiling. "Sure!"

It was all I needed. Consent was an odd thing to me, because I'd never given it, didn't really know how, but something kept me from just going around and taking what I wanted. I didn't want to be Candy - who hurt me for fun, who forced me when I didn't want it - even if it was my fault...

Those were the thoughts on my mind as I took this girl to a hotel room I'd already paid for. Thoughts of how this act, supposedly the pinnacle of pleasure and connectedness, an integral part of being alive, something everyone wanted – just left me feeling more empty and dead inside each time I attempted it.

We did the deed, and then I left.

That was it.

I analyzed my thoughts, my reactions but - nothing. Always nothing. Always empty. Always used. Didn't matter the girl – I'd tried all kinds. One girl looked like any other to me - some were prettier, I guess, but I still had no desire to do things with them. Yes, it felt alright. Yeah, there was pleasure, but that was it. Wasn't there supposed to be more? Wasn't I supposed to look at a woman and start imagining her naked without forcing myself to? Wasn't there supposed to be a connection? A spark? Romance somewhere? So I'd heard.

If I could just take a girl out to look at the stars with me, enjoy her company in nature, that'd be one thing. Hell, I had done that. But it always ended up with her hands somewhere I didn't want them. But I never pushed them away. How could I figure this out otherwise? How could I fix myself from the damage Candy had done if I never tried? That's why I kept trying. Because I refused to believe there was anything wrong with me. I refused to believe Candy had ruined me beyond repair. She may have broken me, but I was still stubborn. I was going to keep at this until I was fixed. Even if banging girls felt more like banging my head into a wall.

I suppose I could just keep trying with Candy, but she enjoyed hurting me more than helping me figure myself out. I'd left her a few years ago, but inevitably went back to her every so often, out of… duty, loyalty, whatever. She was the only thing that was comfortable and familiar and made some sort of sense in my life. The pain was just part of it. Wasn't it? She said it'd stop hurting once I gave in, once I got better. I don't know.

No, I didn't want to think of her right now. I didn't want to think about any of this anymore.

It was a clear night. So many stars out - as I headed to the outskirts of the city to escape light pollution, I kept my eyes above. The familiar constellations dotted the sky, bright lights fighting the darkness. Faraway suns, emitting light into the vacuum of space, reaching our eyes much, much later. The whole world was under the same canopy of stars - they surrounded the planet like a blanket. I knew why I loved the night sky so much - it was the only thing making me not feel so isolated. We all looked up at the same stars.

I picked up my pace, weaving in and out of small towns, looking for a nearby mountain range I could just hang out and stargaze. As I did, something caught my eye. A bank sign, of all things. I stopped, doubled back, and stared at it. The date, the time, the temperature - what was so captivating?

54 degrees, 8:16 pm, September 23rd.

Why did that date mean something to me? It seemed familiar and somehow vaguely important. Enough to stop me from running. Was it somebody I knew's birthday -

I froze in place. A wind gust picked up, ruffling my quills, but I tensed them up.

Amy.

Amy Rose.

A picture of her entered my mind's eye and it was too much to handle. I took off at the speed of sound, not caring about the sonic boom in my wake. I was shook. Numb. I didn't let myself feel the regret, pain, guilt, remorse - the weight of my mistakes would have to wait. It had been so long since I let myself think about her. The cute pink hedgehog in the red dress, her Piko Piko hammer, her crush on me, her cheerful attitude.

It was her birthday - and yet I was still picturing her as I used to know, 12 years old. How old would she be, how long had it been? I had no idea, because time had become meaningless to me. I was stuck in this loop. No matter how much willpower I'd had, I couldn't break it.

But maybe... she could?

That was just wishful thinking. Quick maths - I had just turned 21 this past June, and she was, what, 3 years younger? So she'd be 18. Wow. Amy Rose, 18. I couldn't even…

What was she up to tonight? Did she still think of me? Still have feelings for me? Was she still looking for me? Did she miss me? Had she moved on with another guy? Did she still love me? I'd never gotten the chance to share how I felt about her. What was she doing tonight? Did I have the guts to go see her, after this long? And if I did, would she be happy?

My heart ached with sorrow all of a sudden, and I had to stop running. I sat down on a mountain ledge, overwhelmed. My eyes stared into the night sky as my thoughts raced. I didn't even see the individual stars, just the constellations that traced out her face as I remembered it. I hadn't let myself dwell too much on what I'd lost, but Amy was impossible to forget. She was intense, emotional, bold - everything I'd admired. She'd just wanted to be with me, and chased me everywhere, proposing even. Never giving up. I'd pushed her away because she'd been too much, and I was still so confused about all this love stuff. I knew there was something between us, but she wanted so much. So much that I didn't.

I was a dumb teenager. If I could have her now...I'd treat her differently. Better. Nicer. It was much too late for that, though. As overwhelming as these feelings of longing were, I couldn't act on them. I couldn't have her.

It hit me then.

This. This feeling, this need, this want to be close to her - these emotions I'd buried. This flame. This spark of romance. This passion - this is what had been missing from all the meaningless sex I'd had. Amy had been what I'd been searching for this whole time.

Yet - I immediately shuddered at the thought of sex with Amy - mostly because I was still picturing her as a kid, even though she wasn't now. But still, even back then, I didn't have those elusive sexual desires for her, either. That was part of the reason why I ran from her. I wanted to see her, be close - hell, stargazing would be romantic and I couldn't get the thought out of my head - but sex? Meh. I'd always seen her as cute, pretty, beautiful, but sexy…? Ehhh. I couldn't do it with her. She was special. She was different - always had been to me. I couldn't hurt her or treat her like an experiment while I figured myself out. I couldn't use her, of all people.

I couldn't shake the thought of her being out there, back at my old home. Looking at the same sky as me. If I could go back and tell her everything, I would. But I was too broken, too different. I'd rather she remembered me as I was and not learn what I'd become.

Still, I wanted to give her a message. A sign, that I hoped she had a nice birthday. How could I do that without letting her know it was from me directly? I felt so helpless. My eyes went up the stars as I tried to figure something out. I'd never been religious - I'd never wanted to hope on anything but myself. In the past, I was always enough, could solve my own problems. But now as much as I tried, I failed each time. And I was humiliated by that.

I needed something more than me.

A shooting star blinked in and out in a flash. I briefly closed my eyes and wished. Wished that she knew I was still out here, hurting, and longing for her. Wished that I could be with her tonight. Wished that I could give her a nice birthday. Wished that things had turned out differently. Wished that it wasn't too late for us.

Then again, I wasn't dead yet, so there was still a chance - and I'd never been a fan of waiting. I should go back home and say hello -

Candy.

Her sweet name turned my blood to ice. She'd forbid me from seeing my friends. She'd kill me if I visited Amy. Or worse.

Maybe I don't have to see Candy again. Maybe I could just leave her - but she had those pornographic videos of me. I knew she'd release all of it if I crossed her. I was trapped, her prisoner, powerless against her. I'd destroyed her first batch, but she had backup copies, and backup copies of her backup copies. In places I'd never know. I couldn't do it. I couldn't rush back into Amy's life if I couldn't stay.

Maybe I could just see her, check on her - give her a gift and message. And as long as I wasn't spotted and on the news again, Candy wouldn't know. Technically I wasn't breaking any rules, right? She did encourage me to see others…

I stood up, staring at the place in the heavens where I'd seen the wishing star. I took off down the mountain at slightly less than Mach One. I'd have to be subtle if I was going to do this. And I was going to do this.

I'm coming for you, Amy.

Home. Good old home. Felt surreal to be back. Literally hadn't been here since I entered Candy's life. I was grateful for the cover of darkness, which meant it was easier to hide, but I still felt so much anxiety just being here in our city. It was forbidden - as had been literally drilled and tattooed into me. I couldn't, shouldn't be here. My stomach curdled in fear. I was going to get in so much trouble. I could almost feel the cold knife cutting into my back -

Stop it. This isn't about Candy. I'd deal with her later, accept my punishment. Just getting to see Amy tonight would be worth whatever pain I would receive.

Didn't that mean I liked the pain…?

No time for self-introspection, I'd done enough of that. Time to take action. The first place I checked was her apartment, obviously. The inside was dark so she wasn't home. She was probably out, having fun. Going out and looking for her might be a waste of time. I sat nestled in the fire escape, knowing I'd just have to wait. This was all assuming she still lived here.

I jumped to my feet, and tiptoed closer to the window. I cupped my hands around the side of my face as I peeked inside. I felt like a total creeper but how else would I know if this was her place? It didn't matter, because I couldn't see inside anyway, it was too dark, and nothing was screaming that it was Amy's apartment. What would there be, pictures of me everywhere? All her furniture pink and girly? Those were the only two things I really knew about her, she loved (past tense) me, and was super bubbly and girly. And she loved to hammer things.

Who was I kidding? This was a mistake. I couldn't wait out here for her to come home forever. I wasn't even supposed to be here -

The light turned on inside and I jumped back out of view, clinging to the side of the fire escape. From my current angle, the sliding glass door acted like a mock mirror, and I could see inside… my stomach dropped as I saw her. Those pink quills were unmistakable. I didn't get a great look at her but she definitely looked older. And her dress was certainly shorter than what I remembered.

But who was she with? A guy?

...

KNUCKLES? She had taken him home? What the actual fuck? Were they together?

The thought made me sick. I couldn't handle this. I couldn't. I wanted to go in there and scream in his face for taking my girl. How dare he - yes I'd abandoned them both but c'mon -

"Thanks Knux…"

I could hear them talking, and I had summon all of my willpower to simply ball up my fists and not spindash in and knock that knucklehead into the wall…

She sat down on the couch, and Knuckles remained standing.

"No problem. I knew you wouldn't get far as tipsy as you are. Rouge'll be here soon. Let me get you some water. How are you feeling?"

"Terrible. What was I thinking… this was all a mistake.. I'm never getting over him…"

I loosened the grip on my fists. What was she talking about?

"The whole point of today was to get over him, but it's all useless, Knuckles. I'm pathetic. I'm gonna die an old woman, single and alone, waiting for Sonic to come back."

My heart skipped a few beats. She… she still loved me... I wasn't sure how to feel about that, because I knew I could never have her. Damn she was determined – maybe even more than I was.

"Don't say that, Amy. Don't be so hard on yourself. These things take time," he handed her a glass of water and sat down, covering her with a blanket. The sweet gesture hurt me… I should be in there. "You made some good progress today. You burnt that journal. Hell, yesterday you weren't even willing to look at another guy, and heh, you certainly did some looking tonight."

Amy didn't respond at first, just hugged a pillow on her couch as she lied down. "I guess I thought I could get over him as quickly as I fell for him."

Knuckles shook his head. "Yeah, doesn't work like that."

"Tell me about it," she said with a groan, leaning back against her pillows.

The door opened again, and I saw Rouge enter. "Sorry, something came up at the club, but I got here as soon as I could… are you alright, Amy?" The bat approached them both.

"I'm fine," the pink hedgehog said.

Knuckles and Rouge briefly embraced and shared a kiss, and my heart relaxed. So Amy wasn't with Knuckles… okay, good.

"Listen, this is all my fault," Rouge said. "I was the one to suggest you get a slutty dress and go to the club. I was the one to give you a drink. I'm sorry, Amy. All I wanted was for you to have a good time and forget all about blue hedgehogs."

Ouch. Damn. I felt terrible, awful, guilty as hell. This was all my fault. But I kept listening, trying to piece together the story. What had even happened to her in the club? If a dude had hurt her I would hurt him much worse.

"You were both trying to help. I'm just a lost cause." Amy hid herself under the blanket, and my heart was breaking in half. I squinted at the glass, trying to figure out if she was crying. "I'm never getting over Sonic."

No – I didn't want this for her. I didn't want her to keep pining over me. We couldn't be together, we just couldn't. Candy had ruined me and would get in the way of everything. I belonged to Candy now, and there was no way out. Amy had to get over me.

"Never say never," Rouge said, patting her arm. "Maybe tonight didn't work out, but you're making small progress. You're stubborn, so I know you can do this. You can use that determination to never give up on getting better. Okay?"

"I don't know…" I could barely hear her muffled words under the blanket. "I mean, when I saw that squirrel I really wanted him, like really, but then I just got that dreadful feeling and couldn't go through with it." Her head suddenly popped out from under the blanket, her voice shrill. "Oh, Rouge! Will I never be able to be with another guy, ever, without being reminded of him?"

The bat sympathetically rubbed her shoulders, and Knuckles shook his head. "I didn't like this idea from the beginning, but I kept my mouth shut and supported you. I don't think mindlessly losing your virginity will work for you, because that's not who you are. I know you want more than that. You should try serious dating instead. Find a good guy where you can take things a bit more slowly."

"Wow, Knucklehead giving dating advice, now I've seen everything," Rouge joked, and my lips slightly moved in spite of myself. I had the same thoughts.

"Hey, I ended up with you, didn't I? So I did something right."

The two shared a moment, but my heart was aching with too many conflicting emotions to pay attention. My throat thickened up from the intense guilt. It was my fault she was like this. I'd hurt her. I did this. All my mistakes, as much as I'd been hurt and tortured - Amy was in pain, too. I'd come here to give her a birthday present to make her happy, but I knew the best thing to give her would be closure of some sort. If I disappeared and let her move on.

I stayed on her fire escape balcony, unable to tear my eyes away from her. Knuckles and Rouge left after a while, giving Amy hugs, but I stayed. I knew I couldn't do anything. I couldn't give her anything. I would have no birthday gift for her, other than my absence. Maybe it wasn't what she wanted, but… as painful as it was, it was what she needed. I couldn't go back to her and hurt her anymore. She was a strong girl, and would eventually get over me and be happy one day. Maybe I wouldn't ever be happy - but that didn't matter, as I'd made my own choices. Her pure, romantic, sweet heart was more important than anything I could give her. I'd have to stay hidden.

Happy Birthday, Amy.

The best gift I can get you is ... nothing.

The girl finally stood up from the couch, and I thought she might go to bed and I could head off. But - she was heading my way. I panicked, and jumped down to the balcony below. She couldn't see me. She couldn't know I was here.

I heard the door open above me, and Amy walked outside. I couldn't see what she was doing, but I imagined her looking up at the stars, so I did as well. How romantic, us stargazing together - and she had no idea.

"Sonic…"

She said my name. Her voice… so sweet, angelic, lovely - it was breaking my heart as I knew I'd never have her. I should leave as anything she was about to say would only hurt me. I shouldn't torture myself.

If only Candy hadn't made me a glutton for punishment.

"I know you're out there… Tonight for the first time in a long time I felt you again. I've always had this connection to you, ya know; Cream calls it my Sonic radar. Everyone tells me you're gone but I know it can't be true. Everyone tells me I'm a fool, but - I know you're in trouble. I wish I could help you. I really do. I just wish I knew where you were. I wish you'd give me a sign."

No you don't, Ames. You don't. You're better off without me. Trust me.

"We first saw you on the news a few years ago, and that gave me hope that you weren't gone for good. I recorded and kept track of every single clue, every sighting, every time you were mentioned. Even the obvious fakes. I hoped that by doing that it would lead me back to you, but.." she paused with a sigh. "All it did was kept me from getting better. You were so much to me, and always have been, and I… I know you're in trouble. I can feel it. And you know I'd help if I could, but I can't keep going on like this. It's hurting me so much. I have to move on."

Smart girl.

"Long ago I decided to wait for you, but now… I've decided to let you go. The stars are so pretty tonight and if I could make a wish, it'd be - not to have you again, as that'd be selfish, but just for you to be happy, Sonic. Wherever you are. I hope you're living life just as you want, like you always have. I hope that free spirit is alive and well. And I hope you know that if you do come back, I'll welcome you with open arms no matter what happened…." She paused, and I heard another sigh. "I love you, Sonic."

Two tears slipped out of my eyes, leaving streams down the side of my face and muzzle.

"Goodbye, Sonic…"

Her feet clomped across the balcony, and I head the glass door slide shut with a click. I wanted to burst into tears, but I held back, and let the emotions die in my heart. I'd lock them away, never let them out. I couldn't have her, and I shouldn't.

She was better off without me. I'd go back to Candy and let her punish me for thinking I could be so foolish as to wish on a wishing star. Amy had moved on, and after all I'd done, abandoned her and my other friends, it was better for them. I didn't deserve to go back. I deserve to be punished for the rest of my life. As much as I hoped for something different, this was me now. In another life we'd be together, but this was what I'd decided. This sweet memory of seeing and hearing her would be all I could hold onto for the rest of my miserable existence.

My feet started moving as if on their own, but I knew all too well where they were taking me. Amy would not be at the end of this path.

She never would be.

(Truly tragic. I don't often write unhappy endings - but remember that it is a prequel! Nine Hours continues the story from here. Thanks for reading!)

~SilverDawn~