So, to those of you that have been with me so far, and that still care to read this odd little story of mine, I owe you an explanation to you all.

The reason I've taken so long to update is what I can really only call a bit of writer's block mixed with a writing identity crisis.

I did not begin this story with the intention of it becoming some epic must-read gaasaku fanfic. I did not begin it really with any expectations of it being an amazing story. I wrote it because it was the story I wanted to read. It was the story I was missing, the setting and the portrayal I wanted. I didn't care what tropes I used or didn't use, I didn't care what was or wasn't overused as a plot device. It was simply what I wanted to read, but couldn't find. It was supposed to be fun and light hearted.

And then I even got myself someone who wanted to beta read for me! Which I was both surprised and thrilled by. This person was clearly as new to being a beta reader, as I was to officially having one.

That said, this person - whom is beginning to be annoyed by the fact that I've not actually thanked them openly in my story's Author's Notes, mostly out of forgetfulness - is not someone i'm going to name. Now or ever. I have two reasons for this. The first being that I no longer desire to credit them with any further creativity with the story, and the second reason being that I don't want them to be subject to any negativity.

As my conversations with this person carried on, I began to feel pressured about how my story's plot was developing. I felt criticized for placing elements into the story that I felt made it unique but were apparently uninteresting to others - I had a whole subplot about the story of what was going on in the video game with a cool ending battle planned out, but never wrote because now that Gaara was physically accessible to the others, that plot no longer served purpose to anyone but me, apparently. The real life confrontation and climax of the story was called unoriginal and overused. Somewhere along the line I started writing the story and making edits to what I now look back on as an ordinary reader who somehow had me writing the story that they wanted. Not the story that I wanted. Some of their behavior was a little callous. Some of it was petulant. But all of it made me feel apologetic. Like my own ideas weren't quite good enough, and that clearly I needed their help. I tried ignoring them for a while, but even so, I became increasingly discouraged, to the point that I stopped writing. Not just here, but on other platforms, and even on my own actual manuscript. I didn't feel good enough.

That said, I in no way am trying to blame this lack of self worth as a writer solely on this poor choice of a beta reader. I've dealt with self-worth issues and depression for as long as I can remember. I'm always trying to please other people. I'm always doubting if I am in fact good enough. So this long hiatus has not been only, or even directly their fault, but they certainly fed the psychosis.

So please be patient with me as I write the next few chapters. I am going back to what I wanted to write in the first place. Hopefully people will still like it. Hopefully I am good enough. But if I'm not, that's fine. Really it is. Because I'm writing this for ME.

For those of you who decide to abandon ship because you think I'm being bitchy or obnoxious or what have you, that's fine and I respect that. For those of you who are eagerly awaiting the next actual chapter, thank you and I will update soon.