I felt like I had to get this off my chest because I didn't mean that having a doll replaces a child. It can NEVER replace a child. EVER. But I have been thanked for writing this story by a person that got lucky and had two wonderful kids on AO3. So, due to the thanks I am getting for this and how I want to make it a full story so that it can fully go into the details... I'm not taking this down. I'm sorry to anyone that this story has upset. It was not my intention. So, here is my very personal story. :)

I have PCOS, which is a infertility problem. Meaning my periods are never on time and they are all over the place. It is extremely hard to get pregnant because I lack the hormone to make eggs stick to the uterous wall or even accept anything. I've had this my whole life and my mother has it. She was also lucky to get pregnant with me because she was told that it was extremely hard if not impossible for her to.

I got pregnant because I was told by a hollistic doctor that this herbal pill, Chaste Tree, would work like birth control because birth control was the only thing that would regulate my hormones... but it also gave me all of the side effects that could kill you or make you severely sick. So, I tried this pill and it regulated me because it replaced what I was missing.

That meant I was using it like birth control... so we got pregnant. If I hadn't taken it? I wouldn't have gotten pregnant and it was still by luck. I wasn't supposed to be able to have kids. It was supposed to be extremely hard for me.

My pregnancy was not an easy one.

I went to the hospital early in my pregnancy to be told that I was probably going to miscarry and they couldn't do anything about it. I got lucky and I didn't. But we were scared and devastated until it was in the clear. But I still had more and more issues as I got further and further into the pregnancy. More and more scares up until he was born.

He had a 2 vessel cord, normal babies have 3. That means that he wasn't getting as much nutrients and they said that they tend to be small and they tend to be born early. They also tend to have holes in their hearts.

I had contractions my whole pregnancy and was eventually put on bedrest.

I got really... sick and admitted early with preeclampsia. That is where your blood pressure soars through the roof and you can seizure and die. My doctor told them to not put me on magnesium. Once you're put on that... you can't be induced. The normal procedure for inducing you does not work. Your only option is a c-section. They did it anyway and gave me magnesium and then tried to force me to dialate and then ran pitocin through me. They did this for 3 days! By the end I was white as paper, hallucinating and begging for a c-section. My uterus was in a constant contraction and solid! Because they messed with my pitocin levels constantly by lowering and highering it durastically. I was more concerned about our son than myself, but I knew I was dying. Everyone around me knew and my husband was PISSED. They broke my water and when that did nothing... they gave up and finally okayed a c-section.

Once I was wheeled back... I was shivering and because I had said I wasn't cold... it became a dire problem. They brought my husband in early and knocked me out for most of the procedure, while they worked. I had to be put on blood pressure meds for a while and I survived.

But my husband is afraid of me having another kid. Not that I can. Again, my body doesn't work like it should. It doesn't ovulate regularly. It skips ovulation. I can go six months or more without a period and when I miss I worry that I"m pregnant or I worry that when I do get my period... I screwed up and didn't know I was pregnant and I lost a child. I panic every month. My husband is used to it now, but it used to drive him crazy.

YOu may be wondering... why don't you take birth control? I get every side effect for every single one that you don't want to get. One was the patch and my doctor took me off because it was giving me blood clot symptoms. I literally stay away from them. I now take that herbal pill every so often and after 3 days it jump starts my period, but I can't do birth control and I can't get pregnant. Literally doesn't work. My body doesn't work.

I recently had a family member lose their 3 month old baby. They had a baby sitter watching her and she left her on the couch and the baby sufficated. It's right now being put through trial. Her father couldn't stay at work and he still has problems handling it. They just got engaged, actually. :)

I've had friends that have lost babies while trying because they have PCOS. PCOS is not stable. There is no guarantee that your baby will make it to term. It's a scary thing to have. The egg doesn't always stick or stay there. Another one in our family has that problem and we're so thankful that she is at twelve weeks or so and the baby is staying. She kept losing babies due to PCOS.

Anyway, thought I'd explain myself. :) I don't like to remember it because it was so traumatizing for me, but here it is. :)