"I am terrified of this dark thing that sleeps in me. All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity."-Sylvia Plath, Ariel

The rest of sophomore year flew by, summer break flew by even faster, and Lissa was on her way back to St. Vladimir's before she knew it. She crossed her arms and legs in the window seat of the Dashkov family jet, glaring as her view changed from a beautiful sunset to Gothic architecture and concrete. Had it been any other time, she would've looked forward to returning to the place she'd always called home. But after everything that had happened the past several months, the Academy wasn't her home. It was her prison.

"We're here," Dimitri said beside her, when the plane touched the campus runway. He sounded relieved, which she understood. Sitting in one spot for multiple hours was uncomfortable for someone as tall as him. Even if their seats were roomier than ones on a commercial aircraft.

Lissa frowned. "Mhm."

He laid a hand on her knee. It didn't soothe her. "You're going to be fine, okay? I'm sure this year won't be as bad. It'll go by just as quickly."

"Whatever you say."

A sigh escaped him, and he took his hand away. Rising from his seat, he shifted into the aisle and removed their carry-on bags from the overhead cabinet with the help of Stan Alto. After Victor's guardians—Ben and Spiridon—got the remaining bags, the four of them did a final headcount and interior examination before escorting her, Natalie, and Victor out. They fetched the larger baggage from an exterior compartment, while the Moroi were greeted by Alberta.

"Princess, Prince, Lady Dashkov," she said cordially, bowing. "It's nice to see you all again. I hope you had a fun and relaxing summer."

Victor smiled. "We did. Especially the girls."

"That's great." Her face fell. "Unfortunately, it's back reality." Lissa deeply shared her sentiments. Alberta tilted her head toward the campus. "If you would, please follow me to the administration building. We need to get you all settled."

The guardians now ready to proceed, she gave them brief greetings then lead them all to the upper campus main office. Natalie chatted about how excited she was to be a junior and hoping her and Lissa's room was as well-arranged and spacious as their previous one. She also hoped for lots of classes together and bonding time. Lissa just nodded along and uttered the occasional "Yeah," focusing her attention on the darkening sky and warm, late summer breeze to mask her exasperation. God, the walk felt like forever.

They eventually arrived at the administration building, which was crisp and cool from the air-conditioning. Natalie and Lissa picked up their schedules and dorm keys with Victor, while the guardians went with Alberta to receive their own keys—Victor's included—and work schedules. After that was situated, Dimitri escorted the girls to their room while Ben and Spiridon handled Victor, and Stan went on his own way.

Natalie continued her babbling, and Lissa fought off a groan and eyeroll. She wished she had Dimitri's level of composure. He made hiding emotions look so easy. Yet they weren't as controlled, this time. She noticed he was speed-walking, which was starting to break up her roommate's word vomit as they were forced to keep up. It was amusing seeing him just as irritated as her. Now, she had to fight off a laugh.

Thanks to his long and fast stride, they turned up at the room in record time. He unlocked the door then let them enter first before going inside. Out of breath, the girls dumped their lighter bags on the unmade beds. Whereas, he gently set the heavier ones on the carpeted ground without even breaking a sweat.

Lissa marveled at how his swift pace plus the weight of all the luggage, hers particularly, took nothing out of him. Even though it was mundane, it still seemed like he could handle anything. And after witnessing him spar while they were staying at a Dashkov-owned home in Chicago, she wouldn't be surprised if he actually could. Ben, Spiridon, and Stan hadn't been able to win one match. Not to mention, he already had six molnija. He was a blood master seven—the youngest, at that—for a reason.

"I'm about to head to my room and unpack," Dimitri said. "I'll let you two get situated."

"All right," Natalie replied, smiling widely. "Bye, Guardian Belikov. Thanks for the help."

"Yeah, thanks a lot," Lissa chimed in, giving a radiant smile of her own. "See you later."

His lips curled slightly. "You're welcome." He bowed. "I'll see you later, Princess. Lady Dashkov." With lightning speed and efficiency, he got his bags from the pile and flew out of there, his coat billowing around him. Lissa finally released her laughter.

"What's so funny?" her roommate asked, once the door closed.

She waved a hand in dismissal. "Nothing. Just a joke I remembered."

Ever so gullible, Natalie believed her. "Oh, okay."

Two hours later, their room was squared away. Lissa's side merely had the essentials, while Natalie's had the complete move-in look with all types of decorations adorning it. The former had also planned to decorate immediately. But she'd gotten hungry while unpacking, so she'd decided to save that for another time in favor of blood and food.

"I'm going to the feeders and Commons," Lissa informed, her stomach grumbling. "And then, I'm going to see Guardian Belikov for a logistics meeting before we start school on Monday. I'll probably hang out with some other friends, after that."

Natalie nodded. "Sure. I think I'll catch up with Erin, while you're out."

"Okay. See you when I get back!"

Lissa left their room and quickly made her way to the feeders. Her stomach was growling louder now; the last time she'd eaten was shortly before they'd boarded their flight to the school, a few hours ago. She couldn't wait to taste the metallic yet sweet flavor of blood. She was salivating just thinking about it. Hopefully, there wouldn't be a long line.

When she arrived at the feeders, she was happy to see she wasn't mistaken. Only a handful of Moroi were on the waitlist. She checked in then sat in the waiting room, casually looking around and daydreaming. She thought the staff calling her name would be the thing to end her spacing out. Instead, it was her ex-boyfriend, Aaron.

He was walking into the feeding area and went straight to reception without noticing her. Though once he was checked in, he saw Lissa as soon as he turned around. Surprise flooded his features, then longing, then hurt, then resentment. He continued walking, pointedly sitting as far away from her as possible, and glared at her after settling in his seat. She couldn't blame him, seeing as how she had ended the relationship.

It was the last day of sophomore year.

Lissa had just finished cleaning out her room, all her belongings ready for transport in the Dashkov family jet that was parked on the Academy's private airstrip. She was spending the summer with Natalie and Victor. They were going to stay at one of their family's estates in Chicago. She was so excited. It was the perfect chance for her to get away from everything and properly heal from her tragic loss. As well as bond with Dimitri.

After she'd come clean to him about all the stuff she'd been hiding, he'd actually come clean to her about what had really happened with Ms. Karp. They had then promised they'd stop keeping secrets and be honest with and trust one another. Both on a professional and platonic level. Lissa had also suggested they could start using school breaks to get to know each other better, and he'd ultimately agreed. It'd been hard convincing him. But when she'd told him Ivan would've wanted him to live a happy and fulfilling life that wasn't all about work and isolation, he'd realized she was right.

But before they could start healing together, she had to say her goodbyes. And not just to her friends. To Aaron, as well. He'd been a nice boyfriend prior to Rose and her family dying. Yet ever since their passing, he'd sucked.

He hadn't been supporting her the way he should've. All he'd done was got her drunk and take her to parties they'd no business being at. He'd never asked about how she was doing. He'd never noticed the slits on her wrists. And the sex couldn't even make up for that. It was time to let him go, and Lissa was so glad she had Dimitri's support. Because if he'd kept quiet like her friends, she wouldn't have had the courage to break up with him now.

She reached his room and stopped in front of the door, knocking without hesitation. But regret washed over her, as soon as she finished. Tempting thoughts of doing all this over text, instead, filled her mind. He deserved it, after the way he'd treated her. Then again, he'd also been her boyfriend since eighth grade. And had been a good one, until just recently. He deserved a face-to-face breakup more.

Right?

The door opening sealed her fate.

"Hey, babe," Aaron said, smiling in his shorts and T-shirt. "I'm happy you came by. I've got so much to tell you about what I've planned for us this summer." He leaned down for a kiss, but Lissa turned away. He pulled back with a frown. "Is something wrong?"

She averted her gaze to the floor, fiddling with the sides of her dress. "I'm not spending summer break with you."

"What? But we always do."

"Not anymore." Tense silence hung in the air. Lissa swallowed hard. It burned her throat, but it was a welcome distraction. Kind of like how cutting herself was.

Aaron finally spoke. "Are you breaking up with me?!" He sounded so hurt and stunned.

She swallowed again and met his gaze. The way he looked made her heart ache. "Yes."

"Why?"

The truth was right on the tip of her tongue. However, "I'm sorry," was what came out instead. She didn't want to hurt his feelings even more.

He grew upset. "Seriously?! That's all you have to say to me. 'I'm sorry?!'"

"Well, I am."

"I can't believe this." He ran a hand through his hair, jaw clenched. "You think you're too good for me?" he accused, drawing the attention of some Moroi who were also in the process of moving out. "You think because you're a princess now, I'm suddenly not worth your time?"

Lissa flinched. She'd never expected him to say that. Yet he'd never expected her to end their relationship. It was only fair he'd cut her just as deep. "No. Of course not." Her heart ached worse. It felt like there was a gaping hole in it.

Aaron laughed harshly. "Yeah, sure."

The wound healed. She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him. "You know, what? You're right. You are a waste of my time. But it's not because I'm a princess. It's because you've been a shitty boyfriend, the moment Rose and my family died. And I'm fucking tired of it."

He gaped, speechless.

"I don't think I'm better than people for stupid, shallow reasons. And if you honestly think that, after all I've been through, then you can kiss my ass." She yanked off the promise ring he'd given her, when they'd started dating, and threw it at his face. "Sorry I'm not the Lissa I used to be."

She turned on her heel and stormed down the hallway. The Moroi students who'd been eavesdropping stared at her in silence as she passed, just as shocked as Aaron. They'd probably begin spreading the news of their breakup, as soon as she left. Yet she didn't care. All she cared about now was focusing on her healing journey.

Chicago was going to be so much fun.

"Vasilisa Dragomir."

She broke out of the memory, as the feeding attendant called her name. Lissa headed toward the kind-looking woman who led her to the back, still feeling Aaron's glare burning into her. She was glad she'd chosen to break off the relationship in person. Had it been over text, he'd want a physical explanation and keep trying to talk to her until he got closure.

Once she finished feeding and catching up with Alice, her favorite feeder who had an eccentric yet grandmotherly vibe, she ventured to the commons. She had some room for a solid snack. But then, she remembered they weren't serving breakfast anymore.

Damn. She should've gone there first.

With a sigh, Lissa changed her route to the infirmary. Dimitri had told her in Chicago that he wanted her to get a prescribed antidepressant, the day they returned to school. He'd initially planned on having her take medication and go to therapy. Yet after much discussion, they'd agreed to consult a therapist if the medication wasn't enough, or her mental health worsened.

He'd emailed her about meeting him there after she settled in and got food, while she'd unpacked. She hoped no one else would be there. If anyone discovered she was getting put on those kinds of pills, she'd die. It was a good idea he'd suggested they come separately. It surely made it less obvious.

The infirmary was fortunately vacant, when she arrived. Its sterile scent stung her nose, and she recalled the time she'd had to stay in there last December. Images of her injuries from the accident flashed in her mind. She prayed she wouldn't have to come back for more.

Lissa found Dimitri talking with Alberta and Dr. Olendzki in the lobby. He noticed her first and beckoned her over. She joined their huddle, nervously asking the physician, "Do I need to be examined? Or do you already know what to prescribe me?"

"Guardian Belikov told me how your mental health and behavior has been, over the past several months. So, I have an idea of what antidepressant to prescribe you. But I still want to ask you a few questions just to make sure it's the right one."

"Okay." Lissa gulped, then sent a panicked look to Dimitri. He returned it with one of reassurance. She took a deep breath. It was now or never.

The doctor lead her to an exam room, while he and Alberta stayed behind and continued talking. She wished he joined her. Dr. Olendzki was probably going to interrogate her like the police. And with questions she didn't want to answer. However, she knew it was for the best. Lissa needed to be honest on her own.

They entered the nearest one, and she sat down on the patient bed.

"So," the doctor said, claiming the rolling stool. "How often were you self-harming, during the school year?"

Ah, great, she thought. Dr. Olendzki was immediately starting off with difficult questions.

"Uh, I don't know. Every week?"

"How much every week?"

Lissa shrugged, playing with her fingers. "Maybe three times?"

"Ms. Dragomir, may I see your wrists?" She didn't comply. The physician scooted toward her and laid a hand on her back, rubbing soothingly. "Ms. Dragomir, it's okay for you to show me. I won't judge you. I just want to help you. We all do."

"Promise me you won't judge?"

"Promise."

Taking another deep breath, Lissa nodded then rolled up her long-sleeved shirt, exposing the numerous cuts that scarred both of her wrists. She heard a sharp gasp from Dr. Olendzki. In the sliver of a second, she shoved her sleeves back down. "You promised me you wouldn't judge," she accused, tears brimming in her eyes.

"I wasn't, sweetheart. I wouldn't do that to you. But I'm sorry if I made you feel that way." The doctor rubbed her back again. "How much did you do this every week?" she repeated softly.

Lissa wiped her eyes. "Every day." Knowing hadn't really bothered her before. Yet now that she was admitting it aloud, she realized how awful it was. How badly she needed to stop.

"How often were you self-harming, during summer break?"

"Twice a month."

"That's a significant decrease. Did being away from school help?"

"Yes." It was the reason why Lissa hadn't wanted to come back to St. Vladimir's. She had been worried she'd start cutting herself severely again.

"How did self-harming make you feel?"

"Relieved. Balanced. In control." She wished she was lying, but it was the twisted truth. And she hated it.

Dr. Olendzki nodded, processing her words. When she resumed talking, her voice grew softer. "Guardian Belikov said you're seeing Rose's ghost. Is that true?"

Lissa tensed. This was the question she'd dreaded the most. She debated between honesty and deception, until she settled for the truth. "Yes. I see her. And talk to her, too."

"How does her presence make you feel?"

"Sane. Happy and complete."

"What kinds of things does she say to you?"

Now, she chose her words carefully. Just in case Dimitri hadn't told Dr. Olendzki about their theories on Rose's existence. "Things we used to do together. She also tells me she'll always take care of me."

"I see." Dr. Olendzki rolled to the computer and typed for a few moments. "Since you have severe depression, I'm going to give you a stronger prescription than I planned. It should help stabilize your mood and lessen your self-harming habits. As well as combat your hallucinations."

Hallucinations? Lissa frowned. She was offended the doctor believed she was crazy. But she didn't confront her on it. Her thinking Rose's ghost wasn't real was a good sign. Dimitri hadn't told her about their theories. And hopefully, it'd stay that way.

"All right, Ms. Dragomir. We're done here. You can wait in the lobby, while I get your medication."

They left the room, and Lissa returned to the front of the infirmary. Dimitri was alone. He gave her a small smile. "How did it go?"

"Fine. I wish I didn't have to be on medication, but it is what it is." She looked around then asked, "Did you tell Guardian Petrov about…"

He shook his head. "No. She has no idea about the theories. All she knows is you've been seeing and communicating with Rose's ghost. But she doesn't believe she's real, like Dr. Olendzki. She thinks it's a symptom of your depression."

Lissa sighed in relief. "Okay. Good."

"I wanted to hold off on telling them what we think. We don't have any solid information yet. I'd rather just us figure out what's going on, before we share. That way we'd know how to properly handle the situation."

Her heart soared. She was so happy they were on the same page. Involving people right now would indeed be too much. It'd mess up everything.

A few minutes passed, and Dr. Olendzki came back with her prescription. She informed her of possible side effects and mentioned the required dosage. After telling her to return if issues occurred, they exchanged goodbyes and parted ways.

When Lissa and Dimitri arrived at her dorm room, she had a sinking feeling in her stomach. The bag her pills had been put in seemed heavy in her hand. But strangely, she couldn't drop it. Her fingers stayed wrapped around it, quaking.

"What if this doesn't work?" she whispered, once they were inside. Natalie wasn't there yet. "What if I start cutting myself again? What if I get worse?"

"You're going to be fine. This'll all get better. I promise." He sounded confident, but deep down, she knew he was just as scared as her.

"But what if it doesn't? What if we should've never come back? What if I'm a lost cause?"

Dimitri made her face him, and he pulled her in for a hug. She held on to him tightly, finding comfort in his warm, muscled body. He rested his chin on her head. Her eyes closed. His heartbeat was like a lullaby. "You're not a lost cause, Lissa." He repeated the words, like he was trying to convince himself too. "You're not a lost cause."

Still, she couldn't help wondering, "But what if I am? What if I…What if I kill myself?" It had become her deepest, darkest fear. In Chicago, she'd been able to overpower it. Yet now, it was coming back to haunt her. What if she stopped being able to defeat it—for good? Tears gathered in her eyes again.

He clutched her tighter, as if letting go would make her fade away. As if it'd keep her from leaving like Ivan had. "You won't. Rose and I will make sure of it."

Author's Note

Sorry this was a month late! I got blocked a little bit. But thankfully, I powered through. How'd you like the first flashback? Can you imagine being dumped by THE Dragomir princess? I'm sure Aaron's ego will be forever bruised. Especially since another guy's gonna benefit from this situation. *wink, wink*

Also, I hope the Lissa and Dimitri moment at the end didn't ruffle your Romitri feathers. I know it may be a little strange seeing them be intimate. But I figured since I'm developing a friendship between them and they're helping each other heal from their losses, he wouldn't be scared to lose her just because it'd be the ultimate failure as a guardian. He'd also be scared to lose her because he's grown to care about her. He doesn't want to lose another friend, and he genuinely wants her to be happy again.

Thanks for the reviews, follows, and favs! It's much appreciated. The next update will have the second flashback, and it'll be from Chicago :-)

P.S. I'm now posting on Archive of Our Own, in addition to here. So, my stories will be equally available across both sites. However, I do plan on posting a revised version of CBF on AO3 first, after I finish the original version here. Then, I'd like to update the original version on here. And I'm just gonna leave HEA alone for good. I don't have interest in revising it and doing a short story prequel, anymore.

Until next time...